Reactive Feelings
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Fight
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Flight
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Freeze
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Reactive Stories
What stories come up in your head when you get upset? Change the pronouns to suit your relationship.
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Reactive Behaviors
In the following list, identify any that you have employed during a time of distress in your relationship.
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Control Patterns
In the list below, identify any behaviors you recognize in yourself. If you feel particularly courageous,
ask your partner which of these behaviors he or she observes in you. An unconscious pattern may be invisible to you, but it can impact your partner and limit trust and intimacy. Most people find a dozen or more behaviors on this list that they recognize in themselves. Use this knowledge to identify how you may be unintentionally triggering reactivity or mistrust in your partner.
ask your partner which of these behaviors he or she observes in you. An unconscious pattern may be invisible to you, but it can impact your partner and limit trust and intimacy. Most people find a dozen or more behaviors on this list that they recognize in themselves. Use this knowledge to identify how you may be unintentionally triggering reactivity or mistrust in your partner.
- Replying too quickly rather than taking in what was said
- Obsessing over what you did wrong or might have done wrong
- Obsessing about a decision you need to make
- Before taking action, reviewing over and over what could go wrong
- Taking action or jumping into a situation impulsively, without assessing consequences
- Giving gifts or favors in order to win approval or acceptance
- Anticipating a partner's needs as a way to avoid some imagined negative consequence
- Trying to "help" or "improve" a situation or person instead of expressing your feelings
- Making sacrifices for others, secretly hoping they'll do the same for you
- Asking indirectly for what you want, as in, "Wouldn't you like to go out for dinner?"
- Putting on an act in order to look good or maintain a positive image
- Blaming your mood or emotional state on your partner
- Justifying, overexplaining, or defending yourself when someone gets upset with you
- Reframing things as "for the best" to avoid painful feelings (either your own or another's)
- Retreating into a world of your imagination, fantasizing about "something better"
- Lying or withholding information to keep the peace
- Thinking "this is not a big deal" (to minimize or ignore an important issue)
- Staying silent or saying, "I'm fine," or "Nothing's wrong," when you are displeased.
- Walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting a partner
- When someone brings up a past upset, pushing to move forward and "let go" of the past
- Agreeing too quickly before checking in with yourself about your own needs
- Telling people what they want to hear, and suppressing your needs or opinions
- Making a joke or cute remark in order to laugh off and avoid your real feelings
- Assuming you hear criticism from others when someone does not meant to be critical.
- Suspecting hidden agendas and double messages, or doubting what you hear
- Jumping to conclusions about what someone means
- Framing a problem or issue in the most pessimistic or negative way
- Giving more information or talking more than is asked for or needed
- Filling up silences with irrelevant chatter
- Overgeneralizing as a conversational habit, talking in platitudes
- Instead of staying focused on one issue, elaborating a whole list of issues
- Giving advice or making helpful suggestions instead of just listening
- Taking a long time to say things, being "thorough," covering all contingencies
- Bringing up the past and going over the same topic repeatedly
- Repeating what you've already said (when this is not needed)
- Telling others what they should do (instead of feeling how their actions affect you)
- Obsessing about how things should be or how the other person should be.
- Lecturing or preaching with a superior tone
- Habitually correcting the other person, arguing the point, debating the facts
- Labeling, name-calling, or judging the other person (instead of feeling your upset)
- Acting angry, forceful, or indignant to get the upper hand
- Taking an "it's my way or the highway" stance
- Using self-deprecating preambles, such as, "I'm no expert, but."
- Questioning like an interrogator, demanding explanations
- Asking a question and then answering it yourself before the other has a chance
- Getting sullen or sulking, muttering to yourself
- Snickering or laughing to oneself in a judgmental or superior way
- Rationalizing, intellectualizing, or using logic to avoid emotions
- Protecting yourself from intrusions or demands by avoiding the other person
Reasons We Fear Being Vulnerable
Identify any reasons on the list below you have felt made it hard for you to be vulnerable.
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If you are doing this with a partner, go through this list and share your fears around being vulnerable. Discuss how it could become more possible to engage in transparent and vulnerable communication together. Take some time and reassure each other regarding any fears or blocks you may have. Reassure each other that it is safe to be vulnerable in this relationship. Look into your partner's eyes when you speak.
Pause Agreement
If you both agree about the value of pausing, here is a formal contract that you can fill out together and sign.
Choose a neutral signal and enter that below. It can be useful to have both a verbal signal (e.g. "Let's pause for
moment") and a non-verbal signal (e.g. like making a "T" with your hands to signal "time out").
1. Our pause signal is____________________________ (examples: "I need to pause," or "Time out").
Choose a neutral signal and enter that below. It can be useful to have both a verbal signal (e.g. "Let's pause for
moment") and a non-verbal signal (e.g. like making a "T" with your hands to signal "time out").
1. Our pause signal is____________________________ (examples: "I need to pause," or "Time out").
- Each person's job is to give our pause signal as soon as he or she detects reactivity or signs that one of us is triggered. It is our job to be alert for signs of distress and then quickly call for a pause.
- When our pause signal is given, we both will stop talking. We will also cease any and all nonverbal reactive behaviors (such as rolling eyes or slamming doors). When possible, we will also offer each other the kind of reassurances of safety we know we each like (supportive touch, hugging, or simple reassuring words).
- We will discuss and agree on how long a pause period is needed. The length will be determined by whoever needs the most time to calm down.
- During our pause period, we each will calm and reassure ourselves that we are safe — that although we may still feel upset, there is really no tiger nearby. We will prepare ourselves to come back and engage in a constructive communication to repair what happened.
- We will not use a pause to avoid issues. We will return to and repair each rupture caused by our reactivity. We will aim to resolve our issues in a way that is fair and works for both of us.
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Core NeedsI need to feel _____________.
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Spotting a Reactive Cycle
Write down your own three most-common reactive behaviors that you circled and the three reactive behaviors you underlined that your partner does. See if these behaviors can be paired. Does one of your partner's behaviors often trigger one of your common reactions? Fill in the following incomplete sentences for any behaviors that pair up in this way. For instance, "When my partner ignores, then I tend to complain."
When my partner [insert your partner's reactive behavior],
then I tend to [insert your own reactive behavior].
When my partner [insert your partner's reactive behavior],
then I tend to [insert your own reactive behavior].
When my partner [insert your partner's reactive behavior],
then I tend to [insert your own reactive behavior].
Your Typical Reactive Cycle
Look at the reactive cycle sentences you've filled in above and reverse them. For instance, reversing the sentence, "When my partner ignores, then I tend to complain," so that it becomes, "When I complain, then my partner tends to ignore." Do this reversal with each pair of reactive behaviors you identified.
If it makes more sense, combine behaviors to create a more comprehensive picture of a reactive cycle. For
instance, "The more my partner prods or criticizes, then the more I withdraw or shut down. Conversely, the more I withdraw or shut down, then the more my partner prods or criticizes." Fill in the following sentences with your most common reactive cycle:
The more my partner
then the more I
[insert your partner's reactive behavior],
[insert your own reactive behavior].
[insert your same reactive behavior],
[insert your partner's same reactive behavior
Conversely, the more I______
then the more my partner
Triggering Incident Analysis
Recall a specific reactive incident where the cycle of reactive behaviors you entered above on page 9 played out. Or if you don't recall one, you can use any specific incident where you got triggered, even if it doesn't fit that cycle. Choose a moderately upsetting incident rather than a really intense one. This will make it easier for you to step back and see your pattern. If you are doing this with your partner, pick the incident together.
- Triggering Stimulus: In one sentence, describe the specific words or actions your partner said or did that
triggered your reaction. Be as objective as you can, describing what would be seen on a video recording - Your Reactive Behavior: How did you react? Check the Reactive Behavior list.
However, if you are using a triggering incident that doesn't fit your cycle, choose the most appropriate item from the list of "Reactive Behaviors". - Your Partner's Reactive Behavior: How did your partner react to your behavior (or continue to act)?
- Reactive Story: What story came up in your mind to explain the meaning of what happened? Pick the closest story that matches from the list of "Reactive Stories" in appendix B (page 17).
- Body Sensations: As you recall what you heard and saw, sense how your body felt when you first got triggered.
Notice the sensations in detail. See "Body Sensations" in appendix B (page 18). - Reactive Feelings: What reactive feeling came up in you? Pick the closest feeling that matches from the list of
"Reactive Feelings" in appendix B (page 17). - Core Feelings: What were your softer core feelings underneath your reactive feelings? Feel deeply into your
heart area, and pick one or two core feelings from the "Core Feelings" list in appendix B (page 18). - Core Fears: What was at the root of your trigger? Pick one or two core fears that were activated. Your reactive
story offers clues to your core fears. Pick one or two items from the "Core Fears" list in appendix B (page 18). - Core Needs: What core attachment needs got stirred? Pick one or two core needs you feared were not being met
from the "Core Needs" list in appendix B (page 18).
The Workbook for Five-Minute Relationship Repair
Identify Your Reactive Cycle
Write your name above the left column and your partner's name above the right column. Then, fill in the left
column with the pieces you identified for yourself on page 10. In the appropriate boxes, enter your own reactive
behavior, reactive story, body sensations, reactive feelings, core feelings, core fears, and core needs. Next, if you have the
information, enter your partner's pieces in the right column (or if you don't, guess what these are).
nartner
core feelings
core fears
---------------- • I
core feelings
core fears I
core needs
core needs
Follow the arrows and trace how when your partner acts a certain way, it triggers corresponding reactive stories,
body sensations, and reactive feelings in you. Note how you then react with your reactive behaviors, and how this
triggers the reactive stories, reactive feelings, and reactive behaviors in your partner. By tracing this progression
and becoming conscious of it, you can begin to see how the core elements that drive your cycles — core feelings,
core fears, and core needs — are hidden under the reactive parts. You can also begin to realize how your reactive
stories mislead and self-trigger each of you into reacting even more.
G John Grey, PhD & Susan Campbell, PhD, 2014 www.fiveminuterelationshiprepair.com
12 I The Workbook for Five-Minute Relationship Repair
How We Unintentionally Scare Our Partner
To gain insight into how you might be unwittingly scaring (or triggering) your partner, answer the following
questions. You can transfer the information in the chart you filled in above in the "Identify Your Reactive Cycle"
section (page 11). Or you can start fresh and refer to the lists in appendix B (pages 17-18) to fill in your answers.
1. What reactive behaviors do you engage in that unintentionally "scare" your partner?
2. What reactive story, or fear story, might this scare your partner into believing is true?
3. Which core needs might your partner feel are unmet when you act this way?
4. What core feelings and core fears do you imagine your partner might be experiencing?
After you recognize how your actions scare (or trigger) your partner, then you can reveal your own core feelings
and needs to help your partner feel more safe and connected with you. Let your partner know what is really going
on inside of you, underneath your reactive behaviors, with the following statement.
Safety Statement to Your Partner
Complete the following sentences using the information you've identified above (or by finding appropriate items
in appendix B).
"I want to heal our reactive cycle. When we're in it, I probably trigger you when I___________________
____________________________________________________ [insert your reactive behavior].
"I realize this scares you into thinking_____________________________ [your partner's reactive story].
"I want to disclose what is really happening in me when I do this. No matter what it looks like to you, deep
down inside I'm feeling afraid_________________________________________ [your core fears].
"What I need more than anything is to feel_________________________________ [your core needs].
"It is not my intention to scare you, upset you, or have you feel unsafe with me. If I were not in a triggered state,
I would tell you my needs and my fears instead of going on automatic. I want us to learn to pause whenever we
are triggered.
"So, could we pause and help each other calm down instead of continuing to react? And, would you be willing
to learn with me how to repair the damage that results from our reactive cycle?"
If you are doing this with your partner, take turns saying this statement to each other. Read your statement slowly,
one line at a time, delivering each line while looking into your partner's eyes. If you have a partner who is not
reading this with you, consider saying it to him or her anyway. When you get to the last two questions, just wait
for an answer. If you are single, imagine doing this exercise with a past (or future) partner in mind.
0 John Grey, PhD & Susan Campbell, PhD, 2014 www.fiveminuterelationshiprepair.com
13 I The Workbook for Five-Minute Relationship Repair
Repair Statement Script
Start by thinking of a specific, recent time you and your partner fell into a reactive cycle, and fill in the blanks to
finish the sentences in the statement below. Either use the reactive incident you identified when making the chart
about your reactive cycle above (page 11) or use a different incident. For practice, choose an incident that was only
moderately upsetting. The same pieces from the reactive cycle chart are used in the script below. If you are
repairing a new or different incident, then identify each piece, by selecting items from the lists in appendix B
(pages 17-18).
It is more powerful to keep things simple. The less words the better. So in this script, restrict yourself to filling in
just one item per blank line. If there is more than one item you could enter, choose the stronger one. For instance,
if you could name two core fears in the script below, just put in the one that feels the strongest.
"I'd like to repair something with you. Is this a good time?
"I got triggered when I heard you say (or saw you do)_____________________________________
[name your partner's specific words or actions].
"A story came up in my mind that___________________________________________________
[describe your reactive story].
"I reacted by________________________________________________________________
[describe your reactive behavior].
"But deep down inside, I felt_____________________________________________________
[name your core feeling].
"A fear came up in me that_______________________________________________________
[name your core fear].
"What I needed more than anything was to feel__________________________________________
[name your core need].
"I am sorry I reacted that way and would like to take it back.
"If I could do it over again, I would have told you that I was feeling___________________________
[repeat your core feeling and core fear].
"And I would have asked for reassurance that__________________________________________
[repeat your core need]."
Now is a good time to start using this tool to repair reactive incidents in your relationship. Above, you filled out a
Repair Statement for a particular past incident. If you are doing this with your partner, the following exercise will
guide you to use these in a full two-way Five-Minute Relationship Repair process.
Start by printing out two blank copies of appendix A, one for you and one for your partner. Next, each of you
transfer the information you entered above into the identical "Repair Statement" script in appendix A. The
advantage of using appendix A is that, all in one place, it also guides you through the steps for being a responsive
listener to your partner's Repair Statement.
G John Grey, PhD & Susan Campbell, PhD, 2014 www.fiveminuterelationshiprepair.com
The Repair Statement
To fill in the blanks in the Repair Statement, see the appropriate categories in the appendix B reference lists.
"I'd like to repair something with you. Is this a good time?
"I got triggered when I heard you say (or saw you do)_____________________________________
[name your partner's specific words or actions].
"A story came up in my mind that___________________________________________________
[describe your reactive story].
"I reacted by________________________________________________________________
[describe your reactive behavior].
"But deep down inside, I felt_____________________________________________________
[name your core feeling].
"A fear came up in me that_______________________________________________________
[name your core fear].
"What I needed more than anything was to feel__________________________________________
[name your core need].
"I am sorry I reacted that way and would like to take it back.
"If I could do it over again, I would have told you that I was feeling___________________________
[repeat your core feeling and core fear].
"And I would have asked for reassurance that__________________________________________
[repeat your core need]."
Decide who will be the first talker, and who will listen and respond. Each of you will have a turn to present your Repair Statement as the other listens. There may be a reason why one of you should go first, or simply make a choice together. Sit face-to-face, in a way you can give each other supportive touch by holding hands, touching knees, or such. Take a few breaths together to calm and center yourselves. Spend an additional moment sensing how the chair holds you. Gaze into each other's eyes in silence.
When you both feel calm and ready, start the process by one of you presenting your Repair Statement. As the
talker, read each line slowly, delivering it directly into your partner's eyes. Watch and wait to see your partner take
in that line before looking at your script for your next line. If you are the listener, offer your silent presence,
curiosity, and empathy to take in what your partner is saying. After the Repair Statement has been fully delivered,
then if you are the listener, do the three steps shown in the "Reassuring Response" script (page 16).
The Reassuring Response
0 John Grey, PhD & Susan Campbell, PhD, 2014 www.fiveminuterelationshiprepair.com
16 I The Workbook for Five-Minute Relationship Repair
STEP 1 — As a listener, when offering a reassuring response, first repeat back what you heard your partner say.
Specifically mention the core feeling, core fear and core need your partner revealed in the last part of his or her
statement. With an attitude of understanding and empathy, say to your partner something like the following:
"What I heard you say was that you felt______________________________________________
[repeat your partner's core feeling and core fear].
"And you needed reassurance that_________________________________________________
[repeat your partner's core need]."
As you do this, take your time. The slower and more deliberately you go, the more powerful the process will be.
Use the actual words your partner said, leaving out your own interpretations, stories, corrections, judgments,
disputes, and self-defense. Follow your recap with the question:
"Did I get everything you said? Is there anything you want to correct or add?"
If your partner reports that you missed something, simply try again until he or she is satisfied.
STEP 2 — Once your partner feels you understand his or her core feeling, fear, and need, then deliver a simple
apology. Remember, an apology is a way of saying "I care how you feel and howl affect you." It is not about
blame, finding fault, or admitting you are a "bad" person (as most of us were trained to think it was in childhood).
Using supportive touch, look into your partner's eyes, and speak in a soothing, slow voice. Say something like:
"I'm so sorry I hurt you."
Wait for half a minute to see that it is fully taken in. Watch for any facial shifts that indicate you have reached your
partner on an emotional level. Repeat your simple apology to deepen its healing effect.
STEP 3 — Finally, deliver a message that best reassures the core fears and needs your partner revealed in the
Repair Statement. Look into his or her eyes and slowly deliver a reassuring message like those below. Figuring out
the phrase that best matches your partner's needs may be a trail-and-error process. The more you engage in this
process, the more you will understand exactly what reassures your partner to feel secure with you. As with the
apology, repeat your reassuraning phrase three times, with half-minute pauses in between. Keep it simple. Each
time deliver it more deeply. Watch your partner's face for signs of how deeply your message is received.
"You're the most important person in my life."
"You are more important to me than anything."
"I need you very much."
"I can't imagine life without you."
"I'll never leave you."
"You can't get rid of me."
"I'm in this for the long haul."
"I care deeply how you feel."
"Your happiness is very important to me."
"You are great just the way you are."
"I feel lucky to have found you."
"You're the most wonderful partner in the world."
"You're the best thing that ever happened to me."
"You are more than good enough."
"You are irreplaceable."
"You are my hero."
"I love you just the way you are.
"I appreciate you for all you do for me and us."
18 I The Workbook for Five-Minute Relationship Repair
Core Needs
"I need to feel ..."
Engaging in any of the following behaviors or sabotage your attempts to be heard:
Blaming criticizing name-calling judging attacking prodding pursuing provoking getting defensive with drawling shutting down proving you’re right trying
Cora needs for emotional safety in an intimate relationship
In an intimate partnership we need to feel emotionally safe and secure. Otherwise will be triggered to some degree. We want to feel like we have each other’s backs quick, operate like a team, and can rely on each other. We want to trust that we are excepted, valued, and loved and that we can be our authentic selves in the relationship