5 Topics of Conflict

Stan Tatkin, founder of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), teaches that most couple conflicts can be traced back to a few core areas. According to Tatkin, the five things couples most often fight about are:

1. Money
  • Includes disagreements over spending, saving, debt, earning, and financial priorities.
  • Often reflects deeper issues like control, security, or differing value systems.
  • Example: One partner wants to save aggressively while the other prefers to spend more freely.
Secure Functioning Approach:
  • Mutual transparency: “We don’t keep financial secrets; we share all money matters.”
  • Shared power: “We co-create a financial plan that respects both our needs and fears.”
  • Protection over blame: “If one of us makes a mistake, we repair and reset as a team.”
Example: Instead of accusing your partner of overspending, you say:
"I’m feeling anxious about our savings. Can we review our budget together this weekend to make sure we’re both comfortable?"

2. Time
  • Disputes over how time is spent or prioritized — with each other, with others, or alone.
  • Can include resentment over unequal workloads, leisure time, or emotional availability.
  • Example: One partner feels neglected because the other works late or spends weekends with friends.
Secure Functioning Approach:
  • We protect time for each other: “We prioritize each other above outside obligations.”
  • We’re each other’s go-to: “We make sure we’re the first to know about time-related decisions.”
Example: Rather than saying “You’re always working,” try:
"I miss our time together. Let’s find a rhythm that keeps us both feeling connected and supported."

3. Mess (or Cleanliness)
  • Household cleanliness, chores, and organization often spark tension.
  • Typically involves differences in tolerance for disorder or standards of care.
  • Example: One partner leaves dishes in the sink, the other sees it as disrespect or laziness.
Secure Functioning Approach:
  • Collaboration over control: “We solve domestic issues as a unit, not as adversaries.”
  • Maintenance of fairness: “We renegotiate roles and responsibilities when things feel unbalanced.”
Example: Instead of nagging or bottling resentment:
"It would help me feel less overwhelmed if we split these chores more evenly. Can we come up with a plan together?"

4. Sex
  • Covers desire discrepancies, frequency, initiation, preferences, and intimacy needs.
  • Can become symbolic of power, validation, rejection, or emotional connection.
  • Example: One partner feels unwanted due to reduced sexual activity, while the other feels pressured.
Secure Functioning Approach:
  • Safety first: “We protect each other from humiliation, pressure, or neglect in intimate moments.”
  • Mutual seduction and influence: “We aim to stay emotionally and physically close, not forceful or withholding.”
Example: Instead of criticizing:
"I’d love for us to explore more physical closeness — maybe not just sex, but even cuddling or talking about what feels good for both of us."

5. Children
  • Includes parenting styles, discipline, values, emotional support, and decisions about having kids.
  • Even couples without children may argue about future plans or stepfamily dynamics.
  • Example: One partner is lenient, the other is strict, leading to ongoing conflict.
Secure Functioning Approach:
  • We present a united front: “We decide parenting approaches together and back each other up.”
  • Our bond comes first: “Our connection is the foundation our children depend on.”
Example: Rather than undermining your partner’s parenting in front of the kids:
"Let’s talk privately tonight about how we want to respond to that behavior — I want us to stay in sync."

Tatkin’s Perspective:
Tatkin believes these surface issues usually aren’t the real problem. The underlying issue is often the lack of a secure-functioning relationship system — one where both partners protect each other, operate as a team, and prioritize the relationship over individual ego or external alliances.

​In Summary:Secure functioning isn't about avoiding conflict — it's about creating a team-based system where:
  • Both partners feel safe and protected.
  • Each person is the other’s first priority.
  • Decisions are mutual and transparent.
  • Mistakes are repaired without shame or blame.