Decision Making Process

How to Make Decisions Without Fighting
When to Use This
Use this anytime:
  • You disagree
  • One of you wants something different
  • Something feels “important” to one of you
  • You’re starting to feel stuck, reactive, or misunderstood

Step 1: Pause the Pattern
Before solving anything, stop the cycle.
Say:
  • “We’re getting stuck—let’s slow this down.”
  • “I don’t want this to turn into a fight.”
Goal:
Shift from reacting → to working together

Step 2: Name Your Intention (Not Your Position)
Instead of:
  • “You need to do it this way”
  • “You’re being controlling”
Say:
  • “I’m trying to help us avoid a problem”
  • “I’m feeling anxious about how this will turn out”
  • “This matters to me because…”
Rule:
👉 Speak from your experience, not what’s wrong with your partner

Step 3: Both Get a Turn (No Interrupting)
Each person answers:
  • “What do I want here?”
  • “Why does it matter to me?”
The other person’s only job:
  • Listen
  • Reflect back what they heard
Example:
“What I hear is this matters because you don’t want extra work later.”
Goal:
Each person feels understood before solutions start

Step 4: Rate Importance (0–10)
Each of you answers:
  • “How important is this to me?”
Guidelines:
  • 8–10 → Very important
  • 5–7 → Somewhat important
  • 0–4 → Not that important

Why This MattersIt helps you avoid:
  • Fighting equally hard about everything
  • Treating small things like big things

Step 5: Find the Middle (Collaboration)
Now ask:
  • “What would work for both of us?”
  • “Where can each of us flex?”
You are looking for:
  • A shared solution, not a winner

If Importance is Unequal
  • One person = 9
  • Other = 3
👉 The person who cares less flexes more

If Importance is Equal (Both High)
You must:
  • Get creative
  • Split, alternate, or combine solutions
Examples:
  • Take turns
  • Divide responsibilities
  • Set clear agreements

Step 6: Make It Specific
Vague agreements create future conflict.
Turn it into:
  • Who does what
  • By when
  • How it will be done (if needed)
Example:
  • “I’ll file the extension by Tuesday at 5pm and let you know when it’s done.”

Step 7: Close the Loop
End with:
  • “Does this feel workable for you?”
  • “Do you feel considered?”
If either person says no → go back to Step 5

Step 8: No Punishment After Agreement
Once you agree:
  • No bringing it up again with frustration
  • No “I told you so”
  • No silent resentment
If it doesn’t work → revisit the system, not the person

Step 9: If You Get Stuck
If you can’t agree:
Option A:
  • Take a break and come back
Option B:
  • Run a short experiment:
    • “Let’s try your way this time and evaluate after”
Option C:
  • Ask:
    “What protects our relationship right now?”

Key Principles to Remember
  • You are a team, not opponents
  • Influence must go both ways
  • Feeling heard matters as much as the outcome
  • Not everything needs to be perfect—but both people need to feel considered

Summary
When things start to go sideways:
  1. “Pause—let’s do this better”
  2. “Here’s why this matters to me…”
  3. “What matters to you?”
  4. “How important is it (0–10)?”
  5. “What’s a version that works for both of us?”
  6. “Let’s agree on specifics”

Bottom Line
Good decisions don’t come from one person being right.
They come from two people staying connected while solving the problem.