Formal Disclosure
The following material is taken from Disclosing Secrets: When, to Whom, & How Much to Reveal by M. Deborah Corley, PhD, and Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D., PhD.
If, When, and How Much to Disclose
It is safe to say that all disclosures are painful and hard for the couple. Yet, most couples (over 90% in our study) report they are glad the disclosure happened. This high approval, and the fact that most couples did not split up after disclosure, led us to think that the couples who had disclosed had a better chance of saving their relationship than those who had not disclosed.
The reason disclosure is necessary and encouraged by most couples in recovery from infidelity is because shortly after disclosure both individuals feel some relief. When the disclosure is done with integrity, the partner often feels validated that their suspicions were correct and they aren’t crazy. The unfaithful partner feels a sense of freedom from the secret life and relief from the shame. This relief is immediate for some; for others it takes more time. But the reduction of anxiety and stress allows a period of time during which the couple can begin to heal.
How Much to Tell
Unfortunately, most unfaithful partner’s first attempts at disclosure come when incriminating evidence shows up and then they tell only what they think will generate the least painful immediate consequences. Lying or withholding the truth is a way to avoid pain.
In our study of unfaithful partners and hurt partners who had experienced disclosure (Schneider, et al., 1998), unfaithful partners reported that disclosure brought relief, ended denial, and proved to be the gateway to recovery for the individual and the relationship. But it was not all positive. Disclosure also brought shame to the unfaithful partner, pain to the hurt partner, and fears about loss of the relationship for both.
Hurt partners often begin by demanding complete disclosure, which is a way for them to make sense of the past, to validate their suspicions and the reality they had experienced that had often been denied by the unfaithful partner. They long to have a sense of control of the situation, to assess their risk of having been exposed to financial disaster, violence, and diseases. They want to evaluate the commitment of their unfaithful partner to the future of the relationship.
One can never be 100% sure where disclosure will lead. Nonetheless, people insist that disclosure is the best way to find healing.
Reveal All Now, or Save the Worst for Later: The Pain of Staggered Disclosure
It is tempting for a partner to attempt damage control by initially revealing only some of what they did. Often, only the least damaging information is revealed, or else only those activities that the person believes their partner already knows about. Then, at some future time, the unfaithful partner discloses additional secrets, or the hurt partner learns the whole truth independently. Unfortunately, this strategy turns out to be very short- sighted, and likely to increase the chances of an unfavorable outcome in the long run.
In our survey 59% of unfaithful partners and 70% of hurt partners reported that there had been more than one major disclosure. This was not always because the unfaithful partner had deliberately withheld information. Some unfaithful partners did not initially remember all their actions, especially if their behavior included multiple episodes or different types of activities. In other cases, after some time in reflection the unfaithful partner realized that certain behaviors were sufficiently important that they should have been disclosed.
The most difficult scenario is when the unfaithful partner claims to be telling the full truth and is then discovered to have withheld the most difficult information. When this happens, partners report greater difficulty in restoring trust.
“Should I Tell All the Gory Details?"
In our survey, disclosures of various details often turned out to be “devastating” and “traumatic” and left recipients with unpleasant memories and associations that were difficult to ignore. Lara, who persuaded her husband to tell her "everything," regretted it: "I created a lot of pain for myself by asking questions about details and gathering information. I have a lot of negative memories to overcome; this ranges from songs on the radio to dates, places, and situations; there are numerous triggers."
In later recovery, hurt partners typically reported that they recognized that knowledge is not necessarily power, that no matter how much information they had they were still unable to control the partner. Instead, they developed guidelines for themselves about what information they wanted (typically more general information such as health risks, financial consequences affecting them, and level of commitment to recovery and the relationship) and what they did not want (such as details of what the high was like, sexual activities, locations, and numbers of partners).
If you feel you need all the information you can squeeze out of the unfaithful partner, it is usually an attempt to feel safe, believing that if you know everything, you can control the situation and prevent further acting out. Ultimately, you will come to realize that this is not true. Or you may feel that having more answers will empower you and help you recover from the previous imbalance in the relationship (he kept the secrets; he decided how much you should know).
The therapist can assist in sorting out the intent of the disclosure: Moving toward greater intimacy is a positive intent; to obtain ammunition to punish, control, or manipulate the partner is not ultimately helpful.
Positive Outcomes of Disclosure
In our survey we asked unfaithful partners and hurt partners if they thought disclosure was the right thing to do. We asked them to think both retrospectively about how they felt at the time of the disclosure and how they felt about it when they completed the survey, which was weeks to years afterwards. Thinking back to the time of the disclosure, over 80 percent of the hurt partners and more than 60 percent of the unfaithful partners reported they felt at the time that it was the right thing to do. But after doing the disclosure, of the hurt partners, 93% felt it had been the right thing to do. And 96% of the unfaithful partners felt disclosure was the right thing to do. Despite all the pain and loss, enough good had to come out of the process for people to feel so strongly that it was the right thing to do and the majority said they would recommend disclosure to other couples. There was relief of finally gaining clarity about the past, and the recognition by some that living a double life was more destructive than disclosure.
However, there are intense feelings during this process. Just as the majority recommended disclosure, they also reported that each went through what seemed like the worst nightmare of their lives. During the process, anxiety is usually so high, your mouth is dry; it is hard to gauge what your partner is thinking or feeling—everything important to you is on the line and you know it. Depending on your partner’s response, how you feel afterward varies, but most unfaithful partners feel some immediate relief and believe it is the right thing to do despite some of the negative experiences.
Positive Aspects of Disclosure for Unfaithful partners and Hurt Partners
If, When, and How Much to Disclose
It is safe to say that all disclosures are painful and hard for the couple. Yet, most couples (over 90% in our study) report they are glad the disclosure happened. This high approval, and the fact that most couples did not split up after disclosure, led us to think that the couples who had disclosed had a better chance of saving their relationship than those who had not disclosed.
The reason disclosure is necessary and encouraged by most couples in recovery from infidelity is because shortly after disclosure both individuals feel some relief. When the disclosure is done with integrity, the partner often feels validated that their suspicions were correct and they aren’t crazy. The unfaithful partner feels a sense of freedom from the secret life and relief from the shame. This relief is immediate for some; for others it takes more time. But the reduction of anxiety and stress allows a period of time during which the couple can begin to heal.
How Much to Tell
Unfortunately, most unfaithful partner’s first attempts at disclosure come when incriminating evidence shows up and then they tell only what they think will generate the least painful immediate consequences. Lying or withholding the truth is a way to avoid pain.
In our study of unfaithful partners and hurt partners who had experienced disclosure (Schneider, et al., 1998), unfaithful partners reported that disclosure brought relief, ended denial, and proved to be the gateway to recovery for the individual and the relationship. But it was not all positive. Disclosure also brought shame to the unfaithful partner, pain to the hurt partner, and fears about loss of the relationship for both.
Hurt partners often begin by demanding complete disclosure, which is a way for them to make sense of the past, to validate their suspicions and the reality they had experienced that had often been denied by the unfaithful partner. They long to have a sense of control of the situation, to assess their risk of having been exposed to financial disaster, violence, and diseases. They want to evaluate the commitment of their unfaithful partner to the future of the relationship.
One can never be 100% sure where disclosure will lead. Nonetheless, people insist that disclosure is the best way to find healing.
Reveal All Now, or Save the Worst for Later: The Pain of Staggered Disclosure
It is tempting for a partner to attempt damage control by initially revealing only some of what they did. Often, only the least damaging information is revealed, or else only those activities that the person believes their partner already knows about. Then, at some future time, the unfaithful partner discloses additional secrets, or the hurt partner learns the whole truth independently. Unfortunately, this strategy turns out to be very short- sighted, and likely to increase the chances of an unfavorable outcome in the long run.
In our survey 59% of unfaithful partners and 70% of hurt partners reported that there had been more than one major disclosure. This was not always because the unfaithful partner had deliberately withheld information. Some unfaithful partners did not initially remember all their actions, especially if their behavior included multiple episodes or different types of activities. In other cases, after some time in reflection the unfaithful partner realized that certain behaviors were sufficiently important that they should have been disclosed.
The most difficult scenario is when the unfaithful partner claims to be telling the full truth and is then discovered to have withheld the most difficult information. When this happens, partners report greater difficulty in restoring trust.
“Should I Tell All the Gory Details?"
In our survey, disclosures of various details often turned out to be “devastating” and “traumatic” and left recipients with unpleasant memories and associations that were difficult to ignore. Lara, who persuaded her husband to tell her "everything," regretted it: "I created a lot of pain for myself by asking questions about details and gathering information. I have a lot of negative memories to overcome; this ranges from songs on the radio to dates, places, and situations; there are numerous triggers."
In later recovery, hurt partners typically reported that they recognized that knowledge is not necessarily power, that no matter how much information they had they were still unable to control the partner. Instead, they developed guidelines for themselves about what information they wanted (typically more general information such as health risks, financial consequences affecting them, and level of commitment to recovery and the relationship) and what they did not want (such as details of what the high was like, sexual activities, locations, and numbers of partners).
If you feel you need all the information you can squeeze out of the unfaithful partner, it is usually an attempt to feel safe, believing that if you know everything, you can control the situation and prevent further acting out. Ultimately, you will come to realize that this is not true. Or you may feel that having more answers will empower you and help you recover from the previous imbalance in the relationship (he kept the secrets; he decided how much you should know).
The therapist can assist in sorting out the intent of the disclosure: Moving toward greater intimacy is a positive intent; to obtain ammunition to punish, control, or manipulate the partner is not ultimately helpful.
Positive Outcomes of Disclosure
In our survey we asked unfaithful partners and hurt partners if they thought disclosure was the right thing to do. We asked them to think both retrospectively about how they felt at the time of the disclosure and how they felt about it when they completed the survey, which was weeks to years afterwards. Thinking back to the time of the disclosure, over 80 percent of the hurt partners and more than 60 percent of the unfaithful partners reported they felt at the time that it was the right thing to do. But after doing the disclosure, of the hurt partners, 93% felt it had been the right thing to do. And 96% of the unfaithful partners felt disclosure was the right thing to do. Despite all the pain and loss, enough good had to come out of the process for people to feel so strongly that it was the right thing to do and the majority said they would recommend disclosure to other couples. There was relief of finally gaining clarity about the past, and the recognition by some that living a double life was more destructive than disclosure.
However, there are intense feelings during this process. Just as the majority recommended disclosure, they also reported that each went through what seemed like the worst nightmare of their lives. During the process, anxiety is usually so high, your mouth is dry; it is hard to gauge what your partner is thinking or feeling—everything important to you is on the line and you know it. Depending on your partner’s response, how you feel afterward varies, but most unfaithful partners feel some immediate relief and believe it is the right thing to do despite some of the negative experiences.
Positive Aspects of Disclosure for Unfaithful partners and Hurt Partners
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Unfaithful Partner
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Hurt Partner
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Adverse Consequences of the Disclosure
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Unfaithful Partner
Knowing you have lied repeatedly to the person you love causes guilt and shame
Other unfaithful partners complained that their partner was monitoring their every movement, or constantly reminding them of past transgressions, or withholding sex as punishment. |
Hurt Partner
Knowing you have been lied to is bound to cause pain
There is a combination of anger, grief, confusion, pain, fear, and sometimes revulsion. The obsession that invaded your brain takes a new turn. Before, you might have suspected something, but now the obsession turns to worrying about how you missed it, what is wrong with you that this happened, and what will happen in the future. |
For the Unfaithful Partner: Steps to Disclosing with Integrity
Healthy disclosures should include the following:
For the Hurt Partner: Steps to Preparing to Hear a Disclosure
Once some disclosure has happened at discovery, the partner generally doubts everything, is sure that the unfaithful partner is not being honest, and doesn't want to ever believe the unfaithful partner again for fear of being hurt. That is normal; it will take a while again to believe the unfaithful partner. When the unfaithful partner’s compulsion is sex, most hurt partners think they want to hear all the details—who was involved, for how long, where, what they did, how many times, was it at home, whether the sex was protected or unprotected, what the other person looked like, what they said, and on and on. No matter what the partner says, you will probably embellish his horrible secrets with even worse betrayals. We recommend that the unfaithful partner give general information and specifics about how your health may be compromised, but then let you be the guide about what details you want to know. You still have to determine how the information will help you.
It is very important that the partner has a plan for self-care and does some preparation prior to the disclosure. You can set this help up for yourself by setting up an appointment with a therapist and processing the following questions with him or her.
It is useful to have a set of questions that you want the unfaithful partner to answer.
Here are some examples:
Conclusions
Disclosure of secrets, especially painful secrets involving sexual activity with others, usually precipitates a crisis in the couple's relationship and an initial worsening of the relationship. Both partners experience a series of adverse consequences.
The good news, as we learned from many couples that have been through this process, is that most people who threaten to leave don't do so. Even when the couple does separate, the chances are good that they will reunite if each is committed to their individual recovery. Disclosure can lay the groundwork for a new relationship, based on honesty and greater intimacy.
Healthy disclosures should include the following:
- Potentially needed information regarding his/her, and your children's, physical health and safety (i.e. potential of violence, financial disasters, and diseases)
- Acting outside your committed vows with either physical, sexual or emotional affairs
- Acting out with someone that your spouse/partner might know, knows of or will have possible contact with in the future - individual should be identified by name
- Information that is irrelevant to your current situation
- "Gory" details including sexual activities, locations and the number of partners
- The spouse needs to know that their partner acted out, for what length of time, etc.
- Information about health issues
- General information
- Include time frames when referencing each acting out experience
- References to partner are in second person (I manipulated YOU when....)
- Use anatomically correct terms and avoid jargon
- Use I statements
- Include sexual acts that didn't involve a sex act (e.g. staring at other women when we were together, flirting etc.)
- Focus on unfaithful partner's behavior - not acting out partner
- Name of acting out partner is only used when spouse/partner knows the person
- Omit thoughts and feelings
- Add details if reference is vague or unclear
- Include financial information (if there was a lot of money spent, calculate the total amount and include it at the end of the disclosure)
- Samples:
- From September 2006 to Feb 2009 I solicited approximately 2 - 3 prostitutes per month and engaged in oral or genital intercourse with them. This cost our family approximately $10,500.
- From June 2005 - June 2007 I engaged in an emotional affair with your friend Gina. It involved weekly emails, lunch dates and phone calls. This affair was never sexual.
- From April 2008 - May 2009 I viewed internet pornography at work. I engaged in this behavior approximately 7 hours per week. It cost our family $50 per month.
For the Hurt Partner: Steps to Preparing to Hear a Disclosure
Once some disclosure has happened at discovery, the partner generally doubts everything, is sure that the unfaithful partner is not being honest, and doesn't want to ever believe the unfaithful partner again for fear of being hurt. That is normal; it will take a while again to believe the unfaithful partner. When the unfaithful partner’s compulsion is sex, most hurt partners think they want to hear all the details—who was involved, for how long, where, what they did, how many times, was it at home, whether the sex was protected or unprotected, what the other person looked like, what they said, and on and on. No matter what the partner says, you will probably embellish his horrible secrets with even worse betrayals. We recommend that the unfaithful partner give general information and specifics about how your health may be compromised, but then let you be the guide about what details you want to know. You still have to determine how the information will help you.
It is very important that the partner has a plan for self-care and does some preparation prior to the disclosure. You can set this help up for yourself by setting up an appointment with a therapist and processing the following questions with him or her.
- Many family members go into a disclosure session believing that they already have most of the information about the unfaithful partner’s sexual acting out, and discover that there was a lot of information that they didn't know. How much do you believe that you know about the unfaithful partner's acting out?
- What will your thoughts, feelings, and responses be if you discover that it is more than you anticipated?
- What is your worst fear?
- What aspect of the unfaithful partner's acting out is the most painful for you?
- If you think about your relationship with the unfaithful partner over time, are there episodes when you felt suspicious that the unfaithful partner may have been acting out? What were these episodes? Do you still question them?
- Are there any sexual behaviors that if discovered would cause you to want to end the relationship?
- Develop a list of questions that you would like to have answered.
- What is your plan for self-care the day of the disclosure? What about the weeks following the disclosure?
- Meet with your therapist.
- Select some trusted friends to support you after the disclosure. Do not disclose the unfaithful partner's information to others because you may later regret it. Work with the unfaithful partner to decide who and when to tell people in your family and friendship network.
- On the night of the disclosure, make a plan for childcare for any small children.
- Do not drive to the session in the same vehicle, in case you feel like you need some space after the session.
It is useful to have a set of questions that you want the unfaithful partner to answer.
Here are some examples:
- Are you committed to working on our relationship and repairing the damage? What does working on the relationship mean you are willing to do?
- When in our relationship did these activities begin and how long have they been going on?
- Have you engaged in drug use or sexual activities that may have put me at a health risk? What risky activities did you engage in, and when?
- Have you cut off all contact with using friends/sexual partners? If not, what are the obstacles to this happening, and what are your plans for overcoming these obstacles? (Ask that the unfaithful partner write a note to the affair partner that makes it clear that the affair is over and that he is committed to working on the relationship. Ask to see it before he sends it. Or ask that he make a phone call with you or the therapist in the room when he calls.)
- Have you been using or sexually involved with any people that I know? If so, with whom?
- What significant lies have you told me to cover up your activities?
- Can you think of arguments we had in which you blamed me when the real issue was your acting out?
Conclusions
Disclosure of secrets, especially painful secrets involving sexual activity with others, usually precipitates a crisis in the couple's relationship and an initial worsening of the relationship. Both partners experience a series of adverse consequences.
The good news, as we learned from many couples that have been through this process, is that most people who threaten to leave don't do so. Even when the couple does separate, the chances are good that they will reunite if each is committed to their individual recovery. Disclosure can lay the groundwork for a new relationship, based on honesty and greater intimacy.