Initiator Inquirer
Initiator (Revealing One's Self)
Reminder to self
It's about me revealing myself and being willing to express my own thoughts and
feelings. It's an expression of who lam.
This process is about my willingness to take a risk to speak and discover my truth, and
about increasing my ability to tolerate the expression of our differences.
Focus On One Issue Only
Before you begin, get clear on your main concern. Check your partner's readiness.
Stay on track with this one issue. Describe what you want.
Express Your Feelings & Thoughts
Feelings are often complex and can even be contradictory. Go beyond simply
expressing one feeling. Look for the vulnerability that may be underneath your
initial feeling (sadness, jealousy, hurt, guilt, etc)
Avoid Blaming, Accusing or Name Calling
Blaming stops you from knowing yourself. You have a role to play in being heard.
You may wish to acknowledge some positive aspects of the situation.
Be Open To Self-Discovery
Explore your personal, inner experience. Keep going deeper into how you feel.
What does this tell you about yourself, how you respond and how you think and
feel?
When something is bothering me...
Inquirer (Effective Listener)
Reminder to self
Am I in up/ace to listen with openness? I do not own this problem. I do not need to get
upset. It's up to me to manage my reactions.
My partner is a separate person with his/her own feelings, thoughts, personality and
family history. I only need to listen, not look for solutions.
Listen Calmly
Don't defend yourself, argue or cross-complain. Remind yourself that you don't
have to take what is said so personally. Hold onto the "Big Picture."
Ask Questions
Develop an interested and curious state of mind. The questions you ask are
designed to understand your partner's experience. Let your partner know you really
understand.
Empathize
Do your best to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Respond with empathy. Keep
making empathic statements until a soothing moment occurs. You can hold onto
yourself and still be able to imagine what it's like for the other person.
Recap
Repeat back to your partner as accurately and completely as you are able, what
you've understood. Check it out with your partner to see if it's complete and
accurate.
When my partner is upset and talks to me....
Reminder to self
It's about me revealing myself and being willing to express my own thoughts and
feelings. It's an expression of who lam.
This process is about my willingness to take a risk to speak and discover my truth, and
about increasing my ability to tolerate the expression of our differences.
Focus On One Issue Only
Before you begin, get clear on your main concern. Check your partner's readiness.
Stay on track with this one issue. Describe what you want.
Express Your Feelings & Thoughts
Feelings are often complex and can even be contradictory. Go beyond simply
expressing one feeling. Look for the vulnerability that may be underneath your
initial feeling (sadness, jealousy, hurt, guilt, etc)
Avoid Blaming, Accusing or Name Calling
Blaming stops you from knowing yourself. You have a role to play in being heard.
You may wish to acknowledge some positive aspects of the situation.
Be Open To Self-Discovery
Explore your personal, inner experience. Keep going deeper into how you feel.
What does this tell you about yourself, how you respond and how you think and
feel?
When something is bothering me...
- I recognize when I am upset but I don't bring up my feelings.
- I tend to express judgments, get critical, or lecture my partner, instead of talking
- about my feelings.
- It's hard for me to be specific. I tend to globalize and stay vague.
- I only express feelings when I'm angry, then I blurt them out and blame my partner.
- I stop and think about what is bothering me and why, before I talk to my partner
- about it.
- I am able to manage my urgency and ask my partner for a good time to talk about it.
- I tell my partner what the problem is and what my feelings are without blaming.
- I recognize that my feelings are sometimes difficult to identify, so as I'm talking I
- keep thinking about what other vulnerable feelings I might be experiencing.
- As I recognize that I have other feelings, I am able to honestly reveal these to my
- partner.
- Throughout the conversation I am interested in learning and discovering more
- about myself and how l function.
Inquirer (Effective Listener)
Reminder to self
Am I in up/ace to listen with openness? I do not own this problem. I do not need to get
upset. It's up to me to manage my reactions.
My partner is a separate person with his/her own feelings, thoughts, personality and
family history. I only need to listen, not look for solutions.
Listen Calmly
Don't defend yourself, argue or cross-complain. Remind yourself that you don't
have to take what is said so personally. Hold onto the "Big Picture."
Ask Questions
Develop an interested and curious state of mind. The questions you ask are
designed to understand your partner's experience. Let your partner know you really
understand.
Empathize
Do your best to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Respond with empathy. Keep
making empathic statements until a soothing moment occurs. You can hold onto
yourself and still be able to imagine what it's like for the other person.
Recap
Repeat back to your partner as accurately and completely as you are able, what
you've understood. Check it out with your partner to see if it's complete and
accurate.
When my partner is upset and talks to me....
- I'd rather have them keep it to themselves.
- I start to argue and defend myself.
- I assume I've done something wrong even if they are not blaming me.
- I automatically try to fix things and look for solutions to alleviate the tension I feel.
- I actively work at listening and remind myself to stay calm.
- 1 feedback the feelings and thoughts to be sure I've got an accurate reading of the problem.
- I ask questions designed to deepen my understanding of my partner.
- I remain fairly calm. I remind myself not to take it personally. I continue to think productively and ask even more questions.
- I understand that my partner is revealing her/himself. I am able to become even more curious and ask more helpful, probing questions.
- I effortlessly respond with empathy and compassion.
- 1 can hold onto my values, beliefs, and feelings at the same time as I can feel empathy and show nurturing concern for my partner even when I don't agree with their feelings.
- 1 am in touch with my strength when lam aware of my beliefs and at the same time can show empathy for my partner.