What is Lust?

​Lust is an intense, often physically driven desire for someone, usually focused on sexual attraction and gratification. It's part of human biology and psychology, typically fueled by hormones like testosterone and dopamine. Lust is natural and can be a healthy part of a romantic relationship—but its effects vary depending on how it's managed and what a relationship is built upon.
​
How Lust Affects Relationships
Positively:
  • Initial Attraction: Lust often sparks the beginning of a romantic connection. It draws people together and can ignite passion and excitement.
  • Physical Intimacy: It can help maintain a strong physical connection between partners, which is important for many relationships.
  • Exploration and Growth: In a safe, consensual context, lust can allow partners to explore each other's desires and deepen emotional closeness over time.
Negatively:
  • Shallow Foundations: If a relationship is based solely on lust, it may lack emotional depth, shared values, or long-term compatibility. When the initial spark fades, the relationship might falter.
  • Confusion with Love: Lust can be mistaken for love, especially early on. This can lead to rushing into serious commitments without really knowing the other person.
  • Imbalance: If one partner feels lust more strongly than the other, or if it's prioritized over emotional connection, it can create tension or dissatisfaction.
  • Infidelity Risk: Uncontrolled lust, especially outside of a committed relationship, can lead to cheating or betrayal, damaging trust.
Key Distinction:
  • Lust is primarily about physical desire.
  • Love includes emotional intimacy, respect, and commitment.
For a healthy relationship, lust can complement love—but relying on it alone rarely leads to lasting fulfillment. A balanced relationship usually involves physical attraction and emotional connection.

Is Lust Adultery?

Whether lust is adultery depends on how you define lust, the context in which it occurs, and your moral, religious, or relational framework. Let's break it down from several perspectives:

1. Biblical/Religious Perspective (especially Christianity)
In Matthew 5:27–28 (NIV), Jesus says:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Key points:
  • Jesus equates lustful intent (coveting someone sexually who is not your spouse) with adultery of the heart.
  • This teaching emphasizes inner purity and integrity, not just outward behavior.
  • It does not mean that simply noticing someone is attractive is sinful—it refers to fantasizing or desiring them in a way that objectifies or mentally betrays a spouse.
So in this view: Lust (defined as willful, lingering, or fantasized sexual desire for someone other than one’s spouse) is a form of adultery in the heart—not legally, but spiritually and morally.

2. Psychological/Secular Perspective
Lust is not adultery in the literal sense. Adultery typically means physical sexual relations outside a committed partnership.
However, unregulated lust can:
  • Lead to behaviors like pornography use, emotional affairs, or cheating.
  • Create emotional distance in a relationship, especially if one partner feels unwanted or compared.
  • Be a symptom of unmet needs, avoidance of intimacy, or compulsive behavior.
So in this view: Lust is not adultery by itself, but it can be a risk factor or precursor to betrayal if not acknowledged and managed respectfully.

3. Relationship Integrity Perspective
In some couples, fidelity is about more than physical exclusivity—it includes emotional and sexual loyalty in thought and intention. For these couples:
  • Fantasizing about others sexually might feel like a breach of trust.
  • Intent matters. A fleeting thought is human; repeated indulgence or secrecy might be experienced as betrayal.
So in this view: Whether lust is adultery depends on the boundaries both partners have agreed on.

Healthy Reframe
​Instead of labeling lust as inherently wrong, it may help to ask:
  • What is the intention behind this desire?
  • Is it aligned with my values and commitments?
  • Is it fueling connection with my partner—or driving disconnection?
  • How can I express or explore my sexual energy in a way that is honest, respectful, and attuned to my relationship?

Is There Anything Wrong with Sexual Thoughts?

There is nothing inherently wrong with noticing someone is attractive or having sexual thoughts. This is a normal and involuntary part of being human.
Sexual thoughts are:
  • Natural: The brain and body respond to stimuli automatically. You didn’t choose to be wired this way.
  • Not a moral failure: Having a thought is not the same as acting on it or objectifying someone.
  • A doorway to self-understanding: Thoughts can help you get to know your desires, emotions, and patterns—not to judge them, but to explore them.
Involuntary thoughts ≠ sin or shame.
What matters is how you relate to the thought—not that it happened.
​
You can't control which thoughts or feelings show up, but you can learn how to respond to them.
Here's how it works:​
What You Can't Control
A spontaneous sexual thought
A feeling of attraction or arousal
What your body does automatically
What You Can Control
Whether you dwell on it or let it pass
How you respond—with curiosity, judgment, or compassion
Whether you attach shame, fantasy, or mindfulness to it
Trying to suppress or punish thoughts often backfires, making them stronger. Instead, practicing nonjudgmental awareness is far more effective.
“Oh, I noticed that I felt attraction. That’s interesting. What do I want to do with that awareness?”
This is how thoughts lose their grip—not through control, but through curiosity and kindness.

Difference Between a Thought and a Fantasy

The difference between a sexual thought and a sexual fantasy lies in depth, duration, intention, and emotional involvement. Here's a clear breakdown:

1. Sexual Thought
A sexual thought is typically:
  • Brief, fleeting, and spontaneous
  • Triggered by stimuli (e.g., seeing someone attractive, a memory, or a smell)
  • Not intentionally sustained
  • May not involve a detailed story or scenario
  • Often dismissed or redirected without much emotional or mental engagement
Example: “She’s really attractive.” Or, “That reminded me of a time we had sex.”

Generally considered:
  • A normal and involuntary part of human experience
  • Not inherently problematic or morally charged unless acted on or indulged against one’s values

2. Sexual Fantasy
A sexual fantasy is:
  • Deliberate or sustained, often imaginative and detailed
  • Involves scenarios, roles, settings, and sometimes recurring themes
  • Usually engaged with intentionally for arousal or gratification (e.g., during masturbation or daydreaming)
  • May be private or shared with a partner
Example: Imagining a full scene involving sex with someone else—how it begins, what is said, what happens, how it feels emotionally or physically.
 Why This Matters in Relationships
  • Many people accept sexual thoughts as natural and harmless.
  • Fantasies, especially if they involve someone other than the partner, can feel more like a breach of emotional or sexual exclusivity—especially if they’re recurrent or secret.
For some, a fantasy about another person feels like a betrayal of trust or desire; for others, it's just private mental play.

Are Fantasies a Problem?

It depends on the couple’s shared values, emotional agreements, and how the fantasy is experienced or used. A fantasy can be just a private, harmless mental experience—or it can carry emotional weight that threatens trust, even in a seemingly healthy relationship.

When a Fantasy Isn’t a Problem
Many couples—especially those with:
  • a secure emotional bond
  • mutual respect and openness
  • no history of betrayal
  • a shared view of sexual autonomy
…would agree that private fantasies are normal, inevitable, and not a threat to their connection.
Fantasy, in this view, is just mental play, not a rejection of one’s partner. It's a human mind being imaginative, not unfaithful.

When a Fantasy Can Become a Problem​
Even in a good relationship, a fantasy can become an issue when:
Issue
Secrecy or shame is involved

The fantasy is emotionally charged

It displaces real intimacy

It causes distress
​
Values misalignment
​
​Why It Matters
If one partner is hiding their fantasy life out of fear or guilt, that secrecy—not the fantasy—undermines trust.
If someone is emotionally longing for the fantasy (e.g., an ex, a coworker, or a non-consensual act), it may reflect or create internal distance from the relationship.
If fantasy becomes a more satisfying or safer space than intimacy with the partner, the connection may start to suffer even if it hasn’t yet.
If one partner knows or suspects they’re being mentally replaced during sex, it may feel violating—even in a “good” relationship.
Even happy couples can disagree: one may see fantasy as harmless, the other as a breach of mental fidelity. Without agreement, one partner may feel emotionally unsafe.
Not All “Thoughts” Are Equal
While a sexual thought might flash through the mind and vanish, a recurrent fantasy—especially if it's about a specific person or used during intimacy—can feel like a mental action, not just a passing thought.
Repetition + secrecy + emotional meaning = greater relational impact.

Real-World Examples
  • No problem: One partner privately fantasizes occasionally during masturbation or dreams; both accept this as natural and normal.
  • Relational tension: One partner frequently fantasizes about someone specific (e.g., a friend or coworker) and feels drawn to it emotionally. Their partner finds this painful or fears emotional drift.
  • Breach of trust: One partner finds out the other always uses porn or fantasy about others during sex—and they had no idea. Even if the relationship felt good, this may feel like deception or replacement.

Bottom Line
A fantasy isn’t inherently a problem—but:
  • It becomes a problem if it erodes emotional safety,
  • Replaces or diminishes intimacy, or
  • Violates the shared agreements of the relationship.
The key question is not, “Is this just a thought?” but rather:
“How does this thought impact my relationship, my partner, and my integrity?”

Fantasies During Sex

Key Findings about Men
General Estimate: 20–60% of men report having sexual thoughts about someone other than their partner at least occasionally during sex.
The wide range depends on how the question is asked, how anonymous the survey is, and cultural factors like shame, norms, and relationship satisfaction.

Specific Studies and Surveys
1. Kinsey Institute / Alfred Kinsey Research (1940s–2000s)
  • Early sex research found that a majority of men report sexual fantasies involving people other than their partner—not necessarily during sex, but regularly.
  • Thinking of others during sex was common but not always discussed due to shame or fear of judgment.
2. Leitenberg & Henning (1995) – Sexual Fantasy Review
  • Found that 98% of men report having sexual fantasies, and about 60% have fantasized about someone elseduring partnered sex at least once.
  • For many, this did not reflect dissatisfaction—just mental variation or stimulation.
3. YouGov Survey (UK, 2017)
  • 29% of men admitted to having fantasized about someone else during sex with their partner.
  • This number was likely underreported due to social desirability bias.
4. Journal of Sex Research (2009) – Samantha Dawson et al.
  • Studied content and frequency of sexual fantasies.
  • Found that thinking about someone other than a partner was one of the most common male fantasies.
  • A significant portion of men reported doing so even during intercourse with their partner, often tied to novelty or arousal preference—not necessarily dissatisfaction.

Important Context
  • Fantasy ≠ Disloyalty: Most men who report these thoughts still love and desire their partner.
  • Frequency varies by personality, relationship satisfaction, porn exposure, and sexual novelty needs.
  • Many men don’t act on these fantasies and may feel shame or guilt about them.
Key Findings About Women
Women also have sexual fantasies, and many experience them during sex—just like men do. In fact, fantasy is a natural and often essential part of female sexual expression, arousal, and emotional intimacy.
But how women experience, use, and relate to their fantasies can be quite different from how men do, depending on personality, culture, shame messaging, and relationship context.

What the Research Says
1. Almost all women fantasize
  • In a large meta-review (Leitenberg & Henning, 1995), 85–95% of women reported having sexual fantasies.
  • Most women begin fantasizing in adolescence and continue throughout life.
2. Many women fantasize during sex
  • A 2009 study in the Journal of Sex Research found that over 60% of women reported fantasizing about something or someone other than their partner during sex at least occasionally.
  • Another study (Leitenberg & Henning) showed 46% of women fantasized about past lovers or imagined scenarios during sex with their current partner.
Fantasizing during sex doesn't necessarily mean disconnection—it can enhance arousal, especially if a woman struggles to get "out of her head" and into her body.

​What Women Fantasize About (Common Themes)
According to multiple studies (including Tell Me What You Want by Justin Lehmiller):
Fantasy Category​
Power dynamics
Romantic idealization
Group or novelty scenarios
Reconnection
Taboo or forbidden themes
​Examples
Being dominated, ravished, overpowered
A deeply emotional and erotic encounter
Threesomes, strangers, exhibitionism
Sex with an ex, or intense makeup sex
Affairs, roleplay, being watched
Women’s fantasies tend to be more contextual and relational—focused on emotional tone, story, or atmosphere—not just visual acts.

Do Women Fantasize About Others During Sex?
Yes—many do. This can happen when:
  • They want to enhance arousal or orgasm
  • They're working through unresolved desire, grief, or longing
  • They’re replaying erotic memories or scenarios that feel more stimulating
  • They have a rich imaginative or fantasy life
This doesn’t necessarily mean they’re dissatisfied—for many women, fantasy is just a way to access deeper pleasure, especially when real-world sex is emotionally safe but not intensely arousing.

When It Can Become Complicated
​Fantasies during sex can create inner conflict or relational tension when:
  • The woman feels guilty or ashamed for “checking out” mentally
  • Her fantasy is a complete escape from her partner (not just enhancement)
  • She fantasizes about someone she has or wants to act on feelings for
  • Her partner finds out and feels hurt or replaced
In these cases, fantasy becomes less about pleasure and more about disconnection or avoidance, and it's worth exploring gently—not with blame, but with curiosity.

Why It Matters in Relationships
Whether this kind of fantasy is harmful depends not just on the thought, but on:
  • The emotional tone behind it (escapism vs. curiosity)
  • The frequency and secrecy
  • The relational context (is there emotional or sexual disconnection?)
  • Whether both partners agree on what sexual exclusivity means—mentally as well as physically

Are Fantasies Involuntary?

Can sexual thoughts about others during sex be controlled, or do they just happen?
They can happen involuntarily, especially as spontaneous mental images or associations—but they can also be managed, redirected, or consciously chosen over time with awareness and effort.

1. Some Thoughts Are Spontaneous
  • The brain is wired for novelty, sexual memory, and imaginative stimulation.
  • During arousal, the mind becomes more associative—meaning thoughts, fantasies, and images may “pop up” without conscious effort.
  • For men especially, visual and narrative arousal cues (often shaped by early sexual experiences or porn exposure) may trigger these thoughts involuntarily.
Just like you can’t always control the first thought that appears, you can choose how to respond to it.

2. Reinforced Thoughts Become Habits
  • If someone regularly fantasizes about others during sex, that becomes a mental habit loop—reinforced by dopamine, repetition, and the reward of orgasm.
  • Over time, the brain may rely on these fantasies to stay aroused—especially if:
    • There's boredom, resentment, or unresolved tension in the relationship.
    • There’s been porn conditioning (where variety is constant and mental switching is habitual).
In this case, the fantasy becomes less “spontaneous” and more patterned or conditioned—and yes, it can be changed.
​Practice
Mindful awareness during sex
Erotic focus retraining

Fantasy reframing

Healing erotic disconnection

​Reducing porn use (if relevant)
​How It Helps
Notice when your mind drifts—gently bring it back without shame.
Consciously focus on your partner’s body, breath, sounds, and shared pleasure.
Shift fantasy to include your partner (e.g., imagining scenarios with her, not instead of her).
Explore whether emotional blocks or resentments are interfering with real-time desire.
Break the neural pattern of constant novelty and mental switching.
This is not about policing desire, but about strengthening the bridge between arousal and intimacy with your partner.

Bonus Insight: Desire ≠ Fantasy
Just because someone has a fantasy or thought about person doesn’t mean:
  • They desire them more
  • They find their partner inadequate
  • They are being unfaithful
But if the only way they can become or stay aroused is by replacing their partner mentally, that signals a relational or sexual disconnect that’s worth exploring—not shaming.

Summary
Are the thoughts automatic? Sometimes yes—especially if they’re fleeting or triggered by old patterns.
Are they uncontrollable? No. They can be noticed, understood, and redirected with effort and honesty.
Should they be judged? Not necessarily. But they should be understood—especially if they interfere with intimacy.

Talking About Fantasy

How to Talk About Fantasy as a Couple
Before You Begin:
  • Don’t bring it up during sex, conflict, or when someone is already feeling insecure.
  • Make it a curiosity-driven conversation—not a confession or interrogation.
  • Agree on a tone of safety: No shaming, no defensiveness, no moralizing.

Sample Conversation Script
Partner A:
“I’ve been thinking about how fantasy plays a role in sexuality—and I’m curious how it shows up for both of us. Would you be open to talking about that?”
Partner B:
“That makes me a little nervous, but I want to understand. What do you have in mind?”
Partner A:
“I sometimes notice fantasies come up for me—sometimes about us, sometimes about ideas or experiences. I don’t want to hide that, and I also don’t want it to hurt our connection. I wonder what that looks like for you, too?”
Partner B:
“I’ve had those, too, but never knew if it was safe to share. I guess I’ve always wondered—does fantasy mean something is missing?”
Partner A:
“Not always. For me, it’s more like a mental playground. But I want to make sure it’s not creating distance between us either.”
You can then explore:
  • What kinds of fantasies are common for each partner?
  • Are there fantasies that feel exciting to share?
  • Are there any that feel off-limits or triggering?
  • What’s the difference between private and secret in your relationship?
​
Is the Fantasy Helping or Hurting?
​Here’s a quick self-check to assess whether a fantasy is enriching or eroding intimacy:
​Fantasy is likely helping if...
It enhances arousal and pleasure with your partner
It feels like play or creative exploration
You feel free to share (or not) without shame
It’s occasionally present but not required
​
It creates emotional closeness or playful erotic connection
​Fantasy may be hurting if...
It’s the only way you feel aroused during sex
It feels like escape or replacement
You hide it because you fear judgment or conflict
It dominates your sexual experience or causes guilt or withdrawal
It creates emotional distance or resentment
Guidelines for Sharing Fantasies Safely
  1. Use “I” language:
    “I’ve noticed that when I…” vs. “You always fantasize about…”
  2. Share meaning, not just content:
    “This fantasy makes me feel desired,” not just “I imagine a threesome.”
  3. Gauge consent and boundaries:
    Not all fantasies need to be shared. Ask:
    “Would you like to know about this, or would it be better for me to keep it private?”
  4. Agree on categories:
    Partners can name fantasies that are:
    • Safe to share
    • Optional to share
    • Off-limits to act on
  5. Be prepared for reactions:
    Let your partner have an emotional response without rushing to defend or withdraw.

Final Thought
​Fantasy becomes harmful not because it exists, but when it replaces presence, breeds shame, or violates shared agreements.
But when discussed openly and with care, it can be a source of playfulness, emotional connection, and even deeper erotic growth in a relationship.

Guide To Be More Present During Sex

Here’s a self-inquiry guide and practice to help someone become more present during sex and retrain their erotic focus—especially if they struggle with intrusive or habitual fantasies about others.

Part 1: Gentle Self-Inquiry
Reflect on these questions without judgment—curiosity, not shame, is the goal.
What’s the fantasy doing for me?
  • What feelings or sensations does it give me that I don’t easily access with my partner?
    Novelty? Control? Excitement? Escape? Emotional safety?
How connected do I feel to my partner sexually?
  • Do I feel emotionally safe, desired, confident, or pressured?
  • Is there any resentment, stress, or emotional distance affecting my desire?
What patterns have shaped my arousal?
  • Did I learn to associate arousal with fantasy early on (e.g., through porn, isolation, shame)?
  • Do I habitually fantasize because it feels easier than being present?

Part 2: Erotic Presence Practice (During Sex or Intimacy)
This is a slow process—not a performance. Start with gentle sensual touch, kissing, or clothed intimacy if intercourse is too vulnerable at first.
Anchor Your Senses
Bring attention to:
  • Your partner’s breathing
  • Their warmth and skin
  • Their smell, voice, eye contact
  • The sound of their pleasure
When a fantasy image appears, don’t shame it—just name it (“There it is”) and return to your senses.
Slow Down
  • The more rushed or goal-oriented sex becomes, the more the brain relies on shortcuts (like fantasy) to reach arousal.
  • Slow, attuned touch increases real-time erotic energy.
Use Erotic Intention
  • Before intimacy, try a brief internal statement:
  • “My desire is for us, not escape. I choose to be here, now.”
  • This reorients your system toward connection, not compensation.
Redirect Fantasy if Needed
If a fantasy comes up:
  • Try shifting it to include your partner—imagine them in that scenario.
  • Ask: “Can this erotic energy be brought into our shared experience instead of away from it?”

Part 3: Aftercare & Integration
After intimacy:
  • Journal (even 1–2 sentences): What helped me stay present? What pulled me away?
  • Debrief gently with your partner (if the relationship allows): “I’m working on being more present during sex. I noticed ___ helped me stay connected to you.”
This builds emotional intimacy, not just sexual performance.

Final Thought
Erotic focus is like a muscle—it strengthens with awareness, kindness, and practice.
The goal is not to eliminate fantasy, but to reclaim your capacity for real connection—so that your arousal and intimacy are in the same place.

Why Are Women Triggered More Than Men?

The answer lies at the intersection of neurobiology, attachment needs, cultural conditioning, and gendered relational wounding. Let’s break it down with clarity and compassion.

1. Women Tend to Prioritize Emotional Safety Over Novelty
  • For many women, sexual connection is deeply tied to emotional closeness, presence, and exclusivity—not just physical pleasure.
  • When a partner fantasizes about someone else, it can feel like a disruption in intimacy, not just a harmless private thought.
  • Even if nothing is "done wrong," the internal message may be:
    “You were not fully with me.”
This isn’t about control—it’s about emotional survival for some women.

2. Attachment and Safety are Core to Female Arousal
  • Research (like by Emily Nagoski, Come As You Are) shows that for many women, arousal is context-sensitive—meaning that trust, presence, and security matter more than visual stimulation or fantasy.
  • If their partner’s attention drifts elsewhere (even mentally), it can trigger an unconscious alarm:
    “Is our connection still safe? Am I enough?”

3. Cultural Conditioning and Purity Culture Wounds
  • Many women (especially in conservative or religious environments) are taught that:
    • Sexual thoughts are dangerous or sinful
    • Men's lust is harmful and objectifying
    • Their worth is tied to being chosen and desired exclusively
  • So when a husband admits to fantasizing about another woman, it collides with years of moral or shame-based conditioning.
The reaction is often not to him—but to a lifelong internalized fear of being rejected, replaced, or devalued.

4. Sexual Desire is Often Interpersonal for Women
  • While men are often conditioned to develop a more internal, stimulus-driven sexual template, women tend to desire being:
    • Seen
    • Wanted
    • Chosen
    • Cherished in real time
  • A partner mentally leaving the room (even unintentionally) during sex can feel like:
    “You’re using my body while someone else is in your heart or head.”
This can feel violating, even if there's no bad intention.

5. Men Often Detach Fantasy From Emotion—Women Often Don’t
  • Many men can compartmentalize fantasy as mental play—it doesn’t mean anything about their love or desire for their partner.
  • But many women experience sexual fantasy as emotionally loaded—so if a partner fantasizes about someone else, they imagine how they would feel doing the same, and assume similar meaning.

Summary: Why Women May Be More Triggered
​Underlying Reason
Emotional safety is central to arousal
Attachment wounds or trauma
Cultural and religious conditioning
Women often sexualize being desired
​
Partner’s fantasy feels interpersonal
​How It Shows Up
Fantasies feel like emotional disconnection
Triggers fear of abandonment, inadequacy, or being replaced
Fantasies feel morally wrong, objectifying, or disrespectful
Being "mentally left out" during sex undermines that core need
Harder to compartmentalize or see as “just mental play”

What Can Help?

This is where gentle truth, emotional reassurance, and education can work together.

1. Clarify the Difference Between Thought and Action
  • Help her understand:
    • Attraction is uncontrollable
    • Fantasy ≠ intent
    • You’re committed by choice, not by blindness to others
“I can notice someone’s attractive the same way I notice a sunset is beautiful—it doesn’t mean I want to leave the person I love.”

2. Provide Reassurance, Not Just Reasoning
She may need to feel more than hear that she’s secure, cherished, and wanted. Say things like:
  • “You are the person I choose, every day.”
  • “My attraction to others doesn’t take away from my desire for you.”
  • “You don’t need to compete with anyone. You are irreplaceable.”
Truth doesn’t always calm a fear. Connection does.

3. Encourage Self-Compassion and Body Sovereignty
For the woman: it helps to reflect on and unlearn the belief that her partner’s desires define her value.
Questions she might explore:
  • “When I feel threatened by his attraction, what am I really afraid of?”
  • “Is this about him—or my relationship with my own body and worth?”
  • “Can I grieve the cultural lies I was taught about love, beauty, and competition?”

4. Education Helps Everyone
Books like:
  • Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski (helps normalize differences in desire)
  • The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire (faith-based, dismantles harmful sexual teachings)
  • Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel (explores attraction inside long-term love)
All help reframe sexual thoughts as a feature of the human experience, not a threat.

When This Becomes a Deeper Issue
It’s important to differentiate between:
  • Normal, passing thoughts (e.g., “she’s beautiful”)
  • Patterns of comparison, objectification, or porn use that may erode trust
If her partner’s sexual thoughts are paired with:
  • Secrecy
  • Frequent mental checking-out
  • Emotional or sexual disconnection
…then her pain may be valid and pointing to a larger relational wound that needs repair.

Summary: What Each Partner Can Do
For Men:
  • Be honest but tender. Normalize desire without minimizing her pain.
  • Show consistent emotional and physical engagement.
  • Avoid defensiveness. Her feelings aren’t wrong.
For Women:
  • Explore how past wounds, culture, and internalized beliefs shape your response.
  • Practice separating your worth from his thoughts.
  • Invite open conversation—not control, but connection.

“Noticing beauty in the world doesn’t mean we’ve stopped loving the one we’re with. But we honor them by helping them feel like the center of our world, even when desire moves through us.”
Navigating Attraction & Emotional Safety
​Here’s a Conversation Guide for Couples navigating the sensitive topic of sexual thoughts, attraction, and emotional safety—especially in the aftermath of purity culture or past relational wounds. This guide is designed to foster curiosity, not control; connection, not shame.

Ground Rules (Read Together First)
  • Assume good intent. This isn’t about judgment—this is about understanding each other.
  • Go slow. If a question stings, pause and name it. You can come back to it.
  • Be curious, not reactive. Say, “Tell me more…” instead of “How could you think that?”
  • No fixing or defending—just listening.

Section 1: Getting Curious About Beliefs
  • Take turns answering, one person speaks while the other listens.
  • "What did you grow up believing about sexual thoughts, desire, and attraction?”
  • “Were you ever taught that having sexual thoughts was wrong or harmful?”
  • “What did you learn about what a ‘good’ partner should or shouldn’t feel or think?”

Section 2: Talking About Real-Life Experiences
  • “Have you ever felt hurt by something your partner thought, said, or looked at?” If yes:
    • “What did that moment mean to you? What fear did it tap into?”
    • “What would you have needed in that moment to feel secure again?”
  • “Have you ever felt ashamed or scared to share a sexual thought or attraction with your partner?” If yes:
    • “What made that difficult?”
    • “What would help you feel safe being honest?”

Section 3: Creating a Safety Plan Together
  • These questions help transform conflict into collaboration.
    • “What do I need from you when I feel insecure or triggered by your attraction to someone else?”
    • "What would help me understand that you’re still choosing me, even when desire comes up?”
    • “What boundaries or understandings could help both of us feel free and safe in this area?”
    • “How can we affirm each other’s sexuality as a beautiful, human part of who we are?”

Section 4: Script Starters (Use, Modify, or Rewrite)
  • Here are some gentle scripts you can use in real conversations:
    • When a man wants to share honestly:
      • “I want to be transparent with you. I sometimes notice others, but not because anything is lacking in you. You’re who I love and choose. I want us to be able to talk about these things without shame.”
    • When a woman feels insecure:
      • “When I hear about your attraction to someone else, a part of me gets scared that I’m not enough. I know that might not be true, but I’d love your help reassuring that part.”
    • When reassurance is needed:
      • “I notice others sometimes, but I don’t want anyone else. You’re the one I love and come home to. Attraction is instinctual—but connection is intentional. You are my choice.”

Bonus Questions for Reflection (Optional Journal Prompts)
  • What does my partner’s attraction bring up in me: fear of abandonment? Comparison? Old wounds?
  • What would it look like to honor my partner’s humanity while still holding healthy boundaries?
  • How can we make space for erotic honesty while also protecting trust and tenderness?

Closing Ritual
  • “One thing I learned in this conversation is…”
  • “One thing I appreciate about you is…”
  • “One thing I want to keep practicing is…”