Lying

Lying is a deeply human behavior—nearly universal, often complex, and almost always connected to some form of protection or pursuit. Let’s explore this from multiple angles:

Why Do People Lie?
People lie for many reasons, but most fall into two overarching categories:
1. To Gain Something

Approval or admiration – exaggerating achievements to be liked.
Power or advantage – manipulating facts to win a negotiation, escape consequences, or gain influence.
Material benefit – lying to get a job, win money, avoid fines, etc.
Control of narrative – shaping how others see you or someone else.

2. To Prevent Losing Something

Avoiding conflict – “It’s easier not to bring it up.”
Protecting relationships – hiding truths that might hurt someone.
Fear of rejection – “If I’m honest, they won’t love me.”
Preserving a self-image – protecting against shame or guilt.
Fear of punishment – legal, social, or emotional consequences.

At its core, lying is often a survival strategy.

What Keeps People From Telling the Truth?
1. Fear

Rejection – being seen as bad, broken, or unworthy.
Punishment – real or imagined consequences.
Disappointment – hurting someone or letting them down.
Being misunderstood – especially if they lack the words or confidence to express themselves clearly.

2. Shame

Shame tells us not just “you did something wrong,” but “you are wrong.” When shame dominates, honesty feels like exposure rather than connection.

3. Learned Patterns

Growing up in environments where truth was punished or dismissed teaches people to lie as a default.
If vulnerability led to ridicule, punishment, or abandonment, lying may become a habitual protective response.

4. Powerlessness

Sometimes people lie because they feel like telling the truth won’t change anything. They may feel unheard, unvalued, or unable to influence the outcome.

What Makes It Unsafe to Tell the Truth?

Harsh punishment or reactivity – If someone has experienced being yelled at, shamed, or dismissed after being honest, they will learn to hide.
Black-and-white thinking – “If I admit to this mistake, I’ll be labeled as bad.” When people aren’t allowed to be complex, honesty feels too risky.
Conditional love – Environments where acceptance is based on performance, compliance, or image make truth-telling dangerous.
Emotional volatility – When others react with rage, shutdowns, or guilt-tripping, it trains people to conceal.

What Creates Safety for Telling the Truth?
To foster honesty, we need to create conditions where truth is less dangerous than hiding.
1. Emotional Regulation

If someone can share without fearing explosive reactions, honesty becomes less scary.

2. Nonjudgmental Curiosity

“Help me understand what was going on for you.”
This tone invites rather than interrogates.

3. Repair and Accountability

Safety doesn’t mean zero consequences—but consequences should be restorative, not punitive. Knowing that truth won’t destroy the relationship encourages openness.

4. Secure Relationships

When people believe “you will still love me, even if I mess up,” they are more likely to tell the truth.

5. Modeling

If leaders, parents, or partners model truth-telling—including admitting mistakes—it sets the tone for others to do the same.

6. Inner Safety (Self-Compassion)

When someone has done internal work (e.g. through therapy or IFS) to soothe shame and self-judgment, they are more capable of being honest—even when it's hard.

Role of Previous Trauma

Previous relationship trauma plays a central role in whether someone feels safe telling the truth. Traumatic relational experiences—especially those involving betrayal, punishment, abandonment, or manipulation—can deeply shape the nervous system, attachment patterns, and protective strategies a person develops. Let’s explore how:

1. Truth Became Unsafe
In many traumatic relationships, truth-telling was met with harm:

A child who told the truth and got screamed at learns: hide it next time.
A partner who disclosed a need or mistake and was shamed or abandoned learns: I can’t be fully myself and stay safe.
A person who shared their truth and was gaslit learns: Maybe I can’t even trust what I feel or know.

Over time, the brain begins to associate truth with threat, not connection.

2. Development of Protective Parts (IFS Lens)
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), protective parts emerge in response to wounded exiles. For someone with relational trauma:

Manager parts might lie, edit, or deflect to maintain appearances or avoid pain.
Firefighter parts may impulsively hide or deny when triggered—especially if the truth feels too vulnerable.

Even if the present relationship is safe, these protectors don't trust it yet—they’re still reacting to the past.

3. Hypervigilance and Anticipation of Rejection
Trauma teaches people to scan constantly for danger.

“Will they leave me if I say this?”
“Will this cause a blow-up?”
“Am I too much?”

The fear of emotional abandonment or explosive conflict can lead to avoidance, partial truths, or deception as a form of self-protection.

4. Internalized Shame and Worthlessness
Truth often involves revealing something vulnerable: a need, a fear, a mistake.

Trauma survivors may believe: “If you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me.”
The truth becomes a liability because it exposes the “unacceptable” parts they’ve learned to hide.

5. Trauma Bonds and Control
In relationships marked by trauma bonds (e.g., abuse cycles), lying can become a means of regaining some sense of agency:

“If I tell the truth, they’ll control me.”
“I have to manage the situation, or they’ll blow up.”
“I can’t afford for them to know what I’m thinking or doing.”

Here, dishonesty becomes a strategy for psychological survival.

6. Dissociation or Confusion
In trauma survivors, especially those with complex trauma:

They may not be fully aware of the truth in the moment.
They might fragment their experience, not realizing they’re omitting or distorting things.
This isn’t intentional deception—it’s a symptom of how trauma has disrupted coherence.

What Helps?
To support truth-telling in someone with relational trauma:

Create consistent emotional safety (calm tone, regulated reactions).
Use “parts language” to reduce shame (e.g., “I’m curious what part felt it couldn’t share that”).
Repair after ruptures to demonstrate that truth doesn’t cost the relationship.
Validate the fear behind the lie—without excusing harm.
Model vulnerability and truth-telling yourself.

Lying After Betrayal

After betrayal—especially sexual or emotional betrayal--truth becomes sacred to the betrayed partner. It's not just about information; it's about restoring safety, dignity, and reality. When the betrayer continues to lie (or withhold, minimize, or deflect), it intensifies trauma and destroys any chance of repair. Let’s explore what’s happening on both sides and how this dynamic can be understood and possibly shifted.

Why the Betrayed Partner Desperately Needs the Truth
After betrayal, the betrayed partner is in a state of psychological free-fall:

“What was real?”
“Who are you really?”
“Am I crazy for sensing something was wrong?”
“How do I protect myself now?”

The truth serves several crucial purposes:

Rebuilding reality – Betrayal creates a split between what the partner believed and what was actually happening. Telling the truth repairs that split.
Restoring agency – They can’t make informed decisions (to stay or leave, to grieve or heal) without full disclosure.
Healing betrayal trauma – As Omar Minwalla says, betrayal isn’t just about the sex or the lie—it’s about gaslighting, manipulation, and the violation of relational safety.
Rebuilding trust – Ironically, telling the full truth—however ugly—can be the first step toward re-establishing trust, because it shows the betrayer is finally choosing transparency over protection.

Why the Betrayer Might Keep Lying
This is not an excuse, but an exploration of what might be happening internally:
1. Shame and fear of judgment

“If I tell the full truth, you’ll hate me, leave me, or never recover.”
Deep shame tells them: “I am a monster.”
So they lie to preserve the image of being “not as bad.”

2. Desire to control damage

They may hope that minimizing or “trickling out” information will soften the blow.
Ironically, this creates more damage, as it re-traumatizes the betrayed partner each time a new piece is revealed.

3. Habitual compartmentalization

Many betrayers have practiced emotional and psychological splitting—keeping parts of themselves (e.g., sexual, addictive, fantasy-based) hidden even from themselves. This can lead to distorted, incomplete, or delayed disclosures.

4. Protective parts at work (IFS Lens)

A firefighter part may lie to avoid exposure.
A manager may manipulate to preserve control.
These parts may genuinely believe they're protecting the system—even though they're causing immense harm.

5. Not understanding what “truth” means to the betrayed partner

Some betrayers think “I’ve already admitted to the affair—that should be enough.”
They may not grasp that emotional details, timeline, access to devices, motivations, emotional entanglements, and the full scope of deception are all part of the truth that matters to the betrayed.

What Would Create Conditions for Truth?
For the betrayer to tell the truth—and for the betrayed partner to begin healing—the following must be present:
1. Accountability > Avoidance

The betrayer needs to commit to full ownership, not just damage control. This usually requires therapeutic support.
Formal therapeutic disclosure can provide structure and containment.

2. Understanding impact

The betrayer must grasp that continuing to lie is its own second betrayal. Even small omissions feel like massive violations in the wake of trauma.

3. Support for the betrayer’s internal work

This isn’t just about confessing—it’s about transforming the part of them that thought secrecy was acceptable.
IFS, EMDR, or trauma-informed therapy can help them explore:
- What part lied?
- What was it afraid of?
- What wound was it protecting?
- What do they now choose to do differently?

4. Structured rebuilding

Boundaries, transparency (e.g., device access), polygraph (in some cases), and consistent truth-telling behaviors are critical.
Repair can’t happen without ongoing demonstrations of integrity, empathy, and reliability.

Without the Truth, There’s No Real HealingEvery time the betrayer lies, even "just to avoid more pain," they:

Undermine their partner’s sense of reality.
Reignite the trauma wound.
Deepen the trust gap.
Delay or destroy any chance of true reconnection.

As Janis Spring puts it, “Truth is the precondition for forgiveness. And lies are the enemy of intimacy.”