Mother Enmeshed Men

Men who have excessive emotional ties to their mothers feel trapped, and guilty, and disloyal when attempting to follow their own wishes and live their own lives. This syndrome is called Mother-Son Enmeshment; those who suffer from this are Mother Enmeshed Men, MEM for short.

Most close relationships between mothers and sons are not enmeshed relationships. The key distinction is that, in a healthy mother-son connection, son's needs are being addressed and the mother meets her own needs for emotional support and companionship elsewhere. In an enmeshed relationship, the mother uses her son for emotional support and companionship. He learns to focus on keeping her satisfied. He becomes her surrogate husband. Struggling under this burden, he is drained of his youthful energy.

Are you a Mother-Enmeshed Man?

Are you often preoccupied about your mother's unhappiness in her life?
Do you think of your mother as perfect or martyr?
Have you ever felt obliged to fix, take care of, or get involved in your mother's problems?
Are you the most important person in your mother's life, or have you been in the past?
Do you often escort your mother to social functions, or did you do this in the past?
Have you felt engulfed, smothered, or intruded on by your mother?
Do interactions with your mother often leave you feeling guilty that you're not doing enough for her?
Does your mother put down or criticize your girlfriend or wife?
Are you distant from your father?
Do you often feel scorn or contempt toward your father?
Are you more comfortable relating to women than men?
Have you felt controlled, smothered, or entrapped in many of your romantic relationships?
Do you often put other people's feelings and needs first before your own?
Do you often feel guilty when pursuing your own wants or needs?
Has it happened to you more than once that you walked away from a romantic relationship even though you suspected it could've been good for you?
Have you been overly loyal in a bad situation or destructive relationship?
Do you often feel anxious when you and your partner are physically separated?
Have you felt depressed or helpless in attempting to positively impact your life?
Have you struggled to make life decisions that you felt others might make more easily?
Have you felt like you have failed to live out your hearts true desire?

Characteristics of MEM 's childhood

His mother keeps him close to her.
His mother often intrudes into his privacy, even when he protests.
His mother tells him about her anger with her husband, her sexual frustration, or other adult matters.
He often escorts his mother to social functions. He is her little companion.
Grown-ups often comment on how “well behaved” he is, or they say he is a “little adult.”
His mother discourages activities that take him away from her, including sports and play with other children, especially girlfriends.
He sometimes avoids going to school or going out so that he can stay home, close to his mother.
His mother makes decisions for him and determines his interests without asking him.
His mother has few outside interests or adult friends. He is the predominant focus of her life.
His mother is unhappy in her marriage and a martyr. He has become the person she can count on.
He takes on in his own personality the same depression and social isolation of his mother.
His father is either absent or ineffective, while the son becomes the man of the house.
His mother discourages any connection with his father.
He feels abandoned by or distant from his father.
He feels scorn and contempt toward his father.

Symptoms of a MEM

Feeling Guilty and Inadequate.  A MEM's inability to satisfy his mother makes him feel guilty. Whenever he has an encounter with his mother-either real or in his head, either as a child or later as an adult-his sense that he has inadequately served her is reinforced. Feeling excessive guilt and inadequacy is a key symptom of enmeshment.

Commitment Phobia. At first, a MEM will be adoring, passionate, and enthusiastic, but one day without warning he will back away. As the connection turns into opportunity to bond or commit, a MEM has a tendency to panic and want to escape. Even a small commitment-like a movie or travel reservation-can seem overwhelmingly difficult.

Addictions.  Addictions can include working too much, sexual addictions, eating disorders, financial disorders, and many others.  The basic mechanism is the same for all addictions. Condition begins as an attempt to dull the pain from some helpless time in childhood, what psychologists call “psychological trauma.” A person can find escape, relief, and a sense of control in the addictive process.

Low Self-Worth and Indecisiveness.  Having been held back by his mother when he was a child, a MEM now holds himself back. The MEM’s low self-worth expresses itself as not trusting his own judgment, doesn't know what he wants, and he doesn't trust his own sense of what he likes. It’s not a question of feeling guilty; he just doesn't know what to do. MEM’s sense of guilt comes from feeling bad about disappointing mom. His guilt makes him feel inadequate, because he couldn't make her happy.

Unreliability. A perpetually adolescent MEM's unreliability is his way of saying no to being controlled by his mother. He often feels the commitment to do a particular thing at a particular time is a trap he must escape from. Being late or “forgetting” is his way of saying “you can't control me.”

People Pleasing.  A MEM will often come in the therapy complaining that he is doing too much for others area he learned to placate his mother, and he has carried this way of relating into adulthood, particularly with women. However, it is a difficult false self to maintain. He commonly gets resentful and acts out his suppressed anger.

Displaced Anger.  When a person is angry with someone from the past, such as a mother or father, he or she may project this anger towards someone in the present. This person in the present usually has some quality that is evocative of the person from the past. Displacement of anger can also happen with respect to circumstances rather than people-for example, the suppressed anger from having to live as a child under abusive conditions might be evoked by some circumstance in the present that is suggestive of those conditions in the past.

The Lost Identity.  A MEM loses contact with himself. He is detached from his own feelings, wants, and needs. He learned at an early age to take care of his mother and to discount himself. This crushing of his emerging self in childhood divorces him from the soul of his individuality. His identity is lost.

Self-Neglect.  Many MEM do not feel comfortable taking time or resources for themselves. Even tending to their own necessities can feel “wrong” or “wasteful.” A MEM has been trained to focus on only his mother's needs; his needs are expendable. Sometimes even have a little fun can seem dangerous.

Sexual Problems. MEM 's sexuality is wounded by enmeshment. The effects in adulthood can include sexual dysfunction, sexual anorexia, sexual addiction, and sexual perversions.  A MEM’s wounded sexuality is also a significant component of the low self-worth and the chronic depression, ambivalence, and rage that plague many MEM.

The “true self” refers to the capacity of a person to be aware and express a full range of feelings (including emotional pain) and to use this awareness to navigate through life. For the true self, core beliefs and values don't depend on somebody else's opinions. The “false self” is about the repression and denial of unacceptable feelings, needs, wants, and desires in order to maintain approval and secure love at all costs. Some other consequences of MEM and living in the false self are:

Difficulty identifying and expressing feelings
Difficulty with intimacy
Perfectionism
Rigid
Difficulty making decisions
Extremes of being overly dependent and then overly independent
Meeting other people’s approval to feel good about himself

These aspects of a MEM's behavior all result from his desperate need to play the roles assigned to him.

The unconscious mind can be provoked in situations that are parallel to those in a person's past. When this happens, it may generate some of the feelings and strong emotions from the past, such as fear and anger. It has the power to override the conscious mind when it perceives a crisis. Childhood trauma can distort the unconscious minds understanding of what is a crisis and what is not. For an MEM, even a minor request for connection might provoke a flood of fear and anger over the prospect of being “trapped again.”

When a person’s unconscious is provoked under stress to generate feelings from the past, the person often associates those feelings with someone in the present, thereby “projecting” the feelings of the somewhat and rather than someone from long ago. A MEM 's relationships are affected by this projecting of feelings, because he often feels the pain of child investment when he is with his partner.

Forgiving is important to spiritual growth in healing. However, some people use forgiveness to deny rather than to reconcile problems and feelings. When this happens, the unconscious still has its way, and the problems persist. Forgiveness without facing these problems and feelings is just another form of denial.

Denial is the ability to correctly perceive an unacceptable or painful reality about ourselves or our parents or others. People who have been abused as children often idealize their childhoods. They may report “nothing” was wrong, when there was severe abuse. They are often “in denial.”

If you recognize these annoyances pertaining to you, then consider therapy:

Minimizing. You have a distracting habit, you know there is a problem, but you minimize it. You say, “This isn't a big deal,” or, “This is a problem, but I can handle it myself.” But you never do handle it. We could be talking here about difficulties with relationships, commitment, sexual problems, eating too much or drinking too much, working too much or having no get up and go.
Avoiding. Some aspect of your behavior bothers you, but you don't want to think about it. You may be “in denial.”
Can't change. Some aspect of your behavior or life bothers you, and you try to make things better, but you haven’t succeeded. Your conscious will alone isn't up to the job.
Troubled sexuality. Some aspect of your sexuality bothers you. You may have difficulty with performance, or your sexuality may be suppressed, or it may be excessive, compulsive, or disturbing in some other way.
Feeling anxious or depressed. Anxiety or depression is limiting your life.
Can't say no. You cannot set limits with people-such as your mother or your partner who make unreasonable demands on your time and energy.
Betrayal bond. You have a relationship that is described as a betrayal bond. For example, you may have misplaced loyalty, in the sense that you are loyal to people, situations, relationships, or institutions that are hurtful or harmful to you.

The healing journey for the MEM includes trying to develop his relationship with his father and limit his relationship with his mother. Fundamental to making things better with both parents is the idea of boundaries. Because of their long history of enmeshment, MEM find it difficult to negotiate the middle ground in relationships. They expect to be merged with the person or distant from him or her. A MEM had his boundaries ignored and intruded on when he was a child, at a time when his ability to say no was developing. Now, as an adult, he struggles to have boundaries, and he has trouble saying no.

Here's a step-by-step process for a command to set boundaries with his mother:

Step 1. Make a list of the 10 most burdensome, inappropriate caretaking things you do for your mother, ordered from the most damaging and difficult to the least.
Step 2. Write down a few statements that are clear and specific ways of setting limits, such as, “no. I'm unable to do that for you,” or, “I can't talk now. I will call you tomorrow.” You should practice these statements out loud, so you don't change your position under the stress of talking to her.
Step 3. Identify the feelings that come up as you practice your “boundary statements” and talk about them with someone. Typically, you will feel an emotional hangover of disloyalty, guilt, and fear of retaliation.
Step 4. List the things your mother does that trigger your guilt or fear the most. Did she get weepy? Does she become a martyr? Does she show disappointment? Does she show anger? Does she get silent? Does she threaten retaliation? You need to anticipate your reactions to these triggers, then write them down and think about them. In this way, you will prepare yourself.
Step 5. Work to develop a set of new beliefs to counter false beliefs that you learned as a child.

New Beliefs for MEM

It was not my responsibility, when I was a little boy, to take care of my mother. It is not my responsibility today.
It is okay to have my own life and be separate from my mother.
It is okay to need what I need, want what I want, and desire what I desire. I can pursue my needs, wants, and desires, as long as I behave responsibly.
It is okay to feel and express my passion in all areas of my life, including sexual passion. My passion is mine, not my mother's.
I am responsible for my sexual expression. It is there for me to enjoy, not to suppress or act out.
I am not being disloyal to my mother when I have a satisfying relationship with a woman.
Fantasy will not bring the intimacy.
There is no perfect partner. I deserve to have a realistic relationship with someone I desire.
I cannot sustain any relationship I don't want. It's okay to leave her relationship and look for a partner I like.
In relationships, I am not being entrapped or engulfed. That is a memory. I have the choice to set boundaries, to take time to consider what I want, or to end the relationship.
It is okay to be intimate at my own pace.
Commitment means the choice to stay, not the demand to be loyal no matter what happens.

Summary of Steps for Setting Boundaries

Recognize there is a problem.
Defined boundaries-not too rigid, not too loose
Practice setting the boundaries before actually setting them. Be willing to tolerate the loss, guilt, fear, and shame that may come up when they are set.
Plan for support after having encountered around the boundaries.
Set the boundaries and hold firm.
Get the support as planned.

Safe people

Tend to express their feelings in moderate and reasonable ways

Tend to be compassionate, understanding, and empathic when you share your feelings.

Show interest in you, what you are doing, and how you're feeling.

Are willing to negotiate a relationship. They let you know if they feel there is a problem between the 2 of you. They are interested in knowing how you feel about their behavior, if there seems to be a problem.

Are clear about who they are, what they believed, and their intentions.

Feel good to be around. You know where you stand with them.

Unsafe people

Tend not to reveal their feelings, or, if they do, it's in extreme ways. They even threaten, so that you will feel intimidated, or they become martyrs to make you feel guilty.

Don't show much empathy. They have difficulty being sensitive to how it feels to be in another person's shoes.

Our self-focused and self-interested. They make most topics of conversation about themselves.

Don't negotiate in relationships. They do not have relationship histories. They have only a few friends or only subservient or dominant friends.

Are vague about their motives, intentions, and commitments. They blame others when they are misunderstood.

Don't “feel right” to you. For example, narcissists will tend to make you feel inadequate and unsure of yourself, in response to their need to dominate and their inability to recognize you as a separate person.