Narcissistic Mother Traits: 13 Signs
By Anna Drescher
Updated on January 23, 2024
Reviewed by Saul McLeod, PhD & Julia Simkus

A narcissistic mother can have a significant impact on her children’s emotional well-being and overall development. If you have a particularly difficult or troublesome relationship with your mother, you may be wondering if it is the result of her personality. She might lack empathy, have a strong sense of entitlement, manipulates you to fulfill her own needs, or belittle you in front of other people. She might even be verbally or physically abusive and emotionally volatile.  A narcissistic mother might display traits like a lack of empathy, a constant need for admiration, and a tendency to belittle or manipulate her children. She may also neglect her child’s needs, be overly controlling or critical, and use guilt or conditional love to maintain control. These traits can negatively affect a child’s self-esteem and emotional development.
 
You may feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her and provide her with the attention she demands as to not shatter her fragile self-esteem. As a result, you might suffer from low self-worth, experience trust issues, and feel guilt and shame due to your mother’s constant criticism and emotional instability. These are all potential signs of having grown up with a narcissistic mother. Your mother might have just a few narcissistic traits or an entire narcissistic personality. The level of abuse and manipulation increases with the level of narcissism – although that is not to say that a mother who “only” has a few narcissistic traits cannot cause significant damage and pain. Research into the effects of having a narcissistic mother has shown that labeling her behavior and understanding her tendencies is an important part of the healing journey.
Therefore, the first question you must ask yourself: is my mother a narcissist?

The Vulnerable Narcissistic Mother
Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose sense of self, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Stephanie Kriesberg, PsyD, author of Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, describes a specific type of narcissistic mother who displays characteristics of both narcissism and vulnerability – the vulnerable narcissist. Because they are introverts, vulnerable narcissists often present as shy or constrained; their narcissistic behavior can be difficult to identify as it is covert. But at their core, they are self-absorbed, entitled, and antagonistic. While traditional narcissists often present as grandiose and entitled, vulnerable narcissists tend to exhibit feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and victimhood alongside their narcissistic tendencies.
Both overt (grandiose) and covert (vulnerable) narcissism can be detrimental to any relationship, including the relationship between a mother and her child. It can be painful and overwhelming to acknowledge your mother is narcissistic, especially if she is a vulnerable narcissist. But, recognizing and accepting this fact is the first step toward recovery. Once you gain a better understanding of narcissistic behavior, you can finally stop blaming yourself, establish and maintain boundaries, and work towards healing. 
So, how can you identify whether your mother is a narcissist?  The following is a list of behaviors that could indicate a narcissistic personality:

Controlling
Pathological narcissism is characterized by an excessive need to control others. In a parent-child relationship, this can take on different forms. Your mother might control your activities, hobbies, and friends. She might have certain expectations of how you should behave, dress, or speak. 
 
Her parenting style might be authoritarian, inducing fear and undermining your ability to explore the world freely. She may disregard your boundaries, invade your privacy, or fail to respect your individuality.
Control can also be exercised through manipulation. Manipulation tactics often used by narcissists include guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or playing the victim. 
The following are first-hand experiences of people who took part in a qualitative study on growing up as the child of a narcissistic mother:

• “All the things that I would have liked had to be put aside (e.g., reading) only fulfilling the set duties was allowed, and even that I was told I always did badly.”
• “When I put on clothes, I had to take them off because my mother said they are of ugly color and I should wear something she had chosen, usually blue clothes. I hated blue for a long time.”

​Attention-Seeking
A narcissistic mother will constantly seek attention, praise, and validation from others, including her children. She might be flamboyant, loud, and dramatic in an attempt to make every conversation and situation about her. However, despite projecting a confident and superior image, narcissists often have fragile self-esteem that can be easily wounded. Therefore, your mother might become upset or dismissive of you if she doesn’t receive the desired admiration. In her eyes, she is more interesting, attractive, and intelligent than everybody else — including her children — and therefore feels entitled to the unconditional positive regard and attention of others.

Belittling, Uninterested, And Devaluing
Children of narcissistic mothers report that they often feel unsupported, underappreciated, and disregarded. 
They never feel good enough. If they do not meet their mother’s expectations or fulfill her needs, she withdraws affection. Narcissistic mothers will frequently criticize and belittle their children, often focusing on their perceived flaws or failures. She may be overly critical of her child’s appearance, asking them to wear more make-up, change clothes, or lose weight. Here are some other examples from the qualitative study noted above:

• “Somehow my mother sensed my weaknesses and insecurity. Once I made the mistake and told her joyfully about my first salary as an entrepreneur, her response was that ‘you must have hoaxed people.’ With these words, she nullified all my work.”
• “She despised, scolded, and never complimented me about anything. I would have done well at school but when nothing was enough, I gave up.”
• “I liked singing a lot. Like a child, I told my mom and dad that I will be a singer when adult. Mother said that I do not need to even consider that kind of a lousy job. 
• ‘It is not a profession. Better to quit singing once and for all.’ I remember how I was crying for many days and decided that I will not sing ever again. My music teachers tried very hard to get me in the choir.”

Argumentative And Aggressive
At their core, narcissists are aggressive and antagonistic. They are full of hate, enjoy conflict, and are quick to anger. Narcissistic mothers, specifically, might explode into fits of rage if they feel their superiority and dominance have been challenged. Or, they might act passive-aggressively by making snide comments or giving you the silent treatment. They might even start arguments just to provoke you. For example:

• “Expressing my own opinion was arguing. All in all, she would always create arguments that she would win. It is not possible to cope with that kind of an argument. 
• But the narcissist twists and turns the situation/things so that no one eventually knows what it was about, and the narcissist has to always win.”

 
Degrading
In order for a narcissistic person to maintain their strong sense of entitlement and sense of control, they might undermine, devalue, or criticize others, especially in public. A narcissistic mother may even view her children as competition and feel threatened by their achievements or independence. As a result, she may try to undermine their success. For example, a narcissistic mother might share embarrassing or upsetting stories or insult you in front of others:

• “I remember how much I shamed and ran away when we had guests because my mother always used to scold me and say that I am lazy.”

Blaming
Narcissistic mothers do not take responsibility for their own mistakes or wrongdoings. They believe they are perfect, but hold their children to impossibly high standards, finding fault in everything they do. Narcissistic mothers can turn the tables skillfully, deflecting blame onto others, including their children. Here are some examples from the qualitative study:

• “My mother was a master of finding someone to blame afterwards. Even showers of rain were my dad’s fault sometimes. She herself had no flaws.”
• “My mother was blaming me for everything although I would have needed someone to defend me many times, for example, when at school.”
• “She would develop an argument about anything, twisted it to her benefit by blaming others what she had done or said, even if it was about her own child. I still do not know when she is telling the truth.”

Manipulative
Narcissists are masters of manipulation. They will manipulate the people around them for attention, admiration, and control. A narcissistic mother might manipulate her children through gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or stonewalling (using the silent treatment). 

Children of narcissistic mothers often experience a specific form of emotional manipulation known as gaslighting. Gaslighting is a tactic used by individuals to make someone question their own perceptions, memories, and sanity. The ultimate goal of gaslighting is to gain power and control over the victim by undermining their confidence, self-esteem, and ability to trust their own perceptions. As a result, children of narcissistic mothers often feel confused, inferior, and as if they are ‘crazy.’ They may be made to doubt their own feelings, memories, or perceptions of reality.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that can have long-lasting effects on children’s mental well-being, self-esteem, and behavior. Gaslighting techniques can include telling the child that their feelings are “wrong” (e.g. “there is no need to cry/ be upset”) or that they are imagining things (e.g., “that is not what happened”). 

• Some of the feelings that arise when being gaslit are that there is something wrong with you, that you in fact are crazy, a sense of just self-doubt, that you’re lesser than, that there’s something wrong with your feelings. Stephanie Kriesberg, PhD, author of Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, 

Narcissistic mothers might even manipulate their children against their father, telling them lies about him or making them choose between them.
For example:

• “My mother manipulated us to hate our dad by telling daily how repulsive he is. I remember once when my dad had gotten a big stick in his toe when building our terrace and he could not get it off. He asked everyone in turn to help, first my mom, my siblings, and me. My mother sharply said that ‘you are not going to help him, are you.’”
• “She had to scapegoat me and my dad so that no one would spend time with us but just with my mother. If I talked to my dad, he would suffer.”

Isolating
Narcissistic mothers will often treat their children like extensions of themselves rather than as separate individuals. These children are made to feel responsible for their mother’s well-being and guilty for wanting to spend time with friends or pursue their hobbies. 
Narcissistic mothers can be possessive and isolating because they do not want to compete with others for their children’s attention. They might control friendships or sabotage romantic relationships to avoid rivalry and exert control over their child. Here are examples from a qualitative study:

• “My mother needed someone to accompany her at home. She made me to be her accomplice with whatever reason. I hated those moments but my mother happily thinks back on them.”
• “I was not allowed to have opinions or friends; in other words, I was missing support from my peers.”
• “I was never allowed to invite my best friends to my birthday party or even to visit me. On the other hand, I could never go visit them, not even attend their birthday parties.”
• “My mother broke all my friendships, called to my friends and boyfriends and their parents, isolated me from my friends and made me stay at our cabin as her company when I was about 20.”

Unpredictable And Inconsistent
Narcissists can be emotionally volatile, quickly switching between emotional highs and extreme lows (rage).
This instability can create an unstable and unpredictable environment for children.
Sometimes they might be loving and affectionate, and at other times abusive and callous. Here is an example from a qualitative study:

• “You deal with a narcissist quite differently than with normal people. You always have to be alert with them because they are unpredictable. In order to survive, you have to shrink yourself when near a narcissist.”

Envious And Competitive
Narcissists are usually jealous of other people, although they may hide this by criticizing and belittling them instead. A narcissistic mother may feel threatened by her children’s achievements or independence. You may feel like you have to hide your achievements or make yourself small so as not to upset your mother. She may even become envious and attempt to undermine your success or overshadow your accomplishments.
If you tell her about something positive you did or a compliment you received, she might dismiss it, call you arrogant, or remind you of your shortcomings. Here are some examples:

• “I could not tell my mom about any good events in my life: she would call you the next time crying how she has been awake all night long because she does not have anything nice and fun. You always have to be on your toes with mother. You can never reply to her honestly.”
• “In her images, she hoped to be equally rich and successful as our neighbors but to us she would scold and despise them emphasizing that they had not deserved their wealth.”

Puts On A Façade
In front of other people, a narcissistic mother might be charming, affectionate, funny, and extraverted. She can be skilled at creating a façade, making people believe she is a loving and supportive mom. However, you likely experience an entirely different side of her that other people may struggle to believe. For example:

• “Plenty of relatives visited us on all possible holidays. It was like theater. Mother was radiant and hustling. And after the guests had left, mother and father started arguing. Christmases were the worst.”
• “My parents were respected and trusted in their work. Therefore, no one could imagine what kind of nightmare my life was as their only daughter. My mother can skillfully describe herself as a wonderful person who gives her all.”
• “Once when I was a teenager, about 13-14 years old, I was courageous enough to go to talk to school nurse about my mother. I had one-month-long detention at home after that. 
• The nurse had called my mom, my mom was yelling that I had ruined her reputation. She does not dare to go to work because her daughter is telling lies.”

Physically Abusive And Violent
Narcissism is associated with higher levels of aggression. As a result, many children of narcissistic mothers are subject to physical abuse. They might hit, slap, or kick their child, even for minor offenses, because of their unpredictable mood swings. Narcissists are always looking for other people to blame, so they might take out their anger on their children even when they have done nothing wrong. Here are some examples from a qualitative study:

• “My mother really hit us with a stick and hand without any reason. When I was already in high school, she put me on the floor and started kicking.”
• “Physical punishment was allowed when she was raising us children. The bigger we grew, the harder the punishing methods were. 
• She got easily angry about the smallest things, even if it had been an accident such as dropping glass on the floor or having a stain in your shirt.”

Verbally Abusive 
Children of narcissistic mothers often live in fear of being chastised, punished, and disciplined. When narcissists feel they are losing control or that their ego has been bruised, they feel entitled to abuse others. 
Narcissistic mothers tend to have short tempers, exploding into rages and threatening their children with violence, abandonment, or punishment. These children often feel responsible for their mother’s mood and learn to be cautious of their words and behavior. For example:

• “I learned the feature that would extensively limit and make my later life difficult, not to ask for guidance or help. My mother would often reply ‘Are you not able to do even that even though you went to school?’”
• “Everyone was afraid of my mother. My classmates or other friends never visited us. My mother would yell and swear and was almost always angry. I was alert all the time. I could never know what would happen next.”
• “I always had to prove her how irreplaceable mother and spouse she was. By constantly assuring her how perfect she is I tried to keep her in a good mood.”
• “I could never feel relaxed at home because I could never know what would make my mother angry. I remember crying in a shower with my sister and discussing if it would be better just to commit suicide. My mother overheard us and laughed at us: ‘Well just do it!’”

It’s important to remember that the presence of these signs does not automatically mean someone is a narcissistic mother. A professional evaluation by a mental health expert is necessary to make a definitive diagnosis.
 
Should I Cut Off My Narcissistic Mother
In some people’s experience, cutting off their narcissistic mothers was the only way they could recover and live healthier and happier lives. However, for many people, the thought of cutting ties with their mother is unbearable, which is understandable. It is nonetheless important that you find a way to navigate these challenges, so you can enjoy better mental health and well-being. 

Dealing With A Narcissistic Mother
By Anna Drescher
Updated on January 23, 2024
Reviewed by Saul McLeod, PhD & Julia Simkus

Dealing with narcissists in general is difficult, but when that narcissist is your mother, there is an extra layer of confusion and pain. Children naturally look up to their parents as role models, so they struggle to understand when they are mistreated. Children often internalize the mistreatment they receive as their own fault. This can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and a distorted sense of self-worth
 
When the child of a narcissist enters adulthood, the relationship between parent and child often becomes a complex web of abuse, affection, co-dependency, and manipulation. As an adult, you may have considered cutting ties with your mother to protect your mental and emotional well-being. But, you might think it’s “wrong” or “unfair” to distance yourself from her. 
 
You may feel indebted to her because she birthed and nurtured you. She may tell you that she “gave up so much for you” or that she is “the only person who really knows and understands you.” Unfortunately, narcissistic parents often manipulate their children’s emotions and use guilt as a way to maintain control over them and ensure their sources of narcissistic supply stay in place.

Narcissists generally have very low motivation to change, so you need to accept that you may not be able to change your mother or make her understand your perspective. This can be painful, but accepting this reality can help you focus on your growth and happiness. You must learn to establish a sense of self that is separate from your mother’s and let go of the need for her approval. You can do a lot of this work on your own, but it is often helpful to get the support of a mental health professional.

• “Find someone that you really trust to share your parts of your story with because then you’ll start to feel understood and that is really the gateway to starting to change your life. I think education is the most important thing to start off with as knowledge is power. The more you know, the better you’ll start to feel.” Stephanie Kriesberg, PsyD, author of Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

 
Establishing Boundaries
Typically, the best way to deal with narcissists is to not engage with them at all. However, this advice is not always possible in a parent-child relationship. Nevertheless, to protect and rebuild your mental health and self-esteem, you must learn how to establish clear boundaries and communicate them assertively to your mother.

Building boundaries is not always easy as it can cause a lot of anxiety and guilt. As such, it might be helpful to work on boundary setting with a therapist. Make sure that you start small and remember that this process will take time and patience. Be firm about what you will and will not tolerate. Describe what you want, what you do not want, where your responsibilities lie, and where they end. Boundaries can make you feel safe, give you a sense of self-worth, and protect you from further manipulation and abuse. Here is some advice on how to establish your boundaries:

• Identify your boundaries: What behaviors and interactions are unacceptable or harmful to you? What are your values? What do you need to feel safe and respected?
• Putting everyone else’s opinions and needs aside, what do YOU need from the relationship?
• Examine your relationship with your mother: What are the unhealthy aspects of your relationship with her?
• In your view, what does it mean to be a healthy, independent adult?
• Identify and utilize your protective factors, such as supportive relationships, exercise, work, school, mindfulness, problem-solving skills, etc.

Now, think about establishing boundaries with your mother: Do you want a relationship with her? What do you want to share and not share with her? What are your limits?

Implementing Boundaries
When you have established your boundaries, you can start to implement them. It might feel uncomfortable at first and you may feel a sense guilty or shame. That’s why it is important to start small and work your way up. For example, you could start by practicing a self-care routine. Taking care of yourself will help you maintain the strength to implement and enforce your boundaries. When you are ready, communicate a boundary to your mother. When communicating your boundaries, be clear, direct, and assertive.  Deliver it in a non-confrontational by avoiding accusatory language, as this may lead to defensiveness or escalation. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, such as “I feel hurt when you criticize me constantly. I need you to respect my choices and not belittle me.” Remember that you do not need to justify yourself. Your mother may have birthed and raised you, but you have the right to set boundaries and prioritize your well-being.
 
Your mother will likely rebel, resisting or ignoring your boundaries. She may even become angry, defensive, or attempt to manipulate you. Stay true to your boundaries and seek support from others who understand your situation. If you said you will not share details of your love life with her, and she keeps pressing for information, remind her of your boundaries. Try not to react to her tantrums and manipulation. Remember that setting and enforcing boundaries takes time and practice. Be compassionate with yourself as you navigate this process. You deserve to have your boundaries respected and your well-being prioritized.

How Do You Emotionally Detach From a Narcissistic Mother?Emotionally detaching from your mother can be complex and challenging because of the intrinsic closeness between a parent and child. This process can take time and patience. You may want to consider working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse and family dynamics. Whether you are navigating this process alone or with a mental health professional, here are some points to consider:

• Learn about narcissism and the traits and behaviors associated with it as a way to understand the effects it has on both you and your mother. 
• Acknowledge and validate your own feelings and experiences. Give yourself compassion to feel anger, sadness, or frustration towards your mother. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the mother-daughter relationship you may have desired but never had.
• Learn to put yourself first. Prioritize your own well-being and healing. Engage in activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and fulfillment. Focus on nurturing yourself and developing a strong sense of self outside of your mother’s influence.
• Understand that you may feel a sense of loss – the loss of childhood, the loss of a close relationship with your mother, and the loss of being able to trust others. 
• Practice compassion and forgiveness. Holding onto anger will only burden you and cause you mental and physical pain. Forgiveness can help bring some peace of mind.
• Let go of people-pleasing and approval-seeking.
• Take responsibility for your psychological development. Redirect your energy towards personal growth and healing. Engaging in self-reflection can help you gain insight into your own needs, triggers, and patterns of interaction. 
• Find compassion for your inner child. Have a conversation with your child-self and try to soothe and comfort them. Be the caring and supportive adult you never had growing up.

 
What Others Have SaidThe following are quotes from participants with narcissistic mothers who took part in qualitative research (Lyons et al., 2023 & Määttä et al., 2020). These participants share what helped them recover and how they have learned to cope:

• “The actual change toward better life started to happen when I moved away from my home place, to over 900 km away to study.” 
• ”I have not visited my birth place in almost ten years which has helped me to create a healthy self-image and self-esteem.”
• ”My mother is now 90 years old and now, little by little I dare to break with her totally. I am tired of being taunted, nullified, bullied. A few people have called me after this solution asking why I am so awful to my mother.”
•  “The current situation is that I am still in contact with my mother but I am matter-of-fact and do not tell her anything about me anymore. It works somehow but I still feel bad inside. I hope that get rid of this distress when she is gone.”
• “I do still notice myself looking for ‘mom’; mother’s love, mother’s attention etc. Nowadays, I recognize that and am conscious about it. Still 20 years ago, I did not. Now she does not fool me anymore, we are not fighting anymore, which makes her perplexed.”
• “It was until this winter that I found my way to the peer support group for the victims of narcissists. It is time shake off the childhood and youth dreadfulness. I do not want these things to follow me in the grave.”
• “It has been important to move on to my own life and strengthen my own dreams. In my life, I can make solutions and changes. Also, helping other people in the same situation is rewarding. My childhood experiences help me understand others. Providing experiences of joy, justice, and caring to other victims of narcissists give me energy.”
• “Nature and nearby woods offered me a safe place to be. I used to play in the woods often alone. I thrived smelling the woods only because nothing in there intimidated or blamed me.”
• “Nature provided me joy and strength when I was a child. When I felt really bad and wanted to cry, I went to forest by myself and ’charged’ for a while. The nature would heal and make me whole, and would return with new strength and I could tolerate my life again.”
• “After finding the illness called narcissism, I have been able to be stronger in front of my mother.”
• “Only about at the age of 40, I realized that my mother is a narcissist. It was a huge relief to get a name to this sickness.”
• “Upon therapy and further analysis, I came to realise that I associate family with entrapment, living to serve others, not pursuing your dreams, depression… Marriage and family mean prison, and all the negative emotions that go with that”
• “…I realised that it is ridiculous to convince others that my childhood abuse and resulting PTSD is not that bad… Because it was that bad, it wasn’t my fault, and my narcissistic family does not define me”
• “I had an epiphany when I realised that I wasn’t just worthy of love, but I was a goddamn catch! I was nice, cute, enthusiastic in bed, smart, loyal, good cook, and financially independent. I could and should be picky. I should find someone worthy of me”