Understanding and Owning Your Reality
The core to healing from an emotional injury is getting clear on your reality and learning to separate facts from fear-driven narratives, especially in emotionally charged moments. This is a key part of Vicki Tidwell Palmer’s Step 1: Knowing and Owning Your Reality and closely linked with Brené Brown’s "The story I’m telling myself" practice.
"The story I’m telling myself " is a powerful self-awareness and communication tool. It helps people recognize when they're filling in emotional or relational gaps with assumptions — usually negative or fear-based ones — and to create space for curiosity, clarity, and connection instead of defensiveness or disconnection.
You will learn how to:
What Does "The Story I’m Telling Myself" Mean?
It's a way of saying:
“This is the narrative I’m telling myself based on what I think or feel about what happened — but I know it may not be the full truth.”
✅ The brain hates incomplete stories. It will always fill in the blanks with fear or shame if it can.”
Pause and Name the Situation
Instead of reacting automatically, slow down and name what happened — just the facts.
What happened?
“My partner came home two hours later than he said he would.”
“She didn’t answer my texts for half the day.”
✅ This creates separation between the event itself and the story or interpretation you might layer on top of it.
When something painful or confusing happens (e.g., your partner ignores your text), your brain often invents a story — like: “He’s ignoring me because I’m not important to him.”
That’s not a fact — it’s a story fueled by past wounds, fear, or shame.
The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our worth. This could be:
Check for Trauma Activation
Example:
“When I didn’t get a reply, I felt sick — but what I was really responding to was how I used to discover his secrets through silence.”
Name "The Story I’m Telling Myself"
Instead of accusing or withdrawing, you might say:
“The story I’m telling myself is…”
Think of (even write) out the following:
Reality Testing (What Else Could Be True?)
You don’t invalidate your fear — you widen the lens. Ask:
✅ This doesn't excuse harm — it creates space between assumption and reality so you can choose your next step wisely.
How It’s Used in Relationships
✅ This approach fosters empathy, humility, and courage — instead of blame or avoidance.
Example in Practice:
Old way:
“You didn’t call me back because you’re selfish and don’t care about me.”
New way:
“The story I’m making up is that you didn’t call because I’m not a priority to you. Can you help me understand?”
Reclaim Your Power (Clarify Your Needs)
Based on what you’ve discovered:
How "The Story I’m Telling Myself" Impacts You
"The story I’m telling myself " is a powerful self-awareness and communication tool. It helps people recognize when they're filling in emotional or relational gaps with assumptions — usually negative or fear-based ones — and to create space for curiosity, clarity, and connection instead of defensiveness or disconnection.
You will learn how to:
- Pause before reacting emotionally
- Identify assumptions or insecurities you’re projecting
- Create space to check reality and ask questions rather than blame or withdraw
What Does "The Story I’m Telling Myself" Mean?
It's a way of saying:
“This is the narrative I’m telling myself based on what I think or feel about what happened — but I know it may not be the full truth.”
✅ The brain hates incomplete stories. It will always fill in the blanks with fear or shame if it can.”
Pause and Name the Situation
Instead of reacting automatically, slow down and name what happened — just the facts.
What happened?
“My partner came home two hours later than he said he would.”
“She didn’t answer my texts for half the day.”
✅ This creates separation between the event itself and the story or interpretation you might layer on top of it.
When something painful or confusing happens (e.g., your partner ignores your text), your brain often invents a story — like: “He’s ignoring me because I’m not important to him.”
That’s not a fact — it’s a story fueled by past wounds, fear, or shame.
The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our worth. This could be:
- “I’m too needy.”
- “I’m always the one who messes up.”
- “They don’t really love me.”
Check for Trauma Activation
- Is my response proportional to the current situation?
- Am I in a “now moment,” or is this activating a “then moment” (past betrayal, abandonment, being lied to)?
- Is my body in fight/flight/freeze?
Example:
“When I didn’t get a reply, I felt sick — but what I was really responding to was how I used to discover his secrets through silence.”
Name "The Story I’m Telling Myself"
Instead of accusing or withdrawing, you might say:
“The story I’m telling myself is…”
- “He’s lying again and I’m about to get betrayed all over again.”
- “She doesn’t care about my pain and is avoiding me on purpose.”
- “You didn’t want to be with me tonight.”
Think of (even write) out the following:
- “The story I’m making up is…”
- “My emotions: ______”
- “My body: ______”
- “My thinking: ______”
- “My beliefs: ______”
Reality Testing (What Else Could Be True?)
You don’t invalidate your fear — you widen the lens. Ask:
- What else might be going on here?
- Is there a benign explanation that still honors my need for truth?
✅ This doesn't excuse harm — it creates space between assumption and reality so you can choose your next step wisely.
- Opens the door to a clarifying conversation
- Softens defensiveness
- Allows the other person to correct the misunderstanding or affirm your fear
How It’s Used in Relationships
- Personal awareness: “Why am I spiraling? What’s the story I’m telling myself?”
- Communication: “The story I’m making up is... Can we talk about that?”
✅ This approach fosters empathy, humility, and courage — instead of blame or avoidance.
Example in Practice:
Old way:
“You didn’t call me back because you’re selfish and don’t care about me.”
New way:
“The story I’m making up is that you didn’t call because I’m not a priority to you. Can you help me understand?”
Reclaim Your Power (Clarify Your Needs)
Based on what you’ve discovered:
- What do I actually need right now?
- What boundary or communication will restore safety for me?
How "The Story I’m Telling Myself" Impacts You
|
When You Believe the Story Without Question
React with anger, accusation, or shutdown Feel powerless and emotionally flooded Reinforce trauma-driven beliefs (e.g., “I’m not worth the truth”) Push your partner into defensiveness or withdrawal |
When You Name the Story and Get Curious
Respond with clarity and self-trust Feel grounded and aware of your options Open space for real dialogue and repair Invite collaboration and accountability |
Bottom Line:
“The story I’m making up” is a vulnerable truth-telling shortcut that helps transform misunderstanding into connection — and blame into curiosity.
You are not wrong for reacting. But you deserve the clarity to know what you’re actually responding to — so you can protect yourself and create possibility.
“The story I’m making up” is a vulnerable truth-telling shortcut that helps transform misunderstanding into connection — and blame into curiosity.
You are not wrong for reacting. But you deserve the clarity to know what you’re actually responding to — so you can protect yourself and create possibility.