Use of Polygraph in Betrayal Recovery

It is very common in recovering from betrayal for a therapist to facilitate a well thought out disclosure of various aspects of the betrayal. The betrayer is guided through a truth telling process, which usually includes questions from the betrayed partner. The details of the betrayal and the answers to the questions are then written up in a document that is presented to the betrayed partner, facilitated by a therapist. Since sexual betrayal is a serious breaking of trust, a betrayed partner might request a polygraph for a variety of reasons, often rooted in a desire for reassurance, truth, and clarity following the profound emotional impact of infidelity. If you read about polygraphs online, you will notice a debate between mental health professionals about the use of polygraph examinations. Below is a detailed analysis of the pros and cons to help evaluate its appropriateness.

Why a Betrayed Partner Might Request a Polygraph

• To Confirm the Truth: After discovering infidelity, the betrayed partner may doubt the honesty of the unfaithful partner. A polygraph can seem like a way to confirm or refute their statements.
• To Rebuild Trust: Knowing that the unfaithful partner passed a polygraph might provide reassurance and a foundation for rebuilding trust.
• To Resolve Lingering Doubts: If the betrayed partner suspects there are undisclosed details, a polygraph might be seen as a tool to uncover hidden truths.
• To Hold the Betrayer Accountable: The request can act as a symbolic gesture, demonstrating the need for transparency and honesty moving forward.
• Emotional Validation: The betrayed partner may feel gaslit or manipulated and want external confirmation of their suspicions or beliefs.

Is It a Good Idea?

• Potential Benefits
  • Provides Reassurance: A passed polygraph can help the betrayed partner feel more secure that they now have the full story.
  • Encourages Accountability: The unfaithful partner agreeing to a polygraph can demonstrate a commitment to honesty and rebuilding the relationship.
  • Supports Trust Rebuilding: For some couples, the polygraph serves as a turning point, reducing suspicion and fostering a sense of closure.
  • Neutral Framework: A polygraph offers a seemingly objective way to address issues, reducing reliance on emotional arguments.

• Potential Risks
  • Polygraphs Are Not Perfect: False positives or negatives can occur, leading to misplaced trust or unfair accusations.
    • It is important for this process to be facilitated by a therapist trained in helping couples recover from betrayal trauma and a polygraph examiner who is skilled using a polygraph for betrayal. When this is in place, most of the time the betrayer will pass the polygraph. If they fail it usually leads to an admission that something was intentionally left out. False outcomes are rare.
  • Emotional Harm: The request for a polygraph might feel accusatory or humiliating, exacerbating feelings of shame, defensiveness, or resentment in the unfaithful partner. The request for a polygraph following betrayal isn't inherently punitive, but it can feel punishing to the betrayer depending on the circumstances, intent, and emotional dynamics involved. The following feelings need to be addressed with the help of a therapist. These feelings can't turn into justification for not doing what is necessary to rebuild trust.
    • How a Polygraph Request Can Feel Punishing
      • Loss of Autonomy: A demand for a polygraph can feel controlling, as it removes the betrayer’s ability to prove their sincerity on their own terms. This dynamic might feel punishing or adversarial.
        • Immediately after betrayal, the priority is the safety of the betrayed partner. Trust no longer exists. So the betrayer needs to honor what the partner needs to rebuild trust.
      • Perceived Lack of Forgiveness: For the betrayer, a polygraph might feel like a symbol that the betrayed partner cannot move forward or forgive them, reinforcing feelings of failure or hopelessness. 
        • Forgiveness is earned by rebuilding trust and it takes time to do that. 
      • Shame and Humiliation: Being asked to take a polygraph may evoke feelings of guilt, shame, or humiliation, as it forces the betrayer to confront their actions and their partner’s ongoing pain in a highly structured and judgmental context.
        • Shame is a natural response to being caught keeping secrets, but it can't get in the way of telling the truth or there will be no way to reconcile. 
      • Emotional Pressure: The process of preparing for and undergoing a polygraph can be stressful and anxiety-inducing, even for someone telling the truth. This stress might be interpreted as punitive or coercive. 
        • It is very scary to admit to something that could end the relationship, but what is the alternative? If the truth is not told and trusted, the relationship will most likely end at some point anyway.
      • Implied Distrust: The request for a polygraph can signal to the betrayer that their words are insufficient and that they are still viewed as untrustworthy. This may feel like a rejection of their efforts to rebuild trust, especially if they’ve been transparent since the betrayal. 
        • The disclosure and polygraph happen as soon as possible after the discover of the betrayal. There has not been enough time to provide evidence that the betrayer is trustworthy. Their words are insufficient. 
    • Why a Betrayed Partner Might Not See It as Punishing
      • Seeking Reassurance: The betrayed partner may view the polygraph as a necessary step to verify the truth, reduce anxiety, and establish a foundation for rebuilding trust—not as a means of punishment 
      • Desire for Clarity: The partner may feel overwhelmed by doubt or conflicting information and see the polygraph as a neutral, fact-finding tool to settle questions about the betrayal.
      • Emotional Safety: The betrayed partner may feel that the polygraph provides a sense of security, helping them make informed decisions about the relationship.
      • Accountability: A polygraph might be viewed as a way to hold the betrayer accountable for past actions, ensuring honesty moving forward.
  • Short-Term Solution: Even if the polygraph provides reassurance, it doesn’t address deeper relational issues like broken trust, poor communication, or emotional disconnection.
    • A polygraph is not meant to address the deeper relationship issues. It is first step to getting clarity of the truth of what happened.
  • Focus on the Past: A polygraph emphasizes past actions rather than fostering the forward-looking work needed for healing.
    • It is virtually impossible to move forward unless the betrayed partner believes the betrayer is telling the truth. The betrayal has made the betrayer untrustworthy.
  • Power Imbalance: The demand for a polygraph can create an uneven dynamic, where one partner assumes a position of authority, potentially harming the collaborative process of rebuilding trust.
    • The betrayer created a power imbalance by keeping sexual secrets and causing the partner to feel powerless. In the early stages of recovery there is a new power imbalance that is perfectly appropriate. The partner has the power to determine what is needed to be able to trust the betrayer again and feel safe. The only role of the betrayer is to do everything possible to rebuild trust.
  • Emotional Fallout: If the unfaithful partner fails the polygraph, it can lead to further devastation, making reconciliation even harder.
    • Outside of a rare false positive (a polygraph indicates that a person is being deceptive (lying) when they are actually being truthful), when the betrayer doesn't pass it means they are not telling the truth and it would be expected that the betrayed partner would be devastated. They would have the expectation that the disclosure was truthful. This is not a reason to avoid a polygraph. It should be motivation for the betrayer to tell the truth, as scary as that may be.

Are Polygraphs Reliable?

Polygraphs, often called "lie detectors," measure physiological responses (heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, and skin conductivity) to determine whether someone is being deceptive. However, they are not foolproof. 

• Reliability of Polygraphs
  • Accuracy Rate: Polygraphs are generally estimated to be about 70-90% accurate, depending on the examiner’s skill and the conditions of the test. They are better at identifying truthful responses than lies.
  • False Positives and Negatives:
    • False Positives: Honest people can fail due to stress or anxiety unrelated to lying.
    • False Negatives: Skilled liars, individuals with certain psychological traits (e.g., sociopathy), or those using countermeasures may "beat" the test.
  • Not Admissible in Court: In many jurisdictions, polygraph results are not accepted as evidence in court because of their unreliability and the potential for misuse.
  • Subjectivity: The interpretation of results depends on the examiner, making it susceptible to human error and bias. 
• How Polygraphs Work
  • Polygraphs record physiological responses to a series of questions, based on the assumption that lying induces stress, which triggers measurable changes in the body. The test typically includes three types of questions:
    • Baseline Questions: Neutral or general questions to establish a baseline for physiological responses (e.g., "Is your name John?").
    • Control Questions: Questions unrelated to the issue but designed to provoke a reaction (e.g., "Have you ever lied to a loved one?"). These are used to compare with the physiological response to relevant questions.
    • Relevant Questions: Directly related to the issue being investigated (e.g., "Did you take the missing money?"). 
  • The examiner compares the subject's responses to the control and relevant questions to assess deception.
• Appropriate and Inappropriate Questions
  • When conducting a polygraph test, the types of questions asked are crucial to its effectiveness and ethical application. 
  • Appropriate Questions
    • Specific and Clear: Questions should be direct and focused on facts (e.g., "Did you meet this person on [specific date]?").
    • Relevant to the Investigation: They must pertain directly to the issue at hand (e.g., "Did you have physical contact with this individual?").
    • Answerable with Yes or No: Polygraphs rely on clear, binary responses to minimize ambiguity.
    • Non-Incriminating Baseline Questions: These establish physiological norms for comparison without emotional triggers (e.g., "Were you born in [specific year]?").
  • Inappropriate Questions
    • Overly Broad or Vague: Questions like "Have you ever lied in your life?" are too general to yield meaningful results.
    • Emotionally Charged: Questions that provoke unrelated emotional reactions (e.g., "Do you love your partner?") can skew results.
    • Hypothetical or Speculative: Polygraphs cannot assess intentions or hypothetical scenarios (e.g., "Would you betray your partner in the future?").
    • Intrusive or Irrelevant: Questions that invade privacy or are unrelated to the issue being addressed (e.g., "How many partners have you had?").
    • Ambiguous or Multi-Part: Complex questions (e.g., "Did you lie, or were you mistaken?") confuse the subject and lead to unreliable results.
• Factors that Affect Polygraph Accuracy
  • Emotional State: Anxiety, fear, or nervousness can mimic deception responses.
  • Health Conditions: Medical issues (e.g., heart conditions, medication, or mental health disorders) may influence physiological responses.
  • Countermeasures: Techniques such as controlled breathing, muscle tensing, or mental distraction can alter results.
  • Examiner Bias: The skill, experience, and objectivity of the examiner significantly affect the outcome.

Polygraph Before or After Disclosure?

Deciding whether a polygraph should be administered before or after the formal disclosure of infidelity in a therapy session depends on the specific goals of the couple and the therapeutic process. Both approaches have pros and cons, and the decision should prioritize the emotional well-being of both partners and the overall healing process.

Before Formal Disclosure

Pros:

• Verification of Disclosure: The betrayed partner may feel more confident that the information disclosed during therapy is truthful if the polygraph is done beforehand. 
• Encourages Full Honesty: Knowing a polygraph will occur beforehand might motivate the unfaithful partner to be more transparent during the disclosure.
• Prepares the Betrayed Partner: A polygraph before disclosure can provide the betrayed partner reassurance that the forthcoming information is accurate, reducing doubt and suspicion.

Cons:

• Premature Emotional Impact: Conducting the polygraph first may overwhelm both partners before the disclosure session, leading to heightened emotions and reduced focus on the healing process.
• Distracts from Therapeutic Goals: Focusing on "passing the test" before formal disclosure may detract from the therapeutic purpose of creating a safe space for open communication.
• Incomplete Context: Without the full story revealed, the questions asked during the polygraph may lack necessary context, potentially making the test less useful. It also does not address questions that may come up in the disclosure.

After Formal Disclosure

Pros:

• Validation of the Full Disclosure: The polygraph can serve as a verification tool to confirm the accuracy of the unfaithful partner’s statements after they’ve been shared in the safe environment of therapy. 
• Therapeutic Context Established: The disclosure session sets the stage for understanding the betrayal, fostering empathy, and preparing both partners emotionally, which might make the polygraph results more meaningful.
• ​Focus on Honesty: With the disclosure complete, including any additional questions from the betrayed partner, the polygraph can specifically verify whether the unfaithful partner has withheld any details or lied.​

Cons:

• Trust May Already Be Damaged Further: If the betrayed partner doubts the disclosure during therapy, it may strain trust further until the polygraph confirms its accuracy.
• Prolongs Emotional Uncertainty: Waiting until after the disclosure can extend the period of doubt for the betrayed partner, delaying potential reassurance.
• Risk of Additional Betrayal: If the polygraph reveals deception after disclosure, the betrayal may feel compounded, making trust rebuilding even harder.

Factors to Consider When Deciding Timing

• Emotional Readiness: Are both partners emotionally prepared for the potential results of the polygraph? Timing it correctly can minimize emotional harm.
• Therapeutic Guidance: A skilled therapist can help determine the best timing, considering the couple’s dynamics and specific needs.
• Purpose of the Polygraph: Is the polygraph intended to ensure honesty during the disclosure or to validate the disclosure afterward?
• The Complexity of the Infidelity: If the betrayal is complex (e.g., involving long-term deception or multiple incidents), the timing of the polygraph might be adjusted for clarity and context.

General Recommendations

• Therapeutic support is essential. The polygraph process should always occur within the context of a therapeutic framework to minimize harm and foster constructive dialogue.
• Ultimately, whether the polygraph is done before or after the formal disclosure should be a collaborative decision made with input from the couple and their therapist, with a focus on fostering honesty, healing, and emotional safety.​​

https://helpingcouplesheal.com/betrayal-trauma-the-polygraph/

In this episode, Marnie Breeker of Helping Couples Heal, talks to Ryan Angulo, a Los Angeles based Polygrapher. With differing opinions amongst treatment professionals and clients alike about the efficacy of polygraphs in the context of sex addiction and betrayal trauma recovery, traumatized couples are often left confused, frustrated, and uncertain about whether or not to include the polygraph as a part of their disclosure and healing process.  Marnie and Ryan answer the most commonly asked questions and explore the benefits and risks of using the polygraph as a tool to promote relational healing and rebuild trust post sexual betrayal.