REPAIR PROCESS
HURT PARTNER (SPEAKER) |
HURTFUL PARTNER (LISTENER) |
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Focus On One Issue Only
Before you begin, get clear on your main concern. Check your partner’s readiness. Stay on track with this one issue. Describe how you’ve been hurt and what you want. Express Your Feelings & Thoughts Feelings are often complex and can even be contradictory. Go beyond simply expressing one feeling. Look for the vulnerability that may be underneath your initial feeling (sadness, jealousy, hurt, guilt, etc) Avoid Blaming, Accusing or Name Calling Tell your partner how you feel without hurting them or making them feel bad. Risk being vulnerable and give them the opportunity to hear you and repair. |
Seek Understanding
Don’t defend yourself, argue or cross-complain. Develop an interested and curious state of mind. The questions you ask are designed to understand your partner’s experience. Empathize Do your best to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Respond with empathy. Keep making empathic statements until a soothing moment occurs. You can hold onto yourself and still be able to imagine what it’s like for the other person. Recap Repeat back to your partner as accurately and completely as you are able, what you’ve understood. Check it out with your partner to see if it’s complete and accurate. |
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New Agreement
Work with your partner in helping them make a change to stop the hurtful behavior. Goal To tell your partner what they have done to hurt you and how it made you feel. You want them to feel your pain not your anger. |
New Agreement
Commit to stop the hurtful behavior and make an agreement as to how you will do that. Goal To let your partner know that you understand how you caused them pain, own what you did and express regret. Empathize with that pain and apologize boldly. |
This is not the time to figure out why the hurtful behavior happens. That will come later. Stay focused on understanding how the behavior is hurtful and repair
HURT PARTNER (SPEAKER) |
HURTFUL PARTNER (LISTENER) |
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Describe how you have been hurt. Be concise. Say a little and then let your partner respond. If you talk too long they could get overwhelmed and won’t be able to remember what you told them. Stay specific to one issue. Do not let one hurt lead to another hurt. Don’t slip into “never” and “always.” What did your partner do to hurt you and how did it make you feel? Do not tell them why you think they do what they do or assess them. That could lead to defensiveness or a debate as to whether you are right. It will take you off focus of helping them understand your pain to give them the chance to understand and repair.
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Listen actively. What did you hear them say? Repeat it back and reflect back to them how what you did (or didn’t do) made them feel. Check in with them to see how well you did. “Did I get that right? What did I miss?"
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Affirm what they got right and help them understand what they missed. Continue to tell them how it made you feel.
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Try to connect with the pain of your partner. Keep asking questions until it makes sense how your behavior hurt them.
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Continue to help your partner understand.
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When you feel you get it, make a final summary of what you understand your partner to be telling you.
“I hear you say that when I do/did ABC it makes you feel XYZ. Am I getting that right?” “It makes sense to me why you would feel that way when I do that.” |
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If you feel heard and believe they understand, let them know. “Thanks for taking the time to really understand. I feel heard.”
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Hopefully you are able to fully empathize with how your partner feels and you don’t want them to feel that way. Tell them.
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Express regret. Acknowledge that you caused hurt. Repair boldly.
“I’m so sorry that I made you feel this way.” If the hurt caused is the result of a pattern of behavior that has gone on for a while your partner may not trust that you can stop hurting them. You may have apologized before and not made any changes. “I’m so sorry that I have done this to you repeatedly and it has taken so long for me to see the pain I have caused you.” |
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If the apology feels good to you, let them know. Thank them for understanding.
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Check your partner’s face and ask yourself if the apology has landed. Check with your partner.
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If they are not convinced try to be bolder. Move closer to your partner. Make physical contact if appropriate. Dig deep. Say more.
If it still doesn’t fully land, then it may take some time to rebuild trust. Make a commitment to change. What will you do to stop the hurtful behavior?
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If the hurtful behavior comes up again you can let your partner know in a gentle, helpful, loving way that you are hurt. Do not get triggered and become emotionally threatening. Help them help you. You are a team. Agree upon a short phrase (a few words) specific to this issue that will signal your partner that they have hurt you.
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When your partner cues you, you immediately reflect on your behavior, repair the hurt caused, and rewind and try it again. Reflect. Repair. Rewind.
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