REPAIR PROCESS

HURT PARTNER (SPEAKER)

HURTFUL PARTNER (LISTENER)
Focus On One Issue Only
Before you begin, get clear on your main concern.  Check your partner’s readiness. Stay on track with this one issue.  Describe how you’ve been hurt and what you want.
 
Express Your Feelings & Thoughts
Feelings are often complex and can even be contradictory.  Go beyond simply expressing one feeling.  Look for the vulnerability that may be underneath your initial feeling (sadness, jealousy, hurt, guilt, etc)

Avoid Blaming, Accusing or Name Calling
Tell your partner how you feel without hurting them or making them feel bad.  Risk being vulnerable and give them the opportunity to hear you and repair.
​Seek Understanding
Don’t defend yourself, argue, cross-complain, or explain why you did what you did. Be curious. The questions you ask are designed to understand your partner’s experience.

Empathize
Do your best to put yourself in your partner’s shoes.  Respond with empathy.  Keep making empathic statements until a soothing moment occurs.  You can hold onto yourself and still be able to imagine what it’s like for the other person.

Recap
Repeat back to your partner as accurately and completely as you are able, what you’ve understood.  Check it out with your partner to see if it’s complete and accurate.
New Agreement
Work with your partner in helping them make a change to stop the hurtful behavior. 

Goal
To tell your partner what they have done to hurt you and how it made you feel.  You want them to feel your pain not your anger.
New Agreement
Commit to stop the hurtful behavior and make an agreement as to how you will do that.
 
Goal
To let your partner know that you understand how you caused them pain, own what you did and express regret.  Empathize with that pain and apologize boldly.
​When something is bothering me...
  1. I recognize when I am upset but I don't bring up my feelings.
  2. I tend to express judgments, get critical, or lecture my partner, instead of talking  about my feelings.
  3. It's hard for me to be specific. I tend to globalize and stay vague.
  4. I only express feelings when I'm angry, then I blurt them out and blame my partner.
  5. I stop and think about what is bothering me and why, before I talk to my partner about it.
  6. I am able to manage my urgency and ask my partner for a good time to talk about it.
  7. I tell my partner what the problem is and what my feelings are without blaming.
  8. I recognize that my feelings are sometimes difficult to identify, so as I'm talking I keep thinking about what other vulnerable feelings I might be experiencing.
  9. As I recognize that I have other feelings, I am able to honestly reveal these to my partner.
  10. Throughout the conversation I am interested in learning and discovering more about myself and how l function.
When my partner is upset and talks to me....
  1. I'd rather have them keep it to themselves.
  2. I start to argue and defend myself.
  3. I assume I've done something wrong even if they are not blaming me.
  4. I automatically try to fix things and look for solutions to alleviate the tension I feel.
  5. I actively work at listening and remind myself to stay calm.
  6. I feedback the feelings and thoughts to be sure I've got an accurate reading of the problem.
  7. I ask questions designed to deepen my understanding of my partner.
  8. I remain fairly calm. I remind myself not to take it personally. I continue to think productively and ask even more questions.
  9. I understand that my partner is revealing her/himself. I am able to become even more curious and ask more helpful, probing questions.
  10. I effortlessly respond with empathy and compassion.
  11. 1 can hold onto my values, beliefs, and feelings at the same time as I can feel empathy and show nurturing concern for my partner even when I don't agree with their feelings.
  12. I am in touch with my strength when l am aware of my beliefs and at the same time can show empathy for my partner.
This is not the time to figure out why the hurtful behavior happens.  That will come later.  Stay focused on understanding how the behavior is hurtful and repair

HURT PARTNER (SPEAKER)

HURTFUL PARTNER (LISTENER)
Describe how you have been hurt.  Be concise. Say a little and then let your partner respond.  If you talk too long they could get overwhelmed and won’t be able to remember what you told them.  Stay specific to one issue.  Do not let one hurt lead to another hurt.  Don’t slip into “never” and “always.” What did your partner do to hurt you and how did it make you feel? Do not tell them why you think they do what they do or assess them. That could lead to defensiveness or a debate as to whether you are right. It will take you off focus of helping them understand your pain to give them the chance to understand and repair. Talk about how you feel. If you talk about them, you are off track. 
Listen actively. What did you hear them say?  Repeat it back and reflect back to them how what you did (or didn’t do) made them feel.  Check in with them to see how well you did. “Here's what I hear you saying. Did I get that right? What did I miss?"
Affirm what they got right and help them understand what they missed. Continue to tell them how it made you feel. ​
Try to connect with the pain of your partner.  Keep asking questions until it makes sense how your behavior hurt them.
Continue to help your partner understand.
When you feel you get it, make a final summary of what you understand your partner to be telling you.
“I hear you say that when I do/did ABC it makes you feel XYZ. Am I getting that right?”
“It makes sense to me why you would feel that way when I do that.”
If you feel heard and believe they understand, let them know. “Thanks for taking the time to really understand.  I feel heard.”
Hopefully you are able to fully empathize with how your partner feels and you don’t want them to feel that way. Tell them.
Express regret. Acknowledge that you caused hurt. Repair boldly.
“I’m so sorry that I made you feel this way.”

If the hurt caused is the result of a pattern of behavior that has gone on for a while your partner may not trust that you can stop hurting them.  You may have apologized before and not made any changes.
“I’m so sorry that I have done this to you repeatedly and it has taken so long for me to see the pain I have caused you.”
​If the apology feels good to you, let them know.  Thank them for understanding.
Check your partner’s face and ask yourself if the apology has landed. Check with your partner.
If they are not convinced try to be bolder.  Move closer to your partner.  Make physical contact if appropriate. Dig deep. Say more. ​ 

If it still doesn’t fully land, then it may take some time to rebuild trust.

Make a commitment to change. What will you do to stop the hurtful behavior?
  1. If it happens again (and it may for a while) repair immediately.
  2. Work with your partner to develop a cue for you to make you more aware of when this happens.
If the hurtful behavior comes up again you can let your partner know in a gentle, helpful, loving way that you are hurt. Do not get triggered and become emotionally threatening.  Help them help you.  You are a team.  Agree upon a short phrase (a few words) specific to this issue that will signal your partner that they have hurt you.
When your partner cues you, you immediately reflect on your behavior, repair the hurt caused, and rewind and try it again.  Reflect.  Repair. Rewind.
This material is based on the work of Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson
The Couples Institute, 445 Burgess Drive, Suite 150, Menlo Park, CA 94025