SUMMARY OF THE FOUR STEPS OF A GOOD APOLOGY
1. You must come to understand the other person’s injury, including the effects of your actions. This usually involves asking questions and listening.
PRACTICE SCRIPTS FOR STEP ONE
2. You must articulate a sincere statement of regret. You must acknowledge what you did and how it affected the other person. This is no small feat for most of us, especially when we didn’t intend to hurt someone.
PRACTICE SCRIPTS FOR STEP TWO
3. You must make reparations. This can include material restitution, although in relationships that’s less likely to occur.
PRACTICE SCRIPTS FOR STEP THREE
4. You must make a convincing plan to prevent the problem from happening again.
PRACTICE SCRIPTS FOR STEP FOUR
PRACTICE SCRIPTS FOR STEP ONE
- “I thought I knew what happened, but apparently I’m missing something. Would you fill me in, please?”
- “I said I was sorry for what I did, but it seems like there’s something else I don’t get.”
- “I’ve got a pretty good idea of what’s going on, but I think there might be more I should know about how what I did affected you.”
- “Obviously I touched a raw nerve, and I want to know more about it so I don’t do it again.”
- “Look, something I did hit you in a really bad way and I truly want to understand what happened.”
- “I want to understand what’s going on.
- Please tell me all about it.”
- “I want to understand. I’ll do my best just to listen.”
- “Thank you for bringing up how I affected you. I want to hear about it.”
2. You must articulate a sincere statement of regret. You must acknowledge what you did and how it affected the other person. This is no small feat for most of us, especially when we didn’t intend to hurt someone.
PRACTICE SCRIPTS FOR STEP TWO
- “I’m so sorry that my drinking too much/arguing with your sister/arriving so late/ making light of a serious occasion ruined such an important day for you. There is no excuse good enough.”
- “It’s my fault I didn’t plan ahead better so the train delay wouldn’t have made me so late. I’m really sorry.”
- “I should have realized how much it would mean to you for me to come with you to your cousin’s funeral. I’m so, so sorry you had to face that hard time on your own.”
- “I can see how deeply my attempt at humor actually hurt you. I wish I could take it back.”
- “I wish I’d thought to ask you before ordering the nonrefundable tickets. I can see that I’ve put you in an awful position.”
3. You must make reparations. This can include material restitution, although in relationships that’s less likely to occur.
PRACTICE SCRIPTS FOR STEP THREE
- “I want to help heal your hurt. I’ve got some ideas how. Can we talk about them?”
- “Is there something I can do to make up for how much my mistake hurt you?”
- “What would help you be able to trust me again?”
- “Will you please tell me if you see anything else I can do to make this right?”
- “I’d like to make sure that everyone who was affected by what happened understands that I’m responsible for it. Can we talk about how I can do that?”
4. You must make a convincing plan to prevent the problem from happening again.
PRACTICE SCRIPTS FOR STEP FOUR
- “Here’s how I will make sure this never happens again.”
- “I want to do whatever I can to earn your trust again.”
- “I promise to take responsibility for changing my routine/ habits/ mind-set.”
- “Can we figure out a way together to change the way we do family communications?”
- “Will you please tell me if you see that we’re sliding into the old pattern again?”
- “I really want all this pain and challenge to make me and us better than we were before.”