YES, NO, MAYBE SO: A SEXUAL INVENTORY STOCKLIST
first published Jun 10th 2010 • updated Feb 27th 2024
Heather Corinna and CJ Turett

Clear, truthful and open communication is a must with partnered sex⁠. It's the best way to assure everyone is fully and freely consenting and physically and emotionally safe; to help sex and sexual⁠ relationships be as satisfying, positive and awesome as they can be. We can't just know or guess what we or others want or need, like or dislike, are or are not okay with: we need to communicate those things and have them communicated to us.
Starting deep and honest communication⁠ about sex can be daunting, especially in areas which can be more loaded, tricky or where we feel vulnerable. Someone might ask what you do or don't like, or what may or may not be okay with you, and you may find you -- or a partner⁠, when they're asked -- have a hard time knowing how to respond. It might be particularly tough to start these conversations if talking about sex openly and out⁠ loud is something you've never done. When sex is newer to us, we may not even have a sense of all there is to talk about. It can feel like being asked what you want to eat at a restaurant without having a menu to even know your options. We might also sometimes find ourselves feeling inclined to only say what we think a partner wants to hear, or only responding to what they bring up rather than putting our own stuff on the table and initiating our own questions.
Yes, No and Maybe lists aren't something we invented. They've been used for a long time by sexuality educators, sex therapists, communities, couples and individuals, and they can be seriously useful tools. So, we've made one specifically for Scarleteen readers including all the issues you ask us about and we've talked about together over the years.
How can you use this list?
  1. ​You can either just read through it online, using it as a mental self-evaluation tool or talking with a partner as you both scroll through it. Or, you can print it out using this PDF file, and fill it in by hand. (It makes a fine bedfellow for our Sex Readiness Checklist, too!)
  2. First do it alone. Take your time, especially with areas or questions you haven't thought about before or haven't had experience with yet. When you're answering, figure this is about now: not right this very second, but in your life overall at this time and over the next few months. If you're answering about things you have no experience with, go with your gut on what you feel like you want. You might only use it for self-evaluation and your own decision-making, to get a better sense of where you stand or what you want to talk about with a partner without sharing it or having them fill it out for themselves.
  3. If you want to do it with a partner? Even though we use the term "partner" here to mean anyone with whom you'd be engaging in any kind of sexual contact or relationship⁠, this is not first-date stuff. This is a lot of very personal information for anyone to give or ask for. Young people often tell us they want some serious sexual intimacy: this is that kind of intimacy, big time. It would be overwhelming to find flopped in one's hands after only hanging out for a few days. If you're doing it with someone, you want to have been together for a while to have built some trust, to have some solid sense of your relationship and to have already started to discuss many things on this list already. If there are areas of this you don't feel ready to talk about, or that just make you really uncomfortable, feel free to hack it up in a word doc to make it into what you need and want. If you are going to do this with a partner, also be sure you're both earnestly ready to know and accept all of each other's truths (and to be truthful). Make some agreements in advance about the way you'll both address this with each other with maturity and care.
Coding Guide
  • A yes is an "I want to" or "I think I would," and a no is "I don't want to" or "I don't think I would." A maybe is an "I might," either only with certain people, at certain times, or in other specific circumstances. If there's something where you just have no idea, that's an IDK. None of these answers are a commitment to always say yes or no to anything, or a promise you'll say either: they're just assessments of how you generally feel about them. Your answers to this list may, and probably will, change over time: you may find something that's a yes now becomes a no after you try it, or that a no now is something you discover you're interested in down the road. Figure it's a snapshot of this point in time and an ever-evolving work in progress, just like you and your sexuality.
  • We included a code for fantasy. People often confuse what someone fantasizes about with what someone wants to actually or potentially do, which is especially a doozy for young people who can tend to feel freaked by the idea that fantasies must be "want-to-do's" rather than just "really-like-to-think-abouts." Recognizing the difference is important and can also take a lot of pressure off sharing fantasies. N/A is for the things that just don't apply to you: like, I can't get anyone pregnant, so those questions would be an N/A for me. You'll find some fill-in-the-blanks in this list, too.
  • Lists like this are not finish lines but starting points: for evaluating your own sexuality and/or for deeper conversations with someone else. This is so you can start thinking about things for yourself, or start having conversations with a partner. At the end of each section, we've included a few sample jumping-off points for conversations to give you some ideas.