What Happens to a Couple After Betrayal (Stan Tatkin)
- For the couple
- You’ve both lost something you can’t regain.
- The relationship you rebuild will never be like it was.
- You must develop a secure functioning relationship.
- People want to get out of pain as fast as possible. You will want to cut corners.
- You will want to feel better at the expense of getting better.
- Pain is necessary to process and grow.
- If unfaithful partner has more power than the injured partner, it is upside down.
- For the betrayed partner
- Trauma symptoms
- Mood instability, nightmares, flashbacks, perseveration
- Preoccupation with past, present, and future
- Brain can’t do anything other than review history
- Must recalibrate your entire life
- Who am I? Who are you? Who were we?
- How can I trust you?
- You have all the power for a while.
- You need to hold fast to what needs to happen.
- Fear of losing your partner could sacrifice principles.
- You have a pass for a while when you behave poorly.
- The pass expires when unfaithful partner puts enough skin in the game.
- Nobody would blame you for wanting out of this relationship.
- For the unfaithful partner
- Shame and fear.
- Needs to be totally transparent. Don’t hold anything back.
- Any hint that you are not being transparent will fuel the questioning for more details.
- The longer you take to show up, the longer recovery will take.
- You fear that more disclosure will be the end of the relationship.
- You have no capital. No leverage. No power.
- You must accept partner reactivity for a while.
- You must buy back into the relationship.
- Trust is killed. You may never be fully trusted again.
- You will be the perpetrator and healer. Very difficult role.
- Villain needs to become the Hero.
- Loss brings regret. Do not avoid loss and pain. It will keep you motivated to grow.
- You will be in the doghouse for a while.
- It’s going to be very hard.
- Nobody would blame you for not wanting to pay the price.
State of the Betrayed Partner
Pre-betrayal beliefs
I matter to you. I am safe with you. You value me. You meant our wedding vows. You are honest with me. You care about my feelings. You will protect me. You have goodwill toward me. You consider our marriage bed exclusive –just between us. |
Post-betrayal beliefs
I mean nothing to you. You are dangerous to me. I am scum to you. Our vows meant nothing. You are not trustworthy. You couldn’t care less. You will harm me. You wish me evil. I am not enough for you. Our sexual relationship is not special to you. |
Action Required of the Unfaithful Partner
- Expect and respect the sensitivities and triggers of your spouse.
- Pursue your partner and be proactive about checking on their emotional status
- Need to develop ANTICIPATION and AWARENESS of triggers.
- Be fully transparent
- Seek to understand your partner’s pain
- Show remorse and not be defensive
- Be patient with your partner’s emotions and time needed to recover
- Increase ability to show sincere empathy and provide bold, heartfelt apologies.
- Never say things like:
- You should be over this by now
- Why can’t you move on?
- Oh brother! That again?
- Why do you keep browbeating me with this?
- What’s your problem? I said I was sorry!
- It’s over. Why can’t you accept that?
- Why can’t you just forgive and forget?
- You’re just bitter and vindictive.
- You’ve hurt me too, you know!
Linda McDonald, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair
Radically Consider Your Partner
Betrayal happens when you don’t take into account another person who is relying on you. To rebuild trust requires a commitment to finding ways to radically consider your partner. When you radically consider your partner:
- Instead of escalating impatience, there’s growing patience.
- Instead of anger that goes nowhere, there’s real listening and a real sense of feeling seen and heard
- Instead of inflicting pain there’s an understanding of how to better meet each other’s needs.
- You can discover how to consider each other in ways they’ve never done before.
- You can feel you matter to each other more than ever.
- The unfaithful and the injured become intimate partners in this rebuilding of trust.
- When it’s all over, many people say that their relationship has never been stronger.
Mira Kirshenbaum, I Love You But I Don’t Trust You:
The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship
The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship
Steps to Moving On
- Recognition:
- The unfaithful partner develops and expresses a clear understanding of the betrayal and its consequences.
- Responsibility:
- The unfaithful partner takes full responsibility for decisions and choices related to the affair.
- Remorse:
- The unfaithful partner expresses genuine feelings of deep sadness, mourning, or even pain from the hurt they have caused.
- Restitution:
- The unfaithful partner engages in positive actions intended to reduce the hurt and related negative consequences from their actions.
- Reform:
- The unfaithful partner provides reassurance and a commitment to the betrayed partner by:
- Pledging not to hurt them in the same way again
- Addressing conditions that contributed to the betrayal
- Acting differently when confronted with similar situations in the future
- Release:
- The betrayed partner commits to a process of “letting go” or moving on, giving up the right to continue punishing their partner for the betrayal or demanding further restitution.
- Reconciliation:
- Both partners commit to rebuilding a relationship based on mutual trust and caring.