From Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love
by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (Jan 5, 2012)

AVOIDANT (ISLAND)

You are somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; you find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow yourself to depend on them.  You are nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want you to be more intimate than you feel comfortable being.
You feel uncomfortable when things become too close and intimate and value your independence and freedom more than the relationship and don’t tend to worry about your partner’s feelings or commitment toward you.
​You feel deep-rooted aloneness while in a relationship.  You connect with romantic partners but always maintain some mental distance and an escape route.  Feeling close and complete with someone else – the emotional equivalent of finding a home – is a condition that you find difficult to accept.

SECURE (ANCHOR)

​You find it relatively easy to get close to others and are comfortable depending on them and having them depend on you.  You don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to you.
You feel comfortable with intimacy with your romantic partner and don’t obsess much about the relationship or about your partner’s ability to love you back, but coast along with it.
​You find it easy to accept your partners, flaws and all, to depend on them, and to believe that they’re special and unique.
You’re very reliable, consistent, and trustworthy.  You don’t try to dodge intimacy or go nuts over your relationships.  There’s very little drama in your romantic ties – no highs and lows, no yo-yos and roller coasters to speak of.
You are attuned to your partner’s emotional and physical cues and know how to respond to them.  Your emotional system doesn’t get too riled up in the face of threat (anxious) but doesn’t get shut down either (avoidant).  
You expect your partner to be loving and responsive and don’t worry much about losing your partner’s love.
You feel extremely comfortable with intimacy and closeness and have an ability to communicate your needs and respond to your partner’s needs.

ANXIOUS (WAVE)

You find that others are reluctant to get as close as you would like.  You often worry that your partner doesn’t really love you or won’t want to stay with you.  You want to merge completely with another person and this desire sometimes scares people away.
You crave intimacy and closeness but have a lot of insecurities about where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does tend to set you off.
​You possess a unique ability to sense when your relationship is threatened.  Even a slight hint that something is wrong will activate your attachment system.  You are unable to calm down until you get a clear indication from your partner that he or she is truly there for you and that the relationship is safe.

If your partner is
AVOIDANT (ISLAND)

You can’t take closeness and intimacy for granted.  A desire to be close is missing.  While they have a need for attachment and love, they tend to feel suffocated when things get too close.  Everyday interactions and conversations, whether about what to watch on TV or how to raise kids, are actually negotiations for space and independence.  You often wind up complying with their wishes because otherwise they will withdraw.  Avoidants hardly ever date one another.

When you express needs

​They will feel very uncomfortable with the increased intimacy that your emotional disclosure brings and will respond in one of the following ways:
“Your too sensitive, demanding, needy.”
“I don’t want to talk about it”
“Stop analyzing everything”
“What do you want from me?  I didn’t do anything wrong!”
He or she will consider your needs on a certain matter only to disregard them again very soon.
“Geez, I said I was sorry.”

If your partner is
​SECURE (ANCHOR)

​They want to be close; at the same time, they are not overly sensitive to rejection.  They are also great communicators and know how to get their message across in a way that is straightforward yet not accusing.  Once you get close to someone with this attachment style, you don’t have to negotiate intimacy any more.  It becomes a given.  This frees both of you to enjoy life and grow.  They listen to your point of view and try to make things work in a way that will be acceptable to you both.  They have an innate understanding of what a romantic partnership means – namely, that your partner’s well-being is your own and vice versa.  These qualities allow you to be your most authentic self, which research has show to be one of the most important factors contributing to your overall happiness and well-being.

​When you express needs

S/he’ll understand and do what’s best to accommodate your needs.

If your partner is
ANXIOUS (WAVE)

​Your partner’s anxious attachment style is not necessarily a bad thing as long as you take the trouble to get into his or her mind-set.  Someone with an anxious attachment style craves intimacy but is also very sensitive to even the smallest perceived threats to this closeness.  Sometimes they’ll interpret your unconscious actions as a threat to the relationship.  When this happens, they become flooded with apprehension, but they lack the skills to communicate their distress to you effectively.  Instead, they resort to a lot of acting out and drama.  This can create a vicious cycle as they become even more sensitive to slights and their distress is compounded.  This does sound daunting, but before you call it quits, it is important to know that if you’re sensitive and nurturing enough to calm their fears – which is very doable – you will win a greatly loving and devoted partner.  Once you are receptive to their basic needs for warmth and security, their sensitivity can become an asset; they’ll be very much in tune with your wants and will be helpful and dedicated.  What’s more they will gradually learn how to communicate their fears and emotions better and you will need to second-guess them less and less.

​When you express needs

You’ll serve as a useful role model.  They will welcome the opportunity for greater intimacy and start to become more direct and open.

Attachment Style Cheat Sheet

AVOIDANT (ISLAND)

​Sends mixed signals
Values his/her independence greatly.
Devalues you (or previous partners).
Uses distancing strategies – emotional or physical
Emphasizes boundaries in the relationship.
Has an authentically romantic view of how a relationship should be.
Mistrustful – fears being taken advantage of by partner.
Has rigid view of relationships and uncompromising rules.
During a disagreement, needs to get away or “explodes.”
Doesn’t make his/her intentions clear.
Has difficulty talking about what’s going on between you.

SECURE (ANCHOR)

​Reliable and consistent
Makes decisions with you.
Flexible view of relationships.
Communicates relationship issues well.
Can reach compromise during arguments.
Not afraid of commitment or dependency.
Doesn’t view relationships as hard work.
Closeness creates further closeness.
Introduces friends and family early on.
Naturally expresses feelings for you.
Doesn’t play games.

ANXIOUS (WAVE)

​Wants a lot of closeness in the relationship
Expresses insecurities – worries about rejection
Unhappy when not in a relationship.
Plays games to keep your attention/interest.
Has difficulty explaining what’s bothering him/her  
Expects you to guess.
Acts out.
Has a hard time not making things about him/herself in the relationship.
Let’s you set the tone of the relationship.
Is preoccupied with the relationship.
Fears that small acts will ruin the relationship, believes s/he must work hard to keep your interest.
Suspicious that you may be unfaithful.

What does a baby's attachment style look like?

​When mommy leaves the room, the avoidant baby acts as though nothing has happened.  Upon her return, she remains unmoved, ignores her mom, and continues to play indifferently.  But this façade doesn’t tell the whole story.  In fact, inside, baby is neither calm nor collected.  Researchers have found that these babies’ heart rates are actually just as elevated as other babies who express immense distress, and their cortisol levels – a stress hormone – are high.
The secure baby is visibly distressed when mommy leaves the room.  When mother returns, he is very happy and eager to greet her.  Once in the safety of her presence, he is quick to be reassured, calm down and resume play activity.
The anxious baby becomes extremely distressed when mommy leaves the room.  When her mother returns, she reacts ambivalently – she is happy to see her but angry at the same time.  She takes longer to calm down, and even when she does, it is only temporary.  A few seconds later, she’ll angrily push mommy away, wriggle down, and burst into tears again.

AVOIDANT (ISLAND) ATTACHMENT STYLE

DE-ACTIVATING STRATEGIES
Methods to disengage from your partner.  Behavior or thought to squelch intimacy.
  • Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit” but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years.
  • Focusing on small imperfections in your partner: the way s/he talks, dresses eats, or _______, and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings.
  • Pining after an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend.
  • Flirting with others – a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship.
  • Not saying, “I love you” while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person.
  • Pulling away when things are going well (not calling for several days after an intimate date)
  • Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as someone who is married.
  • “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking to you.
  • Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy to maintain your feeling of independence.
  • Avoiding physical closeness (not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.
Thought Patterns That Leave You Out in the Cold
​
Mistaking Self-Reliance for Independence
Belief in self-reliance – and feeling alone because of it – is closely linked with a low degree of discomfort with intimacy and closeness.  Avoidant individuals are found to have a great deal of confidence about not needing anyone else, but this belief comes with a price tag.   They scored lowest on every measure of closeness in personal relationships; they were less willing to engage in self-disclosure, less comfortable with intimacy, and also less likely to seek help from others.  Even though it’s important for each of us to be able to stand on our own two feet, if we overrate self-reliance, we diminish the importance of getting support from others, cutting ourselves off from an important lifeline.  It forces you to ignore the needs of your partner and concentrate only on your needs.
 
Seeing the Worm Instead of the Apple
Avoidant types tend to see the glass half empty instead of half full when it comes to their partner.  This pattern is driven by a generally dismissive attitude toward connectedness.  When something occurs that contradicts this perspective – such as their spouse behaving in a genuinely caring and loving manner – they are prone to ignoring the behavior, or at least diminishing its value.
 
Having an avoidant attachment style can make you feel like you can’t figure out how to read your partner.  You’re not strong at translating the many verbal signals you receive into a coherent understanding of your partner’s mental state.    Along with your self-reliant attitude, you also train yourself not to care about how the person closest to you is feeling.   You figure that this is not your task; that they need to take care of their own emotional well-being.  This lack of understanding leads partners of avoidants to complain about not receiving enough emotional support.  It also leads to less connectedness, warmth and satisfaction in the relationship.
 
The Phantom Ex
One of the consequences of devaluing your romantic relationship is that you often wake up long after the relationship has gone stale, having forgotten all those negative things that annoyed you about your partner, wondering what went wrong and reminiscing longingly about your long-lost love.   Once at a safe distance, the threat of intimacy is gone and you no longer feel the need to suppress your true feelings.  Sometimes you do try to resume the relationship, starting a vicious cycle of getting closer and withdrawing.  Other times, you may not get back together but continue to think about him or her incessantly.  This fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships because it blocks you from getting close to someone else,
 
The Power of “The One”
After you have been with someone for a while whom you think is amazing, you may become overwhelmed with the feeling that s/he isn’t actually so hot after all.  You start to notice little things that you don’t like.  You feel suffocated and want to take a step back.  This is in reality a deactivating strategy, unconsciously triggered to turn off your attachment needs.  You conclude that you’re just not in love enough so you pull away.  Your partner is crushed and protests, but this only strengthens your conviction that s/he is not “the one.”  You continue your search for a mate believing that if you find “the one,” you’ll effortlessly connect at a totally different level.
EIGHT THINGS YOU CAN DO TO STOP PUSHING LOVE AWAY
  • Learn to identify deactivating strategies
    • Don’t act on impulse.
    • Are all those small imperfections you are noticing really your attachment system’s way of making you step back?
    • You need intimacy despite your discomfort with it.
  • De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support.
    • When your partner feels s/he has a secure base and you don’t feel the need to distance, you’ll both be better able to look outward and do your own thing.
    • You’ll become more independent and your partner will be less needy.
  • Find a secure partner.
    • People with secure attachment styles ten dot make their anxious and avoidant partners more secure as well.
    • You’ll experience less defensiveness, less fighting, less anguish.
  • Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.
    • Negative views of your partner’s behaviors and intentions infuse bad vibes into the relationship.
    • Remind yourself that you chose this partner and you’re better off trusting that they do have your best interests at heart.
  • Make a relationship gratitude list.
    • Remind yourself on a daily basis that you tend to think negatively of your partner.
    • Your objective should be to notice the positive in your partner’s actions.
    • Every day list at least one way your partner contributed to your well-being and why you’re grateful they’re in your life.
  • Nix the phantom ex.
    • When you find yourself idealizing that one special ex-partner, stop and acknowledge that he or she is not a viable option.
    • Admit that you were leery of committing and stop using him or her as a deactivating strategy and focus on something new.
  • Forget about “the one.”
    • You have to be an active party in finding your soul mate.
    • Don’t wait until “the one” who fits your checklist shows up and then expect everything to fall into place.
    • Make them into your soul mate by choosing them out of the crowd, allowing them to get close and making them a special part of your life. 
  • Adopt the distraction strategy.
    • As an avoidant, it’s easier to get close to your partner if there’s a distraction.
    • Focusing on other things (taking a hike, going sailing, preparing a meal) will allow you to let your guard down and make it easier to access your loving feelings.

ANXIOUS (WAVE) ATTACHMENT STYLE

​ACTIVATING STRATEGIES
Thoughts and feelings that compel you to seek closeness with your partner.
  • Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other things.
  • Remembering only their good qualities.
  • Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents and abilities and overestimating theirs.
  • An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them.
  • Believing this is your only chance for love.  “I’m only compatible with very few people – what are the chances I’ll find another person like him/her?” “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.”
Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go.  “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner for someone else.” “He can change.” “All couples have problems – we’re not special in that regard.”
PROTEST BEHAVIOR - LETTING YOUR ATTACHMENT SYSTEM GET THE BEST OF YOU
Protesting behavior is any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention.
  • Excessive attempts to reestablish contact:
    • Calling, texting, or e-mailing many times, waiting for a phone call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in hopes of running into him/her.
  • Withdrawing
    • Sitting silently “engrossed” in the partner, literally turning your back on you partner, not speaking, talking with other people on the phone and ignoring him/her.
  • Keeping score
    • Paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting just as long to return theirs; waiting for them to make the first “make up” move and acting distant until such time. 
  • Acting hostile
    • Rolling your eyes when they speak.  Looking away, getting up and leaving the room while they’re talking (acting hostile can transgress to outright violence at times).
  • Threatening to leave
    • Making threats – 
      • “We’re not getting along.  I don’t think I can do this anymore.
      • “I knew we weren’t really right for each other.”
      • “I’ll be better off without you”
    • All the while hoping s/he will stop you from leaving.
  • Manipulation
    • Acting busy or unapproachable.  Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t.
  • Making him/her feel jealous
    • Making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going out with friends to a singles bar, telling your partner about someone who hit on you today.
ANXIOUS ATTRACTED TO AVOIDANT – THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER
An avoidant person’s subtle indicators of uncertainty and unavailability will make you feel insecure.  Every time you get mixed messages, your attachment system is activated and you become preoccupied with the relationship.  But then he gives you attention and your elated.  But soon the messages become mixed again.  You live in suspense, anticipating the next small remark that will reassure you.  You start to equate this cycle (anxiety, preoccupation, obsession, bursts of joy) with love.  You equate an activated attachment system with passion.  You become programmed to get attracted to those very individuals who are least likely to make you happy.

IF YOU ARE ANXIOUS (WAVE)

​You want closeness and intimacy.


​
You are very sensitive to any signs of rejection (vigilant attachment system).


​
You find it hard to tell them directly what you need and what’s bothering you (effective communication), and use protest behaviors instead.

You need to be reassured and feel loved.


​
Your need to know exactly where you stand in the relationship.

AVOIDANT (ISLAND) RESPONSE

​They want to maintain some distance, emotional and/or physical.

They send mixed signals that often come across as rejecting.



​
They are bad at reading your verbal and nonverbal cues and don’t think it’s their responsibility to do so.

​
They tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their attachment system.

They prefer to keep things fuzzy.  Even if your relationship is very serious, some question marks still remain.

SECURE (ANCHOR) RESPONSE

​They are comfortable with closeness and don’t try to push you away.

They are very consistent and reliable and won’t send mixed messages that will upset you.  If you become distressed, they know how to reassure you.

They see your well-being as a top priority and do their best to read your verbal and nonverbal cues.


​
They feel comfortable telling you how they feel, very early on, in a consistent manner.

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They are very stable; they also feel comfortable with commitment.

SECURE (ANCHOR) ATTACHMENT STYLE

  1. ​Great conflict busters – During a fight they don’t feel the need to act defensively or to injure or punish their partner and so prevent the situation from escalating.
  2. Mentally flexible – They are not threatened by criticism.  They’re willing to reconsider their ways, and if necessary, revise their beliefs and strategies.
  3. Effective communicators – They expect others to be understanding and responsive, so expressing their feelings freely and accurately comes naturally.
  4. Not game players – They want closeness and believe other want the same, so why play games.
  5. Comfortable with closeness, unconcerned about boundaries – They seek intimacy and aren’t afraid of being “enmeshed.”  Because they aren’t overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted (as are the anxious) or the need to deactivate (as are the avoidants), they find it easy to enjoy closeness, whether physical or emotional.
  6. Quick to forgive – They assume their partners’ intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive them when they do something hurtful.
  7. Inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one – They don’t need to create distance by separating the two (by being close either emotionally or sexually but not both).
  8. Treat their partners like royalty—When you’ve become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect.
  9. Secure in their power to improve the relationship – They are confident in their positive beliefs about themselves and others, which makes this assumption logical.
  10. Responsible for their partners’ well-being – They expect others to be responsive and loving toward them and so are responsive to others’ needs.