For the Betrayer: 8 Things You Must Know and Do to Rebuild Trust After an Affair
By Sheri Meyers, Contributor
Marriage & Family Therapist, Author of “Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love and Affair Proof Your Marriage."
You've made a terrible mistake.
You got caught up in a flirtation that led to an affair. It felt so good at the time and it all happened so quickly. You felt attractive, sexy, and alive for maybe the first time in years. You didn't stop to consider the consequences of what you were doing, and if you did, you were quick to justify your actions to yourself. "I deserve this," you may have thought. Or maybe you just convinced yourself that your partner would never find out, so why not have a little fun?
But here you are. Whether you intended it or not, your partner has discovered your infidelity. Now that the affair is over, you have the stone cold realization that you may have damaged or even destroyed the most precious gift you've ever been given -- your primary partner's trust and love. You don't want your primary relationship to end. You never wanted to hurt your partner. You still love them. But can it ever be the same between you again?
The answer to that is there's good news and bad news.
The good news is trust can be rebuilt and the relationship can be better than ever. The bad news is that it takes work and doesn't come quickly.
What is trust, anyway? Fundamentally, trust is the belief that "I am safe. You are safe. The world of us is safe." When cheating happens, that belief is shaken to the core.
Rebuilding Trust Takes Time and Patience
If you've been unfaithful and you've decided "I want to come home," it's important to realize that you're not going to be able to put the affair away in a vault and lock it up. Regaining trust means you must show that you clearly understand what your partner has felt and experienced, and prove to them (over and over) that you are truly sorry, and willing to change and work on earning back their trust, no matter what it takes. Your partner needs a lot of proof that you're serious, reliable, and safe to love before they're going to trust you again. Rebuilding trust means rebuilding your credibility.
It is both a rite of passage and a healing journey that takes patience, courage, inner strength and time for both the betrayed and the betrayer to heal, regain balance, and learn anew the dance of trust.
Your main job during this process is to be dependable, consistent, responsive and comforting.
Here Are Eight Essential Guidelines from Chatting or Cheating to Help you do that:
The sooner you come to grips with the fact that the road back from distrust to trust takes perseverance, patience, commitment and time, the more likely you are to be successful at healing your relationship.
Cheating Doesn't Have to Lead to Divorce or Breakup.
You can build a more honest, healthier and happier relationship on the other side of this mess. It takes two people committed to staying in, staying strong and working on it together. Keep holding onto the bigger vision that you'll both get through this, no matter how shaky it seems at the moment.
Take it one day at a time, one week at a time, and follow the eight guidelines. Before you know it, your relationship will grow closer, more loving, solid and strong.
By Sheri Meyers, Contributor
Marriage & Family Therapist, Author of “Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love and Affair Proof Your Marriage."
You've made a terrible mistake.
You got caught up in a flirtation that led to an affair. It felt so good at the time and it all happened so quickly. You felt attractive, sexy, and alive for maybe the first time in years. You didn't stop to consider the consequences of what you were doing, and if you did, you were quick to justify your actions to yourself. "I deserve this," you may have thought. Or maybe you just convinced yourself that your partner would never find out, so why not have a little fun?
But here you are. Whether you intended it or not, your partner has discovered your infidelity. Now that the affair is over, you have the stone cold realization that you may have damaged or even destroyed the most precious gift you've ever been given -- your primary partner's trust and love. You don't want your primary relationship to end. You never wanted to hurt your partner. You still love them. But can it ever be the same between you again?
The answer to that is there's good news and bad news.
The good news is trust can be rebuilt and the relationship can be better than ever. The bad news is that it takes work and doesn't come quickly.
What is trust, anyway? Fundamentally, trust is the belief that "I am safe. You are safe. The world of us is safe." When cheating happens, that belief is shaken to the core.
Rebuilding Trust Takes Time and Patience
If you've been unfaithful and you've decided "I want to come home," it's important to realize that you're not going to be able to put the affair away in a vault and lock it up. Regaining trust means you must show that you clearly understand what your partner has felt and experienced, and prove to them (over and over) that you are truly sorry, and willing to change and work on earning back their trust, no matter what it takes. Your partner needs a lot of proof that you're serious, reliable, and safe to love before they're going to trust you again. Rebuilding trust means rebuilding your credibility.
It is both a rite of passage and a healing journey that takes patience, courage, inner strength and time for both the betrayed and the betrayer to heal, regain balance, and learn anew the dance of trust.
Your main job during this process is to be dependable, consistent, responsive and comforting.
Here Are Eight Essential Guidelines from Chatting or Cheating to Help you do that:
- Call when you say you will call. Be home when you say you'll be home. Make yourself and your schedule an open book.
- Give your partner the time and space to vent their feelings. This includes crying about what you have done, asking you lots and lots of questions, hurling a great deal of judgment, even raging at you, all the while you stand strong, stay faithful, keep apologizing, and reaching out with compassion and understanding.
- Find out what your partner needs. Do what you can do to change the situation and make it better.
- Accept that sometimes it going to feel like you are moving two steps forward and three steps back. One day it seems like there's hope for tomorrow, and the next day, you're sleeping on the couch again. Have a plan in place that will help you to stay calm and centered while you navigate through the inevitable bumps, obstacles, landmines and setbacks that will happen. Rather than being shocked and overreacting, be prepared to take positive action.
- Take full responsibility for your actions and choices. This means taking a deep, hard look at why you cheated and how you can make sure you never cheat again.
- Be sure that all promises you make are promises you keep. Your words, actions and deeds must come from total and unwavering integrity. Simply put, what you say you're going to do, you DO. No lies. No excuses. No exceptions.
- Practice the three A's: Affection, Attention and Appreciation daily. Show your partner how much you love and appreciate them in big and small ways every day.
- When you or the relationship feels like it's stuck and struggling, remember to stop and ask yourself the following question: "How would love respond?" If something sets you or your partner off, or it feels like a cold iceberg has drifted between you or the conversation suddenly shifts from reunion to break up, be sure to do this: Lean in, look your partner in the eye, take deep, long breaths and say these words.... "I love you. You are the one I want. We matter. I am so sorry for the pain I caused you and us. It feels scary right now, but we'll get through this."
The sooner you come to grips with the fact that the road back from distrust to trust takes perseverance, patience, commitment and time, the more likely you are to be successful at healing your relationship.
Cheating Doesn't Have to Lead to Divorce or Breakup.
You can build a more honest, healthier and happier relationship on the other side of this mess. It takes two people committed to staying in, staying strong and working on it together. Keep holding onto the bigger vision that you'll both get through this, no matter how shaky it seems at the moment.
Take it one day at a time, one week at a time, and follow the eight guidelines. Before you know it, your relationship will grow closer, more loving, solid and strong.
How to Build Trust: 12 General Tips
The following suggestions about how to build trust were provided by Carthage Buckley (n.d.), a stress and performance coach.
The following suggestions about how to build trust were provided by Carthage Buckley (n.d.), a stress and performance coach.
- Be true to your word and follow through with your actions. The point of building trust is for others to believe what you say. Keep in mind, however, that building trust requires not only keeping the promises you make but also not making promises you’re unable to keep. Keeping your word shows others what you expect from them, and in turn, they’ll be more likely to treat you with respect, developing further trust in the process.
- Learn how to communicate effectively with others. Poor communication is a major reason why relationships break down. Good communication includes being clear about what you have or have not committed to and what has been agreed upon. Building trust is not without risk. It involves allowing both you and others taking risks to prove trustworthiness. To navigate this, effective communication is key. Without it, you may find the messages you’ve intended to send aren’t the messages that are received.
- Remind yourself that it takes time to build and earn trust. Building trust is a daily commitment. Don’t make the mistake of expecting too much too soon. In order to build trust, first take small steps and take on small commitments and then, as trust grows, you will be more at ease with making and accepting bigger commitments. Put trust in, and you will generally get trust in return.
- Take time to make decisions and think before acting too quickly. Only make commitments that you are happy to agree to. Have the courage to say “no,” even when it disappoints someone. If you agree to something and can’t follow through, everyone involved is worse off. Be clear about what you have on your plate, and keep track of your commitments. Being organized is a necessary part of building trust with family, friends, and colleagues. It enables you to make a clear decision as to whether to agree to requests of your time and energy.
- Value the relationships that you have and don’t take them for granted. Trust often results from consistency. We tend to have the most trust in people who are there for us consistently through good times and bad. Regularly showing someone that you’re there for them is an effective way to build trust.
- Develop your team skills and participate openly. When you take an active role in a team and make contributions, people are more likely to respect and trust you. It’s also imperative when building trust in a team to show your willingness to trust others. Being open and willing to make contributions and to engage demonstrates this. In other words, take what others say into consideration, show that you are listening actively, suggest your thoughts and feedback in a respectful way, and demonstrate that you are willing to be part of the team.
- Always be honest. The message you convey should always, always be the truth. If you are caught telling a lie, no matter how small, your trustworthiness will be diminished.
- Help people whenever you can. Helping another person, even if it provides no benefit to you, builds trust. Authentic kindness helps to build trust.
- Don’t hide your feelings. Being open about your emotions is often an effective way to build trust. Furthermore, if people know that you care, they are more likely to trust you. Emotional intelligence plays a role in building trust. Acknowledging your feelings, learning the lessons that prevail, and taking productive action means that you won’t deny reality—this is the key to building trust.
- Don’t always self-promote. Acknowledgment and appreciation play an important role in building trust and maintaining good relationships. Recognizing and appreciating the efforts of others shows your talent for leadership and teamwork and increases the trust others have in you. On the other hand, if people don’t demonstrate appreciation for a good deed, they appear selfish. Selfishness destroys trust.
- Always do what you believe to be right. Doing something purely for approval means sacrificing your own values and beliefs. This decreases trust in yourself, your values, and your beliefs. Always doing what you believe is right, even when others disagree, will lead others to respect your honesty. Interestingly, when building trust, you must be willing to upset others on occasion. People tend not to trust those who simply say whatever they think others want to hear.
- Admit your mistakes. When you attempt to hide your mistakes, people know that you are being dishonest. By being open, you show your vulnerable side, and this helps build trust with other people. This is because they perceive you to be more like them—everyone makes mistakes. If you pretend that you never make mistakes, you’ll make it difficult for others to trust you because you have created an unnecessary difference between the two of you. When all that a person sees is the “perfection” you project, they likely won’t trust you.
Books on Building Trust
To get an in-depth look at how to build trust, you might want to read a book devoted to the topic.
1. Building Trust: In Business, Politics, Relationships, and Life – Robert C. Solomon and Fernando Flores (2003)
Trust is the necessary backbone of success in any significant relationship. What is trust, exactly? How can it be achieved? What about regaining trust once it has been broken? The book also explains how to move from “naïve trust,” which is easily broken, to “authentic trust,” which is reflective, sophisticated and able to be renewed.
Available on Amazon.
2. The Thin Book of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work – Charles Feltman (2008)
This quick read teaches readers how to build and sustain strong, trusting relationships with others and how to repair trust once it has been broken. It talks about being intentional and consistent in your language and actions.
The book suggests that you can earn and keep the trust of others by understanding and consistently demonstrating trustworthy language and behavior.
Available on Amazon.
3. Building Trust: How to Get It! How to Keep It! – Hyler J. Bracey (2002)
This book is not about the importance of trust. Rather, by providing practical steps, this book sets out to explain how, step by step, to build and improve trust.
Available on Amazon.
4. The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships – Cynthia L. Wall (2005)
This book suggests that the ability to trust is both a choice and a skill that can be developed. Wall explores how acts of betrayal can leave us wary and distrustful. This is a warm, friendly guide on how to build self-confidence, intimacy, and trust. The book also provides exercises and ideas for self-reflection.
Available on Amazon.
5. Trust Works! Four Keys to Building Lasting Relationships – Cynthia Olmstead, Kenneth H. Blanchard, and Martha C. Lawrence (2013)
In this book, the authors share what they call the “ABCD trust model” to explain and solve issues like poor morale, faulty communication in relationships, poor customer service, and dysfunctional leadership.
Available on Amazon.
To get an in-depth look at how to build trust, you might want to read a book devoted to the topic.
1. Building Trust: In Business, Politics, Relationships, and Life – Robert C. Solomon and Fernando Flores (2003)
Trust is the necessary backbone of success in any significant relationship. What is trust, exactly? How can it be achieved? What about regaining trust once it has been broken? The book also explains how to move from “naïve trust,” which is easily broken, to “authentic trust,” which is reflective, sophisticated and able to be renewed.
Available on Amazon.
2. The Thin Book of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work – Charles Feltman (2008)
This quick read teaches readers how to build and sustain strong, trusting relationships with others and how to repair trust once it has been broken. It talks about being intentional and consistent in your language and actions.
The book suggests that you can earn and keep the trust of others by understanding and consistently demonstrating trustworthy language and behavior.
Available on Amazon.
3. Building Trust: How to Get It! How to Keep It! – Hyler J. Bracey (2002)
This book is not about the importance of trust. Rather, by providing practical steps, this book sets out to explain how, step by step, to build and improve trust.
Available on Amazon.
4. The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships – Cynthia L. Wall (2005)
This book suggests that the ability to trust is both a choice and a skill that can be developed. Wall explores how acts of betrayal can leave us wary and distrustful. This is a warm, friendly guide on how to build self-confidence, intimacy, and trust. The book also provides exercises and ideas for self-reflection.
Available on Amazon.
5. Trust Works! Four Keys to Building Lasting Relationships – Cynthia Olmstead, Kenneth H. Blanchard, and Martha C. Lawrence (2013)
In this book, the authors share what they call the “ABCD trust model” to explain and solve issues like poor morale, faulty communication in relationships, poor customer service, and dysfunctional leadership.
Available on Amazon.