Impact Letter and Restitution Letter
from Courageous Love by Dr. Stefanie Carnes
Emotional Impact Letter - written by betrayed partner
One of the main causes of couples failing to heal after a painful betrayal is that they don't effectively communicate about the feelings and pain the betrayal has caused. Without appropriate expression of this pain, the wound can fester. Deep, emotional sharing about the pain can clean out that wound. However, this is one of the most difficult parts of the healing process. Once you have heard your partner's disclosure and understand the total nature of the betrayal, you need to identify and share in a comprehensive manner about how the betrayal has impacted you.
You can do this with an impact letter and write down your feelings about the betrayal, and then you share that with your partner. In the impact letter the betrayed partner highlights the significant pain points and expresses in detail how this has impacted them. This provides a chance for the betraying partner to truly "get it" and understand how much pain their behavior has caused. This is a significant step in the healing process. It may take many sessions with a therapist to write and process the impact letter. Some impact letters can be lengthy, as it is important that they be comprehensive and address all the key pain points surrounding the betrayal.
Most betrayed partners find that being honest in such a profound and meaningful way helps them feel like they're getting a weight off their chest. They also feel empowered as they give voice to their hurt, pain, and suffering.
As a betrayed partner, you will need to collect your thoughts before you write your impact letter. The following guide will help you do this. First you need to evaluate the areas of life in which you have experienced pain, mistrust, and consequences. Next you will look at lies, deception, and gaslighting. You will also look at self-blame, sexuality and broken promises and vows.
As you address the issues, consider the following questions:
Analysis of Consequences
Describe your thoughts and feelings about each type of consequence.
Analysis of Lies, Deception, and Gaslighting
In addition to the consequences, you've also experienced a loss of relationship trust. In all likelihood, you now question everything your partner says and does. If so, it's because of the lies, deception, and gaslighting that he or she engaged in as part of the addiction.
Make a list of all the lies that your partner told you. Also describe how you might have been made to doubt what you suspected or knew to be true. Be specific. Write how you felt when you experienced it (i.e., confused, angry, afraid, ashamed, etc.)
Self-Blame
Have there been moments when you blamed yourself for the participating partner's behavior? If so, list those moments, along with your thoughts about those moments now.
Sexuality
After hearing about what your partner did, you may have feelings about specific behaviors. List those sexual behaviors and your thoughts and feelings about these.
Broken Promises and Vows
In the following section, make a list of the broken promises and vows that were made to you by your participating partner and your thoughts and feelings about each of those.
Betrayed Partners: Impact Letter
Below are guidelines for writing your letter. Include as many of the suggested elements as you can. Please review your letter with your therapist, support group, or sponsor before sharing it with your partner.
Section 1: Evaluation of the Disclosure Process
In this section, describe how the unfolding disclosure process has impacted you.
Section 2: Description of Consequences
In this section, describe how the betrayal has impacted all areas of your life.
Section 3: Evaluation of the Lies, Deception, and Gaslighting
In this section, describe how your partner's deception has impacted you.
Section 4: Self-Blame
You may have found yourself mistakenly blaming yourself for your partner's behavior. For example, you might have thought that if you had been a more available lover, less angry, more loving, etc., then maybe this wouldn't have happened. It is important for you to realize that you are not to blame for the sexual betrayal. In this section, tell your partner what your struggles were in this area and how his or her deceit caused you to doubt yourself.
Section 5: Sexuality
Describe your thoughts and feelings about your partner's sexual behaviors.
Section 6: Fear and Shame
Describe any fears you have about others judging you, judging your partner, or judging your relationship.
Section 7: Impact on the Relationship
Describe how the betrayal has impacted your relationship.
Section 8: Boundaries
In this section, outline briefly what you will do to take care of yourself as you move forward.
Section 9: Closing
Sample Impact Letter
Dear Ron,
I am writing this letter so you will have a better understanding of how your infidelity over the course of our marriage has affected me. My hope is that if you hear my feelings about your behavior, especially the lies, secrets, and manipulation, you will 'get it' as far as why I'm angry one minute, afraid the next, and happy the next. My deepest hope is that you will finally feel some empathy for what I've experienced and what I continue to experience in our marriage.
For me, the worst of what you did was the covering up. The lies, the secrets, the gaslighting, and the partial admissions. In the beginning, when I told you I was worried, you told me I was imagining things. When I confronted you with actual evidence, you denied it and accused me of making things up. When you finally did admit to certain things, you denied everything else and blamed me for the things to which you admitted I continually felt betrayed and abused sometimes I felt sick to my stomach. And the fact that several times you told me I knew everything and there was nothing more to know, but then I found out that was not true, made all of this worse. The months of staggered disclosure made it impossible for me to trust you and even to trust myself Even after therapeutic disclosure, I find it hard to trust that you've finally told me everything.
My emotional state was a mess from the moment I first suspected you might be cheating. And when I started to see evidence that confirmed my suspicions, I was all over the place. One minute I thought it couldn't be true, the next I couldn't understand how the one person in the world who is supposed to have my back could betray me. This rollercoaster continues today, and I hate it. I feel like the fact that I can't control my emotions is my fault, and blaming myself in this way feels like yet another injury that you've perpetrated on me.
Your sexual addiction and betrayal have affected every aspect of my life. I'm short-tempered with the kids and they don't know why. I'm worried they think they're the ones who've done something wrong. That is incredibly unfair to them. I also worry about all the money you spent on your addiction, and all the money we're spending now on your recovery and on healing our damaged relationship. Worst of all, I feel like I'm so obsessed with the betrayal that I can't focus on life. Our home does not look the way it once did, the meals I serve are not as good as they used to be, and sometimes I just plain forget to do things, which never happened before the betrayal.
When you were having the affair with Janet, I knew about it, but you repeatedly told me it was over And then you would get angry with me and tell me if I wasn't such a nag, you wouldn't need other women for support. You also said horrible things about my looks. You made me feel small and unworthy. You made me feel as if I didn't have a right to be angry. You engaged in the same belittling behaviors when I confronted you about your porn use, the hookup apps on your phone, and other indicators that you were cheating. You put me dawn and you kept me confused to keep me in our marriage and make me feel like our problems were all my fault, even though you were the one cheating.
The times when you just flat out lied to me and told me my mind was playing tricks on me, despite plenty of evidence you really were cheating, I wanted to believe you. I tried to believe you. But this did not mesh with reality as I was experiencing it. Sometimes I thought I was going crazy. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't.
The worst part of your betrayal was that I started to blame myself I thought maybe I wasn't attractive enough, or loving enough, or a good enough wife, and that's why you did what you did. It ruined my self-esteem. When I knew you were using porn, I tried to lose weight and dress differently because I thought I was too fat and had let myself go. I starved myself and got horrible headaches, and I was filled with anxiety about my appearance.
Before the betrayal, I truly believed we had an ideal marriage—a nice house, great kids, and enough money to live comfortably. That's all I ever wanted. But then I found out it was all a lie. I feel like we've forever lost the marriage and life I thought we had. I feel like our life together is forever divided into before the cheating and after the cheating, and I will never be able to trust you the way I did before, that I will never be as comfortable in our relationship as I once was, that I will never be able to enjoy sex with you the way I once did, that I will never feel as comfortable with my own sexuality as I once did. I will always wonder, when we're together sexually, if you're really `there' or if your mind is thinking about someone else.
I feel tremendous shame about what happened, like I somehow failed as a wife. And I worry about what other people know or suspect. I find myself lying to my family and yours because I don't want my family to judge me for staying with you, or your family to judge me for somehow causing you to behave this way. I've also been keeping secrets from my friends because I don't want them to know what happened, even though I know they will support me. Feeling like I need to be dishonest in this way is harming my self-esteem and sense of sell I've always prided myself on my honesty, and now I can't. I feel like I'm lying, keeping secrets, and manipulating the same as you, and that really bothers me because your lies, secrets, and manipulation hurt me and our relationship more than the actual sex behaviors you engaged in.
Your betrayal has ruined my ability to trust anything you've ever said or done. Did you ever really love me? Did you ever really care about me? It has also ruined my ability to trust others. It's not just you that I struggle to trust; it's everyone. And the fact that you continually told me bits and pieces of the story, without ever getting fully honest until formal therapeutic disclosure, made everything worse. It hurt more and more every time I found out about something else that you did It's like you were poking a bruise. And now the pain of that bruise is affecting all my relationships.
My hope is that over time you will establish solid sexual sobriety and we will rebuild trust in our relationship. For that to happen, you will need to be diligent in your recovery and honest not only with me but with everyone in all aspects of your life. I need to know that you are going to therapy and 12-step meetings, and that you are doing the work required. If you slip up and fail to be honest with me, I need you to come clean about that within 24 hours.
I also need you to accept that I'm riding an emotional rollercoaster and it's not my fault. I need you to develop some empathy for what I've experienced and continue to experience. I need you to not blame me or get angry with me when my emotions are out of control.
I know that we will never have the relationship we had before your cheating, but maybe we can have something different that ultimately is better, more intimate, and longer-lasting. lam encouraged by the steps you have taken to overcome your addiction and repair our relationship. I also feel good about the healing work I'm doing. I want to love and respect you with all my heart and I want you to do the same for me. If we can both do that, we will not only survive, we will thrive.
Love,
Marie
When your impact letter is complete, it's time to share it with your partner. This should be done with the support of your therapist. These professionals can provide you and your partner with important feedback and much-needed support. Plus, having additional witnesses to your pain and sorrow can be healing.
Betraying partners, please understand that listening to this letter will likely be the most difficult part of the healing process for you. Your betrayed partner needs you to understand his or her pain in order to heal, and you need to understand your partner's pain to fully recover. So please try to stay emotionally present and attuned to your partner, no matter how difficult that turns out to be.
You can do this with an impact letter and write down your feelings about the betrayal, and then you share that with your partner. In the impact letter the betrayed partner highlights the significant pain points and expresses in detail how this has impacted them. This provides a chance for the betraying partner to truly "get it" and understand how much pain their behavior has caused. This is a significant step in the healing process. It may take many sessions with a therapist to write and process the impact letter. Some impact letters can be lengthy, as it is important that they be comprehensive and address all the key pain points surrounding the betrayal.
Most betrayed partners find that being honest in such a profound and meaningful way helps them feel like they're getting a weight off their chest. They also feel empowered as they give voice to their hurt, pain, and suffering.
As a betrayed partner, you will need to collect your thoughts before you write your impact letter. The following guide will help you do this. First you need to evaluate the areas of life in which you have experienced pain, mistrust, and consequences. Next you will look at lies, deception, and gaslighting. You will also look at self-blame, sexuality and broken promises and vows.
As you address the issues, consider the following questions:
- Have you had health consequences, such as illnesses or STDs?
- Have you had consequences to your friendships? For example, have you lost friendships due to your partner's acting out, or withdrawn into isolation because you didn't want to tell people what was happening in your life?
- Do you worry that your relationship with your partner will never be the same?
- Have you experienced financial consequences, perhaps related to job loss (your own or your partner's) or money your partner spent while cheating? Are there now additional costs for treatment?
- Have you experienced psychological consequences, such as shame, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, PTSD symptoms?
- Have you experienced spiritual consequences, possibly a loss of faith or an existential crisis (wondering what is the meaning of all of this)?
- Have you experienced sexual consequences, such as a lack of desire, feelings of disgust, or a lack of intimacy?
- Has the betrayal impacted your ability to function at work or at home? If so, in what ways?
- How have your children been impacted? Have they learned information that will be traumatic for them? Have they experienced tension and conflict in the home?
Analysis of Consequences
Describe your thoughts and feelings about each type of consequence.
- Health
- Family/Friends Relationships
- Financial
- Psychological
- Spiritual
- Sexual
- Professional
- Children
Analysis of Lies, Deception, and Gaslighting
In addition to the consequences, you've also experienced a loss of relationship trust. In all likelihood, you now question everything your partner says and does. If so, it's because of the lies, deception, and gaslighting that he or she engaged in as part of the addiction.
Make a list of all the lies that your partner told you. Also describe how you might have been made to doubt what you suspected or knew to be true. Be specific. Write how you felt when you experienced it (i.e., confused, angry, afraid, ashamed, etc.)
Self-Blame
Have there been moments when you blamed yourself for the participating partner's behavior? If so, list those moments, along with your thoughts about those moments now.
Sexuality
After hearing about what your partner did, you may have feelings about specific behaviors. List those sexual behaviors and your thoughts and feelings about these.
Broken Promises and Vows
In the following section, make a list of the broken promises and vows that were made to you by your participating partner and your thoughts and feelings about each of those.
Betrayed Partners: Impact Letter
Below are guidelines for writing your letter. Include as many of the suggested elements as you can. Please review your letter with your therapist, support group, or sponsor before sharing it with your partner.
Section 1: Evaluation of the Disclosure Process
In this section, describe how the unfolding disclosure process has impacted you.
- Did you initially make discoveries on your own?
- Did your participating partner share information about the betrayal in little pieces over time?
- How did you feel when you discovered each new bit of information?
- How did this affect your emotional stability?
- Was it staggered disclosure and was it traumatic for you?
- Was there information that was particularly disappointing or emotional for you? Share specific incidents that were particularly painful. If you received a therapeutic disclosure, what was that like? Paint a picture of your emotional experience. What were the most painful aspects of this?
Section 2: Description of Consequences
In this section, describe how the betrayal has impacted all areas of your life.
- Explain in detail the consequences you've experienced because of your partner's behavior.
- Describe the physical, relational, psychological, financial, sexual, and professional consequences you've had.
- Describe any consequences to your children.
Section 3: Evaluation of the Lies, Deception, and Gaslighting
In this section, describe how your partner's deception has impacted you.
- Identify ways your partner was intentionally deceptive and manipulative.
- Describe specific examples of 'crazy-making' behavior and how they made you feel.
- Did the deception cause you to doubt yourself?
- What has it been like to learn the truth and realize the extent of the lies?
- How has it been to reclaim your reality around this truth?
- Describe what your partner said after the discovery of the infidelity. Were you blamed or compared to any acting out partners?
Section 4: Self-Blame
You may have found yourself mistakenly blaming yourself for your partner's behavior. For example, you might have thought that if you had been a more available lover, less angry, more loving, etc., then maybe this wouldn't have happened. It is important for you to realize that you are not to blame for the sexual betrayal. In this section, tell your partner what your struggles were in this area and how his or her deceit caused you to doubt yourself.
- Explain to your partner that you realize now that you are not and never were at fault.
- Describe how you feel about thinking that you were.
- Use your voice to empower yourself, and to divest yourself of responsibility for the betrayal.
Section 5: Sexuality
Describe your thoughts and feelings about your partner's sexual behaviors.
- When you discovered what he or she was doing—for example, seeing prostitutes, having sex with someone in your bed, using pornography—what feelings came up for you?
- Are there particular behaviors that trouble you?
- What has it been like for you to learn about this aspect of your partner's sexuality?
- How has the betrayal changed your sexual relationship with your partner?
- How about your individual sexuality?
- Do you feel concerns about your body or your sexual functioning?
- Has this impaired your sexual functioning?
- Do you believe that you can’t compete with what he received from his acting out, whether it’s another person or pornography?
Section 6: Fear and Shame
Describe any fears you have about others judging you, judging your partner, or judging your relationship.
- Do you feel shame and embarrassment about your partner's behavior?
- Have you experienced public embarrassment related to the behavior? If so, how has this affected you?
- When you think about other people who know about the betrayal or who might find out, what thoughts come to your mind?
Section 7: Impact on the Relationship
Describe how the betrayal has impacted your relationship.
- Have you lost the feelings of safety arid connection you once had?
- Does your knowledge of the betrayal and deception affect your ability to trust in the relationship?
- What promises or vows that your partner made to you have been broken?
- How do you feel about trusting your partner going forward?
- Do you feel that trust can be restored?
- What will you need to see and experience for that to happen?
Section 8: Boundaries
In this section, outline briefly what you will do to take care of yourself as you move forward.
- Are there new boundaries you will need to put in place to protect yourself?
- Consider your emotional, physical, and sexual needs at this time.
- Are there any boundaries relating to your children, friends, or family that you need to implement?
- Outline any other special needs you have at this time.
Section 9: Closing
- Close by acknowledging that this letter will likely be hard for your partner to hear.
- Let your partner know that the purpose of this letter was to share your feelings about the addiction and your relationship moving forward.
- Thank your partner for listening to the letter.
Sample Impact Letter
Dear Ron,
I am writing this letter so you will have a better understanding of how your infidelity over the course of our marriage has affected me. My hope is that if you hear my feelings about your behavior, especially the lies, secrets, and manipulation, you will 'get it' as far as why I'm angry one minute, afraid the next, and happy the next. My deepest hope is that you will finally feel some empathy for what I've experienced and what I continue to experience in our marriage.
For me, the worst of what you did was the covering up. The lies, the secrets, the gaslighting, and the partial admissions. In the beginning, when I told you I was worried, you told me I was imagining things. When I confronted you with actual evidence, you denied it and accused me of making things up. When you finally did admit to certain things, you denied everything else and blamed me for the things to which you admitted I continually felt betrayed and abused sometimes I felt sick to my stomach. And the fact that several times you told me I knew everything and there was nothing more to know, but then I found out that was not true, made all of this worse. The months of staggered disclosure made it impossible for me to trust you and even to trust myself Even after therapeutic disclosure, I find it hard to trust that you've finally told me everything.
My emotional state was a mess from the moment I first suspected you might be cheating. And when I started to see evidence that confirmed my suspicions, I was all over the place. One minute I thought it couldn't be true, the next I couldn't understand how the one person in the world who is supposed to have my back could betray me. This rollercoaster continues today, and I hate it. I feel like the fact that I can't control my emotions is my fault, and blaming myself in this way feels like yet another injury that you've perpetrated on me.
Your sexual addiction and betrayal have affected every aspect of my life. I'm short-tempered with the kids and they don't know why. I'm worried they think they're the ones who've done something wrong. That is incredibly unfair to them. I also worry about all the money you spent on your addiction, and all the money we're spending now on your recovery and on healing our damaged relationship. Worst of all, I feel like I'm so obsessed with the betrayal that I can't focus on life. Our home does not look the way it once did, the meals I serve are not as good as they used to be, and sometimes I just plain forget to do things, which never happened before the betrayal.
When you were having the affair with Janet, I knew about it, but you repeatedly told me it was over And then you would get angry with me and tell me if I wasn't such a nag, you wouldn't need other women for support. You also said horrible things about my looks. You made me feel small and unworthy. You made me feel as if I didn't have a right to be angry. You engaged in the same belittling behaviors when I confronted you about your porn use, the hookup apps on your phone, and other indicators that you were cheating. You put me dawn and you kept me confused to keep me in our marriage and make me feel like our problems were all my fault, even though you were the one cheating.
The times when you just flat out lied to me and told me my mind was playing tricks on me, despite plenty of evidence you really were cheating, I wanted to believe you. I tried to believe you. But this did not mesh with reality as I was experiencing it. Sometimes I thought I was going crazy. I didn't know what was real and what wasn't.
The worst part of your betrayal was that I started to blame myself I thought maybe I wasn't attractive enough, or loving enough, or a good enough wife, and that's why you did what you did. It ruined my self-esteem. When I knew you were using porn, I tried to lose weight and dress differently because I thought I was too fat and had let myself go. I starved myself and got horrible headaches, and I was filled with anxiety about my appearance.
Before the betrayal, I truly believed we had an ideal marriage—a nice house, great kids, and enough money to live comfortably. That's all I ever wanted. But then I found out it was all a lie. I feel like we've forever lost the marriage and life I thought we had. I feel like our life together is forever divided into before the cheating and after the cheating, and I will never be able to trust you the way I did before, that I will never be as comfortable in our relationship as I once was, that I will never be able to enjoy sex with you the way I once did, that I will never feel as comfortable with my own sexuality as I once did. I will always wonder, when we're together sexually, if you're really `there' or if your mind is thinking about someone else.
I feel tremendous shame about what happened, like I somehow failed as a wife. And I worry about what other people know or suspect. I find myself lying to my family and yours because I don't want my family to judge me for staying with you, or your family to judge me for somehow causing you to behave this way. I've also been keeping secrets from my friends because I don't want them to know what happened, even though I know they will support me. Feeling like I need to be dishonest in this way is harming my self-esteem and sense of sell I've always prided myself on my honesty, and now I can't. I feel like I'm lying, keeping secrets, and manipulating the same as you, and that really bothers me because your lies, secrets, and manipulation hurt me and our relationship more than the actual sex behaviors you engaged in.
Your betrayal has ruined my ability to trust anything you've ever said or done. Did you ever really love me? Did you ever really care about me? It has also ruined my ability to trust others. It's not just you that I struggle to trust; it's everyone. And the fact that you continually told me bits and pieces of the story, without ever getting fully honest until formal therapeutic disclosure, made everything worse. It hurt more and more every time I found out about something else that you did It's like you were poking a bruise. And now the pain of that bruise is affecting all my relationships.
My hope is that over time you will establish solid sexual sobriety and we will rebuild trust in our relationship. For that to happen, you will need to be diligent in your recovery and honest not only with me but with everyone in all aspects of your life. I need to know that you are going to therapy and 12-step meetings, and that you are doing the work required. If you slip up and fail to be honest with me, I need you to come clean about that within 24 hours.
I also need you to accept that I'm riding an emotional rollercoaster and it's not my fault. I need you to develop some empathy for what I've experienced and continue to experience. I need you to not blame me or get angry with me when my emotions are out of control.
I know that we will never have the relationship we had before your cheating, but maybe we can have something different that ultimately is better, more intimate, and longer-lasting. lam encouraged by the steps you have taken to overcome your addiction and repair our relationship. I also feel good about the healing work I'm doing. I want to love and respect you with all my heart and I want you to do the same for me. If we can both do that, we will not only survive, we will thrive.
Love,
Marie
When your impact letter is complete, it's time to share it with your partner. This should be done with the support of your therapist. These professionals can provide you and your partner with important feedback and much-needed support. Plus, having additional witnesses to your pain and sorrow can be healing.
Betraying partners, please understand that listening to this letter will likely be the most difficult part of the healing process for you. Your betrayed partner needs you to understand his or her pain in order to heal, and you need to understand your partner's pain to fully recover. So please try to stay emotionally present and attuned to your partner, no matter how difficult that turns out to be.
Emotional Restitution Letter - written by the betrayer
Betraying partners, you just witnessed and heard your betrayed partner express deep pain around your behavior. Now it's time for you to make emotional restitution. The process of making emotional restitution involves a written response to your betrayed partner's impact letter, followed with actions to back that up. The goal here is to let your partner know that you understand the depths of their pain, to express remorse, and to demonstrate accountability for your actions and a willingness to change.
It is important that throughout your emotional restitution letter that you maintain an attitude of taking responsibility for your behavior. It is also important that you take the time to be thorough, and that you put a lot of effort into showing your partner that you truly understand the harms done, that you take your personal and relationship healing incredibly seriously, and that you intend for betrayal to never happen again.
Here are some important guidelines for writing this letter:
Note to Betrayed Partners: Please keep in mind it may be difficult for your betraying partner to work on this letter. Please give your partner space and quiet time if that is needed, and offer your support in any way that you can.
Topic I: The Impact of Disclosure
Reflect on your betrayed partner's experience of the disclosure process. Validate your partner's reality around disclosure and take ownership of the pain you caused. Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes by imagining how he or she felt during this time. Respond with empathy. Normalize your partner's trauma responses to the disclosure process. Acknowledge and own any manipulations that may have occurred during the disclosure process and any attempts you made to minimize your role in your behaviors.
Topic 2: Validation of Betrayed Partner Consequences
In your betrayed partner's impact letter, he or she discussed the different areas of life that were impacted by your betrayal and the consequences they experienced, such as physical health consequences, psychological consequences, spiritual consequences, sexual consequences, professional consequences, and consequences to the children (if applicable). Take time to reflect on those areas of life and what that must have been like for your partner. Respond to the specific losses your partner experienced and reflect on how difficult this must have been. Share what it was like for you to watch your partner experience those losses as a result of your behavior and your betrayal.
Topic 3: Validation of Your Deception
For your betrayed partner, the deception related to your betrayal was likely the most painful aspect of your behavior. Your lies and secrets destroyed relationship trust and carved a deep wound in the heart of your partner. In your betrayed partner's impact letter, they identified the most painful and destructive lies that you told during the betrayal. In this section, take ownership and accountability for that destructive behavior. Validate how confusing this must have been for your partner to hear about your double life. Try to reflect on what this must have been like and provide empathy. In your effort to deny your behavior and keep the secret you may have been guilt of gaslighting your partner causing them to feel that they couldn’t trust their own reality. Take ownership of these harmful behaviors.
Topic 4: Validation that Your Partner is Not to Blame
It is normal for betrayed partners to believe they are somehow at fault for the betrayal. They may feel as if they weren't attractive enough or sexy enough, or they did something to push you, the betraying partner, into betrayal. This is often compounded by your attempts to shift the blame for your choices onto your partner. As such, it is important for you to take full responsibility for your betrayal. Taking responsibility does not mean you're at fault for all the problems in your relationship; it means that you are responsible for the choice to betray. It also means that you understand you need to work on healing the betrayal before you and your betrayed partner address any other relationship issues.
Let your betrayed partner know there was nothing he or she did or didn't do that caused your actions. If you have a sex or pornography addiction, it is often helpful to provide a brief explanation of what you feel did contribute to the development of your addiction (such as early exposure to pornography, unresolved early-life trauma and abuse, etc.) It is important that you do not make these contributing.
factors sound like an excuse for your behavior; accountability language is crucial here. If you do refer to your trauma history and other underlying issues, it's important to remember that this is not about portraying yourself as a victim; it's about explaining that your betrayal had nothing to do with your partner.
Topic 5: Validation of Damage to Your Partner's Sexuality
Betrayal can interfere with the most sacred part of your partner, his or her sense of self and sexuality. After learning of your behavior, your betrayed partner likely has many doubts about what that means for sexual intimacy between the two of you. Your partner may have PTSD images of your behavior in his or her mind, and these images may cause your partner to feel insecure and to experience body image issues.
Your betrayed partner may also feel that now that you're both trying to heal and stay together, they are obligated to have sex with you—despite feeling unaroused (at least initially) by the thought of being sexual with you. It is important, as the betraying partner, that you understand that when relationship trust is broken, that loss of trust can interfere with your betrayed partner's feelings of attraction toward you, and his or her feelings about sex in general. If your betrayed partner seems uninterested in sex at this time, you need to let him or her know that's okay, and you're willing to wait until trust is restored and he or she starts to once again feel an attraction toward you.
Every betrayed partner is unique and different in his or her responses. Take a moment to reflect on how your betrayal has impacted your partner's sexuality. What feelings come up for you, knowing that you have wounded this part of your partner? Try to express your feelings with compassion and understanding. Respond to the specific issues your partner raised in his or her impact letter regarding this issue. State how you commit to supporting your partner around this It is important that you express your willingness to work on this and to be patient with whatever your betrayed partner needs.
Topic 6: Validation of Feelings of Shame and Embarrassment
Your betrayed partner may fear that people are judging them for staying with you, or that they're making assumptions about your relationship based on the betrayal. This type of public embarrassment, whether it's real or perceived, can be extremely upsetting. Reflect on what this must be like for your partner. When you think about the embarrassment, shame, and fear you have caused your partner, what thoughts come to mind for you? Validate your partner's pain and share your experiences with this same issue. Again, take full accountability for bringing this pain to your partner and to your relationship.
Topic 7: Validate the Impact of the Betrayal on Your Relationship
Your relationship as you and your betrayed partner knew it is never going to be the same. Your behaviors have destroyed the trust and safety you once shared. You and your partner are going to have to rebuild a new relationship going forward. Many betrayed partners feel a lot of grief over the loss of the relationship they once had, in particular the loss of trust and safety. As such, your partner may be brokenhearted over promises you broke and commitments that were not kept. Validate that your partner has every right to feel these feelings and to doubt your honesty and commitment.
Topic 8: Apology and Amends
This part of your letter is your opportunity to express remorse and apologize for your betrayal. Your betrayed partner needs to hear that you feel regret, sadness, guilt, and shame about your behavior, and that you sincerely apologize and want to make amends.
Please understand that making amends is not the same as an apology; making amends is a commitment to make things right and to behave differently in the future. So, what are your commitments going forward? Do you agree to accept your partner's boundaries and provide your partner with the support that he or she needs? Share with your partner a brief outline of your recovery plan to demonstrate what your goals are and how you are going to live your life differently. Share what values you plan to adhere to and how this will affect your thoughts and behaviors.
Sample Emotional Restitution Letter
Dear Emma:
I am writing this letter to be accountable and to own all of the ways in which I have betrayed and harmed both you and our relationship. I want to show you that I truly understand the ways in which you were injured, and I want to let you know how I plan to help you heal and how I plan to re-earn your trust. Finally,
I want to pledge my commitment to my recovery, to you, and to our marriage. I love you with all my heart, and I plan on spending the rest of my life earning your trust and co-creating our dream marriage and life together I hope you can hear that these words are coming from my heart and soul.
I fully disclosed to you the extent of my addiction and betrayal during formal disclosure. I want to confirm now that the information I provided was accurate and complete. And I want to once again acknowledge that I repeatedly lied to you, kept important secrets from you, tried to manipulate you, and even blamed you for my actions. You were not at fault. My decisions were my own, and now that I ant starting to understand how much damage and pain I was causing, I wish I had never done any of those things. I am responsible for all of that, and I am actively working to change my thinking and behavior so I don't do that to you ever again.
I know that my behavior led you to question our entire relationship, to wonder if I ever loved you at all. I also know that my betrayal has caused you to wonder if when we were romantic and physically intimate, I was really 'there with you' or if I was thinking about some other woman. I understand this, and that you now question everything about my love and our relationship. This is my fault. I caused this confusion and doubt with my addiction and deception. I know that I would feel the same if you had done to me what I did to you. I also understand that you feel less present with the kids, that you worry they are internalizing blame for the tension in our marriage and home. Again, this is entirely my fault. As are the financial losses and expenses we've experienced and continue to experience as the result of my addiction. I feel terrible watching the stress and anxiety that all of this has caused you, especially knowing it is the direct result of my betrayal.
On numerous occasions, you questioned me about what I was doing. You made it clear that any type of sexual or romantic behavior outside our marriage was unacceptable and a violation of our marriage vows. You let me know that what I was doing, even though I wasn't willing to admit to my behaviors unless you caught me red-handed, was hurting our relationship and against your values, but I ignored that and continued to act out in my addiction.
To cover up my actions, I told you that you were just making things up in your mind because you're paranoid. I minimized your fears, ignored your opinions, disregarded your questions, and stomped on your feelings. I stonewalled you when you sought the truth. I caused you to question your reality. I tried to make you think the problems we were having were your fault. I acted as if I was the victim, rather than you. I disrespected your intelligence and your intuition. I continued to engage in these behaviors, even in the face of clear evidence to the contrary.
You have asked me many times why I did these things. That is something I have wondered as well. As part of treatment and therapy, I put together a lifelong timeline of my sexual behavior, and that has helped me understand when my addiction started and a bit about how that happened My hope is that sharing this information with you will provide some explanation about my behavior This is not, however, an excuse. This does not justify my choices. There is no excuse for the betrayal I perpetrated on you and our relationship.
I first learned to self-soothe with pornography and masturbation when I was 10. I used these behaviors as a way to avoid the chaos in my home when I was growing up. When my parents were drinking or fighting, I would go into my room and shut the door and escape into images and videos and masturbation. This behavior continued until we were married. While married, after my father's death, I couldn't deal with the grief and depression, so I self-medicated by using porn again, and in other ways. Then our son developed behavioral problems, which was overwhelming, and again, rather than facing my emotions, I acted out with porn and in other ways. I did not know how to handle these life stressors in a healthy, rational way because I never learned how to do that in childhood.
I hope you can see that even though my sex addiction hurt you deeply, you were not in any way the cause of it. It started long before I met you. I at times blamed you for my behaviors, but you were not ever at fault. Your reactions to my betrayal are completely justified. The trauma of my betrayal has put you on an emotional rollercoaster and made it difficult for you to trust me or anyone else. That is on me. And the fact that prior to formal disclosure I continued to withhold and keep secrets only made this worse for you. I want you to know that I understand that and feel awful about it.
I know that my behavior has deeply impacted your sense of self and your ability to trust and enjoy sex. I also understand that you feel shame about what has happened in our marriage, even though none of this is your fault You worry about what our family and friends will think, and whether they will judge you for staying with me or somehow causing me to stray. I also worry about judgment from friends and family and how that might affect our lives. And, again, this is entirely my fault rather than yours. I have violated our relationship vows and ruined your ability to trust me and feel safe with me. I have caused you to wonder if you will ever be able to believe in me again, and I feel terrible that I've put you in this position.
From your impact letter and also from just spending time with you, I see how much my lying, secrets, and deceit hurt you. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with me in your letter and in our life. It has helped me to really hear and feel the pain I've caused you. I will read and re-read your impact letter many more times, I am sure, as I continue my recovery, and I will continue to work on developing and feeling empathy. For now, I believe I have at least the beginnings of an awareness and appreciation for what you've experienced and continue to experience.
I want to validate that your experience is legitimate. Any person who was betrayed as I betrayed you would feel the same. I know that I would if I experienced this level of betrayal and deception. Your reactions to this were and continue to be completely and utterly normal, even though I have not always been supportive of that fact. I apologize for being angry when you were on an emotional rollercoaster. I blamed and criticized you for that, even though it was my fault, not yours. I was still 'making our life all about me.
I am ashamed of these actions, as well as the actions I took while active in my addiction. I feel sad when I think about what I have done to you, our relationship, and our family. I am truly sorry for my behavior and the pain and distress I've caused. I pledge to behave differently in the future, one day at a time.
I appreciate that you have been willing to stay with me despite the pain and suffering I've caused. I appreciate that you are giving me the chance to rebuild trust and intimacy in our relationship. I appreciate and respect the fact that you need to set certain boundaries to facilitate healing, trust, and intimacy. lam committed
to the second chance you are giving me. I am committed to my own recovery. I am committed to being the man I promised I would be when we got married. I am committed to giving you as much time and space as you need to heal, and to doing whatever I can to help.
I want you to know that I am taking my addiction, my sobriety, and my process of recovery and healing seriously. I need this for myself as much as for you and our relationship and family. I do not like the man I became in my addiction, and I do not want to be that person any longer My hope is to become my true self, which is the man I promised to be when we got married. This will not happen overnight. I will need to continually work on honesty and empathy, as well as on resolving my childhood trauma so it no longer drives my behaviors. My hope is that I will do these things a little bit better each day until I can finally look at myself in the mirror and be happy with the man looking back. I will be vigilant in my life and consistent in my recovery to achieve this.
I am incredibly grateful that you have expressed a willingness to walk beside me while I do this work.
Love,
Michael
Once you have completed the writing of your Emotional Restitution Letter, you will share this with your betrayed partner, preferably in the presence of your therapist.
Amends
As stated earlier, it is important that betraying partners understand that making amends is not the same as giving an apology. Making amends means repairing the damage you've done through effort and action. An apology may be part of this, but it's only a small part.
Betraying partners should also understand that making amends for relationship betrayal is not a single event. It is a process that takes time. Often you do it without meaning to, simply by expressing remorse for what you've done and consistently engaging in reliable and trustworthy behaviors. However, if you do not stay in a place of integrity during your healing process, the process can be derailed.
It is important that throughout your emotional restitution letter that you maintain an attitude of taking responsibility for your behavior. It is also important that you take the time to be thorough, and that you put a lot of effort into showing your partner that you truly understand the harms done, that you take your personal and relationship healing incredibly seriously, and that you intend for betrayal to never happen again.
Here are some important guidelines for writing this letter:
- Respond to the specific examples outlined in your betrayed partner's impact letter. Focus on and specifically address the areas that your partner cited as being the most painful and important.
- Do not share any new information about your acting out behavior. All information should have been shared in your disclosure. If there is any new information, it should be done as an addendum to your disclosure with the support of therapists.
- Share your feelings in a truthful and genuine manner. Your betrayed partner needs to know how his or her impact letter has affected you.
- Get support while writing your letter. Share and get feedback on your letter from your therapist before sharing it with your betrayed partner.
- After sharing your emotional restitution letter with your betrayed partner, keep in mind that it will take time for your partner to absorb and process this information. Give your partner some space. Understand that he or she might need to see that the changes you are making will stand the test of time before forgiving you and trusting you again.
Note to Betrayed Partners: Please keep in mind it may be difficult for your betraying partner to work on this letter. Please give your partner space and quiet time if that is needed, and offer your support in any way that you can.
Topic I: The Impact of Disclosure
Reflect on your betrayed partner's experience of the disclosure process. Validate your partner's reality around disclosure and take ownership of the pain you caused. Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes by imagining how he or she felt during this time. Respond with empathy. Normalize your partner's trauma responses to the disclosure process. Acknowledge and own any manipulations that may have occurred during the disclosure process and any attempts you made to minimize your role in your behaviors.
Topic 2: Validation of Betrayed Partner Consequences
In your betrayed partner's impact letter, he or she discussed the different areas of life that were impacted by your betrayal and the consequences they experienced, such as physical health consequences, psychological consequences, spiritual consequences, sexual consequences, professional consequences, and consequences to the children (if applicable). Take time to reflect on those areas of life and what that must have been like for your partner. Respond to the specific losses your partner experienced and reflect on how difficult this must have been. Share what it was like for you to watch your partner experience those losses as a result of your behavior and your betrayal.
Topic 3: Validation of Your Deception
For your betrayed partner, the deception related to your betrayal was likely the most painful aspect of your behavior. Your lies and secrets destroyed relationship trust and carved a deep wound in the heart of your partner. In your betrayed partner's impact letter, they identified the most painful and destructive lies that you told during the betrayal. In this section, take ownership and accountability for that destructive behavior. Validate how confusing this must have been for your partner to hear about your double life. Try to reflect on what this must have been like and provide empathy. In your effort to deny your behavior and keep the secret you may have been guilt of gaslighting your partner causing them to feel that they couldn’t trust their own reality. Take ownership of these harmful behaviors.
Topic 4: Validation that Your Partner is Not to Blame
It is normal for betrayed partners to believe they are somehow at fault for the betrayal. They may feel as if they weren't attractive enough or sexy enough, or they did something to push you, the betraying partner, into betrayal. This is often compounded by your attempts to shift the blame for your choices onto your partner. As such, it is important for you to take full responsibility for your betrayal. Taking responsibility does not mean you're at fault for all the problems in your relationship; it means that you are responsible for the choice to betray. It also means that you understand you need to work on healing the betrayal before you and your betrayed partner address any other relationship issues.
Let your betrayed partner know there was nothing he or she did or didn't do that caused your actions. If you have a sex or pornography addiction, it is often helpful to provide a brief explanation of what you feel did contribute to the development of your addiction (such as early exposure to pornography, unresolved early-life trauma and abuse, etc.) It is important that you do not make these contributing.
factors sound like an excuse for your behavior; accountability language is crucial here. If you do refer to your trauma history and other underlying issues, it's important to remember that this is not about portraying yourself as a victim; it's about explaining that your betrayal had nothing to do with your partner.
Topic 5: Validation of Damage to Your Partner's Sexuality
Betrayal can interfere with the most sacred part of your partner, his or her sense of self and sexuality. After learning of your behavior, your betrayed partner likely has many doubts about what that means for sexual intimacy between the two of you. Your partner may have PTSD images of your behavior in his or her mind, and these images may cause your partner to feel insecure and to experience body image issues.
Your betrayed partner may also feel that now that you're both trying to heal and stay together, they are obligated to have sex with you—despite feeling unaroused (at least initially) by the thought of being sexual with you. It is important, as the betraying partner, that you understand that when relationship trust is broken, that loss of trust can interfere with your betrayed partner's feelings of attraction toward you, and his or her feelings about sex in general. If your betrayed partner seems uninterested in sex at this time, you need to let him or her know that's okay, and you're willing to wait until trust is restored and he or she starts to once again feel an attraction toward you.
Every betrayed partner is unique and different in his or her responses. Take a moment to reflect on how your betrayal has impacted your partner's sexuality. What feelings come up for you, knowing that you have wounded this part of your partner? Try to express your feelings with compassion and understanding. Respond to the specific issues your partner raised in his or her impact letter regarding this issue. State how you commit to supporting your partner around this It is important that you express your willingness to work on this and to be patient with whatever your betrayed partner needs.
Topic 6: Validation of Feelings of Shame and Embarrassment
Your betrayed partner may fear that people are judging them for staying with you, or that they're making assumptions about your relationship based on the betrayal. This type of public embarrassment, whether it's real or perceived, can be extremely upsetting. Reflect on what this must be like for your partner. When you think about the embarrassment, shame, and fear you have caused your partner, what thoughts come to mind for you? Validate your partner's pain and share your experiences with this same issue. Again, take full accountability for bringing this pain to your partner and to your relationship.
Topic 7: Validate the Impact of the Betrayal on Your Relationship
Your relationship as you and your betrayed partner knew it is never going to be the same. Your behaviors have destroyed the trust and safety you once shared. You and your partner are going to have to rebuild a new relationship going forward. Many betrayed partners feel a lot of grief over the loss of the relationship they once had, in particular the loss of trust and safety. As such, your partner may be brokenhearted over promises you broke and commitments that were not kept. Validate that your partner has every right to feel these feelings and to doubt your honesty and commitment.
Topic 8: Apology and Amends
This part of your letter is your opportunity to express remorse and apologize for your betrayal. Your betrayed partner needs to hear that you feel regret, sadness, guilt, and shame about your behavior, and that you sincerely apologize and want to make amends.
Please understand that making amends is not the same as an apology; making amends is a commitment to make things right and to behave differently in the future. So, what are your commitments going forward? Do you agree to accept your partner's boundaries and provide your partner with the support that he or she needs? Share with your partner a brief outline of your recovery plan to demonstrate what your goals are and how you are going to live your life differently. Share what values you plan to adhere to and how this will affect your thoughts and behaviors.
Sample Emotional Restitution Letter
Dear Emma:
I am writing this letter to be accountable and to own all of the ways in which I have betrayed and harmed both you and our relationship. I want to show you that I truly understand the ways in which you were injured, and I want to let you know how I plan to help you heal and how I plan to re-earn your trust. Finally,
I want to pledge my commitment to my recovery, to you, and to our marriage. I love you with all my heart, and I plan on spending the rest of my life earning your trust and co-creating our dream marriage and life together I hope you can hear that these words are coming from my heart and soul.
I fully disclosed to you the extent of my addiction and betrayal during formal disclosure. I want to confirm now that the information I provided was accurate and complete. And I want to once again acknowledge that I repeatedly lied to you, kept important secrets from you, tried to manipulate you, and even blamed you for my actions. You were not at fault. My decisions were my own, and now that I ant starting to understand how much damage and pain I was causing, I wish I had never done any of those things. I am responsible for all of that, and I am actively working to change my thinking and behavior so I don't do that to you ever again.
I know that my behavior led you to question our entire relationship, to wonder if I ever loved you at all. I also know that my betrayal has caused you to wonder if when we were romantic and physically intimate, I was really 'there with you' or if I was thinking about some other woman. I understand this, and that you now question everything about my love and our relationship. This is my fault. I caused this confusion and doubt with my addiction and deception. I know that I would feel the same if you had done to me what I did to you. I also understand that you feel less present with the kids, that you worry they are internalizing blame for the tension in our marriage and home. Again, this is entirely my fault. As are the financial losses and expenses we've experienced and continue to experience as the result of my addiction. I feel terrible watching the stress and anxiety that all of this has caused you, especially knowing it is the direct result of my betrayal.
On numerous occasions, you questioned me about what I was doing. You made it clear that any type of sexual or romantic behavior outside our marriage was unacceptable and a violation of our marriage vows. You let me know that what I was doing, even though I wasn't willing to admit to my behaviors unless you caught me red-handed, was hurting our relationship and against your values, but I ignored that and continued to act out in my addiction.
To cover up my actions, I told you that you were just making things up in your mind because you're paranoid. I minimized your fears, ignored your opinions, disregarded your questions, and stomped on your feelings. I stonewalled you when you sought the truth. I caused you to question your reality. I tried to make you think the problems we were having were your fault. I acted as if I was the victim, rather than you. I disrespected your intelligence and your intuition. I continued to engage in these behaviors, even in the face of clear evidence to the contrary.
You have asked me many times why I did these things. That is something I have wondered as well. As part of treatment and therapy, I put together a lifelong timeline of my sexual behavior, and that has helped me understand when my addiction started and a bit about how that happened My hope is that sharing this information with you will provide some explanation about my behavior This is not, however, an excuse. This does not justify my choices. There is no excuse for the betrayal I perpetrated on you and our relationship.
I first learned to self-soothe with pornography and masturbation when I was 10. I used these behaviors as a way to avoid the chaos in my home when I was growing up. When my parents were drinking or fighting, I would go into my room and shut the door and escape into images and videos and masturbation. This behavior continued until we were married. While married, after my father's death, I couldn't deal with the grief and depression, so I self-medicated by using porn again, and in other ways. Then our son developed behavioral problems, which was overwhelming, and again, rather than facing my emotions, I acted out with porn and in other ways. I did not know how to handle these life stressors in a healthy, rational way because I never learned how to do that in childhood.
I hope you can see that even though my sex addiction hurt you deeply, you were not in any way the cause of it. It started long before I met you. I at times blamed you for my behaviors, but you were not ever at fault. Your reactions to my betrayal are completely justified. The trauma of my betrayal has put you on an emotional rollercoaster and made it difficult for you to trust me or anyone else. That is on me. And the fact that prior to formal disclosure I continued to withhold and keep secrets only made this worse for you. I want you to know that I understand that and feel awful about it.
I know that my behavior has deeply impacted your sense of self and your ability to trust and enjoy sex. I also understand that you feel shame about what has happened in our marriage, even though none of this is your fault You worry about what our family and friends will think, and whether they will judge you for staying with me or somehow causing me to stray. I also worry about judgment from friends and family and how that might affect our lives. And, again, this is entirely my fault rather than yours. I have violated our relationship vows and ruined your ability to trust me and feel safe with me. I have caused you to wonder if you will ever be able to believe in me again, and I feel terrible that I've put you in this position.
From your impact letter and also from just spending time with you, I see how much my lying, secrets, and deceit hurt you. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with me in your letter and in our life. It has helped me to really hear and feel the pain I've caused you. I will read and re-read your impact letter many more times, I am sure, as I continue my recovery, and I will continue to work on developing and feeling empathy. For now, I believe I have at least the beginnings of an awareness and appreciation for what you've experienced and continue to experience.
I want to validate that your experience is legitimate. Any person who was betrayed as I betrayed you would feel the same. I know that I would if I experienced this level of betrayal and deception. Your reactions to this were and continue to be completely and utterly normal, even though I have not always been supportive of that fact. I apologize for being angry when you were on an emotional rollercoaster. I blamed and criticized you for that, even though it was my fault, not yours. I was still 'making our life all about me.
I am ashamed of these actions, as well as the actions I took while active in my addiction. I feel sad when I think about what I have done to you, our relationship, and our family. I am truly sorry for my behavior and the pain and distress I've caused. I pledge to behave differently in the future, one day at a time.
I appreciate that you have been willing to stay with me despite the pain and suffering I've caused. I appreciate that you are giving me the chance to rebuild trust and intimacy in our relationship. I appreciate and respect the fact that you need to set certain boundaries to facilitate healing, trust, and intimacy. lam committed
to the second chance you are giving me. I am committed to my own recovery. I am committed to being the man I promised I would be when we got married. I am committed to giving you as much time and space as you need to heal, and to doing whatever I can to help.
I want you to know that I am taking my addiction, my sobriety, and my process of recovery and healing seriously. I need this for myself as much as for you and our relationship and family. I do not like the man I became in my addiction, and I do not want to be that person any longer My hope is to become my true self, which is the man I promised to be when we got married. This will not happen overnight. I will need to continually work on honesty and empathy, as well as on resolving my childhood trauma so it no longer drives my behaviors. My hope is that I will do these things a little bit better each day until I can finally look at myself in the mirror and be happy with the man looking back. I will be vigilant in my life and consistent in my recovery to achieve this.
I am incredibly grateful that you have expressed a willingness to walk beside me while I do this work.
Love,
Michael
Once you have completed the writing of your Emotional Restitution Letter, you will share this with your betrayed partner, preferably in the presence of your therapist.
Amends
As stated earlier, it is important that betraying partners understand that making amends is not the same as giving an apology. Making amends means repairing the damage you've done through effort and action. An apology may be part of this, but it's only a small part.
Betraying partners should also understand that making amends for relationship betrayal is not a single event. It is a process that takes time. Often you do it without meaning to, simply by expressing remorse for what you've done and consistently engaging in reliable and trustworthy behaviors. However, if you do not stay in a place of integrity during your healing process, the process can be derailed.