Date or Soul Mate?: How to Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less
by Neil Clark Warren
Differences That You Must Not Overlook
SEVEN SIGNIFICANT SIMILARITIES
1. SPIRITUAL HARMONY
2. DESIRE FOR VERBAL INTIMACY AND ABILITY TO BE INTIMATE
4. LEVEL OF AMBITION
5. EXPECTATIONS ABOUT ROLES
6. INTERESTS
7. PERSONAL HABITS
Selection of a Marriage Partner - 29 Critical Matching Variables
To no one’s surprise, marriage is in deep trouble in our society. Consider these five statistics:
THE RADICAL IMPORTANCE OF SELECTION
Selecting a marriage partner is the most important marital decision any person will ever make. When this decision is made well, with full regard for its complexity, marriages end up being satisfying a high percentage of the time. But when it is made too quickly, with too little information, even by well-meaning persons, the marriage will be tested—early and frequently. Our research indicates that seventy-five percent of all marriages that end in separation, divorce, or unhappiness were in trouble the day they began. The two people involved simply married the wrong marriage partners. Could they have done better? Without question! There has been little attention focused on the complex task of choosing a marriage partner. The empirical research on the subject is vastly inadequate. Our research has isolated twenty-nine variables that need to be screened, matched and managed for a couple to feel that they have a “soul mate” relationship. The following list of factors are the result of eharmony’s research involving some five thousand married persons.
GROUP NUMBER ONE: SCREENING DIMENSIONS
GROUP NUMBER TWO: CORE PERSONAL DIMENSIONS, REPRESENTING CHARACTERISTICS RELATIVELY DIFFICULT TO ALTER
GROUP NUMBER THREE: NECESSARY SKILLS THAT CAN BE DEVELOPED IN THE BUILDING OF A STRONGER MARRIAGE
GROUP NUMBER FOUR: CRUCIAL QUALITIES THAT CAN DEVELOP AS A CONSEQUENCE OF THE CAREFUL MANAGEMENT OF ONE’S EMOTIONAL LIFE
The Fifty Most Popular Must-Haves
TRAITS
1. Chemistry. I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.
2. Communicator. I must have someone who is good at both talking and listening.
3. Sense of Humor. I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
4. Verbal Intimacy. I must know that my partner likes sharing his or her deepest emotional thoughts and desires.
5. Emotionally Healthy. I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy and able to share a stable life with someone else.
6. Strong Character. I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.
7. Artistic. I must have a partner who has a passion for music, literature, drama, art, and the finer things in life, either as a spectator or participant.
8. Kind. I must have a partner who is gentle and kind.
9. Educated. I must have someone whose educational achievements match my own.
10. Organized. I must have a partner who values structure in his or her life. 11. Exciting. I must have someone who isn’t afraid to take a risk and who sees life as an adventure.
12. Patient. I must have someone who can handle life’s frustrations or momentary setbacks with a patient, steady demeanor.
13. Tolerant. I must have a partner who is able to hear and appreciate divergent viewpoints.
14. Conflict Resolver. I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts within our relationship.
15. Attractive. I must have a partner who is considered “attractive” by most current standards.
16. Personal Habits. I must have a partner who maintains high standards of personal hygiene, orderliness, and other personal habits.
17. Affectionate. I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
18. Industrious. I must have someone who is willing to work hard at whatever they do.
19. Energy Level. I must have someone whose energy level matches my own.
20. Emotionally Generous. I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies, and love.
21. Intellectual. I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
22. Self-Confident. I must have a partner who knows and believes in himself or herself throughout life’s ups and downs.
23. Unassuming. I must have someone who is able to accept criticism and even admit to being wrong sometimes.
24. Able to Accept Help. I must have a partner who is willing to accept outside help for personal or relationship issues that are serious and important.
25. Curious. I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge, and who strives to learn as much as possible.
26. Loyal. I must have someone I can count on to always be in my corner.
27. Adaptable. I must have a partner who is able to adapt to life’s surprises.
VALUES
28. Family Life. I must have a partner who is committed to marriage, home, and family.
29. Shared Interests. I must have someone who is willing to share my interests and passions.
30. Style and Appearance. I must have someone who cares about the way they look and dress and has a sense of personal style.
31. Shared Politics. I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
32. Spirit of Volunteerism. I must have a partner who shares my willingness to volunteer and support community and/ or social causes.
FAMILY
33. No Children. I must have someone who shares my desire not to have children.
34. Family. I must have someone who shares my desire to have or adopt children.
35. Stepchildren. I must have someone who will accept my children as his or her own.
36. Parenting Style. I must have someone who shares my views about how to raise children.
37. Parent Care. I must have someone who is willing to help me take care of my parents, now or when the time comes.
SOCIAL LIVING
38. Staying In. I must have a partner who mainly enjoys staying in together and having quiet evenings alone or with close friends.
39. Sociability. I must have a partner who loves to socialize with lots of different people.
40 Autonomy. I must have a partner who will give me space to be my own person.
SPIRITUALITY
41. Spirituality. I must have someone with a similar deep commitment to spirituality and who shares my beliefs.
42. Religious Practice. My partner must be committed to being an active member of a church, temple, or congregation.
43. Spiritual Acceptance. My partner must accept and respect my spiritual beliefs, whether he or she shares them or not.
FINANCIAL / CAREER
44. Responsible. My partner must be financially responsible.
45. Ambitious. I must have a partner who shares my desire to achieve high financial and/ or career goals.
46. Relaxed. I must have a partner who is able to forget about money and focus on the important parts of life.
SEXUALITY
47. Abstinent. I must have a spouse who has saved himself or herself sexually for marriage.
48. Traditional. I must have someone who is reserved and traditional in his or her sexual needs.
49. Sexually Knowledgeable. I must have someone who is mature and knowledgeable as a potential sexual partner, and is able to express himself or herself freely.
50. Passionate. I must have someone who is willing to explore our sexual desires with passion and understanding.
The Fifty Most Prevalent Can’t-Stands
TRAITS
1. Vanity. I can’t stand someone who is overly interested in his or her physical appearance.
2. Dependent. I can’t stand someone who bases his or her happiness on me.
3. Depressed. I can’t stand someone who is constantly unhappy about his or her life.
4. Lying. I can’t stand someone who lies to anyone—especially to me.
5. Cheating. I can’t stand someone who takes advantage of people.
6. Cynical. I can’t stand someone who generally sees the world from a cynical perspective.
7. Angry. I can’t stand someone who can’t manage his or her anger, who yells or bottles it up inside.
8. Self-Centered. I can’t stand someone whose main topic of conversation is himself or herself.
9. Rude. I can’t stand someone who is belittling, impatient, or hateful to people in any situation.
10. Unhappy at Work. I can’t stand someone who hates his or her job and complains about it all the time.
11. Materialistic. I can’t stand someone who sees material items as a measure of success.
12. Denying. I can’t stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault in his or her own actions.
13. Workaholic. I can’t stand someone who treats everything in life as secondary to his or her job.
14. Lazy. I can’t stand someone who likes to spend excessive time sleeping, resting, or being a “couchpotato.”
15. Worrying. I can’t stand someone who easily loses perspective and constantly worries.
16. Intolerant. While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can’t stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that his or her particular faith is the only one that matters.
17. Victim Mentality. While everyone has times of self-pity, I can’t stand someone who continually sees himself or herself as a victim.
18. Grudges. I can’t stand someone who has a chip on his or her shoulder.
19. Mean-Spirited. I can’t stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
20. Childish. I can’t stand someone who is not emotionally mature.
21. Fiscally Irresponsible. I can’t stand someone who is incapable of managing his or her money.
22. Petty. I can’t stand someone who focuses on imperfection.
23. Hypochondriac. I can’t stand someone who has a general disposition of sickness and is constantly treating the symptoms of his or her supposed illness.
24. Boorish. I can’t stand someone who is inclined to rowdy, vulgar, or disrespectful behavior when “having fun.”
25. Excessively Overweight. I can’t stand someone who is overweight.
26. Gambling. I can’t stand someone who gambles.
27. Drugs. I can’t stand someone who uses illegal recreational drugs.
28. Intruding Family / Friends. I can’t stand someone whose relatives and friends are constantly calling or visiting.
VALUES
29. Punctuality. I can’t stand someone who is always late.
30. Flirts. I can’t stand someone who constantly flirts with the opposite sex.
31. Racist. I can’t stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which he or she belongs is superior to the rest of humanity.
32. Television Junkie. I can’t stand someone who constantly watches television.
33. Poor Hygiene. I can’t stand someone who is not clean.
34. Hypocrites. I can’t stand someone who holds a double standard for his or her actions and those of other people.
35. Gossip. I can’t stand someone who loves to talk about other people.
36. Judgmental. I can’t stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.
37 Pornography. I can’t stand someone who views or owns pornography in any form.
38. Addictions. I can’t stand someone who currently suffers from an addiction.
39. Sloppy. I can’t stand someone who is unkempt.
40. Undependable. I can’t stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
41. Cheap. I can’t stand someone who is so tightfisted as to be impractical.
42. Foul-Mouthed. I can’t stand someone who swears or uses inappropriate language or humor.
43. Arrogant. I can’t stand someone who is obnoxiously cocky.
44. Extremely Shy. I can’t stand someone who is so shy that he or she cannot open up and share with me.
45. Pessimism. I can’t stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.
46. Political Correctness. I can’t stand someone who censors his or her thoughts and opinions with a politically correct agenda.
47. Recklessness. I can’t stand someone who has a careless and irresponsible manner with others.
48. Sexually Obsessed. I can’t stand someone who is sexually obsessive.
49. Uninterested. I can’t stand someone who does not enjoy having sex on a regular basis.
50. Infidelity. I can’t stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
by Neil Clark Warren
Differences That You Must Not Overlook
SEVEN SIGNIFICANT SIMILARITIES
- I have counseled hundreds of couples who were thinking about getting married, and I have kept track of many of them through the years. I have carefully noted their similarities and dissimilarities, and I’ve come to believe that certain key similarities contribute in an unusually profound way to marital success. I want to spell out for you the seven most crucial ones.
1. SPIRITUAL HARMONY
- If you are deeply spiritual and the person you think about marrying has almost no spiritual interest, the two of you are bound to encounter a barrier that separates you. If you do, you will frequently experience a deep sense of frustration that borders on agony. Spirituality relates to central life functioning. If one person has a major spiritual interest and strongly held beliefs, and the other person feels indifferent and dispassionate toward this area, trouble is sure to ensue. But here is a paradoxical fact: Spirituality may not be a crucial similarity if neither partner has any spiritual interests—and never expects to have any. Interestingly, however, most couples who stay together over a long period of time do develop a more pressing spiritual curiosity. So spiritual interest is certainly worth considering; it definitely is if you have a keen spiritual interest now or think you may in the future.
2. DESIRE FOR VERBAL INTIMACY AND ABILITY TO BE INTIMATE
- Intimacy has the potential for lifting you and your lover out of the lonely world of separateness and into the stratosphere of emotional oneness. But if two people have a significantly different level of desire for intimacy, the relationship will surely suffer. Moreover, even if their desire for intimacy is similar, the relationship can be painfully frustrating if one person knows how to foster intimacy and the other person doesn’t. Since intimacy for two people refers to the sharing of their deepest feelings, thoughts, dreams, fears, and yearnings, it requires that both people be able to do at least three things well.
- First, each person must be able to access these thoughts and feelings way down at the center of him-or herself.
- Second, having once located all of this sensitive material, the man or woman must be able to put it into words and be courageous enough to verbalize it to another person.
- Third, each person must be able to listen accurately and intently, thus making the other person feel understood and valued.
- First, each person must be able to access these thoughts and feelings way down at the center of him-or herself.
- When two people have a mutual interest in developing intimacy and the ability to do so, they will automatically become bonded, fused, and merged with each other. They will literally interlace the most important inner parts of themselves. This leads them to become what the Bible calls “one flesh”—the sense that their identities overlap, that the two of them become as one.
- Some couples who get into trouble with each other come from very similar backgrounds and have highly similar values. But if they have energy levels that are dissimilar, they will suffer all the troubles experienced by people who are much less similar than they are. If you date a person who seems lethargic, try to figure out what the problem is. There is always a physical or psychological reason for lethargy. If it’s a biochemical cause, it needs to be treated—and long before you engage in a serious dating relationship with them. On the other hand, if you date someone who is manic—someone with so much energy they can hardly control themselves—the long-term consequences can be just as serious. A manic-depressive illness can be treated with medication, and it must be for a marriage to work. But perhaps even more important is the experience of dating someone who is neither “pathologically” up nor down, but whose energy is significantly more or less than yours. Treat this matter with great seriousness!
4. LEVEL OF AMBITION
- Our society highlights every person’s ambition. If you have little or none, it quickly becomes obvious. And if you have a lot, it will be just as apparent. Are you content to put in your forty-hour workweek, come home and unwind, and involve yourself in sports or gardening or a musical instrument? If you are, you need to marry someone who has the same amount of ambition. But if you are a get-up-and-go kind of person, someone who wants to rise to the next career level as soon as you can, someone who is motivated by goals and lofty dreams for the future, you need to find someone with similar ambition. I have seldom encountered two people with very different ambition levels who found living with each other anything other than painful.
5. EXPECTATIONS ABOUT ROLES
- This means both partners have compatible ideas about their duties and responsibilities in the relationship and household. In this time of great change in men’s and women’s roles within a marriage, I have seen happy couples with a variety of viewpoints on this issue. I know a man who resigned from his executive position to take care of the kids and the home while his wife works fulltime. They seem remarkably happy with their arrangement. On the other hand, a number of my friends seem to be moving toward an equal distribution of work. Both partners work almost the same number of hours outside the home, and they divide the household chores. They appear happy, too. And some of the couples I know are quite traditional—the wife takes care of the kids and the household while the husband earns a living for them. The point is, if both people agree on the work distribution and roles they will fulfill, it doesn’t matter which variation they choose. But if they don’t agree, there’s a big price to be paid!
6. INTERESTS
- When there are several things two people enjoy doing together, they have a large field on which they can happily play the game of life. I have always held that it is best if these interests reach across categories. For instance, if all five of the couple’s common interests are athletic, it will be less beneficial to the relationship than if the five are spread across music, sports, theater, reading, and travel. If you date a new person, one of the first things you can find out is what their major interests are. You probably won’t have trouble finding out this information, since most people love to talk about their hobbies and passions. If you find that two or three of the person’s interests overlap with your own, that’s a great start to a relationship. But if your interests don’t overlap at all, the relationship doesn’t have much of a chance.
7. PERSONAL HABITS
- Most personal habits seem so trivial and inconsequential when you’re dating. But when you get married and live with someone every day, these little habits become magnified. Here are some examples of habits that can create conflict: punctuality, cleanliness, orderliness, dependability, responsibility, and weight management. We could mention dozens of other habits each person needs to consider before committing to a lifelong relationship. Watch closely for habits that may grate on your nerves.
Selection of a Marriage Partner - 29 Critical Matching Variables
To no one’s surprise, marriage is in deep trouble in our society. Consider these five statistics:
- Of all first marriages, only 25 percent both endure and are happy.
- In more than half of all marriages, at least one person has been married before, and in about 15 percent of all marriages, at least one person has been married three or more times.
- Twenty percent of all first marriages fail within five years of the wedding date. Thirty-three percent fail within ten years. And forty-three percent fail within fifteen years.
- Seventy percent of all persons in our society have been impacted by divorce—either the divorce of their parents or their own.
- While a majority of persons choose their marriage partners on the basis of appearance and chemistry, the fact is that seventy-five to eighty percent of all chemistry evaporates within six to eight months unless the relationship is significantly undergirded by deeper and more durable compatibility.
THE RADICAL IMPORTANCE OF SELECTION
Selecting a marriage partner is the most important marital decision any person will ever make. When this decision is made well, with full regard for its complexity, marriages end up being satisfying a high percentage of the time. But when it is made too quickly, with too little information, even by well-meaning persons, the marriage will be tested—early and frequently. Our research indicates that seventy-five percent of all marriages that end in separation, divorce, or unhappiness were in trouble the day they began. The two people involved simply married the wrong marriage partners. Could they have done better? Without question! There has been little attention focused on the complex task of choosing a marriage partner. The empirical research on the subject is vastly inadequate. Our research has isolated twenty-nine variables that need to be screened, matched and managed for a couple to feel that they have a “soul mate” relationship. The following list of factors are the result of eharmony’s research involving some five thousand married persons.
GROUP NUMBER ONE: SCREENING DIMENSIONS
- Good Character. No marriage will ever thrive if one of the partners is not of “good character.” Character, as used here, relates to one’s integrity; it has to do, primarily, with honesty. A “character disorder,” for instance, refers to the tendency of a person to “lie, cheat, and steal” in an effort to gain personal advantage. The first matter that needs to be screened is the character of both persons.
- Quality of Self Conception. All emotional health begins with a well-developed self-concept. In a marriage, if both persons know themselves well as individuals, even in their deep places, and if each of them takes ownership of all the parts of themselves, their individual “self strength” will provide a strong foundation for building a life together in partnership under even difficult circumstances.
- Absence of Emotional Red Flags. No addictions, no neuroses, no thought disorders, and no affect disorders. The presence of any one of these “pathological conditions” can jeopardize marital success. No marriage should ever be initiated until all of these red flags have been fully dealt with. To expect that the marriage will cause a person to e.g., “get over their drinking problem,” is an expectation long on fantasy and short on reality.
- Anger Management. More marriages break up every year because two people do not know how to manage their anger in relation to each other than because of any other single reason. Since literally everybody has anger, and since it can so easily be mismanaged in an intimate relationship, careful attention should be paid to the level of mastery each person has over this area. If either partner has any history of anger mismanagement (explosiveness, somatization, turning it on their own psyche, or underhandedness), this will cause major problems in the marital relationship.
- Obstreperousness. One quality that can destroy a marriage is a critical attitude. Even if this attitude is largely independent of the other person’s actions, it can become a constant source of marital stress. One quality that should be looked at for both potential partners, prior to marriage, is the tendency to find fault, to attribute blame, to make the other person wrong, and to need to portray oneself as always “right.” This quality is highly related to one’s score on an “optimism-pessimism” scale. The more pessimistic a person is, the more likely they are to be obstreperous.
- Understandings About Family. The parenting of children requires a deep and lasting commitment. The urge to do this, or not do it, usually emerges from a central and highly personal inner place. It is absolutely crucial for matching partners to have this dimension well discussed and decided prior to any serious dating relationship, let alone a committed marriage. If one person has a strong desire to be a parent and the other has none, the match will likely be a poor one, however well the other dimensions are harmonized. In this day of so many second and third pairings, the question of whether one party is willing and eager to share in the parenting task, perhaps as a stepparent, is equally critical. The corresponding matter of how much authority the new parent will have is a vital factor as well. Finally, if it is a given that children will be involved in the family, careful attention should be given to preferred styles of parenting.
- Family Background. If one or both of the persons has been raised in a dysfunctional family atmosphere, there needs to be adequate evidence that the impact of this emotional atmosphere has been recognized and worked through. Moreover, each person needs to come to their contemplated partnership with the support of their primary figures—or a full understanding of why that support is not available. Finally, each person needs to ascertain whether their “in-law” relationships will be positive influences, and if not, whether they can be managed effectively.
GROUP NUMBER TWO: CORE PERSONAL DIMENSIONS, REPRESENTING CHARACTERISTICS RELATIVELY DIFFICULT TO ALTER
- Intellect. There is a considerable body of clinical and empirical data that indicates the importance of intellectual equality in a marital partnership. There is no evidence that two people do better in marriage if they are extremely bright, but there is evidence that they need to be at a similar intellectual level, whatever that level may be. Technically, there is a general rule that there should be no more than one standard deviation of difference in the intelligence level of the two persons.
- Energy. Marriages tend to be more successful when the energy levels of two partners are similar. If one person is highly energized and the other person is considerably lower on energy, there is bound to be difficulty. Although the amount of energy a person has is often indicative of emotional health, two people with relatively low energy can form a positive relationship if both of them are quite accepting of the other’s energy level.
- Spirituality. Perhaps no dimension is more in need of matching for any couple than this one. However, it is at the same time one of the most complex dimensions. First, the specific faith of each person should be the same. For example, in the case of Christianity, this includes attention to Protestant versus Catholic, denominational preference, degree of involvement, etc. Furthermore, it is good to attain “belief alignment” on the role of the church, the nature of God, the place of prayer, the function of biblical authority, and in relation to specific theological matters. If the two persons have no spiritual faith, even this needs careful matching.
- Education. As important as intelligence is, our research indicates that for a large sub-sample, more women than men, a generally equal amount of education for each partner is a critical factor. For instance, women who have finished college or graduate work often prefer to be matched with men who have accomplished at a similar level. There are many marriages that work well without educational equality, but if education has received heavy stress during a person’s growing-up years, this dimension must be given appropriate attention.
- Appearance. In the culture at large, this is, without any question, the most frequently monitored dimension. We have determined that it is not possible to match for chemical attraction, but matching on the dimension of simple appearance is more possible. Most persons are comfortable being matched with partners within the same “grade level” on appearance. For instance, when persons are rated on a seven-point scale on appearance, and when they are matched with persons receiving their same rating—or even at one point above or below—they are generally satisfied. It should be noted that spouses who are in love with each other typically rate their partners as two to three scale points higher on appearance than a jury of objective persons rates them.
- Sense of Humor. Beyond the fact that “sense of humor” contributes significantly to a person’s overall attractiveness, it is a key dimension in the building of a marital bond over the course of a marriage. Laughter is highly therapeutic in every intimate relationship, and there is evidence that marriages in which there is little laughter tend to suffer considerably more during trying times. Having “sense of humor” in common does not require that both people be able to generate humor equally. One person may do this unusually well, while the other person serves as an appreciative audience. Research indicates that the key criterion in this regard is for both persons to experience the freeing, lightening, and enlightening effects of shared laughter. There is a strong correlation between “happy” partners and partners who are thought to have a highly developed sense of humor.
- Mood Management. It is critical that two people be well matched with regard to their moods. If one person has wide mood fluctuations, the other person needs to have a high degree of tolerance for this. It is essential to assess each person’s mood management to ascertain that this area will not become provocative in the marriage over time.
- Overall Traditional vs. Non-Traditional Personality Orientations. If two persons are highly traditional in their approach to life, they will tend to get along well. If one person is quite untraditional, it will be important to find another person who is similarly non-traditional. For instance, if one person likes life to be highly predictable, engages in a significant amount of planning about future events (events transpiring during the next day, the next week, or months ahead), this person will likely be unhappy with someone who prefers a high degree of spontaneity, who chafes under too much “obsessiveness” about planning.
- Ambition. Our research indicates that two well-matched partners need to have approximately the same amount of life ambition. When they do, and assuming they are equally ready to back their ambition with a commensurate amount of hard work, they will have a common quality that will contribute substantially to the harmonizing of their relationship. On the negative side, if there is a large discrepancy between the amount of ambition the two partners have, there will be considerable stress between them. One person will be intent on pursuing advancement, and the other person will resent the amount of time and energy this requires.
- Sexual Passion. Interpersonal chemistry is assessable by the individuals involved in a pairing, and by them only, but the degree of “generalized passion” that a person possesses can be measured. The passion we are talking about here is sexual passion, and our goal is to match two persons who have relatively similar levels of sexual passion.
- Artistic Passion. Some people are, right to the center of themselves, artistically inclined. This is for them a primary personal trait. Sometimes, these persons are skillful as artists. They may play an instrument, write music or poetry, paint, sculpt, or sing. Other people cannot perform, but they have a strong interest in observing, listening, reading, and feeling. If one of these “artistically inclined” persons is matched with someone who has none of these skills or passions, they are like two strangers with little “soul” compatibility. Most people with strong artistic feelings and interests simply must be paired with partners who have some of the same. Otherwise, their marriage seldom works.
- Values Orientation. It is critical for marital partners to have similar values about the essentials of living. For instance, their values about social issues, political issues, and environmental issues are highly important. Also, they need to be in strong agreement about money issues. Their views about saving money and giving money away should be similar. When two persons in a marital relationship have values that are highly congruent, the marriage almost surely works out better.
- Industry. This dimension has to do with one’s orientation toward work. If one person is a “hard worker” and another person is a “shirker,” there will likely be feelings of resentment and guilt. For instance, if the woman gets up earlier, works more intensely during the day, and still has work to do at night, while the man gets up later, works only moderately hard, and stops in the late afternoon for a round of golf, this will put considerable strain on the relationship. When one party complains about the other being “lazy,” and the “lazy” partner complains about the other as a “workaholic” or “obsessive,” you likely have a mismatch on the dimension of industry.
- Curiosity. This dimension was a latecomer to our list of critical matching qualities. It has to do with a need for stimulation, along with a personal strategy to pursue additional information through inquisitiveness. If one partner is “regularly satisfied” with relatively limited information about anything, while the other partner has a pressing “need to know more,” this will typically pull them in two very different directions. Curiosity is not always healthy (e.g., “curiosity killed the cat”), but the degree of health represented by curiosity is beside the point. In a marital match we are looking for two partners who “harmonize,” who relate easily to one another’s style. While complimenting can occur in relation to some of these discrepancies, our research indicates that similarity on dimensions like curiosity leads to greater marital satisfaction over time.
- Vitality and Security. In seventeen cross-cultural studies, the number one quality cited by men in choosing a partner is the general quality called “fertility,” and the number one quality attended to by women is security. Men apparently look for healthy and vital women, and women look for men who can provide economic and physical security, especially during their childbearing years. These qualities, extremely important in matching, must leave both partners feeling that they have “gotten a good deal” and “provided maximally” in the area of their most fundamental need.
- Autonomy vs. Closeness. If one partner desires a significant amount of autonomy to be alone and do their own thing, and if the other partner wants considerably more closeness and relational involvement, the match will be difficult. It is crucial to discover the amount of required autonomy and closeness for two individuals and to match them on the basis of their scores in these areas.
GROUP NUMBER THREE: NECESSARY SKILLS THAT CAN BE DEVELOPED IN THE BUILDING OF A STRONGER MARRIAGE
- Communication. Two life partners need to have a similar level of interest in communicating with one another and a similar ability to communicate. While this may be a dimension that can be altered over time (largely because men in our culture receive so little early encouragement and training in the area of communication), the matter of how much and how well two people communicate is currently one of the two or three most frequent complaints when marriages get into trouble. The fact is that the vast majority of women want more communication than their male counterparts, and they are also better able to communicate well. When one partner is not interested in or good at communication, and especially when the opposite partner is very interested in it and good at it, the marriage will tend to stagnate and prove frustrating for both of them.
- Conflict Resolution. Both partners need to be good at conflict resolution for a marriage to survive and thrive. There will be conflict in every relationship, and if it is not promptly resolved, the relationship will suffer. Conflict resolution is an example of a premarital variable that is both an attitude and a skill. If a couple’s attitude is positive about the need for conflict resolution, and if they are willing to work at it, the skill can be developed quite easily. But if one or both persons seem unwilling or unable to compromise, to talk things through, to entertain each other’s positions, their relationship will suffer greater and greater strain over time.
- Sociability. The degree to which two people both desire interpersonal relationships, and excel at them, needs to be similar for their relationship to thrive. For instance, some persons demonstrate high attraction to other people, while others prefer to spend significantly more time alone or in just one relationship. Over time, this variable will be tested over and over. It is a matter about which premarital matching needs to be carefully concerned.
GROUP NUMBER FOUR: CRUCIAL QUALITIES THAT CAN DEVELOP AS A CONSEQUENCE OF THE CAREFUL MANAGEMENT OF ONE’S EMOTIONAL LIFE
- Adaptability. When all is said and done, this may be the most important dimension of all. In a society in which change is so prominent, in which there is growing differentiation and individuation, the need for adaptability is crucial. If every other dimension were perfectly, or almost perfectly, matched for two people, we could accept a low adaptability score. But where there is some difference between them, it is to adaptability that we look to see if change to unforeseen circumstance can occur over time.
- Kindness. In the seventeen cross-cultural studies referred to above, both men and women rated kindness as the second most important quality to look for in a mate. When a prospective marriage partner has a well-developed capacity to treat other people with kindness, whether it is kindness for their partner, their children, their friends, or even for strangers, this quality will always enrich and deepen the marital relationship. Although kind people can often maintain their kindness over time without reciprocation from their mate, the truly great marriages are those in which kindness is matched by kindness.
- Dominance vs. Submissiveness. If one partner is highly dominant, a marriage will work better if the other partner is significantly more submissive. Research indicates that matching two persons who are high on dominance—or who both are high on submissiveness—leads to problems in the relationship. While it is clinically preferable to find two persons, neither of whom is unusually dominant or submissive, a satisfactory relationship can be developed by pairing high scores on one trait with low scores on the other.
The Fifty Most Popular Must-Haves
TRAITS
1. Chemistry. I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.
2. Communicator. I must have someone who is good at both talking and listening.
3. Sense of Humor. I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
4. Verbal Intimacy. I must know that my partner likes sharing his or her deepest emotional thoughts and desires.
5. Emotionally Healthy. I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy and able to share a stable life with someone else.
6. Strong Character. I must have a partner who is honest and strong enough to do the right thing.
7. Artistic. I must have a partner who has a passion for music, literature, drama, art, and the finer things in life, either as a spectator or participant.
8. Kind. I must have a partner who is gentle and kind.
9. Educated. I must have someone whose educational achievements match my own.
10. Organized. I must have a partner who values structure in his or her life. 11. Exciting. I must have someone who isn’t afraid to take a risk and who sees life as an adventure.
12. Patient. I must have someone who can handle life’s frustrations or momentary setbacks with a patient, steady demeanor.
13. Tolerant. I must have a partner who is able to hear and appreciate divergent viewpoints.
14. Conflict Resolver. I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts within our relationship.
15. Attractive. I must have a partner who is considered “attractive” by most current standards.
16. Personal Habits. I must have a partner who maintains high standards of personal hygiene, orderliness, and other personal habits.
17. Affectionate. I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
18. Industrious. I must have someone who is willing to work hard at whatever they do.
19. Energy Level. I must have someone whose energy level matches my own.
20. Emotionally Generous. I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies, and love.
21. Intellectual. I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
22. Self-Confident. I must have a partner who knows and believes in himself or herself throughout life’s ups and downs.
23. Unassuming. I must have someone who is able to accept criticism and even admit to being wrong sometimes.
24. Able to Accept Help. I must have a partner who is willing to accept outside help for personal or relationship issues that are serious and important.
25. Curious. I must have a partner who is hungry for new information and knowledge, and who strives to learn as much as possible.
26. Loyal. I must have someone I can count on to always be in my corner.
27. Adaptable. I must have a partner who is able to adapt to life’s surprises.
VALUES
28. Family Life. I must have a partner who is committed to marriage, home, and family.
29. Shared Interests. I must have someone who is willing to share my interests and passions.
30. Style and Appearance. I must have someone who cares about the way they look and dress and has a sense of personal style.
31. Shared Politics. I must have someone who has political beliefs which are the same or similar to my own.
32. Spirit of Volunteerism. I must have a partner who shares my willingness to volunteer and support community and/ or social causes.
FAMILY
33. No Children. I must have someone who shares my desire not to have children.
34. Family. I must have someone who shares my desire to have or adopt children.
35. Stepchildren. I must have someone who will accept my children as his or her own.
36. Parenting Style. I must have someone who shares my views about how to raise children.
37. Parent Care. I must have someone who is willing to help me take care of my parents, now or when the time comes.
SOCIAL LIVING
38. Staying In. I must have a partner who mainly enjoys staying in together and having quiet evenings alone or with close friends.
39. Sociability. I must have a partner who loves to socialize with lots of different people.
40 Autonomy. I must have a partner who will give me space to be my own person.
SPIRITUALITY
41. Spirituality. I must have someone with a similar deep commitment to spirituality and who shares my beliefs.
42. Religious Practice. My partner must be committed to being an active member of a church, temple, or congregation.
43. Spiritual Acceptance. My partner must accept and respect my spiritual beliefs, whether he or she shares them or not.
FINANCIAL / CAREER
44. Responsible. My partner must be financially responsible.
45. Ambitious. I must have a partner who shares my desire to achieve high financial and/ or career goals.
46. Relaxed. I must have a partner who is able to forget about money and focus on the important parts of life.
SEXUALITY
47. Abstinent. I must have a spouse who has saved himself or herself sexually for marriage.
48. Traditional. I must have someone who is reserved and traditional in his or her sexual needs.
49. Sexually Knowledgeable. I must have someone who is mature and knowledgeable as a potential sexual partner, and is able to express himself or herself freely.
50. Passionate. I must have someone who is willing to explore our sexual desires with passion and understanding.
The Fifty Most Prevalent Can’t-Stands
TRAITS
1. Vanity. I can’t stand someone who is overly interested in his or her physical appearance.
2. Dependent. I can’t stand someone who bases his or her happiness on me.
3. Depressed. I can’t stand someone who is constantly unhappy about his or her life.
4. Lying. I can’t stand someone who lies to anyone—especially to me.
5. Cheating. I can’t stand someone who takes advantage of people.
6. Cynical. I can’t stand someone who generally sees the world from a cynical perspective.
7. Angry. I can’t stand someone who can’t manage his or her anger, who yells or bottles it up inside.
8. Self-Centered. I can’t stand someone whose main topic of conversation is himself or herself.
9. Rude. I can’t stand someone who is belittling, impatient, or hateful to people in any situation.
10. Unhappy at Work. I can’t stand someone who hates his or her job and complains about it all the time.
11. Materialistic. I can’t stand someone who sees material items as a measure of success.
12. Denying. I can’t stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault in his or her own actions.
13. Workaholic. I can’t stand someone who treats everything in life as secondary to his or her job.
14. Lazy. I can’t stand someone who likes to spend excessive time sleeping, resting, or being a “couchpotato.”
15. Worrying. I can’t stand someone who easily loses perspective and constantly worries.
16. Intolerant. While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can’t stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that his or her particular faith is the only one that matters.
17. Victim Mentality. While everyone has times of self-pity, I can’t stand someone who continually sees himself or herself as a victim.
18. Grudges. I can’t stand someone who has a chip on his or her shoulder.
19. Mean-Spirited. I can’t stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.
20. Childish. I can’t stand someone who is not emotionally mature.
21. Fiscally Irresponsible. I can’t stand someone who is incapable of managing his or her money.
22. Petty. I can’t stand someone who focuses on imperfection.
23. Hypochondriac. I can’t stand someone who has a general disposition of sickness and is constantly treating the symptoms of his or her supposed illness.
24. Boorish. I can’t stand someone who is inclined to rowdy, vulgar, or disrespectful behavior when “having fun.”
25. Excessively Overweight. I can’t stand someone who is overweight.
26. Gambling. I can’t stand someone who gambles.
27. Drugs. I can’t stand someone who uses illegal recreational drugs.
28. Intruding Family / Friends. I can’t stand someone whose relatives and friends are constantly calling or visiting.
VALUES
29. Punctuality. I can’t stand someone who is always late.
30. Flirts. I can’t stand someone who constantly flirts with the opposite sex.
31. Racist. I can’t stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which he or she belongs is superior to the rest of humanity.
32. Television Junkie. I can’t stand someone who constantly watches television.
33. Poor Hygiene. I can’t stand someone who is not clean.
34. Hypocrites. I can’t stand someone who holds a double standard for his or her actions and those of other people.
35. Gossip. I can’t stand someone who loves to talk about other people.
36. Judgmental. I can’t stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.
37 Pornography. I can’t stand someone who views or owns pornography in any form.
38. Addictions. I can’t stand someone who currently suffers from an addiction.
39. Sloppy. I can’t stand someone who is unkempt.
40. Undependable. I can’t stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
41. Cheap. I can’t stand someone who is so tightfisted as to be impractical.
42. Foul-Mouthed. I can’t stand someone who swears or uses inappropriate language or humor.
43. Arrogant. I can’t stand someone who is obnoxiously cocky.
44. Extremely Shy. I can’t stand someone who is so shy that he or she cannot open up and share with me.
45. Pessimism. I can’t stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.
46. Political Correctness. I can’t stand someone who censors his or her thoughts and opinions with a politically correct agenda.
47. Recklessness. I can’t stand someone who has a careless and irresponsible manner with others.
48. Sexually Obsessed. I can’t stand someone who is sexually obsessive.
49. Uninterested. I can’t stand someone who does not enjoy having sex on a regular basis.
50. Infidelity. I can’t stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.