How we learned to love, protect ourselves, and survive closeness
Attachment styles are not personality traits or diagnoses. They are adaptive nervous-system strategies developed early in life to manage closeness, safety, and emotional connection.
They show up most clearly when relationships feel uncertain, when conflict arises, or when someone we care about feels emotionally unavailable.
Most people can recognize themselves immediately when these patterns are described — not because something is “wrong,” but because their system learned what it needed to do to survive.
Attachment styles are not personality traits or diagnoses. They are adaptive nervous-system strategies developed early in life to manage closeness, safety, and emotional connection.
They show up most clearly when relationships feel uncertain, when conflict arises, or when someone we care about feels emotionally unavailable.
Most people can recognize themselves immediately when these patterns are described — not because something is “wrong,” but because their system learned what it needed to do to survive.
Secure Attachment — (Anchor)
What secure attachment feels like inside
People with secure attachment generally experience relationships as a place of support rather than danger. Closeness feels good, not overwhelming. Distance feels tolerable, not terrifying. They trust that problems can be talked through and repaired. They don’t need constant reassurance, but they also don’t push people away. They feel worthy of love and expect others to be basically responsive.
Secure partners tend to:
In conflict
Secure partners may feel upset, but they usually remain engaged. They don’t stonewall, explode, or withdraw for long periods. They understand that conflict does not equal danger — it’s something to work through together.
How it shows up in relationships
1. Comfort with Intimacy and Independence
2. Stable Sense of Self and Emotional Regulation
3. Trust, Reliability, and Consistency
4. Positive View of Relationships
5. Healthy Dependency and Commitment
6. Clear, Direct Communication
7. Conflict Skills and Repair Capacity
8. Mental and Emotional Flexibility
9. Warmth, Attunement, and Care for Others
10. Social Ease and Relational Confidence
Secure attachment is not about perfection.
It’s about flexibility, safety, trust, and repair — internally and relationally.
What secure attachment feels like inside
People with secure attachment generally experience relationships as a place of support rather than danger. Closeness feels good, not overwhelming. Distance feels tolerable, not terrifying. They trust that problems can be talked through and repaired. They don’t need constant reassurance, but they also don’t push people away. They feel worthy of love and expect others to be basically responsive.
Secure partners tend to:
- Show up when they say they will
- Communicate clearly and directly
- Be emotionally available without over-functioning
- Offer reassurance without losing themselves
In conflict
Secure partners may feel upset, but they usually remain engaged. They don’t stonewall, explode, or withdraw for long periods. They understand that conflict does not equal danger — it’s something to work through together.
How it shows up in relationships
1. Comfort with Intimacy and Independence
- Comfortable being close and being alone; neither feels threatening
- Enjoys physical affection and emotional closeness
- Does not worry about being abandoned or “smothered”
- Closeness naturally creates more closeness rather than fear or withdrawal
- Views sex and emotional intimacy as naturally connected
2. Stable Sense of Self and Emotional Regulation
- Generally happy and emotionally balanced
- Nervous system remains regulated under stress — not easily escalated or shut down
- Little emotional drama; relationships don’t feel like roller coasters
- Does not obsess about the relationship or partner’s love
- Interruptions or bids for connection do not feel intrusive
3. Trust, Reliability, and Consistency
- Reliable, consistent, and trustworthy
- Makes decisions collaboratively
- Follows through on commitments
- Assumes goodwill rather than betrayal
- Feels secure in their ability to contribute positively to the relationship
4. Positive View of Relationships
- Sees relationships as supportive, not burdensome or exhausting
- Flexible and realistic about relationships rather than rigid or idealized
- Does not view relationships as “hard work” or inherently fragile
- Values relationships and invests in maintaining them
- Introduces partners into their broader life (friends, family) naturally
5. Healthy Dependency and Commitment
- Comfortable depending on others and allowing others to depend on them
- Not afraid of commitment, closeness, or interdependence
- Willing to fully share themselves emotionally
- Believes relationships thrive through mutual give-and-take
- Experiences dependency as strength rather than weakness
6. Clear, Direct Communication
- Communicates needs, feelings, and concerns openly and honestly
- Does not play games or use manipulation
- Expresses affection and appreciation naturally
- Expects others to be responsive and understanding
- Comfortable addressing relationship issues directly
7. Conflict Skills and Repair Capacity
- Handles conflict without defensiveness, withdrawal, or attack
- Does not try to punish, injure, or “win” during disagreements
- Able to compromise and collaborate during arguments
- Quick to forgive and repair
- Assumes partners’ intentions are good, even when hurt
8. Mental and Emotional Flexibility
- Not threatened by criticism or feedback
- Willing to reconsider perspectives and revise strategies
- Adapts easily to the needs of the moment
- Accepts partners’ flaws without losing respect or connection
- Emotionally attuned and responsive to others’ cues
9. Warmth, Attunement, and Care for Others
- Attuned to partners’ emotional and physical needs
- Responds with care rather than avoidance or overreaction
- Feels responsible with partners, not for them
- Treats close partners with love, dignity, and respect
- People tend to feel safe, valued, and cared for around them
10. Social Ease and Relational Confidence
- Gets along with a wide variety of people
- Comfortable in social and intimate settings
- Naturally expresses warmth and connection
- Experiences relationships as resilient rather than fragile
- Holds a confident belief in love, connection, and repair
Secure attachment is not about perfection.
It’s about flexibility, safety, trust, and repair — internally and relationally.
Anxious Attachment -- (Wave)
What anxious attachment feels like inside
Anxious attachment is driven by a deep fear of disconnection and abandonment. Relationships feel incredibly important — sometimes too important — because safety is tied to closeness.
There is often a persistent question underneath:
Common behaviors (especially under stress):
In conflict
Anxious partners often escalate when they feel unseen. Anger, urgency, or desperation usually mask a more vulnerable fear:
How it shows up in relationships
1. Strong Orientation Toward Connection and Care
2. Deep Need for Closeness and Intimacy
3. Heightened Sensitivity to Relationship Threat
4. Fear of Abandonment and Loss
5. Emotional Regulation Through Others
6. Relationship Preoccupation
7. Protest and Connection-Seeking Behaviors Under Stress
8. Relationship Beliefs Shaped by Insecurity
9. Strengths Often Overlooked
10. Power Imbalance Tendencies
In short:Anxious attachment is not neediness --
it is a nervous system wired to protect connection at all costs.
With enough reassurance, predictability, and internal regulation, anxious systems can learn that closeness does not require constant vigilance.
What anxious attachment feels like inside
Anxious attachment is driven by a deep fear of disconnection and abandonment. Relationships feel incredibly important — sometimes too important — because safety is tied to closeness.
There is often a persistent question underneath:
- “Am I still important to you?”
- “Are you pulling away?”
Common behaviors (especially under stress):
- Repeated texting or calling
- Seeking reassurance indirectly or repeatedly
- “Protest behaviors”: withdrawing, criticizing, threatening to leave, testing loyalty, jealousy
- Difficulty letting go of conflict until emotional safety is restored
In conflict
Anxious partners often escalate when they feel unseen. Anger, urgency, or desperation usually mask a more vulnerable fear:
- “I’m scared I don’t matter.”
- “I’m afraid you’ll leave.”
How it shows up in relationships
1. Strong Orientation Toward Connection and Care
- Generous, giving, and emotionally attentive
- Highly focused on taking care of others’ needs
- Often prioritizes others over self
- Feels most alive and fulfilled in close connection
- Thrives on conversation, emotional exchange, and relational engagement
2. Deep Need for Closeness and Intimacy
- Desires high levels of emotional closeness
- Wants frequent reassurance and contact
- Feels safest when in relationship rather than alone
- Uncomfortable with emotional or physical distance
- May feel incomplete or unsettled without a primary attachment figure
3. Heightened Sensitivity to Relationship Threat
- Highly attuned to shifts in tone, behavior, or availability
- Detects even subtle signs of possible rejection or withdrawal
- Quickly activates when something feels “off”
- Small events can feel disproportionately alarming
- Attachment system stays activated until reassurance is received
4. Fear of Abandonment and Loss
- Worries that partner may stop loving them or leave
- Fears that small mistakes could ruin the relationship
- Believes they must work hard to keep their partner’s interest
- May feel unlovable or “too much”
- Can become suspicious of infidelity or replacement
5. Emotional Regulation Through Others
- Calms through talking, processing, and connection
- Struggles to self-soothe when alone
- Feels most relaxed around friends or loved ones
- Distress increases when communication is limited
- Needs clear signals of reassurance to settle emotionally
6. Relationship Preoccupation
- Thinks frequently about the state of the relationship
- Monitors closeness, responsiveness, and emotional availability
- May feel unhappy or empty when not in a relationship
- Relationship becomes central to emotional stability
- Experiences relational uncertainty as exhausting and painful
7. Protest and Connection-Seeking Behaviors Under Stress
- May play games or test a partner’s interest
- Acts out emotionally when feeling unseen or insecure
- Has difficulty naming the underlying fear directly
- Expects partner to “just know” what’s wrong
- Uses behavior rather than words to signal distress
8. Relationship Beliefs Shaped by Insecurity
- Believes love is fragile and easily lost
- May assume others are reluctant to fully commit
- Holds an internal belief that partners are unreliable
- Oscillates between hope and disappointment in love
- May view relationships as ultimately exhausting or disappointing
9. Strengths Often Overlooked
- Deeply empathetic and emotionally perceptive
- Able to see multiple sides of an issue
- Highly responsive and caring partner
- Invested in emotional intimacy and repair
- Capable of great loyalty and devotion
10. Power Imbalance Tendencies
- Often lets partner set the emotional tone
- May adapt self to maintain closeness
- Has difficulty holding boundaries when afraid of loss
- Can unintentionally center the relationship around reassurance needs
- Struggles to maintain self-focus when attachment is activated
In short:Anxious attachment is not neediness --
it is a nervous system wired to protect connection at all costs.
With enough reassurance, predictability, and internal regulation, anxious systems can learn that closeness does not require constant vigilance.
Avoidant Attachment — (Island)
What avoidant attachment feels like inside
Avoidant attachment is driven by a fear of dependence and emotional overwhelm. Closeness can feel invasive, pressuring, or dangerous — even when love is genuinely desired.
There is often an internal belief like:
Common distancing strategies:
In conflict
Avoidant partners often feel flooded quickly. When emotions escalate, their system moves toward distance as regulation. This can look like stonewalling, leaving the room, or disengaging — not to punish, but to survive.
To an anxious partner, this feels rejecting.
To the avoidant partner, it feels necessary.
How it shows up in relationships
1. Strong Self-Reliance and Independence
2. Comfort with Solitude and Personal Space
3. Discomfort with Emotional Closeness and Dependency
4. Internal Experience of Distance — Even in Relationship
5. Distancing Strategies Under Stress
6. Relationship Beliefs and Expectations
7. Communication Difficulties
8. Conflict Response Patterns
9. Strengths Often Overlooked
Avoidant attachment is not a lack of caring.
It is a strategy built around safety through distance, self-sufficiency, and control of emotional exposure.
With enough safety, choice, and predictability, avoidant systems can learn that closeness does not have to cost freedom.
What avoidant attachment feels like inside
Avoidant attachment is driven by a fear of dependence and emotional overwhelm. Closeness can feel invasive, pressuring, or dangerous — even when love is genuinely desired.
There is often an internal belief like:
- “I have to handle things on my own.”
- “Needing others leads to disappointment or loss of control.”
Common distancing strategies:
- Emotional withdrawal or silence
- Staying busy or distracted
- Focusing on a partner’s flaws
- Delaying conversations indefinitely
- Offering logic instead of emotional presence
In conflict
Avoidant partners often feel flooded quickly. When emotions escalate, their system moves toward distance as regulation. This can look like stonewalling, leaving the room, or disengaging — not to punish, but to survive.
To an anxious partner, this feels rejecting.
To the avoidant partner, it feels necessary.
How it shows up in relationships
1. Strong Self-Reliance and Independence
- Highly independent and self-reliant
- Strong belief: “I know how to take care of myself better than anyone else could.”
- Values autonomy, freedom, and self-sufficiency
- Thrives when able to operate independently
- Prefers low-maintenance relationships and partners
2. Comfort with Solitude and Personal Space
- Most relaxed when alone
- Needs time in a private “sanctuary” to feel regulated
- Uses solitude as the primary way to calm down after distress
- Experiences space as restorative rather than lonely
- Often feels overwhelmed when others need emotional closeness
3. Discomfort with Emotional Closeness and Dependency
- Somewhat uncomfortable with deep emotional intimacy
- Finds it difficult to fully trust or depend on others
- Nervous when someone gets “too close”
- Often feels partners want more intimacy than feels manageable
- Struggles with the idea of emotional merging or “finding home” in another person
4. Internal Experience of Distance — Even in Relationship
- May feel a deep sense of aloneness while partnered
- Maintains emotional or mental distance even in committed relationships
- Keeps an internal escape route “just in case”
- Feels safest when emotional needs are minimized — their own and others’
5. Distancing Strategies Under Stress
- Pulls away emotionally or physically when intimacy increases
- Uses withdrawal, silence, distraction, or busyness to regulate
- Sends mixed signals about closeness and commitment
- May devalue partners (or past partners) when intimacy intensifies
- Emphasizes boundaries to create emotional distance
6. Relationship Beliefs and Expectations
- Holds a romanticized but often rigid view of how relationships should work
- Has uncompromising rules about independence, space, or emotional expression
- Prioritizes freedom over relational interdependence
- May underestimate or overlook a partner’s emotional needs
- Can be mistrustful, fearing being controlled, taken advantage of, or emotionally trapped
7. Communication Difficulties
- Has difficulty talking openly about feelings or the state of the relationship
- Avoids relationship-focused conversations
- Does not always make intentions clear
- May intellectualize or minimize emotional topics
- Struggles to articulate internal experience during moments of closeness or conflict
8. Conflict Response Patterns
- Needs to physically or emotionally get away during disagreements
- May shut down, withdraw, or leave the interaction
- At times may “explode” after prolonged suppression
- Finds emotional confrontation overwhelming rather than regulating
- Experiences conflict as threatening to autonomy
9. Strengths Often Overlooked
- Capable, productive, and creative — especially when given space
- Responsible and self-sustaining
- Often steady, calm, and composed on the outside
- Can be deeply loyal once trust is established
- Values fairness, respect, and non-intrusiveness
Avoidant attachment is not a lack of caring.
It is a strategy built around safety through distance, self-sufficiency, and control of emotional exposure.
With enough safety, choice, and predictability, avoidant systems can learn that closeness does not have to cost freedom.
Disorganized Attachment
What disorganized attachment feels like inside
Disorganized attachment is the most confusing and painful attachment pattern — because the nervous system holds two opposing truths at once:
Partners may experience:
Where it often comes from
Disorganized attachment often develops when caregivers were:
In conflict
Disorganized systems can escalate or shut down very quickly. Safety, predictability, and regulation are far more important than logic or explanations in these moments.
How it shows up in relationships
1. Simultaneous Pull Toward and Fear of Closeness
2. Internal Conflict and Confusion About Needs
3. Heightened Nervous-System Reactivity
4. Fear-Based Relationship Expectations
5. Push–Pull and Unpredictable Relational Patterns
6. Shame and Self-Blame After Emotional Reactions
7. Early Experiences of Unsafe Attachment
8. Difficulty with Trust and Repair
9. Strengths Often Overlooked
10. What Disorganized Attachment Is Not
Disorganized attachment reflects a system that learned:
“I need connection to survive — and connection is dangerous.”
Healing happens when safety, predictability, boundaries, and repair are experienced consistently over time, allowing the system to finally relax its impossible double-bind.
What disorganized attachment feels like inside
Disorganized attachment is the most confusing and painful attachment pattern — because the nervous system holds two opposing truths at once:
- “I need closeness to feel safe.”
- “Closeness feels dangerous.”
Partners may experience:
- Idealization followed by devaluation
- Rapid emotional escalations
- Dissociation or emotional numbing
- Confusion about what is actually wanted
Where it often comes from
Disorganized attachment often develops when caregivers were:
- Frightening or frightened
- Abusive or neglectful
- Highly inconsistent or unpredictable
- “The person I need is also the person I fear.”
In conflict
Disorganized systems can escalate or shut down very quickly. Safety, predictability, and regulation are far more important than logic or explanations in these moments.
How it shows up in relationships
1. Simultaneous Pull Toward and Fear of Closeness
- Strong desire for emotional closeness and a strong fear of it
- Experiences intimacy as both comforting and threatening
- May crave connection, then abruptly withdraw or push away
- Feels torn between longing for relationship and needing distance
- Struggles to feel settled or “at home” with another person
2. Internal Conflict and Confusion About Needs
- Difficulty knowing what they want in relationships
- Needs can shift quickly depending on emotional state
- May ask for closeness, then feel overwhelmed by receiving it
- Conflicting parts pull in opposite directions
- Feels confused or ashamed about these contradictions
3. Heightened Nervous-System Reactivity
- Attachment system activates quickly and intensely
- Can become overwhelmed, flooded, or dysregulated under relational stress
- Emotional states may change rapidly
- Can experience panic, numbness, dissociation, or shutdown
- Has difficulty returning to baseline without support
4. Fear-Based Relationship Expectations
- Fears abandonment and fears engulfment
- Expects closeness to eventually lead to harm, loss, or betrayal
- May assume relationships are inherently unsafe or unstable
- Struggles to trust that safety and consistency will last
- Holds deep uncertainty about whether connection can be trusted
5. Push–Pull and Unpredictable Relational Patterns
- Alternates between intense closeness and sudden distance
- May idealize partners, then devalue them
- Can appear inconsistent or contradictory to others
- Sends mixed signals about availability and commitment
- Partners often feel confused or destabilized
6. Shame and Self-Blame After Emotional Reactions
- Feels shame after strong emotional responses
- May believe something is “wrong” with them
- Self-criticism often follows relational conflict
- Can feel unlovable, broken, or too much
- Struggles to integrate emotional experiences with self-compassion
7. Early Experiences of Unsafe Attachment
- Often developed in environments where caregivers were:
- Frightening or frightened
- Abusive, neglectful, or volatile
- Highly unpredictable or inconsistent
- Learned that the source of comfort was also the source of fear
- Never developed a stable strategy for safety in relationship
8. Difficulty with Trust and Repair
- Finds it hard to trust reassurance once upset
- Repair may not feel settling or lasting
- May test safety repeatedly
- Can struggle to believe partners’ intentions are good
- Needs consistency over time to build trust
9. Strengths Often Overlooked
- Deep emotional sensitivity and attunement
- Strong capacity for empathy and insight
- Often highly reflective and self-aware
- Intense longing for authentic connection
- Can form deeply meaningful bonds when safety is established
10. What Disorganized Attachment Is Not
- Not manipulation or instability by choice
- Not a personality flaw
- Not “too much” or “too broken”
- Not untreatable
Disorganized attachment reflects a system that learned:
“I need connection to survive — and connection is dangerous.”
Healing happens when safety, predictability, boundaries, and repair are experienced consistently over time, allowing the system to finally relax its impossible double-bind.
Kids and Parents: How Attachment Forms
Secure Attachment
Child:
Anxious Attachment
Child:
Avoidant Attachment
Child:
Disorganized Attachment
Child:
Secure Attachment
Child:
- Distressed by separation but comforted by reunion
- Uses caregiver as a secure base
- Returns to play once soothed
- Emotionally attuned and responsive
- Repairs misattunement
- Provides consistent safety and presence
Anxious Attachment
Child:
- Extremely distressed at separation
- Difficult to soothe on reunion
- Clings while remaining upset
- Inconsistent availability
- Overwhelmed, intrusive, or unpredictable
- Child never knows when comfort will arrive
Avoidant Attachment
Child:
- Appears independent or unaffected by separation
- Suppresses emotional expression
- Physiology shows high stress despite calm appearance
- Emotionally unavailable or dismissive
- Prioritizes behavior or independence over feelings
- Emotional needs are minimized or discouraged
Disorganized Attachment
Child:
- Conflicted approach/avoid behaviors
- No consistent strategy for safety
- Freezing, dissociation, or contradictory responses
- Source of both comfort and fear
- Traumatized, frightening, or unpredictable
Helping Regulate Someone with the Opposite Attachment Style
Supporting an Avoidant Partner
Supporting an Anxious Partner
Supporting a Disorganized Partner
The Core Principle
Attachment healing happens when someone receives the opposite of what they feared:
Supporting an Avoidant Partner
- Lead with choice, not pressure
- Keep requests brief and specific
- Offer space with a clear return time
- Avoid emotional ambushes or intensity
- “I need 10 minutes of connection, then you’re free.”
- “Let me know when you’re ready.”
- “We can pause and come back later.”
Supporting an Anxious Partner
- Be explicit, consistent, and predictable
- Name reassurance out loud
- Follow through on timing and plans
- Don’t assume they “should know” you care
- “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
- “I’ll call you at 6:30.”
- “I want closeness with you.”
Supporting a Disorganized Partner
- Prioritize safety and predictability
- Go slow and reduce stimulation
- Keep boundaries and warmth
- Repair around emotional safety, not logic
The Core Principle
Attachment healing happens when someone receives the opposite of what they feared:
- Anxious → consistent reassurance
- Avoidant → respectful space with connection
- Disorganized → safety, predictability, and repair
Wired for Love: Are You an Anchor, Island, or a Wave?
Renowned couples’ therapist Stan Tatkin explains how three “attachment styles”
affect our relationships and how we can become more secure with our partners.
affect our relationships and how we can become more secure with our partners.
If you’ve ever fallen in love, then you know it feels pretty wacko in the beginning. You can’t sleep, you barely eat, and your beloved is all you think about. Your body and brain are flooded with a cocktail of chemicals, including dopamine, noradrenaline, testosterone, oxytocin, and vasopressin.
As it happens, other traits of the first blush — obsessiveness, compulsivity, anxiety, and panic — are shared by many mental disorders. There’s a reason we call it “lovesick.”
Yet humans keep falling in love anyway. How peculiar. And how romantic.
While falling in love is enticing enough to make us take leave of our senses, staying in love is how we enjoy the real rewards: mutual trust, regular affection, consistent support. For most of us, what really counts is what happens after the infatuation phase, when we demonstrate our ability to be there for one another, no matter what. And even if that capacity doesn’t come naturally, we can learn and nurture it.
I am a couples’ therapist by training, and I have developed and use a psychobiological approach in my clinical practice. For 25 years, I’ve observed how much something called “attachment style” influences our ability to participate in a loving relationship. This is because our early experiences with attachment create an instructional blueprint that remains stored in our bodies; that blueprint determines our basic relational wiring and sense of safety.
In a nutshell, these incidents program some of us to be fundamentally secure in our primary relationships, while others of us become insecure. And insecurity can make us distant, or ambivalent about relating.
But this can be changed. Partners can make love and avoid war when the security-seeking parts of the brain are put at ease. I explore this concept at length in my book Wired for Love. This is a summary of a few of the ideas found there.
Three Styles of Relating
The success of long-term relationships depends in part on partners acting as each other’s “whisperers,” in the animal sense. This means respecting each other’s vulnerabilities and knowing, without necessarily being told, what the other person needs when he or she is upset. Each partner communicates his or her needs and desires without resorting to threats, guilt, force, or manipulation.
This isn’t to say we should remain at the mercy of each other’s runaway moods and feelings. Rather, as competent “managers” of our partners, we can become expert at moving, shifting, motivating, influencing, soothing, and inspiring one another.
For some of us, this partner-whispering comes more naturally than for others.
In my work with couples, I refer to the three main styles of relating as “anchors,” “islands,” and “waves.” Each style has its own strengths and weaknesses, though anchors generally have the easiest time in relationships.
Most of us exhibit more than one style over a lifetime, though we probably fall back on the one we developed in childhood unless we’ve made a conscious effort to change. These are the three styles in detail:
Anchors (62%) are notoriously easygoing, and mostly unencumbered by fears of abandonment or loss of autonomy. They are collaborative and cooperative by nature, and they’re comfortable with physical and emotional intimacy. They can maintain that closeness for extended periods without anxiety.
They usually developed these traits because they had a secure relationship with a primary caregiver, and they’re able to bring that acquired sense of security into their adult relationships. I call relationships between two anchors “secure functioning,” because both partners relate in mutually beneficial ways.
Islands, (23%) in contrast with anchors, have a hard time staying connected to their long-term romantic partners. In therapeutic language, we call this the “avoidant” type.
On the bright side, islands are often independent, highly creative, and accomplished adults. But they frequently feel trapped in primary romantic relationships — especially when the going gets tough. They prize solitude and fear being subsumed by another person’s wishes and needs.
Islands are threatened by conflict and drama; they’re more likely to withdraw, keep secrets, and fear being exposed by partners who encroach on their privacy. As a result, their companions often feel neglected, unimportant, and burdensome.
Though islands can seem antisocial or selfish, they are often reacting to early experiences when they felt neglected by their caregivers. Experience taught them to self-soothe rather than risk depending on anyone else for support.
Islands often want close relationships but are afraid of the responsibilities of another person; they fear being needed but not really wanted. Their defensiveness is largely unconscious, driven by the conditioning of their nervous systems and brains.
Waves, (15%) on the other hand, deeply desire connection with a partner. They’re usually generous people, and their passionate intensity can make them fun to be around. Yet most waves believe that true intimacy is not really possible, and they live in fear of abandonment, withdrawal, rejection, and punishment. While islands have a fear of dependency, the primary issue for waves — sometimes called “angry resistant” individuals — is dashed hope.
The partners of waves often feel like their relationships are roller-coaster rides. Waves tend to cling to their companions while also behaving in ways that can be hostile and distancing. Separations and reunions may trigger pushing their partners away, even as they want connection. This comes from fearing deeply what they most want: a truly intimate relationship.
As children, waves often experienced role reversal with at least one parent, who was likely to have been depressed, anxious, dependent, overwhelmed, or angry. They were charged with caring for that adult’s emotional well-being, and this meant their own needs for connection went unmet. So, as adults, when they reach out for connection, they expect to be disappointed. Their reflexive negativism is a defense against that disappointment. I call this an “allergy to hope.”
Style Update
We can all develop a more “anchored” way of relating, though it involves a shift in thinking for waves and islands, who tend to put their own needs first — out of insecurity. Anchored relating requires mutuality, or putting your partner and the relationship first. Secure-functioning couples create a social contract, implicitly or explicitly, that ensures fairness, equality, and sensitivity to each other’s needs.
Let’s look at one hypothetical couple. Jerome and Chris are in their early 30s with two young children. Both parents work, although Jerome is less likely to fulfill his share of the household responsibilities. His tendency to think of his own needs first is characteristic of an island. He’s frequently secretive about his needs and plans, while Chris’s reactions to their impasses are often fast and furious. This is typical of waves, who want connection yet expect disappointment.
Here’s a typical encounter: Chris tells Jerome after breakfast that he’ll have to pick up the kids that afternoon because of an unexpected meeting at work. Jerome refuses, speaking evasively about other plans, and finally admits — under pressure — that he has plans to golf with friends. Chris explodes and complains loudly of feeling neglected and disrespected, while Jerome snaps back and leaves the house, retreating — island-style — from any further drama.
This situation might sound hopeless, and it may not be realistic to think the relationship can be healed instantly, but there is a path to success for this couple.
For starters, they could find a more relaxed time to talk, with the goal of establishing some shared principles for their relationship — such as “we’re in this together” and “everybody’s time is valuable.” These principles can guide them toward more supportive ways to interact the next time they have conflicting needs.
The point is to learn to be there for each other instead of putting their individual needs into competition. Even if Jerome continues to have an island-like love of independence, and Chris remains passionate and intense, their interactions can move toward an anchor style. It might go like this:
A shared sense of purpose will give you something to rely on when difficulties arise; it will help you stay connected when you’re tempted to push each other away. Becoming each other’s anchor is worth the effort. It will make life’s stormy seas much easier to navigate.
3 Questions for Any Couple
As you discuss your relationship, with the goal of becoming more secure-functioning, ask each other three questions:
Shared principles of partnership. When choosing your own principles, both of you must buy in and commit to follow-through, regardless of circumstances or feelings in a given moment. In other words, your agreed-upon principles must serve both a personal and a mutual good. For instance, my spouse and I have a shared principle that if either of us is in distress, the other will drop everything and help. We know how to pick each other up when we’re down and how to settle the other when unsettled, so we’ve agreed to do this without question.
Exclusive benefits. The third question sounds the most complex, but it’s probably the easiest to answer. What do you do for each other that no one else can do? There are as many answers for this question as there are couples in the world. So have fun with it.
This originally appeared as "Anchors, Islands, and Waves” in the June 2019 print issue of Experience Life.
As it happens, other traits of the first blush — obsessiveness, compulsivity, anxiety, and panic — are shared by many mental disorders. There’s a reason we call it “lovesick.”
Yet humans keep falling in love anyway. How peculiar. And how romantic.
While falling in love is enticing enough to make us take leave of our senses, staying in love is how we enjoy the real rewards: mutual trust, regular affection, consistent support. For most of us, what really counts is what happens after the infatuation phase, when we demonstrate our ability to be there for one another, no matter what. And even if that capacity doesn’t come naturally, we can learn and nurture it.
I am a couples’ therapist by training, and I have developed and use a psychobiological approach in my clinical practice. For 25 years, I’ve observed how much something called “attachment style” influences our ability to participate in a loving relationship. This is because our early experiences with attachment create an instructional blueprint that remains stored in our bodies; that blueprint determines our basic relational wiring and sense of safety.
In a nutshell, these incidents program some of us to be fundamentally secure in our primary relationships, while others of us become insecure. And insecurity can make us distant, or ambivalent about relating.
But this can be changed. Partners can make love and avoid war when the security-seeking parts of the brain are put at ease. I explore this concept at length in my book Wired for Love. This is a summary of a few of the ideas found there.
Three Styles of Relating
The success of long-term relationships depends in part on partners acting as each other’s “whisperers,” in the animal sense. This means respecting each other’s vulnerabilities and knowing, without necessarily being told, what the other person needs when he or she is upset. Each partner communicates his or her needs and desires without resorting to threats, guilt, force, or manipulation.
This isn’t to say we should remain at the mercy of each other’s runaway moods and feelings. Rather, as competent “managers” of our partners, we can become expert at moving, shifting, motivating, influencing, soothing, and inspiring one another.
For some of us, this partner-whispering comes more naturally than for others.
In my work with couples, I refer to the three main styles of relating as “anchors,” “islands,” and “waves.” Each style has its own strengths and weaknesses, though anchors generally have the easiest time in relationships.
Most of us exhibit more than one style over a lifetime, though we probably fall back on the one we developed in childhood unless we’ve made a conscious effort to change. These are the three styles in detail:
Anchors (62%) are notoriously easygoing, and mostly unencumbered by fears of abandonment or loss of autonomy. They are collaborative and cooperative by nature, and they’re comfortable with physical and emotional intimacy. They can maintain that closeness for extended periods without anxiety.
They usually developed these traits because they had a secure relationship with a primary caregiver, and they’re able to bring that acquired sense of security into their adult relationships. I call relationships between two anchors “secure functioning,” because both partners relate in mutually beneficial ways.
Islands, (23%) in contrast with anchors, have a hard time staying connected to their long-term romantic partners. In therapeutic language, we call this the “avoidant” type.
On the bright side, islands are often independent, highly creative, and accomplished adults. But they frequently feel trapped in primary romantic relationships — especially when the going gets tough. They prize solitude and fear being subsumed by another person’s wishes and needs.
Islands are threatened by conflict and drama; they’re more likely to withdraw, keep secrets, and fear being exposed by partners who encroach on their privacy. As a result, their companions often feel neglected, unimportant, and burdensome.
Though islands can seem antisocial or selfish, they are often reacting to early experiences when they felt neglected by their caregivers. Experience taught them to self-soothe rather than risk depending on anyone else for support.
Islands often want close relationships but are afraid of the responsibilities of another person; they fear being needed but not really wanted. Their defensiveness is largely unconscious, driven by the conditioning of their nervous systems and brains.
Waves, (15%) on the other hand, deeply desire connection with a partner. They’re usually generous people, and their passionate intensity can make them fun to be around. Yet most waves believe that true intimacy is not really possible, and they live in fear of abandonment, withdrawal, rejection, and punishment. While islands have a fear of dependency, the primary issue for waves — sometimes called “angry resistant” individuals — is dashed hope.
The partners of waves often feel like their relationships are roller-coaster rides. Waves tend to cling to their companions while also behaving in ways that can be hostile and distancing. Separations and reunions may trigger pushing their partners away, even as they want connection. This comes from fearing deeply what they most want: a truly intimate relationship.
As children, waves often experienced role reversal with at least one parent, who was likely to have been depressed, anxious, dependent, overwhelmed, or angry. They were charged with caring for that adult’s emotional well-being, and this meant their own needs for connection went unmet. So, as adults, when they reach out for connection, they expect to be disappointed. Their reflexive negativism is a defense against that disappointment. I call this an “allergy to hope.”
Style Update
We can all develop a more “anchored” way of relating, though it involves a shift in thinking for waves and islands, who tend to put their own needs first — out of insecurity. Anchored relating requires mutuality, or putting your partner and the relationship first. Secure-functioning couples create a social contract, implicitly or explicitly, that ensures fairness, equality, and sensitivity to each other’s needs.
Let’s look at one hypothetical couple. Jerome and Chris are in their early 30s with two young children. Both parents work, although Jerome is less likely to fulfill his share of the household responsibilities. His tendency to think of his own needs first is characteristic of an island. He’s frequently secretive about his needs and plans, while Chris’s reactions to their impasses are often fast and furious. This is typical of waves, who want connection yet expect disappointment.
Here’s a typical encounter: Chris tells Jerome after breakfast that he’ll have to pick up the kids that afternoon because of an unexpected meeting at work. Jerome refuses, speaking evasively about other plans, and finally admits — under pressure — that he has plans to golf with friends. Chris explodes and complains loudly of feeling neglected and disrespected, while Jerome snaps back and leaves the house, retreating — island-style — from any further drama.
This situation might sound hopeless, and it may not be realistic to think the relationship can be healed instantly, but there is a path to success for this couple.
For starters, they could find a more relaxed time to talk, with the goal of establishing some shared principles for their relationship — such as “we’re in this together” and “everybody’s time is valuable.” These principles can guide them toward more supportive ways to interact the next time they have conflicting needs.
The point is to learn to be there for each other instead of putting their individual needs into competition. Even if Jerome continues to have an island-like love of independence, and Chris remains passionate and intense, their interactions can move toward an anchor style. It might go like this:
- Chris could let Jerome know about the change in the day’s plans in a more soothing way that acknowledges both of their needs, such as: “Honey, I just got a text from my boss asking me to be on a call this afternoon. I’m afraid that means I can’t pick up the kids like we planned.”
- Jerome could show that he is able to read his partner and be there for Chris by saying, “You must really be annoyed!”
- Chris could encourage mutuality by acknowledging that the change is a disruption for them both.
- Jerome could be honest and direct about his needs, noting his preexisting golf plans.
- Chris could show a desire to be there for Jerome — maybe by offering to ask to be released from the meeting.
- Jerome could explicitly invoke the shared principles of their relationship and offer to do his part by canceling his golf plans.
- He might also vocalize his love for Chris, knowing that doing so is foundational to their ability to take care of each other.
A shared sense of purpose will give you something to rely on when difficulties arise; it will help you stay connected when you’re tempted to push each other away. Becoming each other’s anchor is worth the effort. It will make life’s stormy seas much easier to navigate.
3 Questions for Any Couple
As you discuss your relationship, with the goal of becoming more secure-functioning, ask each other three questions:
- What is our purpose as a couple?
- What principles of partnership do we both believe in?
- What do we do for each other that no one else could do?
Shared principles of partnership. When choosing your own principles, both of you must buy in and commit to follow-through, regardless of circumstances or feelings in a given moment. In other words, your agreed-upon principles must serve both a personal and a mutual good. For instance, my spouse and I have a shared principle that if either of us is in distress, the other will drop everything and help. We know how to pick each other up when we’re down and how to settle the other when unsettled, so we’ve agreed to do this without question.
Exclusive benefits. The third question sounds the most complex, but it’s probably the easiest to answer. What do you do for each other that no one else can do? There are as many answers for this question as there are couples in the world. So have fun with it.
This originally appeared as "Anchors, Islands, and Waves” in the June 2019 print issue of Experience Life.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP YOUR PARTNER IF THEY ARE AN ISLAND
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Vulnerability
Feeling intruded upon
Feeling trapped, out of control
Fear of too much intimacy Fear of being blamed
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Antidote – what to do or say to your partner
Approach quietly, rather than calling your partner by name.
If your partner is busy, say, “I need to talk with you in a couple minutes." “Let me know if you’re ready." “I need a few minutes of your time, and then you can get back to what you’re doing.”
“I can see you’ve had enough. Run along and we’ll continue later.” “You have a couple of choices here.” Pay attention to your partner's discomfort of the level of intimacy. Ease into closeness.
“Do you want me to stop?” “Is this annoying you?” “I so appreciate what you did, but you were out of line in this case.”
“I understand why you did what you did. Your heart was in the right place.” “Look, it’s not (all) your fault. And if it were, that wouldn’t matter to me.” |
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP YOUR PARTNER IF THEY ARE A WAVE
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Vulnerability
Fear of being abandoned by you
Being separated from you
Discomfort being alone for too long Feeling he or she is a burden |
Antidote – what to do or say to your partner
“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. You couldn’t get rid of me if you wanted to.”
“Please stay close to me. I want to be in close contact today.” “You are my tether.” Make use of technology, such as text messaging. Nothing elaborate, just “hi” or “loving you” or “ugh, bad meeting” or any pithy comment that suggests “I’m thinking about you.”
“I’m looking forward to our dinner together tonight. I can’t wait to hear about your day.”
“Call me if you need to talk.” “I promise I’ll call you as soon as we land, even if it’s too late.” “You’re no more of a burden to me than I am to you!”
“I love that we know exactly what to do to take care of each other.” “You are one burden I’ll always enjoy carrying.” |
Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Stan Tatkin (Jan 2, 2012)
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love
by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (Jan 5, 2012)
by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (Jan 5, 2012)
The Power of Love by Diane Poole Heller (March 12, 2019)