Listening is Loving
Adapted from the following articles
A Therapist Explains How To Really Listen To Another Human Being
How to Practice Active Listening
10 Steps To Effective Listening
A Therapist Explains How To Really Listen To Another Human Being
Let’s face it: Most people aren’t good listeners. But it’s not their fault. No one (well, very few people) are out here trying to ignore your important thoughts and problems. They want to help, but listening is hard.
So, what’s the issue? Well, first off, most of us are not taught how to listen to others. And, second, when we are taught about listening, it’s often presented as just not talking. All you need to know is this: Like any other skill, listening well takes time and practice. And in order to help you communicate better, we enlisted the help of Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist, to give us a primer on how to stop just hearing and start really learning how to buckle down and listen to the people in your life.
Slow Down
Those who jump into the conversation as soon as a moment presents itself — aren’t typically trying to one-up or hurt the people they’re speaking with. “One of the communication patterns I’ve seen most frequently, in the US in particular, is that we’re all really quick to want to help another person, and think that we understand them,” Marin says.
While this doesn’t sound at all bad (who doesn’t want to be understood?) Marin points out that the problem arises when we’re in such a rush to connect with another person — to show them that we “get it” — that we stop paying attention and jump right into reciprocal sharing; that is, we start describing an experience we’ve had that’s parallel to the one that’s being discussed, as an attempt to show understanding.
“We can be so desperate to get to that moment of connection that we often end up cutting the other person off prematurely,” Marin adds. “I see a lot of jumping to conclusions; or the speaker is halfway through the sentence, and you’re like, ‘Oh, no, no, no, I got it, I got it, I know where you’re going already.'”
The problem? You usually don’t know where the other person is going. And even if you do, jumping in will often feel like an interruption rather than a genuine moment in which you and the speaker truly feel each other.
“Slow down, and really let the person get their full thought out before responding,” Marin says. “Often, when we think we’re listening, what we’re actually doing is planning our response. You can’t do both of those things at the same time.” That means you may think you’re listening (and your intentions are probably good) but you’re actually not.
You’re going to have to be more mindful of how you communicate. First, slow down and stop thinking about your responses while you’re listening. Your goal isn’t to force a connection or help someone — that comes later — but to show the person that what they’re saying is important. Focus on the other person, and then ask questions instead of jumping in with your own personal experience. “You don’t have to get to that place of ‘I get it,’” so quickly,” Marin says. “It’s okay to have a little uncertainty.”
“Really be thoughtful about letting the person finish their full sentence,” Marin adds, “and maybe even let there be a little bit of an awkward pause at the end, just so you can fully make sure that they’re saying what it is they needed to say. If you’ve interrupted somebody, that’s a tell-tale sign that you’re not doing a good job of listening, you’re jumping ahead a little too much.”
Ask Questions
Think about your goals when you’re listening to someone. “I think a lot of it is trying to take this mindset of genuinely being curious about what’s going on in another person’s head,” Marin says. “A lot of us start to get this idea that when you know somebody really well you know what’s going on in their head, and the reality is that we never know what’s going on in another person’s head, like ever. Truly ever.”
In order to combat this, Marin suggests cultivating what she calls “a beginner’s mind.” “It’s trying to get to this place of feeling more curiosity, and more of the unknown of really trying to get a sense of, ‘what’s going on in that person’s brain?’ ‘How are they stringing their thoughts together?’ ‘What’s coming up for them in this moment?’” she says. “And the only way you can do that, to truly be curious and show whoever you’re speaking to that you’re hearing them, is to squelch the impulse to share or rescue and start asking questions instead.”
There are two types of questions you could ask:
“I think we’re all desperate to be listened to,” Marin says, “so if we get a sense that the other person is really making a genuine effort, and they really care, nobody’s going to complain and be like, ‘No, I don’t want to explain that to you again.’ As long as you’re having that good attitude about it, and the person understands that your motivations are pure.”
“I think a lot of us have that natural reaction to want to jump into problem-solver mode, especially when it’s somebody that you really care about,” Marin continues. “You don’t want to see them hurting, or dealing with something difficult, so a great question that you can ask is, ‘what do you need from me around this, do you need to just talk about it? Do you want me to help you brainstorm some solutions? Do you want me to take the lead and do something?’”
“Assume that person is saying, ‘hey, I need you to just listen right now,’ then that would instantly put you more into that mindset, where you’re not having pressure on your shoulder of, ‘Oh God, I have to listen to him, and understand what he’s saying, and I need to come up with the perfect solution to how to make him not feel this way.’”
Intention is Paramount
When you’re listening, it’s going to take some effort to not immediately jump into thinking, talking, and helping mode. But, as mentioned before, what you see as helping may feel like a rude interruption to the person you’re listening to.
“I think that something to really have in the back of your mind is, ‘all I need to do is just listen to this person, and be there for them, be there right here in this moment with them here right now,’” Marin says. “I think that’s probably the biggest mind shift that most of us could stand to have.”
Will it feel weird at first? Sure. But that’s because most of us have never actually given ourselves the freedom to listen to another person. We’re so caught up in the act of fixing that we often discount how much effort true active listening takes. And listening takes a lot of effort. It is not the absence of talking. So pay attention to body language, tone of voice, what the person’s face is telling you. How is the other person speaking? Do they sound tense or anxious? If you’re truly listening, you’re taking all that into account, and that leaves much less space for you to focus on other things (like what you’re going to say next, or what you’re planning to have for dinner).
Accept that it’s okay to be Bored
“There are lots on mundane conversations that you’re going to have that are not thrilling in any way,” Marin says. “I think there are two approaches that you can take: on the one hand you can try to see if there’s a way to get yourself more engaged, so maybe asking questions, trying to get a little more detail. Maybe your husband starts working on a cool project that catches your attention more than other projects he’s worked on. There are ways to find a little bit more of a hook for you in it.”
“The other piece of it,” she adds, “is just recognizing that there are absolutely going to be lots of conversations that are not going to be exciting. That’s where it’s good to remember that you don’t need to do anything when you’re listening, sometimes that person just wants to be heard, they just want to share what happened in their day, or tell you about the project. But they don’t need you to come up with any solutions or have some amazing understanding of it, or anything like that, it’s just normal day-to-day conversations.”
“There’s something there about just having a sense of goodwill with each other and recognizing that nobody’s ever trying to be boring, or mundane,” Marin says. “When we’re communicating with another person, especially with our partners, we’re trying to connect with them, we’re trying to have some time with them, just have some moments of intimacy and connection. Even if there are times when one of us brings up something that’s kind of boring, and not the most exciting thing, recognizing that, at the root of that, it’s just a desire for connection, that’s a really and special thing, even if the topic itself is HR memos.”
And there’s one more benefit to listening well: When you listen to another person well, and they feel truly heard, they’ll listen to you when it’s your turn to speak. Is it going to take some practice? Absolutely. But in the end, Marin says, it’s a win-win.
How to Practice Active Listening
Active listening refers to a pattern of listening that keeps you engaged with your conversation partner in a positive way. It is the process of listening attentively while someone else speaks, paraphrasing and reflecting back what is said, and withholding judgment and advice.
When you practice active listening, you make the other person feel heard and valued. In this way, active listening is the foundation for any successful conversation.
Features of Active Listening
Active listening involves more than just hearing someone speak. When you practice active listening, you are fully concentrating on what is being said. You listen with all of your senses and give your full attention to the person speaking.
Below are some features of active listening:1
The Purpose
Active listening means not engaging in unhelpful listening habits such as the following:
The following tips will help you to become a better active listener:
10 Steps To Effective Listening
In today's high-tech, high-speed, high-stress world, communication is more important than ever, yet we seem to devote less and less time to really listening to one another.
Face the speaker and maintain eye contact.
Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says:
When listening to someone talk about a problem, refrain from suggesting solutions. Many times, people aren’t looking for advice. They just want to process and be heard and figure out their own solutions. Listening and reflecting and questioning can help do that. If after listening for a while, you are absolutely bursting with a brilliant solution, at least get the speaker's permission. Ask, "Would you like to hear my ideas?"
Ask questions only to ensure understanding.
Show that you understand where the speaker is coming from by reflecting the speaker's feelings.
Sometimes it is helpful to feedback exactly what you are hearing to be sure you understand the message.
We glean a great deal of information about each other without saying a word. Even over the telephone, you can learn a lot from the tone and cadence of the voice. Face to face, you can detect enthusiasm, boredom, or irritation very quickly in the expression around the eyes, the mouth, the slope of the shoulders. These are clues you can't ignore. When listening, remember that words convey only part of the message
A Therapist Explains How To Really Listen To Another Human Being
How to Practice Active Listening
10 Steps To Effective Listening
A Therapist Explains How To Really Listen To Another Human Being
Let’s face it: Most people aren’t good listeners. But it’s not their fault. No one (well, very few people) are out here trying to ignore your important thoughts and problems. They want to help, but listening is hard.
So, what’s the issue? Well, first off, most of us are not taught how to listen to others. And, second, when we are taught about listening, it’s often presented as just not talking. All you need to know is this: Like any other skill, listening well takes time and practice. And in order to help you communicate better, we enlisted the help of Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist, to give us a primer on how to stop just hearing and start really learning how to buckle down and listen to the people in your life.
Slow Down
Those who jump into the conversation as soon as a moment presents itself — aren’t typically trying to one-up or hurt the people they’re speaking with. “One of the communication patterns I’ve seen most frequently, in the US in particular, is that we’re all really quick to want to help another person, and think that we understand them,” Marin says.
While this doesn’t sound at all bad (who doesn’t want to be understood?) Marin points out that the problem arises when we’re in such a rush to connect with another person — to show them that we “get it” — that we stop paying attention and jump right into reciprocal sharing; that is, we start describing an experience we’ve had that’s parallel to the one that’s being discussed, as an attempt to show understanding.
“We can be so desperate to get to that moment of connection that we often end up cutting the other person off prematurely,” Marin adds. “I see a lot of jumping to conclusions; or the speaker is halfway through the sentence, and you’re like, ‘Oh, no, no, no, I got it, I got it, I know where you’re going already.'”
The problem? You usually don’t know where the other person is going. And even if you do, jumping in will often feel like an interruption rather than a genuine moment in which you and the speaker truly feel each other.
“Slow down, and really let the person get their full thought out before responding,” Marin says. “Often, when we think we’re listening, what we’re actually doing is planning our response. You can’t do both of those things at the same time.” That means you may think you’re listening (and your intentions are probably good) but you’re actually not.
You’re going to have to be more mindful of how you communicate. First, slow down and stop thinking about your responses while you’re listening. Your goal isn’t to force a connection or help someone — that comes later — but to show the person that what they’re saying is important. Focus on the other person, and then ask questions instead of jumping in with your own personal experience. “You don’t have to get to that place of ‘I get it,’” so quickly,” Marin says. “It’s okay to have a little uncertainty.”
“Really be thoughtful about letting the person finish their full sentence,” Marin adds, “and maybe even let there be a little bit of an awkward pause at the end, just so you can fully make sure that they’re saying what it is they needed to say. If you’ve interrupted somebody, that’s a tell-tale sign that you’re not doing a good job of listening, you’re jumping ahead a little too much.”
Ask Questions
Think about your goals when you’re listening to someone. “I think a lot of it is trying to take this mindset of genuinely being curious about what’s going on in another person’s head,” Marin says. “A lot of us start to get this idea that when you know somebody really well you know what’s going on in their head, and the reality is that we never know what’s going on in another person’s head, like ever. Truly ever.”
In order to combat this, Marin suggests cultivating what she calls “a beginner’s mind.” “It’s trying to get to this place of feeling more curiosity, and more of the unknown of really trying to get a sense of, ‘what’s going on in that person’s brain?’ ‘How are they stringing their thoughts together?’ ‘What’s coming up for them in this moment?’” she says. “And the only way you can do that, to truly be curious and show whoever you’re speaking to that you’re hearing them, is to squelch the impulse to share or rescue and start asking questions instead.”
There are two types of questions you could ask:
- The first type is content-based, so ask the person you’re listening to “tell you more.”
- If they’re feeling a particular type of way, ask them about another time they’ve felt that way before and what it was like. Feel free to be openly curious about the situation the other person is going through, without being judgmental.
- So avoid questions like ‘why did you do that?’ and go for more questions like ‘and what happened next?’ or ‘how do you feel about that?’ If you notice them expressing some feelings, there’s also the old stand-by of ‘well, how are you feeling right now as you tell me this?’ Sometimes, just asking a person how they feel in the moment can be a powerful way to foster connection.
- The second type of question? A good way to ask questions is trying to repeat back what you think that you heard,” Marin says. “So just try saying like, ‘Okay, is this what you’re saying? I think I understand. Is it this?’ That can be a really good way to gauge if you’re hearing right.” This allows the other person to let you know if you’re actually getting them (we’re often wrong!) and lets you get a good sense of whether you’re picking up on what they’re saying.
“I think we’re all desperate to be listened to,” Marin says, “so if we get a sense that the other person is really making a genuine effort, and they really care, nobody’s going to complain and be like, ‘No, I don’t want to explain that to you again.’ As long as you’re having that good attitude about it, and the person understands that your motivations are pure.”
“I think a lot of us have that natural reaction to want to jump into problem-solver mode, especially when it’s somebody that you really care about,” Marin continues. “You don’t want to see them hurting, or dealing with something difficult, so a great question that you can ask is, ‘what do you need from me around this, do you need to just talk about it? Do you want me to help you brainstorm some solutions? Do you want me to take the lead and do something?’”
“Assume that person is saying, ‘hey, I need you to just listen right now,’ then that would instantly put you more into that mindset, where you’re not having pressure on your shoulder of, ‘Oh God, I have to listen to him, and understand what he’s saying, and I need to come up with the perfect solution to how to make him not feel this way.’”
Intention is Paramount
When you’re listening, it’s going to take some effort to not immediately jump into thinking, talking, and helping mode. But, as mentioned before, what you see as helping may feel like a rude interruption to the person you’re listening to.
“I think that something to really have in the back of your mind is, ‘all I need to do is just listen to this person, and be there for them, be there right here in this moment with them here right now,’” Marin says. “I think that’s probably the biggest mind shift that most of us could stand to have.”
Will it feel weird at first? Sure. But that’s because most of us have never actually given ourselves the freedom to listen to another person. We’re so caught up in the act of fixing that we often discount how much effort true active listening takes. And listening takes a lot of effort. It is not the absence of talking. So pay attention to body language, tone of voice, what the person’s face is telling you. How is the other person speaking? Do they sound tense or anxious? If you’re truly listening, you’re taking all that into account, and that leaves much less space for you to focus on other things (like what you’re going to say next, or what you’re planning to have for dinner).
Accept that it’s okay to be Bored
“There are lots on mundane conversations that you’re going to have that are not thrilling in any way,” Marin says. “I think there are two approaches that you can take: on the one hand you can try to see if there’s a way to get yourself more engaged, so maybe asking questions, trying to get a little more detail. Maybe your husband starts working on a cool project that catches your attention more than other projects he’s worked on. There are ways to find a little bit more of a hook for you in it.”
“The other piece of it,” she adds, “is just recognizing that there are absolutely going to be lots of conversations that are not going to be exciting. That’s where it’s good to remember that you don’t need to do anything when you’re listening, sometimes that person just wants to be heard, they just want to share what happened in their day, or tell you about the project. But they don’t need you to come up with any solutions or have some amazing understanding of it, or anything like that, it’s just normal day-to-day conversations.”
“There’s something there about just having a sense of goodwill with each other and recognizing that nobody’s ever trying to be boring, or mundane,” Marin says. “When we’re communicating with another person, especially with our partners, we’re trying to connect with them, we’re trying to have some time with them, just have some moments of intimacy and connection. Even if there are times when one of us brings up something that’s kind of boring, and not the most exciting thing, recognizing that, at the root of that, it’s just a desire for connection, that’s a really and special thing, even if the topic itself is HR memos.”
And there’s one more benefit to listening well: When you listen to another person well, and they feel truly heard, they’ll listen to you when it’s your turn to speak. Is it going to take some practice? Absolutely. But in the end, Marin says, it’s a win-win.
How to Practice Active Listening
Active listening refers to a pattern of listening that keeps you engaged with your conversation partner in a positive way. It is the process of listening attentively while someone else speaks, paraphrasing and reflecting back what is said, and withholding judgment and advice.
When you practice active listening, you make the other person feel heard and valued. In this way, active listening is the foundation for any successful conversation.
Features of Active Listening
Active listening involves more than just hearing someone speak. When you practice active listening, you are fully concentrating on what is being said. You listen with all of your senses and give your full attention to the person speaking.
Below are some features of active listening:1
- Neutral and nonjudgmental
- Patient (periods of silence are not "filled")
- Verbal and nonverbal feedback to show signs of listening (e.g., smiling, eye contact, leaning in, mirroring)
- Asking questions
- Reflecting back what is said
- Asking for clarification
- Summarizing
The Purpose
- Active listening serves the purpose of earning the trust of others and helping you to understand their situations.
- Active listening comprises both a desire to comprehend as well as to offer support and empathy to the speaker.
- You are not evaluating the message of the other person with the goal of offering your own opinion. Rather, the goal is simply for the other person to be heard, and perhaps to solve their own problems.
Active listening means not engaging in unhelpful listening habits such as the following:
- Being stuck in your own head
- Not showing respect for the speaker
- Only hearing superficial meaning (not hearing underlying meaning)
- Interrupting
- Not making eye contact
- Rushing the speaker
- Becoming distracted
- "Topping" the story (saying "that reminds me of the time...")
- Forgetting what was said in the past
- Asking about unimportant details
- Focusing too much on details and missing the big picture
- Ignoring what you don't understand
- Daydreaming
- Only pretending to pay attention
- Relationships
- Active listening has many benefits in your relationships. It allows you to understand the point of view of another person and respond with empathy. It also allows you to ask questions to make sure you understand what is being said.
- Finally, it validates the speaker and makes them want to speak longer.2 It's not hard to see how this type of listening would benefit relationships.
- Being an active listener in a relationship means that you recognize that the conversation is more about your partner than about you. This is especially important when a relationship partner is distressedYour ability to listen actively to a partner going through a difficult time is a valuable skill. In addition, active listening helps relationships in that you will be less likely to jump in with a "quick fix" when the other person really just wants to be heard.
- Work
- Active listening at work is particularly important if you are in a supervisory position or interact with colleagues.
- Active listening allows you to understand problems and collaborate to develop solutions. It also reflects your patience, a valuable skill in any workplace.
- Social Situations
- In social situations, active listening will benefit you as you meet new people. Asking questions, seeking clarification, and watching body language are all ways to learn more about the people whom you meet.
- When you listen actively, the other person is also likely to speak to you for a longer time. This makes active listening one of the best ways to turn acquaintances into friends.
The following tips will help you to become a better active listener:
- Make eye contact while the other person speaks. In general, you should aim for eye contact about 60% to 70% of the time while you are listening. Lean toward the other person, and nod your head occasionally. Avoid folding your arms as this signals that you are not listening.
- Paraphrase what has been said, rather than offering unsolicited advice or opinions. You might start this off by saying "In other words, what you are saying is...".
- Don't interrupt while the other person is speaking. Do not prepare your reply while the other person speaks; the last thing that he or she says may change the meaning of what has already been said.
- Watch nonverbal behavior to pick up on hidden meaning, in addition to listening to what is said. Facial expressions, tone of voice, and other behaviors can sometimes tell you more than words alone.
- Shut down your internal dialogue while listening. Avoid daydreaming. It is impossible to attentively listen to someone else and your own internal voice at the same time.
- Show interest by asking questions to clarify what is said. Ask open-ended questions to encourage the speaker. Avoid closed yes-or-no questions that tend to shut down the conversation.
- Avoid abruptly changing the subject; it will appear that you were not listening to the other person.
- Be open, neutral, and withhold judgment while listening.
- Be patient while you listen. We are capable of listening much faster than others can speak.
- Learn to recognize active listening. Watch television interviews and observe whether the interviewer is practicing active listening. Learn from the mistakes of others.
10 Steps To Effective Listening
In today's high-tech, high-speed, high-stress world, communication is more important than ever, yet we seem to devote less and less time to really listening to one another.
- Genuine listening has become a rare gift—the gift of time. It helps build relationships, solve problems, ensure understanding, resolve conflicts, and improve accuracy.
- At work, effective listening means fewer errors and less wasted time.
- At home, it helps develop resourceful, self-reliant kids who can solve their own problems.
- Listening builds friendships and careers. It saves money and marriages.
Face the speaker and maintain eye contact.
- Talking to someone while they scan the room, study a computer screen, or gaze out the window is like trying to hit a moving target. How much of the person's divided attention are you actually getting? Fifty percent? Five percent?
- In most Western cultures, eye contact is considered a basic ingredient of effective communication. When we talk, we look each other in the eye. The desire for better communication pulls you together. Give your partner the courtesy of turning to face them. Put aside papers, books, the phone and other distractions. Look at them, even if they don't look at you. Shyness, uncertainty, shame, guilt, or other emotions, along with cultural taboos, can inhibit eye contact in some people under some circumstances. But stay focused yourself.
- Now that you've made eye contact, relax. You don't have to stare at the other person. You can look away now and then. The important thing is to be attentive. Be present. Mentally screen out distractions, like background activity and noise. In addition, try not to focus on the speaker's accent or speech mannerisms to the point where they become distractions. Finally, don't be distracted by your own thoughts, feelings, or biases.
- Another way to describe being attentive is active listening. Active listening builds rapport, understanding, and trust. It involves fully concentrating on what is being said. It's not just about remembering the content of what someone is sharing, but actively seeking to understand the complete message--including the emotional tones--being conveyed. This type of listening involves participating in the other person's world and being connected to what the other person is experiencing.
- Listen without judging the other person or mentally criticizing. If what they say alarms you, notice the feeling, but don't say to yourself, "Well, that was a stupid move." As soon as you indulge in judgmental thoughts, you've compromised your effectiveness as a listener. Stay curious. Listen without jumping to conclusions. It is important to get clarity, so don’t assume you know what they are talking about too quickly. It takes time to fully understand what is being said.
- Don't be a sentence-grabber. Occasionally you may feel the pace is too slow to listen effectively, so you may try to speed them up by interrupting and finishing their sentences. If you do this you will be following your own train of thought and won’t learn where their thoughts are headed.
- Allow your mind to create a mental model of the information being communicated. Whether a literal picture, or an arrangement of abstract concepts, your brain will do the necessary work if you stay focused, with senses fully alert. When listening for long stretches, concentrate on, and remember, key words and phrases.
- When it's your turn to listen, don’t spend the time planning what to say next. You can't rehearse and listen at the same time. Think only about what the other person is saying.
- Finally, concentrate on what is being said, even if it bores you. If your thoughts start to wander, immediately force yourself to refocus.
Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says:
- "I'm more important than you are."
- "What I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant."
- "I don't really care what you think."
- "I don't have time for your opinion."
- "This isn't a conversation, it's a contest, and I'm going to win."
When listening to someone talk about a problem, refrain from suggesting solutions. Many times, people aren’t looking for advice. They just want to process and be heard and figure out their own solutions. Listening and reflecting and questioning can help do that. If after listening for a while, you are absolutely bursting with a brilliant solution, at least get the speaker's permission. Ask, "Would you like to hear my ideas?"
Ask questions only to ensure understanding.
- When you don't understand something, of course you should ask the speaker to explain it to you. But rather than interrupt, wait until the speaker pauses. Then say something like, "Can you back up a second? I didn't understand what you just said about…"
- Be careful not to ask a question that could divert the conversation in a direction they didn’t want to go. Here is an example. At lunch, a colleague is excitedly telling you about her trip to Vermont and all the wonderful things she did and saw. In the course of this chronicle, she mentions that she spent some time with a mutual friend. You jump in with, "Oh, I haven't heard from Alice in ages. How is she?" and, just like that, discussion shifts to Alice and her divorce, and the poor kids, which leads to a comparison of custody laws, and before you know it an hour is gone and Vermont is a distant memory. Our questions lead people in directions that have nothing to do with where they thought they were going. Sometimes we work our way back to the original topic, but very often we don't.
- If you inadvertently ask a question like this, take responsibility for getting the conversation back on track by saying something like, "It was great to hear about Alice, but tell me more about your adventure in Vermont."
- If you feel sad when the person with whom you are talking expresses sadness, joyful when she expresses joy, fearful when she describes her fears—and convey those feelings through your facial expressions and words—then your effectiveness as a listener is assured. Empathy is the heart and soul of good listening.
- To experience empathy, you have to put yourself in the other person's place and allow yourself to feel what it is like to them at that moment. You don’t have to have experienced the exact same thing. You are connecting to the feeling of the what happened. For some this may not be easy to do. It takes energy and concentration. But it is a generous and helpful thing to do, and it facilitates communication like nothing else does.
Show that you understand where the speaker is coming from by reflecting the speaker's feelings.
- "You must be thrilled!"
- "What a terrible ordeal for you."
- "I can see that you are confused."
- “That sounds awful.”
- “That makes sense.”
Sometimes it is helpful to feedback exactly what you are hearing to be sure you understand the message.
- If you are being told how to handle a certain task, always restate instructions and messages to be sure you understand correctly.
- Your partner may be wanting to tell you how they feel about something you did that hurt them. In this case it is important say something like, “Let me be sure I’m really understand how you are feeling.” Then repeat back what you heard to be sure your partner feels heard. Then ask, “Did I miss anything?”
- If you are making an agreement with someone, repeat back the agreement to be sure both of you are clear on what the agreement is.
We glean a great deal of information about each other without saying a word. Even over the telephone, you can learn a lot from the tone and cadence of the voice. Face to face, you can detect enthusiasm, boredom, or irritation very quickly in the expression around the eyes, the mouth, the slope of the shoulders. These are clues you can't ignore. When listening, remember that words convey only part of the message