How to Make Win-Win Agreements
When you and your partner are trying to come to an agreement, it must always be a win-win solution for the both of you. If you have to drag your partner along or get something at their cost, resentment will build up and you likely find yourself re-litigating the unfair deal down the road. You two must work in tandem. It may require a little more negotiation and creative energy, but it is worth it. A deal that is good for both of you will contribute to the security of your relationship in the long run. Unilateral decisions should not be made unless one partner defers to the other to make the decision.
So the first agreement you need to make is that you will continue the conversation until you both agree. One of you may have difficulty being honest about what you want. You must create safety for both of you to articulate your thoughts and feelings about the issue.
The stronger you both feel about what you want the more difficult it will be to negotiate. It can be helpful for each of you to rate how strongly you feel with a 0-10 scale. If your partner's number is high, you will have to figure out if you can accept what they want. If not, you may be facing a deal breaker. These could be issues like moving for a job, where to live, if and when to have kids, spending large amounts of money, etc. It will get difficult and frustrating. Allow for multiple conversations over time in order to allow for shifting of each other’s position to see if the issue can be resolved.
Each of you needs to seek to understand what your partner wants in order to do your best to help give them as much of what they want as possible. You should be able to articulate each other's position as well as they can. Ask lots of questions to fully understand what is important to each other.
Whoever feels the strongest about the outcome of the agreement should go first to make their needs known. The other partner should communicate which parts of the proposal they can agree to and then offer another option for the parts they don’t agree with. If you have difficulty with some part of what your partner wants, you have to present another option trying to take care of you and your partner at the same time.
Resist reacting too soon to what you are not getting. If you are committed to a win-win you can trust that with enough dialogue and time you will get to something that is acceptable to both. It can be scary to feel like you are at an impasse, but if it’s not a deal breaker for you then try to get to a level of acceptance.
Be careful not to get stuck in fighting for what you want and digging your heels in too soon. Always consider what your partner wants as you try to collaborate on a decision that works for both of you. Keep in mind that you will not likely get everything you want, which will require some shifting in your expectations.
If one partner is not getting what they want consider sweetening the deal in some other way that is not related to the specific issue being discussed.
So the first agreement you need to make is that you will continue the conversation until you both agree. One of you may have difficulty being honest about what you want. You must create safety for both of you to articulate your thoughts and feelings about the issue.
The stronger you both feel about what you want the more difficult it will be to negotiate. It can be helpful for each of you to rate how strongly you feel with a 0-10 scale. If your partner's number is high, you will have to figure out if you can accept what they want. If not, you may be facing a deal breaker. These could be issues like moving for a job, where to live, if and when to have kids, spending large amounts of money, etc. It will get difficult and frustrating. Allow for multiple conversations over time in order to allow for shifting of each other’s position to see if the issue can be resolved.
Each of you needs to seek to understand what your partner wants in order to do your best to help give them as much of what they want as possible. You should be able to articulate each other's position as well as they can. Ask lots of questions to fully understand what is important to each other.
Whoever feels the strongest about the outcome of the agreement should go first to make their needs known. The other partner should communicate which parts of the proposal they can agree to and then offer another option for the parts they don’t agree with. If you have difficulty with some part of what your partner wants, you have to present another option trying to take care of you and your partner at the same time.
Resist reacting too soon to what you are not getting. If you are committed to a win-win you can trust that with enough dialogue and time you will get to something that is acceptable to both. It can be scary to feel like you are at an impasse, but if it’s not a deal breaker for you then try to get to a level of acceptance.
Be careful not to get stuck in fighting for what you want and digging your heels in too soon. Always consider what your partner wants as you try to collaborate on a decision that works for both of you. Keep in mind that you will not likely get everything you want, which will require some shifting in your expectations.
If one partner is not getting what they want consider sweetening the deal in some other way that is not related to the specific issue being discussed.
Key points
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13 Win Win Tactics in Negotiating
Negotiating effectively is about making everyone feel like they got a win
1. Think of the long-term mutual gain instead of the short-time personal gain. A win-win negotiation means a shared benefit. Forget about your own personal gain and concentrate on what will make both sides happy.
2. Set a trusting, cooperative tone for the meeting right from the beginning. Win-win negotiations are built on a foundation of trust and shared respect. The ways to achieve this are to...
4. Discuss the issues using first person plural pronouns. First person plural pronouns (we, our, us) highlight mutual benefit and suggest teamwork.
5. Focus on interests, not positions. Positions are what you want; interests are how you get them. When you move from the what to the why, you move from a potentially negative discussion of demands to a positive discussion of common needs.
6. Increase the numbers of issues you negotiate. You increase the chance for win-win outcomes by increasing the amount of matters you can resolve. Make it so both of you gain something of value.
7. Avoid ultimatums. A take-it-or-leave-it attitude creates pressure and limits options. Don't paint yourself or the other person into a corner. That would make it a win-lose scenario.
8. Give to get. Show your willingness to give and take as long as the other party is willing to do the same.
9. Don't get caught up in the emotion of the negotiation. Maintain your composure and objectivity. If you become angry, you lose.
10. Engage in creative problem solving. The problem you and the other party are trying to solve can be stated very simply: How can we arrive at a deal that maximizes our individual benefits, minimizes our individual losses and is fair for both? Brainstorm all possible alternatives that achieve all three criteria. Choose the alternative both can live with.
11. Keep searching for ways to add value. Leave out no possibility to find ways to increase the value of what the other person wants... while keeping what you want.
12. Make concessions gradually and in increments. Small incremental moves are better than one sudden, large and drastic move during the course of the negotiations. Smaller compromises are less threatening and easier to obtain.
13. Document all agreements. Avoid any possibility of a misunderstanding that would blow the whole deal. That would create a lose-lose scenario, and you will have wasted each other's time.
2. Set a trusting, cooperative tone for the meeting right from the beginning. Win-win negotiations are built on a foundation of trust and shared respect. The ways to achieve this are to...
- state your desire to achieve mutual benefit.
- state your desire for a long-term relationship.
- insert the phrase win-win into your vocabulary.
- show proof of your honesty and willingness to serve.
4. Discuss the issues using first person plural pronouns. First person plural pronouns (we, our, us) highlight mutual benefit and suggest teamwork.
5. Focus on interests, not positions. Positions are what you want; interests are how you get them. When you move from the what to the why, you move from a potentially negative discussion of demands to a positive discussion of common needs.
6. Increase the numbers of issues you negotiate. You increase the chance for win-win outcomes by increasing the amount of matters you can resolve. Make it so both of you gain something of value.
7. Avoid ultimatums. A take-it-or-leave-it attitude creates pressure and limits options. Don't paint yourself or the other person into a corner. That would make it a win-lose scenario.
8. Give to get. Show your willingness to give and take as long as the other party is willing to do the same.
9. Don't get caught up in the emotion of the negotiation. Maintain your composure and objectivity. If you become angry, you lose.
10. Engage in creative problem solving. The problem you and the other party are trying to solve can be stated very simply: How can we arrive at a deal that maximizes our individual benefits, minimizes our individual losses and is fair for both? Brainstorm all possible alternatives that achieve all three criteria. Choose the alternative both can live with.
11. Keep searching for ways to add value. Leave out no possibility to find ways to increase the value of what the other person wants... while keeping what you want.
12. Make concessions gradually and in increments. Small incremental moves are better than one sudden, large and drastic move during the course of the negotiations. Smaller compromises are less threatening and easier to obtain.
13. Document all agreements. Avoid any possibility of a misunderstanding that would blow the whole deal. That would create a lose-lose scenario, and you will have wasted each other's time.