What is Shame?

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
  • Everyone has it – it is our most primitive human emotion..
  • No one wants to talk about it.
  • ​The less we talk about it, the more we have it. If you “don’t do shame,” shame will “do” you.
  • Shame hates words wrapped around it.

How Shame Grows
  • Shame is a social concept. Shame happens between people and heals between people.
  • Shame needs three things to grow exponentially:
    • Secrecy
    • Silence
    • Judgment​
Definitions
  • Shame: “I am bad.” Focus on self, not behavior, with the result that we feel alone. Shame is never known to lead us toward positive change.
  • Guilt: “I did something bad.” Focus on behavior. Guilt has the potential to motivate us toward positive change.
  • Embarrassment: fleeting, sometimes funny. “I know I am not alone - it could have happened to someone else.”
  • Humiliation: the variable that differentiates humiliation is: “Did I deserve this?”
Where Shame Shows Up
Depression
Anxiety
Eating disorders
Infidelity
Addiction
Appearance / body image
Money
Work
Family
Parenting
Sex
Aging
Religion
Surviving trauma
Clues to Shame Being Present
  • “Negative tapes” or “gremlins”
  • Keeping secrets - from you and others
  • Doing the same negative behavior repeatedly
  • Avoiding or minimizing a topic that causes pain
  • People-pleasing
  • Aggression, anger
Women and Shame
Shame is...
  • when you are anything less than “perfect”
  • being judged by other mothers
  • being exposed
  • never “good enough”
  • when you can’t pull off looking like it is all under control
  • “never enough”
  • having no seat at the “cool table”
Men and Shame
Shame is...
  • failure
  • being wrong
  • a sense of being defective
  • when people think you are “soft”
  • revealing a weakness
  • showing fear
  • being seen as “the guy you can shove up against the lockers”
  • being criticized or ridiculed
What is shame for you?
Most Common Negative and Positive Beliefs
Responsibility — Defectiveness – Shame.
​I am worthless.

I am not loveable.

I do not deserve ___________.

I am a bad person.

I am defective.

I am a failure.
I am terrible.

I am not good enough.

I am permanently damaged. 
I am ugly.
​I am stupid.

I am invisible.

I am a disappointment.

I deserve to die.

I deserve to be miserable.

I am different.

I don’t belong.
I am worthy.

I am loveable.

I deserve ___________.
​I am a good person.

I am fine as I am.

I am a success. (I am worthy.)

I am ok.

I am good enough.

I am whole. (I am healing.)

I am attractive. (I am fine as I am.) 
I am smart.

I matter.

I am ok as I am.

I deserve to live.

I deserve to be happy. 
I am ok as I am.

I belong.
Responsibility — Actions – Guilt.
​I should have...

I should not have ___________.

I did something wrong.

I should have known better.
​I did the best I could.

I learned from it. (I can learn from it.) 
I do the best I can.

I did OK.
Safety — Perception of Danger
​I am in danger.

I will be hurt.

I am going to die.

I cannot trust anyone.

It’s not OK to show my emotions. 
I cannot let it out.

It’s horrible.
​I am safe.

I am safe now.

I survived. I am safe now.

I can choose whom to trust now. 
It’s OK to show my emotions.

I can let it out.
It’s over. 
It’s in the past now.
Control — Choices – Self-efficacy
​I am not in control. 
I am powerless.

I am helpless.

I am weak.
I cannot get what I want.

I cannot succeed.

I have to be perfect (please everyone). 
I cannot protect myself.

I cannot stand up for myself
.
I cannot be trusted.

I cannot trust myself.

I cannot trust my judgment.
​I am in control.

I am powerful. (I have choices.)

I have choices. (I am capable.)

I am strong.

I can get what I want.

I can succeed.

I can be myself. (It’s ok to make mistakes.) 
I can protect myself.

I can stand up for myself.

I can be trusted.

I trust myself.

I trust my judgment.

Awareness Leads to Shame Resilience

  • Shame resilience is the ability to...
    • practice authenticity when experiencing shame
    • move through the experience without sacrificing our values
    • come out the other side with more courage, compassion, and connection than we had going into it
  • Shame resistance is not possible - it will only further the disconnection between people and encourage shame to grow.
Three steps to becoming shame resilient:
  1. Recognizing shame and understanding its triggers
  2. Practicing critical awareness
  3. Reaching out and speaking shame
Recognizing Shame and Understanding Its Triggers
  • “Shame is biology and biography.”
  • Learning to physically recognize when you are in the grips of shame, feel your way through it, and figure out what messages and expectations triggered it

​
Questions
  • What does “shame” mean to you?
  • What are some of your physical symptoms that let you know you are experiencing shame?
  • When you feel shame, do you:
    • Go quiet and disappear? (moving away)
    • Do whatever the other person wants in order to make the shame stop or disappear? (moving towards)
    • Go on the attack, trying to make someone​ else feel bad? (moving against)
Practicing Critical Awareness
  • Reality-checking the messages and expectations that are driving shame
  • Are the messages what YOU want to be or what you think OTHERS want/need from you?
Questions
  • What were the messages you got as a child from loved ones or people who were important to you?
  • When you hear a “gremlin” in your head, are you hearing someone else’s voice? Who? Why?
  • Ideal identities: I want to be seen as ___________
  • Unwanted identities: I do not want to be seen as ___________
Reaching Out and Speaking Shame
  • Owning and sharing your story
  • Connection is critical (and often difficult
  • for clients)
  • Asking for what you need
Questions
  • Does anyone else know your story?
  • Who is someone safe with whom you can share your story? How do you know this is a safe person?
  • When might be a good opportunity to talk to this person to share your story?
  • If there isn’t anyone you can talk to, how might you connect with others who have had similar experiences?
  • What do you need from others right now? Who is capable of giving that to you?

Empathy

Shame and Empathy
  • Shame results in fear, blame (of self or others), and disconnection.
  • Empathy is the most powerful antidote to shame.​
Empathy (Theresa Wiseman)
  1. Perspective taking - putting yourself in someone else's shoes
  2. Staying out of judgment and listening
  3. Recognizing emotions in another person
  4. Communicating your understanding of that person's experience

The Power of Empathy: Empathy Drives Connection

The experts in the study of empathy are Dr. Helen Riess, Dr. Brene Brown, Roman Krznaric, Theresa Wiseman, and Dr. Heinz Kohut. 

Empathy has the ability to move us towards deeper, more meaningful relationships. Empathy connects us. And it reminds us that we are not alone. Empathy builds trust, the heart of relationships. Dr. Brene Brown created a powerful three-minute video explaining empathy. She describes the space that each of us must enter to demonstrate empathy. Entering that empathetic space may not be easy. 
It requires vulnerability. It may also trigger discomfort as you must connect with something in yourself that knows what the other person is feeling. Empathy is not solving a problem for someone. Empathy is also not sympathy, it is not feeling sorry for someone. In fact, sympathy has the potential to drive disconnection.

          Sympathy is ‘I feel bad FOR you.’ Empathy is ‘I feel WITH you.’

Empathy is a choice. Everyone is born with various levels of empathetic capacity. However, it is a skill that may be developed and sharpened. Finding a way to connect with someone’s feelings offers a better understanding of the full story. Empathy is an informer of appropriate action.
​Dr. Kahut describes empathy as the psychological oxygen that fuels relationships. Truly understanding someone, their story, and gaining perspective drives the ability to place yourself in their shoes, helping to guide your actions.
When you think about those in your life, how well do you listen and demonstrate empathy? Do you feel like you have a deep understanding of their story? Do you feel WITH them? And do they feel WITH you? Do you feel heard? Do you feel like they understand YOUR story?

Self-Compassion

  • ​We are generally fine with giving compassion to others, but typically not so good in being compassionate towards ourselves.
  • Three Elements of Self-Compassion
    • Self-kindness
    • Common humanity
    • Mindfulness
​Self-Kindness
  • Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.
    • “I just need to try harder.”
    • “I should have known better.”
    • “I've always been this way” and/or “I am never going to change.”
  • Soothing ourselves taps into our “mammalian caregiving system” and triggers the release of oxytocin
  • More than just stopping critical thoughts, self- kindness requires actively comforting ourselves, as we would a loved one who is in pain
  • Use kind words
  • Give yourself a hug, tenderly stroke your arms or face, or imagine giving yourself a hug
Common Humanity
  • Recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.
    • “Everyone else seems to get it done.”
    • “None of the other moms have problems
    • like this.”
    • “I’ve failed at being an adult.”
  • Remember that all humans make mistakes, have challenges in life, and suffer
  • Identify the ways in which your experience was connected to the larger human experience, such as acknowledging that being human means being imperfect
  • Think about the various causes and conditions underlying the painful event
Mindfulness
  • Taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated.
  • We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. 
  • ​Mindfulness requires that we not be “over- identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.
    • “I’m always going to feel this way.”
    • “I can’t think about this – I’ll get so _____, I’ll never recover.”
    • “It is not okay to feel _________.”
  • Be aware of your feelings as opposed to becoming your feelings
  • Suffering = Pain x Resistance
  • Encourage regular mindfulness practice when they are not experiencing pain
What Self-Compassion is Not
  • It is not self-pity
  • It is not self-indulgence
  • It is not self-esteem
Self-Compassion Mantra
This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.

Shame vs. Wholehearted Living

​Scarcity Culture
  • Daily messages: shame, comparison, disengagement
  • Using weapons and armor
  • Making choices that are not aligned with values
  • Experiences of shame lead to deeper fear, blame, disconnection
Wholehearted Living
  • Daily practices: courage, compassion, connection
  • Putting down the weapons and armor
  • Aligning with values
  • Shame is still painful and challenges our sense of worthiness, but can also lead to deeper self-compassion, empathy, and authenticity.

Tenets of Wholehearted Living

Love and belonging are irreducible needs of all men, women, and children. ​We’re hard-wired for connection. 
  • ​The absence of love, belonging, and connection always leads to suffering.
What it is not: When we say we have no family or friends they can trust, rely on, or ask for help.
Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging.
What it is not: When we say, “I’m such a terrible person, no one will want to be with me,” or “I don’t deserve to have good things happen to me,” or “I’m damaged goods.”
Having a strong belief that our worthiness is cultivated through our choices. 
  • Choosing on a daily basis to live according to our values, even if those around us disagree. 
  • Life doesn't just “happen” - we are deliberate.
What it is not: When we complain that life is unfair or stressful, or that we always get the short end of the stick, but we also do not make choices that align with our stated values and goals.

Values

accountability
achievement
​adventure
altruism
ambition
​adventure
​authenticity
balance
​​career
commitment
compassion
competence
​connection
​courage
​creativity
efficiency
​ethics
​excellence
fairness
faith
family
forgiveness
​generosity
gratitude
​growth
​health
​hope
​independence
integrity
​justice
knowledge
loyalty
​openness
​optimism
​power
pride
reliability
​respect
​responsibility
​safety
service
simplicity
spirituality
success
time
teamwork
vision
wealth
wisdom
Your own?
Wholehearted people live lives defined by courage, compassion, and connection.
  • They dare to be vulnerable.
  • They express compassion towards self and
  • others.
  • They cultivate meaningful relationships.
What it is not: We are “all talk” and never take the next step, are constantly shaming and blaming self and others, and who have relationships fraught with drama.
Wholehearted people are willing to be vulnerable.
  • These people attribute all of their life successes - work, relationships, parenting, etc. - to their ability to be vulnerable and take risks.
  • These are not careless, thoughtless risks, but rather risks that involve showing up and being seen, and without any guarantee of success.​
What it is not: When we play it safe, let life happen to us, and hide in the shadows.
What Stops Us from Living Wholeheartedly?
We “armor up” – being wholehearted requires vulnerability, and that is scary.
Perfectionism
  • This is not the same as striving for excellence. They are opposites. Healthy striving is internally motivating, directing us toward our own goals and values.
  • Perfectionism is all about “What will people think?” It’s an external audit. It’s about managing perception.
  • It’s a process addiction: because we try to do something perfectly and still get criticized, it reinforces the idea that we must be even more perfect next time.
  • Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. When perfectionism is driving, shame is riding shotgun, and fear is that annoying backseat driver.
Foreboding Joy
  • When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. We find that no emotion is more terrifying than joy because we believe if we allow ourselves to feel joy, we are inviting disaster.
  • We start dress rehearsing tragedy in the best moments of our lives in order to stop vulnerability from beating us to the punch. We will not be blindsided, so we practice tragedy and trauma. In the process, we squander the joy that we need to build resilience, strength, and courage.
  • In sociological surveys, everyone who showed a profound capacity for joy had one thing in common: they practiced gratitude.
Numbing
I can take the edge off emotional pain with ________________
Examples include: alcohol, drugs, sex, food, relationships, money, work, caretaking, gambling, affairs, religion, chaos, shopping, planning, perfectionism, constant change, the Internet, and the list goes on...
Stories We Tell Ourselves
What we have made up in our heads about a struggle or challenge, which may include:
  • facts
  • interpretations
  • conspiracies
  • confabulations
  • emotions
  • ​messages (from family of origin, colleagues,
  • society, etc.)
  • filters
  • self-protective measures
  • and more

10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living

  1. Cultivating Authenticity: Letting go of what people think
  2. Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting go of perfectionism
  3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting go of numbing and powerlessness
  4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark
  5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting go of the need for certainty
  6. Cultivating Creativity: Letting go of comparison
  7. Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth
  8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle
  9. Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting go of self- doubt and “supposed to”
  10. Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting go of being cool and “always in control”
Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night and thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.  The Gifts of Imperfection

References

Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Gotham Books.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong. New York, NY: Spiegel & Grau.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
www.thedaringway.com
www.self-compassion.org