When you hurt your partner you must relieve that distress as soon as possible. Distress is defined as hurt, pain, sadness, frustration, shame and even anger.
There are three mistakes people make that prevents an apology from happening:
There are three mistakes people make that prevents an apology from happening:
- You don't think you did anything wrong. Chances are you didn't necessarily do anything wrong but you still hurt your partner.
- You didn't mean to hurt your partner. It is rare that we intentionally cause pain to our partner. So if you only apologize when you hurt them intentionally, you won't be apologizing much. It's as if you are saying, "I didn't mean to hurt you so you shouldn't feel hurt."
- You explain why you did what you did that caused the hurt, thinking that if you have a good explanation, they will understand and it will relieve the pain. Explanation before repair feels like defensiveness to the injured person. It may be appropriate to explain why you did it but only after solid repair. Explanations can be helpful when making an agreement to prevent the injury from happening again.
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If you are the injured person
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If you are the injuring person
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Tell your partner you are hurt in a non-threatening way.
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Seek to understand your partner’s pain, see your role in it and express empathy and remorse.
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You may withdraw and give the silent treatment or pretend nothing is wrong.
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Gently ask your partner...
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You may attack and call names.
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You may feel the need to defend and attack in return or withdraw. Try not to take it personally and to see the reaction as pain that you caused and be curious about what happened.
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You can help your partner come out of shame.
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You may feel shame that your partner is in distress and you don’t know how to take responsibility without being overcome with self-blame. Your focus turns to how you can never be good enough for your partner and then they find themselves having to take care of you rather than you repairing the hurt you caused. You must develop some shame resilience so you can relieve the pain of your partner. There is no shame in feeling shame but if you stay there you won't be able to repair. Explore where it comes from.
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The Path to Relief
As soon as distress emerges, get curious about what caused the distress. Explore their experience until it makes sense to you why they got hurt by what you did or said, or what you didn't do or say. Once you understand, then you empathize, express regret and apologize. An apology is meant to repair damage done to a trusting relationship by acknowledging pain caused, accepting responsibility, and expressing sincere regret at having done something hurtful to a person you care about. Don’t assess whether you did anything wrong; just relieve the pain.
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HOW TO REPAIR
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HOW NOT TO REPAIR
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A Good Apology by Molly Howes |
THE FOUR STEPS OF A GOOD APOLOGY
- You must come to understand the other person’s injury, including the effects of your actions. This usually involves asking questions and listening.
- You must articulate a sincere statement of regret and apologize. You must acknowledge what you did and how it affected the other person. This is no small feat for most of us, especially when we didn’t intend to hurt someone.
- You must make reparations. This can include material restitution, although in relationships that’s less likely to occur.
- You must make a convincing plan to prevent the problem from happening again.
On Apology by Aaron Lazare |
ACKNOWLEGING THE OFFENSE
The most essential part of an effective apology is acknowledging the offense.
The most essential part of an effective apology is acknowledging the offense.
- acknowledging the offending behaviors in adequate detail
- recognizing the impact these behaviors had on the victim(s)
- confirming that the grievance was a violation of the social or moral contract between the parties.
- Lack of forthrightness from the very beginning can prolong the acknowledgment stage, leading people to question the validity of the subsequent apology.
- Acknowledgment says to the offended party, “I was wrong,” thus assuring that both parties still share important values.
- By acknowledging the offense, the offender says, in effect, “it was not your fault.” If the offenders are to understand the extent of the offenses they have committed, they may need to engage the offended parties in a dialogue, offering assurance that they have been heard.
Why Won't You Apologize? by Harriet Lerner |
Non-defensive listening is at the heart of offering a sincere apology. Here are twelve points to keep in mind when we’re on the receiving end of criticism.
- Recognize your defensiveness. We are wired to go immediately into defensive mode when criticized. Becoming aware of our defensiveness can give us a tiny, crucial bit of distance from it.
- Breathe. Defensiveness starts in the body, making us tense and on guard, unable to take in new information. Do what you can to calm yourself. Take slow and deep breaths.
- Listen only to understand. Listen only to discover what you can agree with. Do not interrupt, argue, refute, or correct facts, or bring up your own criticisms and complaints.
- Ask questions about whatever you don’t understand. When the criticism is vague (“I feel you don’t respect me”), ask for a concrete example. (“Can you give me another example where you felt I was putting you down?”) This will add to your clarity and show the other party that you care about understanding them.
- Find something you can agree with. You may only agree with 7 percent of what the other person is saying, and still find a point of commonality. (“I think you’re right that I was totally hogging the conversation the other night.”) If you can’t find anything to agree with, thank the other person for their openness, and let them know that you’ll be thinking about what they’ve told you.
- Apologize for your part. It will indicate to the critical party that you’re capable of taking responsibility, not just evading it. It will also help shift the exchange out of combat into collaboration. Save your thoughts about their part until later.
- Let the offended party know he or she has been heard and that you will continue to think about the conversation. (“It’s not easy to hear what you’re telling me, but I want you to know that I’m going to give it a lot of thought.”) Take time to genuinely consider their point of view.
- Thank the critical person for sharing their feelings. Relationships require that we take such initiative, and express gratitude where the other person might expect mere defensiveness. (“I appreciate your telling me this. I know it couldn’t have been easy.”) In this way we signal our commitment to the relationship.
- Take the initiative to bring the conversation up again. Show the other person that you are continuing to think about her point of view and that you are willing to revisit the issue. (“I’ve been thinking about our conversation last week and I’m really glad that we had that talk. I’m wondering if there’s more you haven’t told me.”)
- Draw the line at insults. There may be a time to sit through an initial blast, but not if rudeness has become a pattern in your relationship rather than an uncommon occurrence. (“I want to hear what bothers you, but I need you to approach me with respect.”)
- Don’t listen when you can’t listen well. It’s fine to tell the other person that you want to have the conversation and that you recognize its importance, but you can’t have it right now. If you’re closing the conversation, suggest a specific window of time to resume it. (“I can’t absorb what you’re saying now. Let’s come back to it tomorrow when I’ll be able to give you my full attention.”)
- Define your differences. You need to tell the critical person how you see things differently, rather than being an overly accommodating, peace-at-any-price type of person who apologizes to avoid conflict. Timing is crucial, so consider saving your different point of view for a future conversation when you’ll have the best chance of being heard.