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Lead with Relief
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When you hurt your partner you must relieve that distress as soon as possible. Distress is defined as hurt, pain, sadness, frustration, shame and even anger.
There are three mistakes people make that prevents an apology from happening:
There are three mistakes people make that prevents an apology from happening:
- You don't think you did anything wrong. Chances are you didn't necessarily do anything wrong and yet you hurt your partner.
- You didn't mean to hurt your partner. It is rare that we intentionally cause pain to our partner. So if you only apologize when we hurt them intentionally, you won't be apologizing much. It's as if you are saying, "I didn't mean to hurt you so you shouldn't feel hurt."
- You explain why you did what you did that caused the hurt, thinking that if you have a good explanation it will relieve the pain.
When your partner is hurt and they ARE able to tell you how they feel in a non-threatening way.
- “It hurts when you talk to me that way.”
- “That didn’t feel very good”
- Even better, “I know you didn’t mean it but….”
You may feel shame that your partner is in distress and you don’t know how to take responsibility without being overcome with self-blame. Your focus turns to how you can never be good enough for your partner and then they find themselves having to take care of you rather than you repairing the hurt you caused. You must develop some shame resilience so you can relieve the pain of your partner. There is no shame in feeling shame but if you stay there you won't be able to repair. Explore where it comes from.
When your partner is hurt and they ARE NOT able to tell you how they feel, they may either withdraw or attack.
- “How many times do I have to tell you not to __________”
- “What is wrong with you? You are so ___________!
- “I just need to get away from you. I’m leaving!”
If they withdraw and give you the silent treatment or pretend nothing is wrong, do not do nothing in return. You must pursue your partner and find out what is going on so you can relieve the distress. Be curious and ask them how you hurt them.
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If they attack your character and call names you may get triggered and attack in return or withdraw. Try not to take it personally and to see the reaction as pain and be curious about how you triggered the reaction.
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The Path to Relief

As soon as distress emerges, get curious about what caused the distress. Explore their experience until it makes sense to you why they got hurt by what you did or said, or what you didn't do or say. Once you understand, then you apologize. An apology is a positive way to show your love. An apology is meant to repair damage done to a trusting relationship by acknowledging pain caused, accepting responsibility, and expressing sincere regret at having done something hurtful to a person you care about. You don’t assess whether you did anything wrong; you relieve the pain.
HOW TO REPAIR
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HOW NOT TO REPAIR
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A Good Apology by Molly Howes |
THE FOUR STEPS OF A GOOD APOLOGY
- You must come to understand the other person’s injury, including the effects of your actions. This usually involves asking questions and listening.
- You must articulate a sincere statement of regret. You must acknowledge what you did and how it affected the other person. This is no small feat for most of us, especially when we didn’t intend to hurt someone.
- You must make reparations. This can include material restitution, although in relationships that’s less likely to occur.
- You must make a convincing plan to prevent the problem from happening again.
On Apology by Aaron Lazare |
ACKNOWLEGING THE OFFENSE
The most essential part of an effective apology is acknowledging the offense.
The most essential part of an effective apology is acknowledging the offense.
- acknowledging the offending behaviors in adequate detail
- recognizing the impact these behaviors had on the victim(s)
- confirming that the grievance was a violation of the social or moral contract between the parties.
- Lack of forthrightness from the very beginning can prolong the acknowledgment stage, leading people to question the validity of the subsequent apology.
- Acknowledgment says to the offended party, “I was wrong,” thus assuring that both parties still share important values.
- By acknowledging the offense, the offender says, in effect, “it was not your fault.” If the offenders are to understand the extent of the offenses they have committed, they may need to engage the offended parties in a dialogue, offering assurance that they have been heard.
Why Won't You Apologize? by Harriet Lerner |
Non-defensive listening is at the heart of offering a sincere apology. Here are twelve points to keep in mind when we’re on the receiving end of criticism.
- Recognize your defensiveness. We are wired to go immediately into defensive mode when criticized. Becoming aware of our defensiveness can give us a tiny, crucial bit of distance from it.
- Breathe. Defensiveness starts in the body, making us tense and on guard, unable to take in new information. Do what you can to calm yourself. Take slow and deep breaths.
- Listen only to understand. Listen only to discover what you can agree with. Do not interrupt, argue, refute, or correct facts, or bring up your own criticisms and complaints.
- Ask questions about whatever you don’t understand. When the criticism is vague (“I feel you don’t respect me”), ask for a concrete example. (“Can you give me another example where you felt I was putting you down?”) This will add to your clarity and show the other party that you care about understanding them.
- Find something you can agree with. You may only agree with 7 percent of what the other person is saying, and still find a point of commonality. (“I think you’re right that I was totally hogging the conversation the other night.”) If you can’t find anything to agree with, thank the other person for their openness, and let them know that you’ll be thinking about what they’ve told you.
- Apologize for your part. It will indicate to the critical party that you’re capable of taking responsibility, not just evading it. It will also help shift the exchange out of combat into collaboration. Save your thoughts about their part until later.
- Let the offended party know he or she has been heard and that you will continue to think about the conversation. (“It’s not easy to hear what you’re telling me, but I want you to know that I’m going to give it a lot of thought.”) Take time to genuinely consider their point of view.
- Thank the critical person for sharing their feelings. Relationships require that we take such initiative, and express gratitude where the other person might expect mere defensiveness. (“I appreciate your telling me this. I know it couldn’t have been easy.”) In this way we signal our commitment to the relationship.
- Take the initiative to bring the conversation up again. Show the other person that you are continuing to think about her point of view and that you are willing to revisit the issue. (“I’ve been thinking about our conversation last week and I’m really glad that we had that talk. I’m wondering if there’s more you haven’t told me.”)
- Draw the line at insults. There may be a time to sit through an initial blast, but not if rudeness has become a pattern in your relationship rather than an uncommon occurrence. (“I want to hear what bothers you, but I need you to approach me with respect.”)
- Don’t listen when you can’t listen well. It’s fine to tell the other person that you want to have the conversation and that you recognize its importance, but you can’t have it right now. If you’re closing the conversation, suggest a specific window of time to resume it. (“I can’t absorb what you’re saying now. Let’s come back to it tomorrow when I’ll be able to give you my full attention.”)
- Define your differences. You need to tell the critical person how you see things differently, rather than being an overly accommodating, peace-at-any-price type of person who apologizes to avoid conflict. Timing is crucial, so consider saving your different point of view for a future conversation when you’ll have the best chance of being heard.