The 5 Conditions Necessary for Raising a Secure Child
From The Attachment Project
The secure attachment style is the most common attachment style. People who have developed this type of attachment are self-contented, social, warm, and easy to connect to. They are aware of and able to express their feelings. They tend to build deep, meaningful, and long-lasting relationships. Parents who want to raise securely attached children might benefit from researching the topic and resolving their own attachment disturbances, if such exist.
How our childhood shapes the way we form relationships throughout life
The answer lies in attachment theory, which dates back to the 1950’s. According to psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, our early relationships with our parents (or caregivers) shape the way we perceive and act in relationships throughout our lives.
So, how does this work? As infants/children, we are dependent on our parents or primary caregivers. We need them for survival, so we have no other option than to attach to them and trust that they will take good care of us. In most cases, parents will do their best to satisfy all our needs and provide us with a warm and nurturing environment. If they are attuned and responsive to our needs, we are able to build a secure and stable relationship with them, and consequently, a secure attachment style. Yet, if they are not, or if we perceive that our needs are not met, we are likely to develop one of the three attachment styles categorized as insecure.
The three insecure attachment styles are:
When a child is born, they automatically expect that their caregivers will satisfy their needs. The baby uses physical cues (such as crying) to notify the caregivers that something’s wrong and trusts that they will take care of the issue. Parents who manage to raise children with a secure attachment style simply do not break that trust. Yet, this is not always as simple as it sounds. There are a few things to consider, as a parent, if you are devoted to raising a child with a secure attachment style.
The 5 conditions necessary for raising a child with secure attachment
1. The child feels safe
As a parent, first and foremost, you want your child to feel protected. If your child feels protected, it feels safe. For the infant and toddler, safety means closeness to the mother, as she is the source of food, warmth, and protection. Danger means separation from her, beyond the comfort zone.
The attuned mother is fiercely protective but not overwhelming, intrusive, or ignoring. She gives her child space and freedom to explore the world, but stays close enough, so that the child has a felt sense of safety. When the infant strays too far and becomes frightened, they know that they can run to her and envelop her in a warm, protective embrace, secured against the world. This conveys a message: “You are safe. You are loved. You are loveable.”
2. The child feels seen and known
Attuned parents can read their baby’s cues accurately and respond to his or her needs. Attuned responses give infants information about the effects of their behavior. Children learn that when they signal a need, they can expect a prompt, predictable, and accurate response. The result is a feeling of control over their lives, starting early on: “I signal that I’m hungry, and I get fed; I signal that I’m tired, and my mother rocks me to sleep.”
3. The child feels comfort, soothing and reassurance
The attuned parent’s arms are open and inviting. When the child is distressed, the caregiver reassures and soothes the child back to a calm emotional state. Helping the child manage his or her distress and frustrations will help him or her develop an internal model of being soothed and comforted. Over time, the child will develop the ability to manage his or her own distress and self-soothing.
4. The child feels valued
Feeling valued begins in infancy and is the foundation of healthy self-esteem development.
Parents who raise children with a healthy self-esteem repeatedly express their joy about who the child is rather than what the child does. They focus on Being rather than Doing. Such parents exhibit “expressed delight” to the child and about almost everything the child does. They focus not on the chores, but on the joys of parenting.
5. The child feels supported to explore
Children need to feel supported and encouraged to explore their world joyfully and safely. Parents who champion this have a deep faith in their child and always provide him or her with a safety net. Deeply involved in their child’s life, parents give the child space and thrust him or her towards autonomy and independence. This sense of security allows the child to explore, discover, succeed, and fail; and through such exploration, the child develops a good, autonomous, strong, and unique sense of self.
The 3 signs of secure attachment in adult relationships
Adults with a secure attachment style tend to have it easier when it comes to social contacts, bonding, and intimate relationships. They are aware of their emotions and emotional needs and are able to both experience and express those. They are open and straightforward and do not go to extremes.
1. Positive view of self
Securely attached adults have a positive view of themselves. They do not need reassurance in order to feel valued or worthy of love. Yet, this does not mean they reject or do not want intimacy or emotional closeness. They simply feel good on their own as well as in relationships.
2. Positive view of others
These individuals also have a positive view of others. They tend to trust their partners and do not feel the need to be jealous or doubt their loved ones’ intentions. They are able to accept displays of affection, without fear or confusion. People with a secure attachment style are most commonly warm, loving, and lovable. They aim at and are capable of building and maintaining meaningful and long-lasting romantic relationships. They are comfortable with proximity and bond easily with others.
3. Positive view of childhood
Securely attached adults also tend to have a positive view of their childhood. They are able to reflect on and make sense of their past experiences, even if their childhood was not perfect. They appreciate the good and understand and move on from the bad.
From The Attachment Project
The secure attachment style is the most common attachment style. People who have developed this type of attachment are self-contented, social, warm, and easy to connect to. They are aware of and able to express their feelings. They tend to build deep, meaningful, and long-lasting relationships. Parents who want to raise securely attached children might benefit from researching the topic and resolving their own attachment disturbances, if such exist.
How our childhood shapes the way we form relationships throughout life
The answer lies in attachment theory, which dates back to the 1950’s. According to psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, our early relationships with our parents (or caregivers) shape the way we perceive and act in relationships throughout our lives.
So, how does this work? As infants/children, we are dependent on our parents or primary caregivers. We need them for survival, so we have no other option than to attach to them and trust that they will take good care of us. In most cases, parents will do their best to satisfy all our needs and provide us with a warm and nurturing environment. If they are attuned and responsive to our needs, we are able to build a secure and stable relationship with them, and consequently, a secure attachment style. Yet, if they are not, or if we perceive that our needs are not met, we are likely to develop one of the three attachment styles categorized as insecure.
The three insecure attachment styles are:
- Anxious (or preoccupied; referred to as ambivalent in children)
- Avoidant (or dismissive; referred to as avoidant in children)
- Disorganized (or fearful-avoidant)
When a child is born, they automatically expect that their caregivers will satisfy their needs. The baby uses physical cues (such as crying) to notify the caregivers that something’s wrong and trusts that they will take care of the issue. Parents who manage to raise children with a secure attachment style simply do not break that trust. Yet, this is not always as simple as it sounds. There are a few things to consider, as a parent, if you are devoted to raising a child with a secure attachment style.
The 5 conditions necessary for raising a child with secure attachment
1. The child feels safe
As a parent, first and foremost, you want your child to feel protected. If your child feels protected, it feels safe. For the infant and toddler, safety means closeness to the mother, as she is the source of food, warmth, and protection. Danger means separation from her, beyond the comfort zone.
The attuned mother is fiercely protective but not overwhelming, intrusive, or ignoring. She gives her child space and freedom to explore the world, but stays close enough, so that the child has a felt sense of safety. When the infant strays too far and becomes frightened, they know that they can run to her and envelop her in a warm, protective embrace, secured against the world. This conveys a message: “You are safe. You are loved. You are loveable.”
2. The child feels seen and known
Attuned parents can read their baby’s cues accurately and respond to his or her needs. Attuned responses give infants information about the effects of their behavior. Children learn that when they signal a need, they can expect a prompt, predictable, and accurate response. The result is a feeling of control over their lives, starting early on: “I signal that I’m hungry, and I get fed; I signal that I’m tired, and my mother rocks me to sleep.”
3. The child feels comfort, soothing and reassurance
The attuned parent’s arms are open and inviting. When the child is distressed, the caregiver reassures and soothes the child back to a calm emotional state. Helping the child manage his or her distress and frustrations will help him or her develop an internal model of being soothed and comforted. Over time, the child will develop the ability to manage his or her own distress and self-soothing.
4. The child feels valued
Feeling valued begins in infancy and is the foundation of healthy self-esteem development.
Parents who raise children with a healthy self-esteem repeatedly express their joy about who the child is rather than what the child does. They focus on Being rather than Doing. Such parents exhibit “expressed delight” to the child and about almost everything the child does. They focus not on the chores, but on the joys of parenting.
5. The child feels supported to explore
Children need to feel supported and encouraged to explore their world joyfully and safely. Parents who champion this have a deep faith in their child and always provide him or her with a safety net. Deeply involved in their child’s life, parents give the child space and thrust him or her towards autonomy and independence. This sense of security allows the child to explore, discover, succeed, and fail; and through such exploration, the child develops a good, autonomous, strong, and unique sense of self.
The 3 signs of secure attachment in adult relationships
Adults with a secure attachment style tend to have it easier when it comes to social contacts, bonding, and intimate relationships. They are aware of their emotions and emotional needs and are able to both experience and express those. They are open and straightforward and do not go to extremes.
1. Positive view of self
Securely attached adults have a positive view of themselves. They do not need reassurance in order to feel valued or worthy of love. Yet, this does not mean they reject or do not want intimacy or emotional closeness. They simply feel good on their own as well as in relationships.
2. Positive view of others
These individuals also have a positive view of others. They tend to trust their partners and do not feel the need to be jealous or doubt their loved ones’ intentions. They are able to accept displays of affection, without fear or confusion. People with a secure attachment style are most commonly warm, loving, and lovable. They aim at and are capable of building and maintaining meaningful and long-lasting romantic relationships. They are comfortable with proximity and bond easily with others.
3. Positive view of childhood
Securely attached adults also tend to have a positive view of their childhood. They are able to reflect on and make sense of their past experiences, even if their childhood was not perfect. They appreciate the good and understand and move on from the bad.