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Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay:
A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum |
This book has much more material in each chapter to explore the issues more completely. So if you need more help getting answers, buy the book.
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Part I - THE PROBLEM
You’ve gone through a lot to get to this point. You’ve hoped that love would be enough. And you’ve worked to resolve the problems in your relationship. And you’ve tried to accept things the way they are. And you’ve agonized over the possibility of leaving. But you just haven’t known what to do. Now you’re ready to face the choice that’s been weighing on your heart.
We all feel doubts about our partners from time to time, and we all occasionally speculate about what it would belike to be on our own or live with a different person. But that’s not relationship ambivalence. I’m talking instead about what happens when the bulk of your attention shifts from being in your relationship to trying to figure out whether to stay in it or leave. This shift can take place at any time, from soon after you meet to the day after your twenty-fifth anniversary or even later. Before that shift, there’s a taken-for-granted quality to your thinking about the relationship, even if from time to time you get upset about things. Then one too many things go wrong. New problems appear. Bad qualities in the other person or in the relationship get worse while good qualities dwindle or get lost.
You find yourself complaining about things like the following: •
You’ve gone through a lot to get to this point. You’ve hoped that love would be enough. And you’ve worked to resolve the problems in your relationship. And you’ve tried to accept things the way they are. And you’ve agonized over the possibility of leaving. But you just haven’t known what to do. Now you’re ready to face the choice that’s been weighing on your heart.
- To stay in your relationship, recommitting to it free of doubt, free of holding back, free at last to pour your love and energy into the relationship and get back everything there is to get from it
- To leave your relationship, finally liberating yourself from it, free of confusion, free of pain, free at last to get on with a new and better life.
- Whether the two of you really do fit together or not.
- Whether the things that bother you will get better or worse.
- How you’ll feel if they do get better and if they don’t.
- Whether you can improve the relationship on your own or with the best of therapists.
- What you’ll find if you leave and whether it’ll be better or worse than what you have now.
- How to balance the responsibility you have to yourself and to the people you care about.
We all feel doubts about our partners from time to time, and we all occasionally speculate about what it would belike to be on our own or live with a different person. But that’s not relationship ambivalence. I’m talking instead about what happens when the bulk of your attention shifts from being in your relationship to trying to figure out whether to stay in it or leave. This shift can take place at any time, from soon after you meet to the day after your twenty-fifth anniversary or even later. Before that shift, there’s a taken-for-granted quality to your thinking about the relationship, even if from time to time you get upset about things. Then one too many things go wrong. New problems appear. Bad qualities in the other person or in the relationship get worse while good qualities dwindle or get lost.
You find yourself complaining about things like the following: •
- “He’s made a million agreements about doing his share of the housework and never kept one of them.”
- “She had this affair with a guy from work, and I really think it’s been over between them for a year, but I’m having so much trouble letting go of the whole thing. And I don’t know what to do about it.” •
- “This probably sounds like a Seinfeld episode but he’s a noisy breather—I mean every breath in and out is like a sighing or a moaning. He sounds like Darth Vader when he breathes. Is he the most annoying person who ever lived, or am I the most petty, oversensitive person who ever lived, or what?”
- “Her family is so nosey and bossy and they control her with money—I sometimes feel she’s got to get a divorce from them or I’ve got to get a divorce from her.” •
- “It’s one thing for me to complain about him, but when I get embarrassed for my friends to see him or know about the stuff he does, that’s really bad.” •
- “Aren’t married people supposed to have sex? I mean, hello? How little sex can you have and then it’s no longer a marriage?” •
- “Is there a future for us if we can’t even agree about where to go on vacation?” •
- “We always have huge fights over money because I’m a saver and she’s a spender.” •
- “He’s such a strict and controlling father, and I think he gives our kids a sense that I’m a bad parent; but he’s the bad parent and I really think the kids and I would be better off if he just stayed out of it.” •
- “Sometimes I feel we’re doomed because I’m a people person and I really need having people over to the house. But she’s a real solitary person and resents our having people in our lives.” •
- “He was this successful older guy and it was sort of fun admiring him when we first got together, but what it turned into is from morning till night he judges me. I don’t know how much of this you’re supposed to take.”
Part II - THE SOLUTION
Here’s how to find your way out of relationship ambivalence. Don’t put your relationship on trial the way lawyers do. Make a diagnosis the way doctors do. That’s what we’ll do here. We’ll ask one question at a time, step by step, responsibly searching for that one fact, that one piece of evidence about your relationship that makes clear what’s best for you to do. And it’s all based on what research shows are the experiences of other people in situations like yours. It’s like going to the doctor for stomach pains. If she can diagnose appendicitis after some questions and a few tests, you’re all set. You don’t need to go through every test and weigh every possible piece of evidence pro and con. If your answer to one question doesn’t provide a diagnosis—“ No, doctor, it doesn’t hurt there”—you move on to the next question or test. At each step you’ll answer a question about an issue between you and your partner. In most cases it’ll be a straightforward, easy-to-answer, yes-or-no question. Depending on your answer, you may be able to get a clear indication right then and there of whether it’s best for you to stay or leave. You’ll have found out what’s real about your relationship without needing to go further.
All that needs to happen as you read is that you trust yourself, take things a step at a time, and think of each question as an opportunity to find out what’s real for you. Often you’ll know the answer right away, but sometimes you may have to sift through your thoughts and feelings and memories.
Here’s how to find your way out of relationship ambivalence. Don’t put your relationship on trial the way lawyers do. Make a diagnosis the way doctors do. That’s what we’ll do here. We’ll ask one question at a time, step by step, responsibly searching for that one fact, that one piece of evidence about your relationship that makes clear what’s best for you to do. And it’s all based on what research shows are the experiences of other people in situations like yours. It’s like going to the doctor for stomach pains. If she can diagnose appendicitis after some questions and a few tests, you’re all set. You don’t need to go through every test and weigh every possible piece of evidence pro and con. If your answer to one question doesn’t provide a diagnosis—“ No, doctor, it doesn’t hurt there”—you move on to the next question or test. At each step you’ll answer a question about an issue between you and your partner. In most cases it’ll be a straightforward, easy-to-answer, yes-or-no question. Depending on your answer, you may be able to get a clear indication right then and there of whether it’s best for you to stay or leave. You’ll have found out what’s real about your relationship without needing to go further.
All that needs to happen as you read is that you trust yourself, take things a step at a time, and think of each question as an opportunity to find out what’s real for you. Often you’ll know the answer right away, but sometimes you may have to sift through your thoughts and feelings and memories.
STEP #1: THEY WERE THE BEST OF TIMES
GUIDELINE # 1
If, when your relationship was at its “best,” things between you didn’t feel right or work well, the prognosis is poor. I feel comfortable saying that you’ll feel you’ve discovered what’s right for you if you choose to leave.
Quick take: If it never was very good, it’ll never be very good.
My years as a clinician plus a ton of accumulated research show that you can often fix what was broken, but you can rarely fix what never worked in the first place. There was a basic difficulty, present from the beginning, that prevented things from being good or prevented you from seeing that they weren’t good. The satisfaction-producing core that’s necessary for a relationship to take root was never there.
GUIDELINE # 1
If, when your relationship was at its “best,” things between you didn’t feel right or work well, the prognosis is poor. I feel comfortable saying that you’ll feel you’ve discovered what’s right for you if you choose to leave.
Quick take: If it never was very good, it’ll never be very good.
My years as a clinician plus a ton of accumulated research show that you can often fix what was broken, but you can rarely fix what never worked in the first place. There was a basic difficulty, present from the beginning, that prevented things from being good or prevented you from seeing that they weren’t good. The satisfaction-producing core that’s necessary for a relationship to take root was never there.
STEP #2: WHEN IT’S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH
GUIDELINE #2
Physical abuse that happens more than once means you must leave the relationship. Otherwise it will happen again and again, and it will get worse, and your self-esteem will fall, and your sense of being trapped will grow, and you’ll wish you’d started the process of getting out right now, however much you love the person and whatever the pluses in your relationship. The only exception to this is when the abusive partner is currently, actively, and motivatedly participating in a program designed to treat abusive partners and stays in this program for at least a year.
Quick take: Physical abuse means love is dead.
Here’s how to put this guideline into effect. If you’ve been abused more than once, this is a time to issue your partner an ultimatum: Tell him he’s got to find a program for abusive partners within the next two weeks. He’s got to begin participating in it within the next four weeks. He’s got to maintain active consistent participation for a full year, going to at least one meeting a week. If he’s not willing to agree to this and keep to it, tell him that means to you that he’s not serious about eliminating all threats to your physical safety, and that means your relationship is over. If he leaves the program before a year is up or if he ever hurts you or threatens to hurt you again, that means your relationship is over. If you’re afraid to even issue this ultimatum, that by itself means that your relationship is over and you must do whatever’s necessary to contact women’s shelters or spousal abuse resource centers to figure out how to leave your relationship both quickly and safely.
What if you’ve found your truth already? Even if you know your truth right now, you’ll benefit by answering all the questions. Take whatever time you need. I want you to feel confident that, as long as you’re honest with yourself, you’re on a path that’ll lead you to the best, most responsible decision for you.
GUIDELINE #2
Physical abuse that happens more than once means you must leave the relationship. Otherwise it will happen again and again, and it will get worse, and your self-esteem will fall, and your sense of being trapped will grow, and you’ll wish you’d started the process of getting out right now, however much you love the person and whatever the pluses in your relationship. The only exception to this is when the abusive partner is currently, actively, and motivatedly participating in a program designed to treat abusive partners and stays in this program for at least a year.
Quick take: Physical abuse means love is dead.
Here’s how to put this guideline into effect. If you’ve been abused more than once, this is a time to issue your partner an ultimatum: Tell him he’s got to find a program for abusive partners within the next two weeks. He’s got to begin participating in it within the next four weeks. He’s got to maintain active consistent participation for a full year, going to at least one meeting a week. If he’s not willing to agree to this and keep to it, tell him that means to you that he’s not serious about eliminating all threats to your physical safety, and that means your relationship is over. If he leaves the program before a year is up or if he ever hurts you or threatens to hurt you again, that means your relationship is over. If you’re afraid to even issue this ultimatum, that by itself means that your relationship is over and you must do whatever’s necessary to contact women’s shelters or spousal abuse resource centers to figure out how to leave your relationship both quickly and safely.
What if you’ve found your truth already? Even if you know your truth right now, you’ll benefit by answering all the questions. Take whatever time you need. I want you to feel confident that, as long as you’re honest with yourself, you’re on a path that’ll lead you to the best, most responsible decision for you.
STEP #3: ACTIONS, NOT WORDS
GUIDELINE #3
If you’ve actually made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that excludes your partner, then on some level you’ve already decided that you’ll be happier if you leave your relationship. Most people who’ve done this are not happy when they stay. It’s as if you’d already advised yourself to leave.
Quick take: If you look like you’re leaving your relationship and act like you’re leaving it, you’re leaving it.
GUIDELINE #3
If you’ve actually made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that excludes your partner, then on some level you’ve already decided that you’ll be happier if you leave your relationship. Most people who’ve done this are not happy when they stay. It’s as if you’d already advised yourself to leave.
Quick take: If you look like you’re leaving your relationship and act like you’re leaving it, you’re leaving it.
STEP #4: “IF IT WERE UP TO GOD ...”
GUIDELINE #4
Imagine how you’d feel if God or some omniscient being said you had permission to leave your relationship if you wanted to. If this suddenly gives you a strong sense that it’s all right for you to end your relationship, you’ll most likely feel you’ve discovered what’s best for you if you choose to leave.
Quick take: If God’s saying “Hey, whatever you want is okay with me” is all you’d need to feel it’s okay to leave, it’s okay to leave.
PERSPECTIVES: A NOTE ABOUT COUPLES THERAPY
I rarely see people in relationship ambivalence who haven’t worked hard to make things better. And that means there’s a good chance you’ve already tried some kind of couples therapy or workshop. If you haven’t worked on your relationship, though, that changes things. A really good couples therapist can sometimes change things between you that seemed horrible and unchangeable. So if some reality in your relationship points to your leaving, you always have the option of going to a couples therapist to see if you can change it. But you want to avoid falling back into relationship ambivalence.
Here’s the test. If your experience with the therapist is “Gee, she’s really good” and yet there’s no change after nine months in whatever it is that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, then you can feel confirmed in your sense that it’s most likely unchangeable. You’ll know you’ve done everything you could do. And that can make it easier to accept that you’ll be happier leaving the relationship.
GUIDELINE #4
Imagine how you’d feel if God or some omniscient being said you had permission to leave your relationship if you wanted to. If this suddenly gives you a strong sense that it’s all right for you to end your relationship, you’ll most likely feel you’ve discovered what’s best for you if you choose to leave.
Quick take: If God’s saying “Hey, whatever you want is okay with me” is all you’d need to feel it’s okay to leave, it’s okay to leave.
PERSPECTIVES: A NOTE ABOUT COUPLES THERAPY
I rarely see people in relationship ambivalence who haven’t worked hard to make things better. And that means there’s a good chance you’ve already tried some kind of couples therapy or workshop. If you haven’t worked on your relationship, though, that changes things. A really good couples therapist can sometimes change things between you that seemed horrible and unchangeable. So if some reality in your relationship points to your leaving, you always have the option of going to a couples therapist to see if you can change it. But you want to avoid falling back into relationship ambivalence.
Here’s the test. If your experience with the therapist is “Gee, she’s really good” and yet there’s no change after nine months in whatever it is that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, then you can feel confirmed in your sense that it’s most likely unchangeable. You’ll know you’ve done everything you could do. And that can make it easier to accept that you’ll be happier leaving the relationship.
STEP #5: STAYING ALIVE
GUIDELINE #5
If there’s even one thing you and your partner experience together and look forward to (besides children) that reliably feels good and makes you feel close, there’s the possibility you’ll be able to clean out the crap between you and have a viable relationship. If you had just met, there’d be the possibility of your falling in love.
Quick take: Real love needs real loving experiences.
This guideline doesn’t refer to things you do together that just feel okay or that enable you to stop fighting or hating each other. It refers to things that provide regular, positive, pleasurable connections, that you both look forward to and you both make happen.
Every sign of life is precious. A yes answer is a sign that love is possible. It gives you what strong, deep roots give a plant that’s been hit by drought. There’s reason to hope. There’s reason to press on. There’s reason to keep cultivating the relationship and looking for more signs of life. It might still turn out that later on in this book you’ll learn something about your relationship that makes it clear that you’ll be happier if you leave, but for now it’s clear you’re not there yet.
It’s a kind of rule in life. A lot of good stuff might make us willing to put up with some bad stuff. But any really terrible stuff has veto power over a ton of good stuff. So any guideline that says this makes a relationship too good to leave is provisional only. It’s true only as long as nothing else comes along to make it too bad to stay in.
If you answered no there’s still the possibility that you’ve got a viable relationship. It’s just that you’ve got to work together to find something that you both look forward to doing together that feels good and makes you both feel closer. It might be something you used to do together. It might be something you’ve never done together. If nothing else is seriously wrong, there’s still a chance you can find it.
GUIDELINE #5
If there’s even one thing you and your partner experience together and look forward to (besides children) that reliably feels good and makes you feel close, there’s the possibility you’ll be able to clean out the crap between you and have a viable relationship. If you had just met, there’d be the possibility of your falling in love.
Quick take: Real love needs real loving experiences.
This guideline doesn’t refer to things you do together that just feel okay or that enable you to stop fighting or hating each other. It refers to things that provide regular, positive, pleasurable connections, that you both look forward to and you both make happen.
Every sign of life is precious. A yes answer is a sign that love is possible. It gives you what strong, deep roots give a plant that’s been hit by drought. There’s reason to hope. There’s reason to press on. There’s reason to keep cultivating the relationship and looking for more signs of life. It might still turn out that later on in this book you’ll learn something about your relationship that makes it clear that you’ll be happier if you leave, but for now it’s clear you’re not there yet.
It’s a kind of rule in life. A lot of good stuff might make us willing to put up with some bad stuff. But any really terrible stuff has veto power over a ton of good stuff. So any guideline that says this makes a relationship too good to leave is provisional only. It’s true only as long as nothing else comes along to make it too bad to stay in.
If you answered no there’s still the possibility that you’ve got a viable relationship. It’s just that you’ve got to work together to find something that you both look forward to doing together that feels good and makes you both feel closer. It might be something you used to do together. It might be something you’ve never done together. If nothing else is seriously wrong, there’s still a chance you can find it.
STEP #6: THE NASTY-STUPID-CRAZY-UGLY-STINKY FACTOR
GUIDELINE #6
If you can say that right now you feel your partner’s reasonably nice, smart, sane, not ugly, and okay smelling to you, you’ve removed an important obstacle to your finding your way back to each other.
Quick take: You just can’t love someone who’s mean, dumb, crazy, ugly, or stinky.
If you say no to this question, there’s a high probability that negative feelings are clouding your lens and your no answer isn’t a useful indicator for you right now. It’s a no that’s tainted with hurt and disappointment. You may feel the other person’s not nice because you've just had a huge fight, stupid because they don’t understand how you feel, crazy because what they are doing doesn't seem to make any sense. This is not a diagnostically meaningful "no."
GUIDELINE #6
If you can say that right now you feel your partner’s reasonably nice, smart, sane, not ugly, and okay smelling to you, you’ve removed an important obstacle to your finding your way back to each other.
Quick take: You just can’t love someone who’s mean, dumb, crazy, ugly, or stinky.
If you say no to this question, there’s a high probability that negative feelings are clouding your lens and your no answer isn’t a useful indicator for you right now. It’s a no that’s tainted with hurt and disappointment. You may feel the other person’s not nice because you've just had a huge fight, stupid because they don’t understand how you feel, crazy because what they are doing doesn't seem to make any sense. This is not a diagnostically meaningful "no."
STEP #7: POWER PEOPLE
Issue: Power—When the Other Person Is Bossy, Controlling, Domineering, Overwhelming ...
How in the world does power intrude on our love nests? Simple. It’s up for grabs. Every single decision is fertile soil for a power struggle, because with every single decision there’s a question of who’s going to make it and whose needs are going to prevail.
So there are power issues involved with deciding:
GUIDELINE #7
If your partner bombards you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want, and if almost any need you have somehow gets obliterated, and if whenever you do get something you want it’s such an ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth the effort—then you’ll be happy in the long run if you leave and unhappy, if you stay.
Quick take: Power people poison passion.
If you’re still not sure whether you’re dealing with a full-blown power person, try the fairness test. For a particular need you have, and without blaming or attacking or labeling your partner, explain to your partner how it’s simply not fair that things are the way they are now. For example, you might say, “It’s not fair, is it, that we always watch what you want to watch on TV and never watch what I want to watch?” Do they respond to your appeal to fairness? If they just respond with more power tactics, however confusing or misleading (including the tactic of yessing you to death and then going on to do whatever they want), you know you’re dealing with an incurable power person. There are a lot of strong personalities and a lot of not tremendously sensitive people who are nevertheless fair and will respond productively to the fairness test. Power people will not and cannot. Power people do what they do because they feel incredibly unsafe unless they’re holding all the reins of power. They feel as unsafe without power as you’d feel vulnerable walking the streets of Manhattan with no clothes on. But your understanding their need for safety doesn’t help you. Their safety is your nightmare.
Issue: Power—When the Other Person Is Bossy, Controlling, Domineering, Overwhelming ...
- “Because I just can’t deal with her.”
- “Because he’s impossible.”
- “Because I have a terrible knot in my stomach every day while I’m waiting for him to come home from work.”
How in the world does power intrude on our love nests? Simple. It’s up for grabs. Every single decision is fertile soil for a power struggle, because with every single decision there’s a question of who’s going to make it and whose needs are going to prevail.
So there are power issues involved with deciding:
- where you’re going to go on your first date
- when you make love
- what you do when you make love
- who’s allowed to shout and under what circumstances
- where you’re going to go on your vacation
- how much money you’re going to save
- how long the baby’s allowed to cry before you’re either torturing him or spoiling him
- how late you’re allowed to come home from work without getting in trouble for not calling
GUIDELINE #7
If your partner bombards you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want, and if almost any need you have somehow gets obliterated, and if whenever you do get something you want it’s such an ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth the effort—then you’ll be happy in the long run if you leave and unhappy, if you stay.
Quick take: Power people poison passion.
If you’re still not sure whether you’re dealing with a full-blown power person, try the fairness test. For a particular need you have, and without blaming or attacking or labeling your partner, explain to your partner how it’s simply not fair that things are the way they are now. For example, you might say, “It’s not fair, is it, that we always watch what you want to watch on TV and never watch what I want to watch?” Do they respond to your appeal to fairness? If they just respond with more power tactics, however confusing or misleading (including the tactic of yessing you to death and then going on to do whatever they want), you know you’re dealing with an incurable power person. There are a lot of strong personalities and a lot of not tremendously sensitive people who are nevertheless fair and will respond productively to the fairness test. Power people will not and cannot. Power people do what they do because they feel incredibly unsafe unless they’re holding all the reins of power. They feel as unsafe without power as you’d feel vulnerable walking the streets of Manhattan with no clothes on. But your understanding their need for safety doesn’t help you. Their safety is your nightmare.
STEP #8: THE RIGHT NOT TO BE HUMILIATED
GUIDELINE #8
If your partner gives you a basic, recurring, never-completely-going-away feeling of humiliation or invisibility, then you’re in the kind of situation that people report they were happy they left and unhappy they stayed in.
Quick take: Humiliation is the barometer of hatred.
GUIDELINE #8
If your partner gives you a basic, recurring, never-completely-going-away feeling of humiliation or invisibility, then you’re in the kind of situation that people report they were happy they left and unhappy they stayed in.
Quick take: Humiliation is the barometer of hatred.
STEP #9: OFF-THE-TABLE-ITIS
GUIDELINE #9
If your partner constantly and unyieldingly prevents you from talking about things that are important to you, so that you have a sense of being shut down and shut up, then you’re faced with a destructive problem that will not get better by itself. I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happiest if you leave.
Quick take: You’ll suffocate if the dirt hits the fan whenever you try to shoot the breeze.
Every relationship has disagreements, but when disagreements are ruled out of order and not allowed to get aired, there’s an even more basic problem that can’t be fixed. How can you fix something you can’t even talk about because your partner takes things off the table by getting mad or miserable when you bring them up, or only listens to you with an unyielding refusal to let anything in?
When someone blocks your attempt to give feedback—by getting hurt, by getting angry, by turning the tables and launching into a tirade about what’s wrong with you, by simply refusing to listen—it’s as if he were putting up a huge sign that said, “I just don’t care if this is a relationship that feels good to you.”
GUIDELINE #9
If your partner constantly and unyieldingly prevents you from talking about things that are important to you, so that you have a sense of being shut down and shut up, then you’re faced with a destructive problem that will not get better by itself. I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happiest if you leave.
Quick take: You’ll suffocate if the dirt hits the fan whenever you try to shoot the breeze.
Every relationship has disagreements, but when disagreements are ruled out of order and not allowed to get aired, there’s an even more basic problem that can’t be fixed. How can you fix something you can’t even talk about because your partner takes things off the table by getting mad or miserable when you bring them up, or only listens to you with an unyielding refusal to let anything in?
When someone blocks your attempt to give feedback—by getting hurt, by getting angry, by turning the tables and launching into a tirade about what’s wrong with you, by simply refusing to listen—it’s as if he were putting up a huge sign that said, “I just don’t care if this is a relationship that feels good to you.”
STEP #10: TO TELL THE TRUTH
Almost all of us lie, from little white lies to spur-of-the-moment lies to protecting-the-innocent lies to just-not-telling-everything lies to it’s-all-for-the-best lies to saving-your-butt lies. Some of us lie more than others, but Diogenes attests to how difficult it is to find someone who never lies. So if the fact that you’ve caught your partner in a lie were grounds for ending a relationship, we’d all be alone.
The fact that most people lie a little makes most of us feel okay with the idea that our partner might lie from time to time, especially if they’re just little white lies. As long as we can say, “Well, he’d never lie to me about anything really important,” most of us aren’t too upset. But when you lose your basic trust that the other generally tells the truth, there’s a fundamental obstacle to your relationship ever being satisfying.
GUIDELINE #10
If you find yourself thinking, “He’s probably lying,” whenever your partner says anything, or even if you just find there’s a tightening in your gut that indicates you’re expecting a lie, nothing good is going to happen for you in that relationship. Everyone else in this situation is happier leaving and you’ll be happier, too.
Quick take: When you’re married to a liar, your marriage is a lie.
This guideline doesn’t refer to the person who’s told one big lie; it refers to the person you believe may be lying almost whenever he talks to you. It’s not about how “bad” what he did was; it’s about how bad an impact what he’s done has had on you, and not just one lie but the pattern of lying. So you have to be careful with this guideline. The fact that someone’s lied to you can make you feel very angry and very mistrustful and very unsafe. It’s natural after being told a big lie to go through a period of being convinced that everything else your partner says is a lie, and maybe everything he’s ever said to you has been a lie. But you’ve got to distinguish between your emotional reactions, which may or may not be warranted and from which you may or may not recover, and an abiding gut sense that if you had to make a bet, you’d say your partner was lying when he opened his mouth.
Almost all of us lie, from little white lies to spur-of-the-moment lies to protecting-the-innocent lies to just-not-telling-everything lies to it’s-all-for-the-best lies to saving-your-butt lies. Some of us lie more than others, but Diogenes attests to how difficult it is to find someone who never lies. So if the fact that you’ve caught your partner in a lie were grounds for ending a relationship, we’d all be alone.
The fact that most people lie a little makes most of us feel okay with the idea that our partner might lie from time to time, especially if they’re just little white lies. As long as we can say, “Well, he’d never lie to me about anything really important,” most of us aren’t too upset. But when you lose your basic trust that the other generally tells the truth, there’s a fundamental obstacle to your relationship ever being satisfying.
GUIDELINE #10
If you find yourself thinking, “He’s probably lying,” whenever your partner says anything, or even if you just find there’s a tightening in your gut that indicates you’re expecting a lie, nothing good is going to happen for you in that relationship. Everyone else in this situation is happier leaving and you’ll be happier, too.
Quick take: When you’re married to a liar, your marriage is a lie.
This guideline doesn’t refer to the person who’s told one big lie; it refers to the person you believe may be lying almost whenever he talks to you. It’s not about how “bad” what he did was; it’s about how bad an impact what he’s done has had on you, and not just one lie but the pattern of lying. So you have to be careful with this guideline. The fact that someone’s lied to you can make you feel very angry and very mistrustful and very unsafe. It’s natural after being told a big lie to go through a period of being convinced that everything else your partner says is a lie, and maybe everything he’s ever said to you has been a lie. But you’ve got to distinguish between your emotional reactions, which may or may not be warranted and from which you may or may not recover, and an abiding gut sense that if you had to make a bet, you’d say your partner was lying when he opened his mouth.
STEP #11: YOU LIKE ME, YOU REALLY LIKE ME
Sometimes when a relationship is hanging by a thread, it’s a thread of love. Much in the relationship is bad, only a little is good, but the one thing that keeps you hanging in there is that love connection, that thing you say to yourself: “But I love him [or her].”
Doesn’t any amount of love heavy enough to register in our hearts have the power to keep a relationship alive? Aren’t you obligated to stay in any relationship where you feel you love the other person? Or can our feelings sometimes be illusions? Is the love that feels so real and hefty sometimes merely the ghost of dead hopes and dreams?
Let’s talk about those relationships where it feels as though only your saying “But I love him [or her]” prevents the relationship from clearly being too bad to stay in. Let’s see if we can find a way to decide how real and strong that love is, to determine how much of a difference it really makes.
GUIDELINE # 11
If it’s clear to you that basically and overall you just don’t like your partner, then your love is a ghost, no matter what else you have going for you and no matter how loudly your heart cries out that you love him, and you’ll be happiest if you leave. And if your partner makes it clear to you that he just doesn’t like you, then in this case, too, you’ll be happiest if you leave.
Quick take: In the long run—no like, no love.
This is not about how your partner really feels. It’s not about whether your partner says they like you or thinks they like you. It is about how much liking gets through to you. I know there’s no one in the world in a relationship who isn’t aware that there are things about them that their partner doesn’t like. But I’m talking about your having a sense that on balance and overall your partner just doesn’t like you. Day after day, waking up and going to sleep, eating or talking about the kids or watching television together, you actually feel as if he doesn’t like you. If that’s true for you, then you’ll be happiest if you leave. The bad feelings just get worse. A relationship like this is too bad to stay in.
Sometimes when a relationship is hanging by a thread, it’s a thread of love. Much in the relationship is bad, only a little is good, but the one thing that keeps you hanging in there is that love connection, that thing you say to yourself: “But I love him [or her].”
Doesn’t any amount of love heavy enough to register in our hearts have the power to keep a relationship alive? Aren’t you obligated to stay in any relationship where you feel you love the other person? Or can our feelings sometimes be illusions? Is the love that feels so real and hefty sometimes merely the ghost of dead hopes and dreams?
Let’s talk about those relationships where it feels as though only your saying “But I love him [or her]” prevents the relationship from clearly being too bad to stay in. Let’s see if we can find a way to decide how real and strong that love is, to determine how much of a difference it really makes.
GUIDELINE # 11
If it’s clear to you that basically and overall you just don’t like your partner, then your love is a ghost, no matter what else you have going for you and no matter how loudly your heart cries out that you love him, and you’ll be happiest if you leave. And if your partner makes it clear to you that he just doesn’t like you, then in this case, too, you’ll be happiest if you leave.
Quick take: In the long run—no like, no love.
This is not about how your partner really feels. It’s not about whether your partner says they like you or thinks they like you. It is about how much liking gets through to you. I know there’s no one in the world in a relationship who isn’t aware that there are things about them that their partner doesn’t like. But I’m talking about your having a sense that on balance and overall your partner just doesn’t like you. Day after day, waking up and going to sleep, eating or talking about the kids or watching television together, you actually feel as if he doesn’t like you. If that’s true for you, then you’ll be happiest if you leave. The bad feelings just get worse. A relationship like this is too bad to stay in.
STEP #12: FREE GIFTS OF LOVE
GUIDELINE # 12
In spite of how hurt and deprived you feel, if you are still willing to deliver a concrete expression of love, without expecting anything back in the near future, there’s a real chance there’s a solid core of aliveness in your relationship. If you won’t give unless there’s a clear expectation of getting something in return, that’s evidence you won’t be happy if you stay.
Quick take: When there’s nothing left to give, there’s nothing left at all.
GUIDELINE # 12
In spite of how hurt and deprived you feel, if you are still willing to deliver a concrete expression of love, without expecting anything back in the near future, there’s a real chance there’s a solid core of aliveness in your relationship. If you won’t give unless there’s a clear expectation of getting something in return, that’s evidence you won’t be happy if you stay.
Quick take: When there’s nothing left to give, there’s nothing left at all.
- “When the satisfaction or the security of another person becomes as significant to one as is one’s own satisfaction or security, then the state of love exists.”
- What does it mean to say that someone else’s satisfaction or security is as significant as your own? To me it means that love is not the package you carry around, it’s the package you deliver. It’s not what you feel inside and certainly not what you say you feel inside, it’s what you can give based on what you feel inside.
- Smiling at your partner when he comes home
- Complimenting your partner on the excellent job she’s done on a pet project
- Stopping to rub your partner’s shoulders when you walk past him
- Picking up something you know your partner will like when you’re at the store
- Conceding some point that’s been a bone of contention between you
- Offering to help your partner when she’s working on something
STEP #13: REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE
The issue we’ve got to face here is where to draw the line between
GUIDELINE # 13
If either you or your partner has stopped wanting to touch the other or be touched by the other, and this goes on for several months without any sign of abating, then you’re making a profound statement about how alienated you are from each other, and based on the experience of other people in this situation you won’t be happy if you stay and you will be happy if you leave.
Quick take: If someone makes your flesh crawl, it’s time to crawl out of the relationship.
There’s one thing you have to be careful about with this guideline. It’s why I talked about this going on for several months without signs of abating. You have to be careful about the fact that people get into weird places when they’re mad at each other or when they feel hurt by the other. So there are very commonly periods in troubled relationships where there isn’t any touching going on, much less sex. And there are periods where emotions are running so high that you don’t want to be touching each other. But I’m not talking about situations like these, and you’ve got to make sure that you don’t apply this guideline to what’s essentially a temporary situation. Guideline #13 applies only when it sinks in that literally not wanting touching has become permanent for you or your partner.
The issue we’ve got to face here is where to draw the line between
- sexual problems that frustrate and disappoint us and
- sexual problems that make a relationship too bad to stay in.
GUIDELINE # 13
If either you or your partner has stopped wanting to touch the other or be touched by the other, and this goes on for several months without any sign of abating, then you’re making a profound statement about how alienated you are from each other, and based on the experience of other people in this situation you won’t be happy if you stay and you will be happy if you leave.
Quick take: If someone makes your flesh crawl, it’s time to crawl out of the relationship.
There’s one thing you have to be careful about with this guideline. It’s why I talked about this going on for several months without signs of abating. You have to be careful about the fact that people get into weird places when they’re mad at each other or when they feel hurt by the other. So there are very commonly periods in troubled relationships where there isn’t any touching going on, much less sex. And there are periods where emotions are running so high that you don’t want to be touching each other. But I’m not talking about situations like these, and you’ve got to make sure that you don’t apply this guideline to what’s essentially a temporary situation. Guideline #13 applies only when it sinks in that literally not wanting touching has become permanent for you or your partner.
STEP #14: GETTING PHYSICAL
GUIDELINE # 14
If you feel a physical, sexual attraction to your partner that puts him or her in a special category for you, where you’re drawn to him or her strongly and in a way you’re not drawn to anyone else, then I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happy if you stay because most people in this situation are happy they stay, as long as there are no powerful reasons to leave.
Quick take: If you’re especially attracted to your partner, there’s something special about your relationship.
If this guideline doesn’t apply to you, don’t worry. People can be perfectly happy in relationships with someone they’re no more physically attracted to than they are to anyone else. All you absolutely need is what the previous guideline pointed to, that you want to touch each other. So what if you’re physically attracted to other people, too? It’s just that in those cases where someone’s partner feels special to them physically not because of any unique beauty but because of some chemistry that makes them feel different from others, then as long as there are no other problems, people in this situation are usually happy they stayed and unhappy they left.
GUIDELINE # 14
If you feel a physical, sexual attraction to your partner that puts him or her in a special category for you, where you’re drawn to him or her strongly and in a way you’re not drawn to anyone else, then I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happy if you stay because most people in this situation are happy they stay, as long as there are no powerful reasons to leave.
Quick take: If you’re especially attracted to your partner, there’s something special about your relationship.
If this guideline doesn’t apply to you, don’t worry. People can be perfectly happy in relationships with someone they’re no more physically attracted to than they are to anyone else. All you absolutely need is what the previous guideline pointed to, that you want to touch each other. So what if you’re physically attracted to other people, too? It’s just that in those cases where someone’s partner feels special to them physically not because of any unique beauty but because of some chemistry that makes them feel different from others, then as long as there are no other problems, people in this situation are usually happy they stayed and unhappy they left.
STEP #15: BEYOND DENIAL
GUIDELINE # 15
If there’s something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, and if you’ve tried to get him to acknowledge it and he simply cannot and does not, then that problem will just get worse over time. If the thought of a lifetime with it getting worse is not acceptable, you’ll be happiest if you leave.
Quick take: If your partner can’t even see what it is about him that makes you want to get out, it’s time to get out.
GUIDELINE # 15
If there’s something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, and if you’ve tried to get him to acknowledge it and he simply cannot and does not, then that problem will just get worse over time. If the thought of a lifetime with it getting worse is not acceptable, you’ll be happiest if you leave.
Quick take: If your partner can’t even see what it is about him that makes you want to get out, it’s time to get out.
STEP #16: WILL THEY BE WILLING TO CHANGE?
Few things keep more people more stuck in relationship ambivalence than confusion about whether we have a right to ask for change at all. Aren’t we supposed to accept our partners for who they are? Aren’t we supposed to think only about changing ourselves and not the other person?
It’s Okay to Ask for Change
Nothing works more powerfully to make people feel rage and create distance than the sense that they can’t influence their partner. And to influence someone is to get them to change, whether it’s getting them to go from being someone who never picks up his socks to being someone who almost always picks up his socks, or getting them to go from being someone who always picks on you to being someone who never picks on you.
How do you then decide when your partner has problems that are too serious or too difficult for you to deal with for you to be happy staying with him? The solution we’ll work with here is to separate out four different issues: • Can he acknowledge his problem? • Is he willing to change? • Can you let go of being bothered by the problem? • Is he able to change?
GUIDELINE #16
If there’s something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, and he acknowledges it, but he’s in fact unwilling to do anything about it, and if his unwillingness has been clear for at least six months, you’ll be happier if you leave.
Quick take: if you're waiting for your partner to want to change, you're waiting for something that is not likely to happen.
It really works when people come up with some specific idea of what it means for them for their partner to be willing to change and then they tell their partner what this is. They say something like, “This problem of yours makes me want to leave our relationship. You’ve said that you acknowledge that you have this problem. I’ll know that you’re willing to do something about it if you .. ,” and then they say what that something is. Your partner can’t just say he’s willing to change and then not do anything that demonstrates real willingness to you. So how do you come up with this thing that demonstrates real willingness to you that you’ll tell your partner about? Whatever you come up with has to be real and specific and meaningful and observable. It’s got to be something that’ll actually make you firmly believe your partner is genuinely trying to change. It’s got to be some action about which you can say, “I know he’s willing to change because when he does that, I know he’s really trying.”
People do the same thing with problem partners. If you’ve waited a year for your partner to change, you’re almost magically drawn into waiting another year. And then how can you not wait two more years after waiting the first two years? Be careful not to become a victim of the Waiting Trap, wherein the more you wait, the more you feel you have to keep waiting to recoup your initial investment. It’s to avoid the Waiting Trap that you specify a time frame when you talk about the specific thing you want your partner to do to show that he’s really willing to change. Some people hate the suggestion I’m about to make, but it’s really helpful to actually write down what your partner’s willing to do and the time frame on a dated piece of paper. Then you both sign it. (If he won’t even sign it, how can he be showing his willingness to change?) Then check in with this piece of paper a year (or however long you agree on) later. If he hasn’t done what the two of you have agreed, then he’s shown that in fact, regardless of his words, he’s unwilling to change and guideline #16 kicks in.
Few things keep more people more stuck in relationship ambivalence than confusion about whether we have a right to ask for change at all. Aren’t we supposed to accept our partners for who they are? Aren’t we supposed to think only about changing ourselves and not the other person?
It’s Okay to Ask for Change
Nothing works more powerfully to make people feel rage and create distance than the sense that they can’t influence their partner. And to influence someone is to get them to change, whether it’s getting them to go from being someone who never picks up his socks to being someone who almost always picks up his socks, or getting them to go from being someone who always picks on you to being someone who never picks on you.
How do you then decide when your partner has problems that are too serious or too difficult for you to deal with for you to be happy staying with him? The solution we’ll work with here is to separate out four different issues: • Can he acknowledge his problem? • Is he willing to change? • Can you let go of being bothered by the problem? • Is he able to change?
GUIDELINE #16
If there’s something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, and he acknowledges it, but he’s in fact unwilling to do anything about it, and if his unwillingness has been clear for at least six months, you’ll be happier if you leave.
Quick take: if you're waiting for your partner to want to change, you're waiting for something that is not likely to happen.
It really works when people come up with some specific idea of what it means for them for their partner to be willing to change and then they tell their partner what this is. They say something like, “This problem of yours makes me want to leave our relationship. You’ve said that you acknowledge that you have this problem. I’ll know that you’re willing to do something about it if you .. ,” and then they say what that something is. Your partner can’t just say he’s willing to change and then not do anything that demonstrates real willingness to you. So how do you come up with this thing that demonstrates real willingness to you that you’ll tell your partner about? Whatever you come up with has to be real and specific and meaningful and observable. It’s got to be something that’ll actually make you firmly believe your partner is genuinely trying to change. It’s got to be some action about which you can say, “I know he’s willing to change because when he does that, I know he’s really trying.”
People do the same thing with problem partners. If you’ve waited a year for your partner to change, you’re almost magically drawn into waiting another year. And then how can you not wait two more years after waiting the first two years? Be careful not to become a victim of the Waiting Trap, wherein the more you wait, the more you feel you have to keep waiting to recoup your initial investment. It’s to avoid the Waiting Trap that you specify a time frame when you talk about the specific thing you want your partner to do to show that he’s really willing to change. Some people hate the suggestion I’m about to make, but it’s really helpful to actually write down what your partner’s willing to do and the time frame on a dated piece of paper. Then you both sign it. (If he won’t even sign it, how can he be showing his willingness to change?) Then check in with this piece of paper a year (or however long you agree on) later. If he hasn’t done what the two of you have agreed, then he’s shown that in fact, regardless of his words, he’s unwilling to change and guideline #16 kicks in.
STEP #17: LETTING GO
GUIDELINE #17
This problem your partner has that makes you want to leave: have you tried to let it go, ignore it, stop letting it bother you? And were you successful? If you can really let go of the problem that’s most making you feel you want to leave your partner, if you can stop paying attention to it or stop letting it bother you, there’s a real chance this relationship is too good to leave.
Quick take: In a relationship with a future, people can let go of the problems they can’t solve.
GUIDELINE #17
This problem your partner has that makes you want to leave: have you tried to let it go, ignore it, stop letting it bother you? And were you successful? If you can really let go of the problem that’s most making you feel you want to leave your partner, if you can stop paying attention to it or stop letting it bother you, there’s a real chance this relationship is too good to leave.
Quick take: In a relationship with a future, people can let go of the problems they can’t solve.
STEP #18: CHANGE AND THE WORLD CHANGES WITH YOU
GUIDELINE #18
Does your partner acknowledge the problem and are they willing to do something about it and are they able to change? If your partner shows a real sign of being able to change with respect to a problem that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, there’s a good chance there’s something healthy and alive at the core of your relationship and you won’t be happy if you give up on it at this point.
Quick take: It’s the ability to change that turns frogs into princes.
if your partner hasn’t yet shown signs that they can change, as long as they've passed the acknowledgment and willingness to change tests, there’s always the possibility of change in the future. Whether that change will actually come and whether it’s enough for you are important questions, but I think they can be put off until later. Right now, because your partner’s passed the acknowledgment and willingness to change tests, people in your situation make it clear that you can afford to wait and see what happens.
GUIDELINE #18
Does your partner acknowledge the problem and are they willing to do something about it and are they able to change? If your partner shows a real sign of being able to change with respect to a problem that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, there’s a good chance there’s something healthy and alive at the core of your relationship and you won’t be happy if you give up on it at this point.
Quick take: It’s the ability to change that turns frogs into princes.
if your partner hasn’t yet shown signs that they can change, as long as they've passed the acknowledgment and willingness to change tests, there’s always the possibility of change in the future. Whether that change will actually come and whether it’s enough for you are important questions, but I think they can be put off until later. Right now, because your partner’s passed the acknowledgment and willingness to change tests, people in your situation make it clear that you can afford to wait and see what happens.
STEP #19: DRAWING THE BOTTOM LINE
Guess what one of the biggest differences is between people who stayed when they should have left and people who avoided this mistake.
People who were happy with what they did
What happened next to people who ignored their bottom line was tragic. If there’s something that’s really a bottom line for you and your partner crosses it and you don’t act on it, then you’re performing an act of psychological self-mutilation. It’s as if you’d say, “I felt that that was completely unacceptable and part of me still feels that way, but then they crossed the line and I couldn’t or wouldn’t do anything about it. So what right do I have anymore to say that that was my bottom line or continue to complain about it?” And then in a weird, sad way you become a backdoor accomplice to whatever it is your partner does. It’s as if you were saying, “That ruins the relationship for me but I give you permission to do it anyway and I give myself permission to do nothing about your doing it.” You might as well just say, “Let’s set things up so we can hate each other.”
Not acknowledging your bottom lines and not acting when they’re violated has permanently damaging psychological consequences.
So here’s your chance to say what your bottom lines are. Search your heart, then fill in the blanks. The three spaces I’ve left for each statement are just a suggestion. You might have one bottom line or you might have many.
GUIDELINE #19
If you’ve made it clear what your real bottom lines are and your partner’s violated them anyway, then by definition you will not be happy if you stay and you will only be happy if you leave.
Quick take: The bottom line is the end of the line.
Let me sum up what’s important for you to know about bottom lines:
Guess what one of the biggest differences is between people who stayed when they should have left and people who avoided this mistake.
People who were happy with what they did
- knew what their personal bottom lines were
- saw that their partners had gone over the line
- and they were willing to act on that knowledge.
- they couldn’t or wouldn’t say what their bottom lines were
- they couldn’t or wouldn’t acknowledge that their partners had gone over the line
- they weren’t willing to act on any transgression.
What happened next to people who ignored their bottom line was tragic. If there’s something that’s really a bottom line for you and your partner crosses it and you don’t act on it, then you’re performing an act of psychological self-mutilation. It’s as if you’d say, “I felt that that was completely unacceptable and part of me still feels that way, but then they crossed the line and I couldn’t or wouldn’t do anything about it. So what right do I have anymore to say that that was my bottom line or continue to complain about it?” And then in a weird, sad way you become a backdoor accomplice to whatever it is your partner does. It’s as if you were saying, “That ruins the relationship for me but I give you permission to do it anyway and I give myself permission to do nothing about your doing it.” You might as well just say, “Let’s set things up so we can hate each other.”
Not acknowledging your bottom lines and not acting when they’re violated has permanently damaging psychological consequences.
So here’s your chance to say what your bottom lines are. Search your heart, then fill in the blanks. The three spaces I’ve left for each statement are just a suggestion. You might have one bottom line or you might have many.
- “If my partner did _____________ then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship.”
- ”If my partner didn’t do _____________ then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship.”
- ”If these things were true about my partner — _____________ — then I’d feel I’d have to leave the relationship.”
GUIDELINE #19
If you’ve made it clear what your real bottom lines are and your partner’s violated them anyway, then by definition you will not be happy if you stay and you will only be happy if you leave.
Quick take: The bottom line is the end of the line.
Let me sum up what’s important for you to know about bottom lines:
- You’ve got to give yourself permission to have them, because otherwise you’re damaging and betraying yourself by going along with things that violate a bottom line that really exists.
- You’ve got to discover what they actually are for you. You learn what your bottom lines really are through experience with what you feel about what happens to you in your life.
- You’ve got to tell your partner what they are. But in doing so you can’t seem as though you’re threatening. It’s got to come across as a factual statement about what’s real for you.
- You’ve got to follow through. A bottom line is a deal breaker, not an annoyance. You and your partner can struggle over something you find annoying until the day you die. That’s normal even in satisfying relationships. But since a bottom line means the end of the line, you’ve got to let your partner know that when he gets close to it. And you’ve got to act on it when he goes over it.
STEP #20: WHO YOU LOVE AND HOW YOU LOVE
Here’s a four-line history of many relationships:
If you talk to a lot of people after their divorce and ask them what happened, they’ll so often focus on differences that were too large or too difficult to live with.
Here are some differences people have brought to me as reasons their relationship might be too bad to stay in:
Where all this gets confusing, and where I know you’re looking for help, is figuring out where to draw the line when it comes to the issue of difference. Exactly what kinds of differences really do make a difference? How big does the difference have to be to make a real difference? How uncomfortable does it have to make you feel? By the end of this chapter you’ll be able to distinguish between differences that might be merely annoying but don’t really make things bad in themselves and differences that stick a knife right into the heart of a relationship and make it too bad to stay in.
GUIDELINE #20
If you and your partner have passionately felt profoundly divergent preferences about how to live, and if the lifestyle you prefer is impossible with your partner, and if it’s clear that you’ll be happier living that lifestyle without your partner than living with your partner without that lifestyle, then you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
Quick take: You live a life, you don’t live a relationship.
Here’s a four-line history of many relationships:
- “I can’t believe how many things we have in common.”
- “Actually, in some ways we’re very different.”
- “We are really so different.”
- “We were just too different.”
If you talk to a lot of people after their divorce and ask them what happened, they’ll so often focus on differences that were too large or too difficult to live with.
Here are some differences people have brought to me as reasons their relationship might be too bad to stay in:
- Active/ lazy. One can’t stand not getting things done; the other can’t stand doing things.
- Hot/cold. One partner is warmer, more passionate, more emotional; the other is cooler, more reserved, more intellectual-seeming.
- Optimist/ pessimist. One is happier, more hopeful; the other is negative, gloomy, depressed.
- Fast/ slow. One does things quickly; the other goes as slow as possible.
- Extrovert/ introvert. One of you likes people, parties, popularity; the other likes staying home alone.
- Male/ female. This separates people in most relationships but some people are exaggeratedly masculine or feminine or exaggeratedly aware of gender differences.
- Black/ white. Actually, it doesn’t have to just be the black/ white difference; any profound racial or ethnic difference can separate two people.
- Physical/ sedentary. One likes to get a lot of exercise and do sports; the other just likes to sit around. • Ambitious/ pleasure bent. One wants to accomplish things; the other just wants to enjoy life.
- Thrifty/ spendthrifty. One of you hates spending money; money seems to burn a hole in the other’s pocket. • Smart/ stupid. One partner is faster, brighter than the other and prefers using her head to solve problems. The other thinks his partner is arrogant and arbitrary.
- Left/ right. One is a dedicated Democrat; the other is a rabid Republican.
- Aggressive/ passive. One likes to make things happen; the other likes to wait for things to happen.
- Rich/ poor. One either earns a lot or comes into the relationship with a lot of money; the other neither earns a lot nor has a lot.
- Practical/ dreamy. One always operates on a down-to-earth level; the other is driven by more idealistic or whimsical considerations.
Where all this gets confusing, and where I know you’re looking for help, is figuring out where to draw the line when it comes to the issue of difference. Exactly what kinds of differences really do make a difference? How big does the difference have to be to make a real difference? How uncomfortable does it have to make you feel? By the end of this chapter you’ll be able to distinguish between differences that might be merely annoying but don’t really make things bad in themselves and differences that stick a knife right into the heart of a relationship and make it too bad to stay in.
GUIDELINE #20
If you and your partner have passionately felt profoundly divergent preferences about how to live, and if the lifestyle you prefer is impossible with your partner, and if it’s clear that you’ll be happier living that lifestyle without your partner than living with your partner without that lifestyle, then you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
Quick take: You live a life, you don’t live a relationship.
STEP #21: I MARRIED A MARTIAN
GUIDELINE #21
If you truly feel that your partner is like you in some way that’s meaningful and that you feel good about, there’s a real chance your relationship is too good to leave. But if there’s no similarity at all in any way that’s important to you—so that you feel as if your partner is alien—most people in similiar situations ended up being happy if they left.
Quick take: Somehow, somewhere, when you look deep in your partner’s eyes you’ve got to be able to see yourself.
I sometimes call this the I-married-a-Martian factor. It's what leads people after decades of marriage to say "we just have nothing in common." It's not about the width or number of your differences. It's about finding another gap, how ever narrow, in that one place where you were counting on there being no differences.
GUIDELINE #21
If you truly feel that your partner is like you in some way that’s meaningful and that you feel good about, there’s a real chance your relationship is too good to leave. But if there’s no similarity at all in any way that’s important to you—so that you feel as if your partner is alien—most people in similiar situations ended up being happy if they left.
Quick take: Somehow, somewhere, when you look deep in your partner’s eyes you’ve got to be able to see yourself.
I sometimes call this the I-married-a-Martian factor. It's what leads people after decades of marriage to say "we just have nothing in common." It's not about the width or number of your differences. It's about finding another gap, how ever narrow, in that one place where you were counting on there being no differences.
STEP #22: NEW REASONS TO STAY
At the top of one sheet of paper write the words: "things I look forward to in my new life when I think about leaving." At the top of another sheet of paper write the words: "things I'm afraid of in a new life that make me think about staying."
In particular, when you're writing down the things you're looking forward to, clear the specific offers of support you're counting on from friends and family. When you look at what you written down, you'll have the opportunity to see the picture that tunnel vision might've created for you.
Now you have the opportunity to correct that tunnel vision. For each item on your list ask yourself,
The specific circumstances of everyone's life are so different. Only you know your hopes and fears and the realities that generate them. Only you have access to developing new information that will completely change your understanding of the realities you face. But you've got to develop this new information.
To help you develop this information, think about what awaits you by going through this checklist of issues:
GUIDELINE #22
At this point in the process, as you look more realistically at what it will be like for you to leave, if this fresh look clearly makes leaving seem too difficult and makes staying seem desirable, then you’ve gotten the clarity you were looking for and you know you’ll be happier staying.
Quick take: If staying makes sense when you really check into it, it makes sense to stay.
At the top of one sheet of paper write the words: "things I look forward to in my new life when I think about leaving." At the top of another sheet of paper write the words: "things I'm afraid of in a new life that make me think about staying."
In particular, when you're writing down the things you're looking forward to, clear the specific offers of support you're counting on from friends and family. When you look at what you written down, you'll have the opportunity to see the picture that tunnel vision might've created for you.
Now you have the opportunity to correct that tunnel vision. For each item on your list ask yourself,
- "Is this true?"
- "Is this likely?"
- "What else is possible?"
- "What's most likely?"
The specific circumstances of everyone's life are so different. Only you know your hopes and fears and the realities that generate them. Only you have access to developing new information that will completely change your understanding of the realities you face. But you've got to develop this new information.
To help you develop this information, think about what awaits you by going through this checklist of issues:
- Where will you live? How will you be able to afford it? Will you be able to commute to your job from there?
- How much savings will you have available to you after you leave? How much of your income will you have available? Will that be enough?
- What are your prospects for meeting people? This is a time to be brutally honest: do you have the characteristics that will make it relatively easy to find a new partner, should you want to? Will you want to go through the process of meeting new people?
- Is it realistically likely that you'll be lonely in your new life? How well do you cope with loneliness?
- What's going to happen with the kids? Is joint custody a possibility, and do you want it? Is not having custody likely for you; is that acceptable to you? Is having custody more likely, and have you thought through what it's like to parent kids on your own?
- What will being on your own do to your ability to work?
- Is it realistic that the friends you're counting on to be there for you will end up being there?
- How do your relatives feel about what you want to do? Will they provide moral support? Perhaps more importantly, will they actually deliver the practical or financial support they might have been promising?
GUIDELINE #22
At this point in the process, as you look more realistically at what it will be like for you to leave, if this fresh look clearly makes leaving seem too difficult and makes staying seem desirable, then you’ve gotten the clarity you were looking for and you know you’ll be happier staying.
Quick take: If staying makes sense when you really check into it, it makes sense to stay.
STEP #23: NEW REASONS TO LEAVE
GUIDELINE #23
If looking more realistically at what it will actually be like for you to leave your relationship clearly makes leaving seem easier and more attractive to you and makes staying seem like a bad idea, then you’ve gotten the clarity you were looking for and you’ll be happier if you leave.
Quick take: If leaving makes sense when you really check into it, then it makes sense to leave.
GUIDELINE #23
If looking more realistically at what it will actually be like for you to leave your relationship clearly makes leaving seem easier and more attractive to you and makes staying seem like a bad idea, then you’ve gotten the clarity you were looking for and you’ll be happier if you leave.
Quick take: If leaving makes sense when you really check into it, then it makes sense to leave.
STEP #24: WHEN DISRESPECT GOES TOO FAR
GUIDELINE #24
If your partner is starting to convince you through disrespectful words and actions that you’re a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you, then he’s starting to damage the way you see yourself and your entire sense of what you’re able to do. For almost everyone in a relationship where disrespect reaches this point, they’re happy when they leave and unhappy if they stay.
Quick take: If someone is starting to cut your legs out from under you, you’ve got to walk out while you still have legs.
Here are the crucial ingredients in this guideline:
"Starting to convince you." Your partner is saying things that you're actually coming to believe are true. Notice that if the things your partner says don't start to convince you, then this guideline doesn't apply. My husband tells me that he doesn't think I'm a very good driver, but nothing he's ever said or done has convinced me that I'm not a good driver.
"Through disrespectful words and actions." Your partner convinces you not only by saying things that put you down but by doing things. For example, he may not say in front of the kids that you don't know what you're talking about, but whenever you finish telling them to do something he goes behind your back and tells the kids they don't have to pay attention to you.
"You're a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot." Who cares if their partner convinces them that they don't know how to tune up a car's engine or judge water art? The disrespect I'm talking about here gets at the heart of what we need to function as whole people. You can't function if you think you're crazy or if you think that no one likes you or if you think that you never do anything right or if you think that you're basically stupid. Disrespect that starts to convince you of this is disrespect that undermines what you need to function.
"Parts of yourself that are important to you." You can't function if you believe there's something wrong with you as a whole. You also can't function if the very things that are most important to you to do in life are made impossible by the impact of your partners disrespect. If being a parent, for example, or trying to get a head in business is not only something you do but something is vitally important to your sense of yourself, and if you're convinced you can't do what is important to you, then your partner's disrespect is crippling.
GUIDELINE #24
If your partner is starting to convince you through disrespectful words and actions that you’re a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you, then he’s starting to damage the way you see yourself and your entire sense of what you’re able to do. For almost everyone in a relationship where disrespect reaches this point, they’re happy when they leave and unhappy if they stay.
Quick take: If someone is starting to cut your legs out from under you, you’ve got to walk out while you still have legs.
Here are the crucial ingredients in this guideline:
"Starting to convince you." Your partner is saying things that you're actually coming to believe are true. Notice that if the things your partner says don't start to convince you, then this guideline doesn't apply. My husband tells me that he doesn't think I'm a very good driver, but nothing he's ever said or done has convinced me that I'm not a good driver.
"Through disrespectful words and actions." Your partner convinces you not only by saying things that put you down but by doing things. For example, he may not say in front of the kids that you don't know what you're talking about, but whenever you finish telling them to do something he goes behind your back and tells the kids they don't have to pay attention to you.
"You're a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot." Who cares if their partner convinces them that they don't know how to tune up a car's engine or judge water art? The disrespect I'm talking about here gets at the heart of what we need to function as whole people. You can't function if you think you're crazy or if you think that no one likes you or if you think that you never do anything right or if you think that you're basically stupid. Disrespect that starts to convince you of this is disrespect that undermines what you need to function.
"Parts of yourself that are important to you." You can't function if you believe there's something wrong with you as a whole. You also can't function if the very things that are most important to you to do in life are made impossible by the impact of your partners disrespect. If being a parent, for example, or trying to get a head in business is not only something you do but something is vitally important to your sense of yourself, and if you're convinced you can't do what is important to you, then your partner's disrespect is crippling.
STEP #25: THE ATMOSPHERE OF RESPECT
A constant atmosphere of disrespect, in terms of its psychological effects, has some of the same ingredients as child abuse. Some of the same psychological factors that make it hard for children to see what's happening to them make it hard for you to see what's happening to you.
GUIDELINE #25
If your partner is all too often too disrespectful to you and you realize that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for those times where you absolutely must interact, then the level of disrespect has spoiled the atmosphere of your relationship and you’ll be happy if you leave.
Quick take: The water’s too bad to drink when you find you’ve stopped drinking the water.
Avoidance and distance are the measure of a level of disrespect that, even though it's non-toxic, it's too unpleasant for you to have to put up with.
It's important understand that you're doing "everything possible to limit your contact with your partner" goes far beyond physical avoidance:
We all do things in our relationships some of the time. But if you realize that you do everything possible to these things most of the time, then you've got to see that avoidance like this means you've already said your relationship is too bad to stay in. If your partner's disrespect makes you feel unsafe that you stay away from him in ways like these, then it's time you gave yourself permission to physically leave a relationship you emotionally left already.
A constant atmosphere of disrespect, in terms of its psychological effects, has some of the same ingredients as child abuse. Some of the same psychological factors that make it hard for children to see what's happening to them make it hard for you to see what's happening to you.
GUIDELINE #25
If your partner is all too often too disrespectful to you and you realize that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for those times where you absolutely must interact, then the level of disrespect has spoiled the atmosphere of your relationship and you’ll be happy if you leave.
Quick take: The water’s too bad to drink when you find you’ve stopped drinking the water.
Avoidance and distance are the measure of a level of disrespect that, even though it's non-toxic, it's too unpleasant for you to have to put up with.
It's important understand that you're doing "everything possible to limit your contact with your partner" goes far beyond physical avoidance:
- Every time you think about something and it occurs to you to share your thoughts with your partner and you don't, you're limiting your contact with him
- Every time you want to ask her a question and you don't, you're limiting your contact with her.
- Every time you wanna tell her about some small trial for disaster in your life and you stay silent, you're limiting your contact with him.
- Every time you think of the two of you doing something together and yet you don't even bring it up, you're limiting your contact with her
- Every time there's a real opportunity for some kind of intimacy and you let that opportunity slip past, you're limiting your contact with her.
- Every time is a decision to be made, instead of discussing it with him you just go ahead and make the decision on your own, you're limiting your contact with him.
We all do things in our relationships some of the time. But if you realize that you do everything possible to these things most of the time, then you've got to see that avoidance like this means you've already said your relationship is too bad to stay in. If your partner's disrespect makes you feel unsafe that you stay away from him in ways like these, then it's time you gave yourself permission to physically leave a relationship you emotionally left already.
STEP #26: RESPECT THAT DELIVERS
GUIDELINE #26
If you feel that your partner shows support for and interest in the things you’re trying to do that are important to you, and does so in ways that are substantial and concrete and that make a real difference to you, then most people who’ve been in your situation have said that they’re in a relationship that’s too good to leave. Quick take: Being there when it counts is respect that delivers.
If this guideline doesn't apply, that doesn't mean your relationship is too bad to stay in. As long as the lack of positive respect isn't harmful and doesn't literally drive you away from your partner, there can still be a satisfaction-producing core to a relationship with someone who doesn't provide the kind of support and interest you'd like. May not be ideal, but you can still live with it.
Besides, if you're not getting respect that delivers, that may be because of energy you withheld from the relationship because of your ambivalence. If your relationship doesn't turn out to be too bad to stay in, there could end up being changes in it that produce the respect you're looking for once you recommit to it.
GUIDELINE #26
If you feel that your partner shows support for and interest in the things you’re trying to do that are important to you, and does so in ways that are substantial and concrete and that make a real difference to you, then most people who’ve been in your situation have said that they’re in a relationship that’s too good to leave. Quick take: Being there when it counts is respect that delivers.
If this guideline doesn't apply, that doesn't mean your relationship is too bad to stay in. As long as the lack of positive respect isn't harmful and doesn't literally drive you away from your partner, there can still be a satisfaction-producing core to a relationship with someone who doesn't provide the kind of support and interest you'd like. May not be ideal, but you can still live with it.
Besides, if you're not getting respect that delivers, that may be because of energy you withheld from the relationship because of your ambivalence. If your relationship doesn't turn out to be too bad to stay in, there could end up being changes in it that produce the respect you're looking for once you recommit to it.
STEP #27: RESPECTING YOUR PARTNER
We've all got to learn to accept our partners for who they are up to a point. But when do you bail out? When does the respect you feel for the person you see sitting across from you fall below the point where your relationship is no longer good enough to stay in?
I can't tell you how many people I've worked with who agonized over that question. I'm talking about people whose partners had trouble earning a living, whose partners had no ambition, whose partners made stupid and disastrous choices, whose partners revealed stubborn depths of blind stupidity, all kinds of things that made it hard for them to say, "I respect you," to their partners and mean it.
GUIDELINE #27
If it’s clear to you that you wouldn’t lose anything you couldn’t do without if your relationship were over, then your partner doesn’t have anything real to offer you and they are not a resource for you. Even if your partner does provide things, if what they provide are things you don’t particularly respect them for, they are not a respected resource for you. Most people in this situation were happy when they left the relationship.
Quick take: There’s no need to keep something you wouldn’t miss if it were gone or that you don’t value when you’ve got it.
This guideline has an importance that's easy to overlook. We all need help. You and I both need as many resources in our lives as possible. If you live with someone who is simply not a resource for you in any important way, not only are you living with whatever other problems are going on to make this relationship iffy, but you are depriving yourself of the possibility of spending your life with someone different who could really be a resource for you.
We've all got to learn to accept our partners for who they are up to a point. But when do you bail out? When does the respect you feel for the person you see sitting across from you fall below the point where your relationship is no longer good enough to stay in?
I can't tell you how many people I've worked with who agonized over that question. I'm talking about people whose partners had trouble earning a living, whose partners had no ambition, whose partners made stupid and disastrous choices, whose partners revealed stubborn depths of blind stupidity, all kinds of things that made it hard for them to say, "I respect you," to their partners and mean it.
GUIDELINE #27
If it’s clear to you that you wouldn’t lose anything you couldn’t do without if your relationship were over, then your partner doesn’t have anything real to offer you and they are not a resource for you. Even if your partner does provide things, if what they provide are things you don’t particularly respect them for, they are not a respected resource for you. Most people in this situation were happy when they left the relationship.
Quick take: There’s no need to keep something you wouldn’t miss if it were gone or that you don’t value when you’ve got it.
This guideline has an importance that's easy to overlook. We all need help. You and I both need as many resources in our lives as possible. If you live with someone who is simply not a resource for you in any important way, not only are you living with whatever other problems are going on to make this relationship iffy, but you are depriving yourself of the possibility of spending your life with someone different who could really be a resource for you.
STEP #28: THE WOUNDS THAT TIME CAN'T HEAL
GUIDELINE #28
If there continues to be a lessening in the sense of pain and hurt and fear and anger after the “crime” you or your partner committed, then there’s a good chance that your relationship can heal the damage caused by this “crime.” In that case, if this was the main reason you were thinking of leaving the relationship, the odds are in your favor that it’s too good to leave.
Quick take: Time heals all healable wounds.
This question is important because people often don't even know how to begin to think about what a "crime" really means of the relationship. But merely because something bad happened is not a sign that the relationship is too bad to stay in. If you can see that healing is happening, then you can feel comfortable knowing that you're going through a healing process and that you'll survive the wound intact.
GUIDELINE #28
If there continues to be a lessening in the sense of pain and hurt and fear and anger after the “crime” you or your partner committed, then there’s a good chance that your relationship can heal the damage caused by this “crime.” In that case, if this was the main reason you were thinking of leaving the relationship, the odds are in your favor that it’s too good to leave.
Quick take: Time heals all healable wounds.
This question is important because people often don't even know how to begin to think about what a "crime" really means of the relationship. But merely because something bad happened is not a sign that the relationship is too bad to stay in. If you can see that healing is happening, then you can feel comfortable knowing that you're going through a healing process and that you'll survive the wound intact.
STEP #29: IS FORGIVENESS POSSIBLE?
What I'm asking is whether the person who has been injured has actually ever forgiven their partner for anything. After a period of hurt and anger, did they actually let go of their sense of grievance? Was the forgiveness genuine, And not merely words? And, equally important, did the other partner, the one who needed the forgiveness, willingly perform any active restitution or atonement or healing? Did this act make a difference?
GUIDELINE #29
If there’s a demonstrated capacity for genuine forgiveness, including the ability to let go of anger and hurt, the ability to feel forgiveness, and the ability in the other person to show that he feels sincerely sorry, then this relationship can survive an injury that would otherwise make it too bad to stay in. But if not, and, based on guideline #28, if there’s also been no healing over time, then the damage was probably so great and the capacity for healing is so small that this relationship is too bad to stay in. In such a case, most people are happy they left and unhappy they stayed.
Quick take: If you can’t find your way back to forgiveness, you can’t find your way back to each other.
What I'm asking is whether the person who has been injured has actually ever forgiven their partner for anything. After a period of hurt and anger, did they actually let go of their sense of grievance? Was the forgiveness genuine, And not merely words? And, equally important, did the other partner, the one who needed the forgiveness, willingly perform any active restitution or atonement or healing? Did this act make a difference?
GUIDELINE #29
If there’s a demonstrated capacity for genuine forgiveness, including the ability to let go of anger and hurt, the ability to feel forgiveness, and the ability in the other person to show that he feels sincerely sorry, then this relationship can survive an injury that would otherwise make it too bad to stay in. But if not, and, based on guideline #28, if there’s also been no healing over time, then the damage was probably so great and the capacity for healing is so small that this relationship is too bad to stay in. In such a case, most people are happy they left and unhappy they stayed.
Quick take: If you can’t find your way back to forgiveness, you can’t find your way back to each other.
A relationship is supposed to be a kind of home within the home, and inner sanctum, a refuge. It's supposed to be a unique place where you and that one special person can find peace and get the things you really want to life that mean the most to you – that's the vision of a relationship we look forward to when we fall in love. So it's a terrible shock for all of us when this special refuge turns into a place of strife and deprivation, where things we want we simply can't get, or we get them only after a painful fight, or we fight and we still don't get them. Probably no experience is more common in turning a relationship we're content with into one we're thinking of leaving than the experience of constant fights and unmet needs.
STEP #30: THE ABILITY TO NEGOTIATE SOLUTIONS
GUIDELINE #30
If you’ve lost hope that you’ll be able to get a reasonable need met without a too-painful struggle to arrive at a solution, then I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
Quick take: Frustration, fear, and deprivation are nature’s way of telling you that this relationship is not your home.
These then are the four mechanisms that make people feel it’s just too hard to get their needs met. Let me briefly summarize them:
“I can do whatever I want, right?” Your partner’s making unilateral moves: doing what he wants when he wants it by himself without talking to you about it.
“It’s such an ordeal talking about the littlest thing.” This is when negotiating solutions together is virtually impossible. Here’s what makes it impossible:
“You never do what you say you’re going to do.” This is where the issue of trust comes up in relationships. When people make agreements and then break them, the relationship is not only a place of fighting and deprivation, it’s a place of betrayal.
“We’re very polite with each other.” This is what happens to people in a relationship when they’re furious and exhausted from pointless fighting, broken agreements, and unmet needs. There’s no fighting, there’s just despair.
STEP #30: THE ABILITY TO NEGOTIATE SOLUTIONS
GUIDELINE #30
If you’ve lost hope that you’ll be able to get a reasonable need met without a too-painful struggle to arrive at a solution, then I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
Quick take: Frustration, fear, and deprivation are nature’s way of telling you that this relationship is not your home.
These then are the four mechanisms that make people feel it’s just too hard to get their needs met. Let me briefly summarize them:
“I can do whatever I want, right?” Your partner’s making unilateral moves: doing what he wants when he wants it by himself without talking to you about it.
“It’s such an ordeal talking about the littlest thing.” This is when negotiating solutions together is virtually impossible. Here’s what makes it impossible:
- You can’t listen to each other or understand what the other is saying, because you feel furious and deprived or because your partner is a bad communicator or because you’re exhausted and overwhelmed.
- You’re scared to death you’re going to lose, because your partner’s a dirty fighter or because your partner’s limited.
- You’re afraid of being attacked, because your partner’s a “historian” and hooks everything you bring up into the past or because you’re constantly criticized when you have a need. You’re afraid of conflict and struggle, because every single negotiation in the past has ended in disaster, or because your partner’s a nut and the stress of negotiation either depresses her or makes her feel she’s got to threaten to leave or because there are specific stumbling blocks that you bang into two minutes into any negotiation.
“You never do what you say you’re going to do.” This is where the issue of trust comes up in relationships. When people make agreements and then break them, the relationship is not only a place of fighting and deprivation, it’s a place of betrayal.
“We’re very polite with each other.” This is what happens to people in a relationship when they’re furious and exhausted from pointless fighting, broken agreements, and unmet needs. There’s no fighting, there’s just despair.
STEP #31: GETTING THE BIG NEED MET
GUIDELINE #31
If you have a need that’s so important that, if you don’t get it met, looking back you’ll say your life wasn’t satisfying, and if your partner stands in the way of your getting your need met and you don’t believe that you’ll ever be able to work out a resolution, then you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
Quick take: Beware of unmet needs so important they sow the seeds of hate.
Unmet needs are one of the main causes of people being stuck in ambivalence. So face your big needs. See the difference it will make to your happiness if you don't get them met. And if you're unsure whether not getting those needs met will make your life unsatisfying, then it's not a big enough need to end a relationship over. If not getting it met will clearly make your life on unsatisfying, you're just condemning yourself and your partner to misery if you do stay.
GUIDELINE #31
If you have a need that’s so important that, if you don’t get it met, looking back you’ll say your life wasn’t satisfying, and if your partner stands in the way of your getting your need met and you don’t believe that you’ll ever be able to work out a resolution, then you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
Quick take: Beware of unmet needs so important they sow the seeds of hate.
Unmet needs are one of the main causes of people being stuck in ambivalence. So face your big needs. See the difference it will make to your happiness if you don't get them met. And if you're unsure whether not getting those needs met will make your life unsatisfying, then it's not a big enough need to end a relationship over. If not getting it met will clearly make your life on unsatisfying, you're just condemning yourself and your partner to misery if you do stay.
STEP #32: WHEN YOU GET CLOSE, YOU GET HURT
GUIDELINE #32
It’s normal to get hurt occasionally when you get close to someone, but if you feel that your partner’s main interest in getting close to you is making you feel his anger and criticism, then you’ll never feel close or safe in your relationship and you’ll be happier if you leave than if you stay.
Quick take: If getting close to your partner feels like you’re getting into the boxing ring with him or her, then it’s time to end the match.
In our relationships, none of us like to feel constantly criticized and judged and controlled and micromanaged. Most of the time, though, you can let your partner know that you're starting to feel judged and they'll back off. Most the time there are safe havens of closeness in your relationship where criticism and judgment drop away and as you get more intimate you're more appreciative of each other.
This guideline focuses on those people who turn this upside down and inside out, who are invested in not backing off their criticism and who are eager to get close to you so they can inflict their judgments on you. Instead of providing safety they destroy it. That's when you know you've got to leave.
But I don't wanna emphasize the idea of criticisms. This guideline could apply without your partner ever being critical. The key is your feelings. The key is your sense that you're living in a topsy-turvy world with your partner where, for whatever reason, distance feels better than closeness, where distance feels safer than closeness, where instead of seeking out close as you avoid it as a place where you sense bad things will happen to you.
This guideline does not apply if you're simply one of those people who aren't quite so comfortable with intimacy as other people. Not everyone has to like getting real close. But there's a big difference between preferring a slightly greater distance and fearing (based on experience with this person) that you'll get hurt if you get close.
GUIDELINE #32
It’s normal to get hurt occasionally when you get close to someone, but if you feel that your partner’s main interest in getting close to you is making you feel his anger and criticism, then you’ll never feel close or safe in your relationship and you’ll be happier if you leave than if you stay.
Quick take: If getting close to your partner feels like you’re getting into the boxing ring with him or her, then it’s time to end the match.
In our relationships, none of us like to feel constantly criticized and judged and controlled and micromanaged. Most of the time, though, you can let your partner know that you're starting to feel judged and they'll back off. Most the time there are safe havens of closeness in your relationship where criticism and judgment drop away and as you get more intimate you're more appreciative of each other.
This guideline focuses on those people who turn this upside down and inside out, who are invested in not backing off their criticism and who are eager to get close to you so they can inflict their judgments on you. Instead of providing safety they destroy it. That's when you know you've got to leave.
But I don't wanna emphasize the idea of criticisms. This guideline could apply without your partner ever being critical. The key is your feelings. The key is your sense that you're living in a topsy-turvy world with your partner where, for whatever reason, distance feels better than closeness, where distance feels safer than closeness, where instead of seeking out close as you avoid it as a place where you sense bad things will happen to you.
This guideline does not apply if you're simply one of those people who aren't quite so comfortable with intimacy as other people. Not everyone has to like getting real close. But there's a big difference between preferring a slightly greater distance and fearing (based on experience with this person) that you'll get hurt if you get close.
STEP #33: LOOKING FOR INTIMACY
GUIDELINE #33
If you and your partner cannot agree about what intimacy is for the two of you and how to get it, and if holding on to your positions is more important to you than bridging your differences, then most people in your situation end up not being happy they stayed in the relationship and end up happy they left.
Quick take: If getting close drives you apart, you can never get close.
A partner who's had trouble getting close to you because of his upbringing (or whatever) can still say, "I understand that what it means to you for us to get close is [whatever it happens to be for you], and I'm willing to do what I can, at least a better job than I have been, and helping us get close in that way." Maybe you're still far apart, but slowly that distance can shrink and you can have the experience of that distance shrinking. When you have strongly opposing visions of intimacy, the last thing your partner wants is to understand what it means for you to get close, because from their point of you your vision is a mistake, a danger even.
In a sense all this says is that people can learn what they don't know, but to learn what they think is wrong is impossible.
GUIDELINE #33
If you and your partner cannot agree about what intimacy is for the two of you and how to get it, and if holding on to your positions is more important to you than bridging your differences, then most people in your situation end up not being happy they stayed in the relationship and end up happy they left.
Quick take: If getting close drives you apart, you can never get close.
A partner who's had trouble getting close to you because of his upbringing (or whatever) can still say, "I understand that what it means to you for us to get close is [whatever it happens to be for you], and I'm willing to do what I can, at least a better job than I have been, and helping us get close in that way." Maybe you're still far apart, but slowly that distance can shrink and you can have the experience of that distance shrinking. When you have strongly opposing visions of intimacy, the last thing your partner wants is to understand what it means for you to get close, because from their point of you your vision is a mistake, a danger even.
In a sense all this says is that people can learn what they don't know, but to learn what they think is wrong is impossible.
STEP #34: ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?
GUIDELINE #34
If you feel that you and your partner have turned a corner where having fun together is simply not a possibility at all, and you’re living without hope of the two of you having fun together again, then most people in your situation are happy they leave and unhappy they stay. If the possibility of fun between you does seem fully alive, then that’s a sign your relationship is too good to leave.
Quick take: Fun is the glue of love.
GUIDELINE #34
If you feel that you and your partner have turned a corner where having fun together is simply not a possibility at all, and you’re living without hope of the two of you having fun together again, then most people in your situation are happy they leave and unhappy they stay. If the possibility of fun between you does seem fully alive, then that’s a sign your relationship is too good to leave.
Quick take: Fun is the glue of love.
STEP #35: A REASON TO BE TOGETHER
GUIDELINE #35
If you and your partner share a goal or a dream for the future, if there’s something you organize your lives around and care about more than almost anything else, and if it’s something you do together in some way that not only gives you a sense of satisfaction but a sense of meaning, then for most people in your situation what you’ve got going for you means your relationship is too good to leave.
Quick take: Sharing a passion makes it easier to share a life.
And what if you don't have this? Don't worry about it. People who are up in the tree of love without any superglue are just as happy as everyone else. Having a special share a dream or goal doesn't actually make couples happier than couples who don't have it. If you're in love and you like each other and enjoy each other, it may not be important that you don't care about anything else?
It's just that for people in an iffy relationship, having a special sense of belonging can be powerful evidence your relationship is too good to leave. If you don't have it, though, it can still be too good to leave.
GUIDELINE #35
If you and your partner share a goal or a dream for the future, if there’s something you organize your lives around and care about more than almost anything else, and if it’s something you do together in some way that not only gives you a sense of satisfaction but a sense of meaning, then for most people in your situation what you’ve got going for you means your relationship is too good to leave.
Quick take: Sharing a passion makes it easier to share a life.
And what if you don't have this? Don't worry about it. People who are up in the tree of love without any superglue are just as happy as everyone else. Having a special share a dream or goal doesn't actually make couples happier than couples who don't have it. If you're in love and you like each other and enjoy each other, it may not be important that you don't care about anything else?
It's just that for people in an iffy relationship, having a special sense of belonging can be powerful evidence your relationship is too good to leave. If you don't have it, though, it can still be too good to leave.
STEP #36: THE LAST STEP
GUIDELINE #36
Even if there were no problems, if you still don’t know whether you want to be in this relationship, then you’re indicating a deep discomfort with something about your partner or your relationship. People who felt this way were happy they left and unhappy they stayed.
Quick take: If you don’t know whether you want to stay even if nothing were wrong, then you don’t want to stay.
A clear yes means this relationship is too bad to stay in. If your answer is no – "No, if all the problems in my relationship were solved, I'd want to stay in it" – that means this relationship is too good to leave.
That's it. Your answer to this question was either yes or no. You found the clarity you were looking for.
GUIDELINE #36
Even if there were no problems, if you still don’t know whether you want to be in this relationship, then you’re indicating a deep discomfort with something about your partner or your relationship. People who felt this way were happy they left and unhappy they stayed.
Quick take: If you don’t know whether you want to stay even if nothing were wrong, then you don’t want to stay.
A clear yes means this relationship is too bad to stay in. If your answer is no – "No, if all the problems in my relationship were solved, I'd want to stay in it" – that means this relationship is too good to leave.
That's it. Your answer to this question was either yes or no. You found the clarity you were looking for.