“The Art of Comforting: What to Say and Do for People in Distress” by Val Walker
The Art of Comforting: What to Say and Do for People in Distress by Val Walker is a guide to providing emotional support and comfort to individuals who are going through difficult times. Walker explores the importance of offering genuine comfort, empathy, and presence to those who are suffering, whether due to grief, illness, loss, or emotional distress. The book blends practical advice, personal anecdotes, and insights from psychology to help readers develop the skills needed to effectively comfort others.
1. Understanding Comfort: Walker begins by defining what comfort means and why it is essential during times of distress. Comfort is not about fixing problems or offering solutions but about providing emotional support, reassurance, and a sense of connection. People who are suffering often feel isolated, and comforting helps them feel understood and less alone. Walker emphasizes that genuine comfort requires empathy, compassion, and patience.
2. The Challenges of Comforting: Comforting others can be difficult, and their common fears and obstacles people face when trying to provide support. Many people feel anxious about saying the wrong thing, feel inadequate in the face of someone’s pain, or avoid comforting altogether because they are unsure of what to do. These fears can be overcome by focusing on being present, rather than perfect.
3. The Power of Presence: Offering comfort is often more about being present than saying the “right” words. Simply being with someone, offering a listening ear, and providing a non-judgmental space for them to express their emotions can be incredibly comforting. Being present means offering your full attention and showing that you care, even if you don’t have the answers.
4. Listening with Empathy: Effective comforting involves active listening, which means truly hearing and understanding the emotions of the person in distress. It's important to listen without interrupting, offering advice, or trying to steer the conversation. Empathetic listening allows the other person to feel heard and validated, which can be a significant source of comfort.
5. What to Say (and What Not to Say): The book offers practical advice on what to say when comforting someone. Walker suggests phrases that acknowledge the person’s feelings and express care, such as:
6. Comforting Through Action: In addition to offering verbal support, Walker emphasizes the importance of comforting through actions. Small gestures of kindness, such as making a meal, running errands, or simply sitting with someone, can convey care and support. Sometimes, physical presence and practical help can be more comforting than words.
7. Comforting Yourself: Walker stresses that in order to effectively comfort others, individuals must also take care of themselves. She discusses the importance of self-comforting practices, such as mindfulness, relaxation techniques, and seeking support when needed. Comforting can be emotionally taxing, and caregivers must ensure they have their own sources of support to avoid burnout.
8. Comforting in Different Contexts: The book explores various contexts in which comforting is needed, from supporting someone through grief or illness to comforting individuals experiencing job loss, relationship breakdowns, or mental health crises. Walker provides tailored advice for each situation, recognizing that different types of distress may require different approaches to offering comfort.
9. Cultural and Personal Differences in Comforting: Walker also acknowledges that comfort looks different across cultures and individual personalities. What feels comforting to one person may not work for another, so it’s important to be attuned to the specific needs and preferences of the person being comforted. Walker encourages readers to be flexible and adaptable, considering factors such as cultural norms, religious beliefs, and personal coping styles.
10. Comfort in the Digital Age: In the modern world, comforting can also take place through digital means. Walker touches on the role of technology and social media in offering support, discussing both the benefits and limitations of online communication. While text messages, emails, or social media posts can offer quick and accessible ways to show support, Walker emphasizes that in-person or voice-based communication often provides a deeper level of comfort.
11. The Role of Community in Comforting: Walker highlights the importance of community in providing comfort. While individuals can offer support, community networks—whether family, friends, or larger social groups—can provide sustained comfort and care over time. She encourages people to foster supportive communities and networks, as they play a crucial role in helping people through difficult times.
12. Comforting During Crisis and Uncertainty: The book also addresses how to offer comfort during times of crisis, such as natural disasters, pandemics, or other large-scale emergencies. In these situations, people may experience collective grief, fear, and uncertainty. Walker suggests focusing on providing stability, reassurance, and practical help during such challenging times.
1. Understanding Comfort: Walker begins by defining what comfort means and why it is essential during times of distress. Comfort is not about fixing problems or offering solutions but about providing emotional support, reassurance, and a sense of connection. People who are suffering often feel isolated, and comforting helps them feel understood and less alone. Walker emphasizes that genuine comfort requires empathy, compassion, and patience.
2. The Challenges of Comforting: Comforting others can be difficult, and their common fears and obstacles people face when trying to provide support. Many people feel anxious about saying the wrong thing, feel inadequate in the face of someone’s pain, or avoid comforting altogether because they are unsure of what to do. These fears can be overcome by focusing on being present, rather than perfect.
3. The Power of Presence: Offering comfort is often more about being present than saying the “right” words. Simply being with someone, offering a listening ear, and providing a non-judgmental space for them to express their emotions can be incredibly comforting. Being present means offering your full attention and showing that you care, even if you don’t have the answers.
4. Listening with Empathy: Effective comforting involves active listening, which means truly hearing and understanding the emotions of the person in distress. It's important to listen without interrupting, offering advice, or trying to steer the conversation. Empathetic listening allows the other person to feel heard and validated, which can be a significant source of comfort.
5. What to Say (and What Not to Say): The book offers practical advice on what to say when comforting someone. Walker suggests phrases that acknowledge the person’s feelings and express care, such as:
- “I’m here for you.”
- “It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling.”
- “I care about you, and I’m here to listen.”
6. Comforting Through Action: In addition to offering verbal support, Walker emphasizes the importance of comforting through actions. Small gestures of kindness, such as making a meal, running errands, or simply sitting with someone, can convey care and support. Sometimes, physical presence and practical help can be more comforting than words.
7. Comforting Yourself: Walker stresses that in order to effectively comfort others, individuals must also take care of themselves. She discusses the importance of self-comforting practices, such as mindfulness, relaxation techniques, and seeking support when needed. Comforting can be emotionally taxing, and caregivers must ensure they have their own sources of support to avoid burnout.
8. Comforting in Different Contexts: The book explores various contexts in which comforting is needed, from supporting someone through grief or illness to comforting individuals experiencing job loss, relationship breakdowns, or mental health crises. Walker provides tailored advice for each situation, recognizing that different types of distress may require different approaches to offering comfort.
9. Cultural and Personal Differences in Comforting: Walker also acknowledges that comfort looks different across cultures and individual personalities. What feels comforting to one person may not work for another, so it’s important to be attuned to the specific needs and preferences of the person being comforted. Walker encourages readers to be flexible and adaptable, considering factors such as cultural norms, religious beliefs, and personal coping styles.
10. Comfort in the Digital Age: In the modern world, comforting can also take place through digital means. Walker touches on the role of technology and social media in offering support, discussing both the benefits and limitations of online communication. While text messages, emails, or social media posts can offer quick and accessible ways to show support, Walker emphasizes that in-person or voice-based communication often provides a deeper level of comfort.
11. The Role of Community in Comforting: Walker highlights the importance of community in providing comfort. While individuals can offer support, community networks—whether family, friends, or larger social groups—can provide sustained comfort and care over time. She encourages people to foster supportive communities and networks, as they play a crucial role in helping people through difficult times.
12. Comforting During Crisis and Uncertainty: The book also addresses how to offer comfort during times of crisis, such as natural disasters, pandemics, or other large-scale emergencies. In these situations, people may experience collective grief, fear, and uncertainty. Walker suggests focusing on providing stability, reassurance, and practical help during such challenging times.
According to the Oxford dictionary, the word comfort means to be "strong with." When helping someone through a difficult time we are inclined to want to be "strong for" rather than "strong with." Being strong with someone means creating a sanctuary for someone in pain, just sitting down, listening, and allowing the person to acknowledge his or her pain. But we tend to value solution-focused, goal-oriented, and fast, efficient methods for offering assistance to others. We think that helping someone in pain is helping them "get over" the problem -- and fast. But as comforters we need to be "strong with" the person experiencing distress, accepting with them their uncertainty, a process that requires great patience and calm steadiness. We are far less comfortable being in a receptive, open, listening role – which is just what people in distress need most.
“Be Strong”
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LESS HELPFUL
God doesn't give you any more than you can handle. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You need to be strong like your mother. You need to be strong for your mother (for your children, family, coworkers). Be strong, and you get through it. |
MORE HELPFUL
It sounds like this is really hard. How are you doing with all this? I'm so glad you showed up here today. I'm here, if you want talk now. I can only imagine how you coped. |
“Be Positive”
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LESS HELPFUL
Something good will come out of this. It happened for the best. You are lucky that your father died peacefully. Be grateful it wasn't worse. You shouldn't be so angry. Keep a positive attitude––it's better for your health. You're going to be just fine. |
MORE HELPFUL
It sounds like it's impossible to see what's ahead. I'm so sorry this has happened. I was sad to hear the news about your father. You've had to deal with a lot all at once. It isn't fair, is it? It's amazing to see you smile with all you are coping with. I believe in you. |
“Be Faithful”
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LESS HELPFUL
Keep up the faith. This was part of God's plan. God works in mysterious ways. This was God's will. God test our faith. You need to pray more. |
MORE HELPFUL
I'm thinking of you every day. What has helped you get through the past few days? I can offer my help if you like I hope things get easier for you soon. It sounds hard, getting through these days. I'll be sending you my thoughts and prayers. |
New Age
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LESS HELPFUL
Your illness is the result of your negative beliefs. Your soul chose this tragedy before you incarnated. This is your karma. Your fears have made your chakras imbalanced. The answer lies within. Peace lies within. |
MORE HELPFUL
You must have been shocked to get the diagnosis. You need a break for change. This stinks, doesn't it? How was your body dealing with this strain? I hope you can find some moments of peace. |
“Get Over It”
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LESS HELPFUL
It's time to put this behind us. You need to keep busy, and get back to work. You have your whole life ahead of you. Just think how you'll be doing by this time next year. |
MORE HELPFUL
This might take time. I believe you'll know the right time to return to work. Allow some time for this. Take all the time you need for yourself. |
“I Understand”
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LESS HELPFUL
I understand how you feel. I know what that's like. I went through a tough time like that too. |
MORE HELPFUL
I can only imagine how hard this must be. Do you mind telling me what it's like? Tell me more, if you like. |
“Some Have It Harder”
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LESS HELPFUL
Just think what hurricane Katrina survivors went through. You should feel lucky. What you are going through is nothing like what my mother's generation went through. Your problem is not as bad as what my son is going through with cancer. |
MORE HELPFUL
You already have enough on your plate. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm so sorry this is happened to you. |
“We All Go Through It”
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LESS HELPFUL
We all face these hardships at some point. You aren't the only one going through tough times. This is part of life, part of living. Shit happens––that's just the way it is. |
MORE HELPFUL
You certainly didn't deserve that. Do you feel alone going through this? No one should have to go through that. This is really crappy. |
“You Can Always Get a New One”
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LESS HELPFUL
You can always get married again. You can always adopt the child. You can always get a new puppy. There are lots more fish in the sea. |
MORE HELPFUL
Remember, I'm there for you as your friend. You try so hard… I'm so sorry. It must be hard living without your pet now. I'm sending you my warmest wishes for bright future for you. |
“Call Me When You Need Me”
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LESS HELPFUL
Let me know if I can do anything to help. When you feel ready, just give me a call. When you feel like socializing again, I've got a fun dance group you can come to. |
MORE HELPFUL
I can bring you some groceries this Saturday. I'll call you Monday night and touch base. Would you like to come to my folk dance group with me next month on the 20th? |
“You Already Said That”
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LESS HELPFUL
You've already said that 3 times. Stop repeating yourself. I heard you and I get it already. |
MORE HELPFUL
It sounds like this is important to you. This sounds almost too big to sink in. I hear you. |
Asking “Why”
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LESS HELPFUL
Why didn’t you leave sooner? (From your bad job, abusive spouse, etc.) Why didn’t your sister call you sooner? Why didn't you stop smoking when you found out about the blood clot? Why do you think God is putting you through this? |
MORE HELPFUL
Sounds like you are going through hell. I'm sorry to hear no one called you in time. I can imagine it's hard to quit old habits. What you just told me sounds outrageous. |