From The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships, by Diane Poole Heller, (Mar 12, 2019)

Presenting ​Characteristics ​(how an individual relates with adults)

AVOIDANT

• Disconnected, non- emotional
• Lacks co-regulation
• Alienated, existence issues
• Lack of belonging
  
• Abrupt
• Isolated (loner)
• Distress with closeness

SECURE

• Attuned, present, safe
  
• ​Easy flow between connection & aloneness
  
• Playful
  
• Practices repair
  
• Expresses needs
  
• Loving touch and eye gaze

ANXIOUS

• Craves connection, simultaneously pushes others away
• Ignores caring behaviors
• Lack of self-soothing
• Fear of abandonment
• Difficulty trusng
• Misreads cues (negavely)
• Separaon distress

Caregiver Patterns ​(primary caregiver's response to child's distress)

AVOIDANT

SECURE

ANXIOUS

• Vacant, not present
  
• Rejecting
• Only present when tasking
• Doesn’t relate emotionally
• Not attuned to needs
• Regularly non- responsive
• Closeness begets withdrawal

• Attuned, present, safe
• Repairs mis- aunement
• Aligns with a child’s state
• Active listening
• Comfortable with connection and individuation
• Reflects cues correctly
• Consistent responsiveness
• Protective

• Role reversal
• On-again/off-again parenting
• Intrusive, no boundaries
• Intermittent reward
• Self-absorbed, preoccupied with own attachment wounds
• Inconsistent responsiveness

Narrative style (how an individual articulates the facts and events of their life)

AVOIDANT

SECURE

ANXIOUS

• Few words
• Lacks emotional vividness
• Factual
• ​Positive
• Focuses on future & denies past wounds

• Easy to follow
• Engaged and engaging
• Flow, coherent, vivid, alive
• Emotionally nuanced Authentic

• Overuse of words
• Overly emotional
• Negave complaints
• Mixes past/present tenses
• Pressure to speak

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