From The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships, by Diane Poole Heller, (Mar 12, 2019)

Presenting
​Characteristics

(how an individual relates in the context of an adult relationship)

AVOIDANT

  • Disconnected, non- emotional
  • Lacks co-regulation
  • Alienated, existence issues
  • Lack of belonging
  • Abrupt
  • Isolated (loner)
  • Distress with closeness

SECURE

  • Attuned, present, safe
  • ​Easy flow between connection & aloneness
  • Playful
  • Practices repair
  • Expresses needs
  • Loving touch and eye gaze

ANXIOUS

  • Craves connecon, simultaneously pushes others away
  • Ignores caring behaviors
  • Lack of self-soothing
  • Fear of abandonment
  • Difficulty trusng
  • Misreads cues (negavely)
  • Separaon distress

Caregiver
Patterns

(primary caregiver's response to child's distress)
  • Vacant, not present
  • Rejecting
  • Only present when tasking
  • Doesn’t relate emotionally
  • Not attuned to needs
  • Regularly non- responsive
  • Closeness begets withdrawal
  • Attuned, present, safe
  • Repairs mis- aunement
  • Aligns with a child’s state
  • Active listening
  • Comfortable with connection and individuation
  • Reflects cues correctly
  • Consistent responsiveness
  • Protective
  • Role reversal
  • On-again/off-again parenting
  • Intrusive, no boundaries
  • Intermittent reward
  • Self-absorbed, preoccupied with own attachment wounds
  • Inconsistent responsiveness

Narrative style

(how an individual articulates or tells the facts and events of their life)
  • Few words
  • Lacks emotional vividness
  • Factual
  • ​Positive
  • Focuses on future & denies past wounds
  • Easy to follow
  • Engaged and engaging
  • Flow, coherent, vivid, alive
  • Emotionally nuanced Authentic
  • Overuse of words
  • Overly emotional
  • Negave complaints
  • Mixes past/present tenses
  • Pressure to speak