Couple Therapy from Beginning to End In Recovery from Sexual Betrayal​

Mira Kirshenbaum, I Love You But I Don’t Trust You
  • It’s not the betrayal by itself that causes most of the damage. It’s the poor way we handle the aftermath. 
  • It is critical to ensure that the partners interact in a way that does not inflict further damage on the relationship.
  • If you’re not careful, things just get worse and worse, and pretty soon the relationship is blown out of the water, with both partners not considering the other. 
The Importance of Couple Therapy
  • Provides a clear path forward to repair damage in the relationship, effectively manage conflict, deepen emotional connection, and create shared meaning and ways to support what is most important to each partner.
  • Couple therapy informs the need for individual recovery work.
    • Focused trauma therapy for each partner
    • Support groups
    • Addiction recovery
  • Individual support without couple support provides focuses on individual needs at the expense of the relationship needs and risks destabilization and termination of the relationship.
  • Even though one partner can blow up the relationship with betrayal, both partners are ultimately responsible for the healing of the relationship.
  • Couples need to talk sooner rather than later about the impact of chronic issues and how to manage the recovery process, because couple and family life continues.
  • Helps partners understand how to deal with potential relapse, how to support one another, or discuss triggers and coping skills.
  • It is important for both partners to share and understand the impact of recovery (or wellness) on each other and on the relationship.
​Philip J. Flores, Addiction as an Attachment Disorder
  • Intimate long-lasting relationships are an integral part of human nature and the inability to establish long-lasting, gratifying relationships are directly related to the quality of early attachment experiences.
  • Addiction is both a consequence of and a solution to the absence of satisfying relationships. The emphasis on the ability to make attachments with others becomes crucial if treatment is to be successful.
  • Addicts must learn that mature relationships cannot be determined unilaterally by one person, but must be achieved through an interactive process of mutual agreement and consent.  
“The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety; the opposite of addiction is connection.”
​Johann Hari

What are we really treating?
The impact of the discovery of behavior that one thought would never happen
Broken trust as a result of betrayal
​
Affair vs Sex Addiction
Affair starts after relationship begins
Affair is kept secret
Affair involves choice to start the affair
Affair must stop
Addiction precedes relationship
Addiction is kept secret
Addiction involves choice not to get help
Addiction must stop
Discovery can cause trauma in the betrayed partner
Trust must be rebuilt
The entire relationship must be addressed
Infidelity & Secure Functioning 
Excerpts from article in New Therapist, Sept/Oct 2010 by Stan Tatkin
  • Secure functioning is a two-person system that is dynamically responsive to the needs of each partner.
  • Fidelity must not be viewed as loyalty to another person, but rather to a governing set of principles mutually agreed upon by the partners. Those principles are based on symmetry between partners and a social contract that places primary emphasis on the relationship itself and on the safety and security it provides both partners. 
  • In a very real sense, infidelity and affairs cannot be repaired or forgiven unless there is a transformation in the couple's relational stance which must become consistent with principles of secure functioning.
  • The real opportunity that arises out of the trauma created by an affair is the possibility of a transformation in the couple’s relational model. 

Secure Functioning (developed by Stan Tatkin)​

​All successful long-term relationships are secure-functioning relationships. Through secure functioning we form healthy attachments with one another. You and your partner take care of each other in ways that ensure that you both feel safe, secure, protected, accepted, and loved at all times. ​
  • Maintenance of a couple bubble promotes security.
    • Create an environment in which both partners can thrive and survive, even when under internal and/or external stress. It serves as a mutually protective membrane that contains the “air” they breathe. Therefore, each partner is expected to be a good steward of that environment, or both will suffer the consequences.
  • Partners must provide immediate reassurances of safety and security, as needed.
    • Commitment, permanence, devotion, and loyalty are fundamental to all secure primary attachment relationships. There cannot be lingering or persistent doubts created by hesitating, withholding, arguing, or sending any messages that undercut assurance and reassurance. This does not mean that partners cannot or should not at times insist on “change or else.” But that cannot be used as a customary way to manage one another’s behavior.
  • Home is not a place; rather it is the relationship.
    • The feeling of home resides in the attractiveness of the relationship (e.g., a place to be fully themselves, to relax and let go, to regenerate, to get their wounds licked, to celebrate successes, to share failures). 
  • Love relationships must operate on attraction, not fear or threat.
    • Partners move away from using strategies that employ fear or threat and instead rely on attraction strategies such as flirting, seducing, bargaining, influencing, and persuading. Another way to look at this is through the lens of negotiating win-win agreements.
  • True mutuality is the mark of a secure-functioning relationship.
    • “It has to be good for me AND you,” or “take care of me AND you at the same time.” This takes the notion of attraction further into social contracts based on fairness, justice, and sensitivity. Insecure models are one-person systems that function in ways that are unfair, unjust, and insensitive too much of the time.
  • Proper management of thirds means neither partner is ever the outsider.
    • A couple is two but there is always a third to be found.  A third means people, objects, tasks or anything that could intrude on forming or maintaining a couple bubble. A third can be children, in-laws, friends.  It could be work, hobbies, video games, TV shows.  And affair partners and addictions. 
  • Partners need an owner’s manual on each other.
    • Each partner needs to learn everything there is to know about the other and to use that knowledge to skillfully manage and assist the other. It is particularly important for each partner to know about the other’s most challenging interpersonal and personal issues. 
  • Understanding how memory works leads to the making of good memories and the dissolution of bad memories.
    • Injustices must be repaired immediately because the longer the distress goes unrepaired, the greater chance it will remain in memory for a very long time. This is the “you break it, you fix it” rule.
Radically Consider Your Partner
Mira Kirshenbaum, I Love You But I Don’t Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship
 
Betrayal happens when you don’t take into account another person who is relying on you. To rebuild trust requires a commitment to finding ways to radically consider your partner. When you radically consider your partner:
  • Instead of escalating impatience, there’s growing patience. 
  • Instead of anger that goes nowhere, there’s real listening and a real sense of feeling seen and heard
  • Instead of inflicting pain there’s an understanding of how to better meet each other‘s needs. 
  • You can discover how to consider each other in ways they’ve never done before. 
  • You can feel you matter to each other more than ever. 
  • The unfaithful and the injured become intimate partners in this rebuilding of trust.
  • When it’s all over, many people say that their relationship has never been stronger.


​The goal of treatment
Move toward secure functioning in the relationship
​

The Frame for Couple Recovery (Stan Tatkin)

  • For the couple
    • You’ve both lost something you can’t regain.
    • The relationship you rebuild will never be like it was.
    • You must develop a secure functioning relationship.
    • People want to get out of pain as fast as possible.  You will want to cut corners.
    • You will want to feel better at the expense of getting better.
    • Pain is necessary to process and grow.  
    • For awhile, the injured partner will have more power than the unfaithful partner.
  • For the betrayed partner
    • Trauma symptoms
    • Mood instability, nightmares, flashbacks, perseveration
    • Preoccupation with past, present, and future
    • Your brain can’t do anything other than review history
    • Must recalibrate your entire life
    • Who am I? Who are you? Who were we?
    • How can I trust you?
    • You have all the power for a while.
    • You need to hold fast to what needs to happen. 
    • Fear of losing your partner could sacrifice principles.
    • You have a pass for a while when you behave poorly.
    • The pass expires when unfaithful partner puts enough skin in the game. 
    • Nobody would blame you for wanting out of this relationship.
  • For the unfaithful partner
    • Shame and fear.
    • Needs to be totally transparent.  Don’t hold anything back.
    • Any hint that you are not being transparent will fuel the questioning for more details.
    • The longer you take to show up, the longer recovery will take.
    • You fear that more disclosure will be the end of the relationship.
    • You have no capital. No leverage. No power.
    • You must accept partner reactivity for a while.
    • You must buy back into the relationship.
    • Trust is killed.  You may never be fully trusted again, but that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the game.
    • You will be the perpetrator and healer.  Very difficult role.
    • Villain needs to become the Hero.
    • Loss brings regret.  Do not avoid loss and pain.  It will keep you motivated to grow.
    • You will be in the doghouse for a while.
    • It’s going to be very hard.
    • Nobody would blame you for not wanting to pay the price.
Beliefs That Block Healing
Mira Kirshenbaum, I Love You But I Don’t Trust You
  • When we’ve been betrayed, we think we’ve discovered the truth about someone. But in fact, all we’ve discovered is one truth about them.
  • Betrayal does not necessarily mean you are not loved. People who love you can hurt you.
State of the betrayed partner
Linda McDonald, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair
Pre-betrayal beliefs
I matter to you.
I am safe with you.
You value me.
You meant our wedding vows.
You are honest with me.
You care about my feelings.
You will protect me.
You have goodwill toward me.
You consider our marriage bed exclusive.
Post-betrayal beliefs
I mean nothing to you.
You are dangerous to me.
I am scum to you.
Our vows meant nothing.
You are not trustworthy.
You couldn’t care less.
You will harm me.
You wish me evil.
I am not enough for you.
Action required of unfaithful partner
  • Be fully transparent
  • Seek to understand their partner’s pain
  • Show remorse and not be defensive
  • Be patient with their partner’s emotions and time needed to recover
  • Increase ability to show sincere empathy and provide bold, heartfelt apologies.
  • Expect and respect the sensitivities and triggers of their spouse.
  • Pursue their partner and be proactive about checking on their emotional status
  • Need to develop ANTICIPATION and AWARENESS of triggers.
  • Never say things like:
    • You should be over this by now
    • Why can’t you move on?
    • Oh brother! That again?
    • Why do you keep browbeating me with this?
    • What’s your problem? I said I was sorry!
    • It’s over. Why can’t you accept that?
    • Why can’t you just forgive and forget?
    • You’re just bitter and vindictive.
    • You’ve hurt me too, you know!

3 Stage Model for Infidelity Recovery

Written for the public
Written for therapists
This model was also adapted by Paula Hall in Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples and Those Who Help Them.
  • Emotions of both partners typically run hot
  • A sense of urgency and yearning for emotional safety can drive either partner to behave in unpredictable ways
  • Establishing a collaborative alliance between partners can be challenging
  • Either partner may be ambivalent about staying in the relationship
  • Even if they know what they want, they have no idea how to get there
  • Couples need a road map for how to move from chaos to understanding and from understanding to good decisions

ROAD MAP TO RECOVERY

  • Stage 1 – Impact Stage 
    • is chaotic and difficult but it doesn’t last forever.  The key is to avoid making things worse and work to get some of this turmoil under better control.
  • Stage 2 – Meaning Stage 
    • is where we come to a shared understanding of what happened and look at all of the factors that contributed to the betrayal.  You will probably start to rebuild trust and intimacy but it won’t be enduring until we’ve looked at this from all angles.
  • Stage 3 – Moving On Stage 
    • involves moving toward the desired outcome for the relationship.
INITIAL ASSESSMENT
  • Brief marital history and genogram
  • Basic routines
  • Communication patterns
  • Relationship sentiment
  • Disclosure of betrayal to others
  • Information regarding betrayal
  • Partners’ strengths and vulnerabilities
  • Environmental resources and stressors
  • Additional considerations
  • Individual/group therapy

STAGE 1 - IMPACT

Damage Control
​Restore Equilibrium
Address Emotional Upheaval

  • Partners are attempting to comprehend what happened and what to do
  • Basic beliefs are disrupted
  • Bonds of trust and emotional security shattered
  • Daily patterns of behavior are questioned
  • Betrayed partner engages in safety seeking behavior
  • Interactions are often chaotic and intensely negative leading to frustration and anger
  • Strong emotions dominate
  • Change in balance of power
DAMAGE CONTROL
Do No Further Harm
Feeling crazy OK; acting crazy not OK
Do not do anything that you can’t take back.
When infidelity involves affair partners…
  • Agree on how outside relationships will end.
    • Letter/email discussed by both partners
    • Phone call/face to face with injured partner present
    • Special circumstances that require continued contact
  • Establish clear expectations regarding limits on any future contact
    • Face to face, phone calls, texts, social media, through 3rd party
    • Plan for how to respond if the other person initiates contact
    • Procedure if there are any violations of the agreement
Who to tell about the betrayal.
  • Find out who already knows.
  • Be cautious in telling someone about the affair if it is likely to damage the relationship between that person and either partner in the future (kids and parents)
  • Seek support from those who won’t take sides and who will support your process.
  • Do not tell people in order to punish your partner or throw them under the bus.  You can’t take that back.
Introduce disclosure process.
  • Review a summary of the disclosure process
  • Go over format.  What will be included.
  • Discuss and make agreements on boundaries prior to disclosure.
  • Discuss support needs after disclosure.
  • Begin to prep both partners for disclosure.
Disclosure
  • As soon as possible (within 3 -6 months of discovery)
  • Couple therapist can support both partners or each partner can have their own therapist
  • Preparation for the addict
    • Guided by partner's need and desire to know
    • Explore fear of telling the truth and benefits of doing so
    • Address shame as barrier to honesty and repair
    • Explain consequences of staggered disclosure
    • Use polygraph as leverage for truth telling
    • Write out and review
    • Share events of betrayal (no gory details) as well as repair
  • Preparation for the partner
    • Research their own timeline of unexplained periods in relationship
    • What do you already know?
    • What is your worst fear?
    • What do you imagine would be deal breaker?
    • Is there anything you don’t want to know?
    • Any specific questions?
    • Prepare them to ask questions during disclosure.
    • Don’t ask for gory details
    • Begin journaling thoughts and feelings on the impact of the discovery to prep for emotional impact/restitution in the future.​
  • Followed by continued couple therapy and trauma treatment for both as needed
The following material is taken from Disclosing Secrets: When, to Whom, & How Much to Reveal by M. Deborah Corley, PhD, and Jennifer P. Schneider, M.D., PhD. 
 
If, When, and How Much to Disclose
 
It is safe to say that all disclosures are painful and hard for the couple. Yet, most couples (over 90% in our study) report they are glad the disclosure happened. This high approval, and the fact that most couples did not split up after disclosure, led us to think that the couples who had disclosed had a better chance of saving their relationship than those who had not disclosed. 
The reason disclosure is necessary and encouraged by most couples in recovery from infidelity is because shortly after disclosure both individuals feel some relief. When the disclosure is done with integrity, the partner often feels validated that their suspicions were correct and they aren’t crazy. The unfaithful partner feels a sense of freedom from the secret life and relief from the shame. This relief is immediate for some; for others it takes more time. But the reduction of anxiety and stress allows a period of time during which the couple can begin to heal.
 
How Much to Tell
 
Unfortunately, most unfaithful partner’s first attempts at disclosure come when incriminating evidence shows up and then they tell only what they think will generate the least painful immediate consequences. Lying or withholding the truth is a way to avoid pain. 
In our study of unfaithful partners and hurt partners who had experienced disclosure (Schneider, et al., 1998), unfaithful partners reported that disclosure brought relief, ended denial, and proved to be the gateway to recovery for the individual and the relationship. But it was not all positive. Disclosure also brought shame to the unfaithful partner, pain to the hurt partner, and fears about loss of the relationship for both.
Hurt partners often begin by demanding complete disclosure, which is a way for them to make sense of the past, to validate their suspicions and the reality they had experienced that had often been denied by the unfaithful partner. They long to have a sense of control of the situation, to assess their risk of having been exposed to financial disaster, violence, and diseases. They want to evaluate the commitment of their unfaithful partner to the future of the relationship.
One can never be 100% sure where disclosure will lead. Nonetheless, people insist that disclosure is the best way to find healing.
 
Reveal All Now, or Save the Worst for Later: The Pain of Staggered Disclosure
 
It is tempting for a partner to attempt damage control by initially revealing only some of what they did. Often, only the least damaging information is revealed, or else only those activities that the person believes their partner already knows about. Then, at some future time, the unfaithful partner discloses additional secrets, or the hurt partner learns the whole truth independently. Unfortunately, this strategy turns out to be very short- sighted, and likely to increase the chances of an unfavorable outcome in the long run.
In our survey 59% of unfaithful partners and 70% of hurt partners reported that there had been more than one major disclosure. This was not always because the unfaithful partner had deliberately withheld information. Some unfaithful partners did not initially remember all their actions, especially if their behavior included multiple episodes or different types of activities. In other cases, after some time in reflection the unfaithful partner realized that certain behaviors were sufficiently important that they should have been disclosed. 
The most difficult scenario is when the unfaithful partner claims to be telling the full truth and is then discovered to have withheld the most difficult information. When this happens, partners report greater difficulty in restoring trust.
 
“Should I Tell All the Gory Details?"
 
In our survey, disclosures of various details often turned out to be “devastating” and “traumatic” and left recipients with unpleasant memories and associations that were difficult to ignore. Lara, who persuaded her husband to tell her "everything," regretted it: "I created a lot of pain for myself by asking questions about details and gathering information. I have a lot of negative memories to overcome; this ranges from songs on the radio to dates, places, and situations; there are numerous triggers."
In later recovery, hurt partners typically reported that they recognized that knowledge is not necessarily power, that no matter how much information they had they were still unable to control the partner. Instead, they developed guidelines for themselves about what information they wanted (typically more general information such as health risks, financial consequences affecting them, and level of commitment to recovery and the relationship) and what they did not want (such as details of what the high was like, sexual activities, locations, and numbers of partners).
If you feel you need all the information you can squeeze out of the unfaithful partner, it is usually an attempt to feel safe, believing that if you know everything, you can control the situation and prevent further acting out. Ultimately, you will come to realize that this is not true. Or you may feel that having more answers will empower you and help you recover from the previous imbalance in the relationship (he kept the secrets; he decided how much you should know).
The therapist can assist in sorting out the intent of the disclosure: Moving toward greater intimacy is a positive intent; to obtain ammunition to punish, control, or manipulate the partner is not ultimately helpful.
 
Positive Outcomes of Disclosure
 
In our survey we asked unfaithful partners and hurt partners if they thought disclosure was the right thing to do. We asked them to think both retrospectively about how they felt at the time of the disclosure and how they felt about it when they completed the survey, which was weeks to years afterwards. Thinking back to the time of the disclosure, over 80 percent of the hurt partners and more than 60 percent of the unfaithful partners reported they felt at the time that it was the right thing to do.  But after doing the disclosure, of the hurt partners, 93% felt it had been the right thing to do. And 96% of the unfaithful partners felt disclosure was the right thing to do.  Despite all the pain and loss, enough good had to come out of the process for people to feel so strongly that it was the right thing to do and the majority said they would recommend disclosure to other couples. There was relief of finally gaining clarity about the past, and the recognition by some that living a double life was more destructive than disclosure.  
However, there are intense feelings during this process. Just as the majority recommended disclosure, they also reported that each went through what seemed like the worst nightmare of their lives. During the process, anxiety is usually so high, your mouth is dry; it is hard to gauge what your partner is thinking or feeling—everything important to you is on the line and you know it. Depending on your partner’s response, how you feel afterward varies, but most unfaithful partners feel some immediate relief and believe it is the right thing to do despite some of the negative experiences.
Positive Aspects of Disclosure for Unfaithful Partners and Hurt Partners
Betrayed Partner
  • Clarity about the situation
  • Validation that they are not crazy
  • Hope for the future of the relationship
  • Finally having the information necessary to decide about one's future
Unfaithful Partner
  • Honesty
  • Hope for the future of the relationship
  • A chance for the partner to get to know the unfaithful partner better
  • A new start for the unfaithful partner, whether in the same relationship or not
Adverse Consequences of the Disclosure
Betrayed Partner
Knowing you have been lied to is bound to cause painA worsening of the couple relationship
  • Depression and even suicidal thoughts
  • Attempts to compensate for the pain with acting-out behaviors such as drug use and sex, or constantly checking the unfaithful partner’s phone, email, etc.
  • Loss of self-esteem
  • Decreased ability to concentrate or to function at work
  • Feelings of shame and guilt
  • Distrust of everyone
  • Anger and rage
  • Fear of abandonment
  • Physical illness
  • Lack of sexual desire
Unfaithful Partner
Knowing you have lied repeatedly to the person you love causes guilt and shame
  • Worsening of the couple relationship
  • Guilt and shame
  • Anger and sometimes rage from the partner
  • Loss of trust by the partner
  • Cutting off of the sexual relationship
  • Damage to other relationships, such as with children or friends
  • Legal consequences
  • Loss of job

​
Other unfaithful partners complained that their partner was monitoring their every movement, or constantly reminding them of past transgressions, or withholding sex as punishment. 
 
There is a combination of anger, grief, confusion, pain, fear, and sometimes revulsion. The obsession that invaded your brain takes a new turn. Before, you might have suspected something, but now the obsession turns to worrying about how you missed it, what is wrong with you that this happened, and what will happen in the future.
For the Unfaithful Partner:  Steps to Disclosing with Integrity

  • The following list contains guidelines for disclosure to your partner.  Healthy disclosures should include the following:
    • Potentially needed information regarding his/her, and your children's, physical health and safety (i.e. potential of violence, financial disasters, and diseases)
    • Acting outside your committed vows with either physical, sexual or emotional affairs
    • Acting out with someone that your spouse/partner might know, knows of or will have possible contact with in the future - individual should be identified by name
  • Healthy Disclosures do not necessarily include the following:
    • Information that is irrelevant to your current situation
    • "Gory" details including sexual activities, locations and the number of partners
  • Guidelines for Writing a Disclosure
    • The spouse needs to know that their partner acted out, for what length of time, etc.
    • Information about health issues
    • General information
    • Include time frames when referencing each acting out experience
    • References to partner are in second person (I manipulated YOU when....)
    • Use anatomically correct terms and avoid jargon
    • Use I statements
    • Include sexual acts that didn't involve a sex act (e.g. staring at other women when we were together, flirting etc.)
    • Focus on unfaithful partner's behavior - not the affair partner
    • Name of affair partner is only used when spouse/partner knows the person
    • Omit thoughts and feelings
    • Add details if reference is vague or unclear
    • Include financial information (if there was a lot of money spent, calculate the total amount and include it at the end of the disclosure)
  • Samples:
    • From September 2006 to Feb 2009 I solicited approximately 2 - 3 prostitutes per month and engaged in oral or genital intercourse with them. This cost our family approximately $10,500.
    • From June 2005 - June 2007 I engaged in an emotional affair with your friend Gina. It involved weekly emails, lunch dates and phone calls. This affair was never sexual.  
    • From April 2008 - May 2009 I viewed internet pornography at work. I engaged in this behavior approximately 7 hours per week. It cost our family $50 per month.

For the Hurt Partner:  Steps to Preparing to Hear a Disclosure
 
Once some disclosure has happened at discovery, the hurt partner generally doubts everything, is sure that the unfaithful partner is not being honest, and doesn't want to ever believe the unfaithful partner again for fear of being hurt. That is normal; it will take a while again to believe the unfaithful partner. 
 
It is very important that the hurt partner has a plan for self-care and does some preparation prior to the disclosure. The therapist can help process the following questions. 
  • Many family members go into a disclosure session believing that they already have most of the information about the unfaithful partner’s sexual acting out, and discover that there was a lot of information that they didn't know. How much do you believe that you know about the unfaithful partner's acting out?
  • What will your thoughts, feelings, and responses be if you discover that it is more than you anticipated?
  • What is your worst fear?
  • What aspect of the unfaithful partner's acting out is the most painful for you?
  • If you think about your relationship with the unfaithful partner over time, are there episodes when you felt suspicious that the unfaithful partner may have been acting out?  What were these episodes?  Do you still question them?
  • Are there any sexual behaviors that if discovered would cause you to want to end the relationship?
  • Develop a list of questions that you would like to have answered.
  • What is your plan for self-care the day of the disclosure? What about the weeks following the disclosure? 
    • Meet with a therapist.
    • Select some trusted friends to support you after the disclosure. Do not disclose the unfaithful partner's information to others because you may later regret it. Work with the unfaithful partner to decide who and when to tell people in your family and friendship network.
    • On the night of the disclosure, make a plan for childcare for any small children.
    • Do not drive to the session in the same vehicle, in case you feel like you need some space after the session.
 
It is useful to have a set of questions that you want the unfaithful partner to answer. Here are some examples:
  • Are you committed to working on our relationship and repairing the damage? What does working on the relationship mean you are willing to do?
  • When in our relationship did these activities begin and how long have they been going on?
  • Have you engaged in drug use or sexual activities that may have put me at a health risk? What risky activities did you engage in, and when? 
  • ​Have you been using or sexually involved with any people that I know? If so, with whom?
  • What significant lies have you told me to cover up your activities?
  • Can you think of arguments we had in which you blamed me when the real issue was your acting out?
 
Conclusions
Disclosure of secrets, especially painful secrets involving sexual activity with others, usually precipitates a crisis in the couple's relationship and an initial worsening of the relationship. Both partners experience a series of adverse consequences. 
The good news, as we learned from many couples that have been through this process, is that most people who threaten to leave don't do so. Even when the couple does separate, the chances are good that they will reunite if each is committed to their individual recovery. Disclosure can lay the groundwork for a new relationship, based on honesty and greater intimacy.

Disclosure Worksheet for the Unfaithful Partner

My goal is to be accountable for what I have done to hurt you.   My intent is to be totally honest. You deserve the truth so you can make an informed decision about the future. 

  • A detailed account of the situation
    • I betrayed you by (brief description) during our marriage.  
    • I lied to you about the behaviors.
    • I may have exposed you to health risks (if applicable).
    • I have not intentionally left anything out and I have not lied about what I'm going to tell you.
    • If I don’t remember details, it is not because I’m trying to hide something.  I truly may not remember.  I have done my best to recall as much as possible for this disclosure.  If I remember something later I will tell you.
    • If you have questions about anything I tell you, I’m willing to answer whatever you want to know. 
    • If you need me to take a polygraph to rebuild trust, I will do that but I also want to assure you that I will pass a polygraph test.
READ DISCLOSURE AND ANSWER QUESTIONS
  • ​Acknowledgement of the hurt or damage done
    • I’m truly sorry for the pain I have caused you. 
    • My secret life has caused you to doubt if I am really the person you thought I was.
    • I knew that if I got caught doing what I was doing that it would hurt you and I did it anyway.
  • Taking responsibility for the situation (trauma, lack of trust)
    • I have created the crisis that we are in.
    • I understand that I have traumatized you. 
    • I realize that because I have lied, that you don’t trust me and may have difficulty believing anything I tell you.
    • I led you to believe that you were crazy, wanting to trust me but knowing something was not right.
  • Recognition of your role in the event
    • I am fully responsible for my actions.
    • No matter what was going on between us, you are in no way responsible for what I did.  
    • There is no excuse for what I did.  (This is not the time to talk about why you did it because any reason could have been addressed to prevent the behavior.)
    • You don’t deserve the pain I have caused.
  • A statement of regret
    • I deeply regret the choice I made to betray you.
    • I wish I could turn the clock back.
  • A form of restitution whenever possible to be agreed upon by the couple. 
    • I will develop a plan with you to help ensure that this does not happen again.  Examples
    • I will put filters on my computer and cell phone.
    • I will give you full access to all my passwords.
    • I will close all email accounts that I used to act out.
    • I will learn how to support you when you are triggered by the trauma that I have caused.
    • I will do what I need to do to earn back your trust and understand that it will take time.
  • Asking for forgiveness
    • I hope in time that you will be able to forgive me but I know that will take time and that I need to earn that forgiveness.
    • I will not demand or expect forgiveness as a condition for doing what I need to do to grow and repair the damage that I’ve caused.
  • A promise that it won't happen again
    • I promise to commit to total honesty.  
    • I promise not to engage in (name behavior) ever again.
HOW TO REPAIR
Be specific about what you are apologizing for.
Acknowledge that what you did hurt your partner.
Apologize unreservedly and quickly.  The longer you wait, the deeper the hurt will be.
Your partner needs to know that you understand how they feel and that you are sorry for making them feel that way.  
An apology has to reflect your true concern for the other person and sorrow and remorse for your actions.
Look your partner in the eye.  Take an open stance.  Speak calmly.  Listen.  Take your time.
Put yourself in your partner’s position.  How did your actions make them feel?   Empathize.  Let them know you understand.
Stay focused on feelings of your partner without overshadowing them with your own pain and remorse.
Understand that your apology may not be accepted.
Do not ask for forgiveness.  They may not be ready.  The best chance you have to be forgiven is to apologize well.
It takes strength of character to own your actions and the consequences of them, both for others and yourself.
 
HOW NOT TO REPAIR
Don’t defend or minimize what you did.  
Don’t debate who hurt whom first or worst.  
Don’t insist that you didn’t do anything wrong or that you didn’t mean to do it. 
Don’t apologize to silence your partner or as a way to quickly end conflict. 
Don’t explain why you did what you did in place of an apology. 
It’s not about alleviating your feelings of guilt.
 
No “if’s” or “but’s.”
I’m sorry if I offended you. (I’m sorry that I offended you)
I’m sorry you feel that way. (I’m sorry I made you feel that way)
I’m sorry, but you provoked me.
I’m sorry, but you’re way too sensitive.
I’m sorry, but you also did/do the same thing.
I’m sorry for how I talked to you, but what I said is still true.
I’m sorry, but it wasn’t that big of a deal.
I said I’m sorry 10 times so why are you still bringing this up?

Restore Equilibrium

Disruption in individual functioning
  • Physical functioning: Sleep, exercise and eating habits can change after betrayal.  Some begin or increase use of alcohol or drugs to cope with distress.
  • Social functioning: Because of feelings of depression or shame, some withdraw from friendships and other social interactions, leaving them more isolated. Or some may seek out maladaptive social support such as flirting or behaving inappropriately to prove that they are still attractive to others.
  • Spiritual functioning: Partners may withdraw from religious activities.
 
Disruption in relationship functioning
  • Daily tasks that are integral to helping the partners, their relationship, and the broader family system function at an optimal level
  • Companionship activities such as going to movies, attending kids’ events and having casual conversations
  • Intimate activities such as expressions of affection, support, and love, sleeping in the same bed, disrobing in front of the other person, sexual interactions.
 
Accountability contract (Paula Hall, Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples and Those Who Help Them)
  • Technology use 
    • Television and anything linked to the internet
    • Filtering software
    • Share all passwords
    • Open technology and nothing is deleted
    • Phone use agreement
  • Finance
    • All bank accounts accessible to both partners
    • Agree on maximum cash withdrawals
    • No purchases above a certain amount without agreement
  • Social events
    • Plan ahead and know who is going to be there
    • Agree on an exit strategy if either of you are not coping well
    • Make an alcohol consumption agreement
  • Alone time
    • When partners are alone, plan ahead on who will be where, when and doing what
  • Work
    • Access to work calendar and regular contact during the day
    • Negotiate work travel activities

​ Check-in agreements (Paula Hall, Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples and Those Who Help Them)
  • Ensures that time is made to talk about what’s happened
  • Ensures there is time when you won’t be talking about it
  • Alleviates insecurity and second guessing
  • Provides a framework for sharing essential information
  • Max 30 minutes unless agreed to go longer
    • Practical check-in
      • What are you doing to help yourself?
      • Discuss any issues with accountability contract
      • What is working? What isn’t working?
    • Emotional check-in
      • Share your feelings and be curious about partner’s feelings
      • Take turns sharing and listening
 
Flashbacks and re-experiencing the trauma
  • Could bring up anger for the betrayed partner and shame for the unfaithful partner.
  • Opportunity for rebuilding trust.
  • Betrayed partner expresses feelings and links to the triggered memory.
  • Unfaithful partner is curious and empathetic about their experience and repairs.
  • Make specific agreements as to what is needed for each trigger or discuss at the time of the trigger what would be most helpful.
  • Determine if there are things that can be done to reduce specific triggers.

Address Emotional Upheaval

“Fighting is a deadlocked exchange in which each party feels too unheard to listen, too misunderstood to understand, and too stung by what the other has just said to do anything other than sting back.” 
​Daniel B. Wile, Ph.D.
The Betrayal Fight
​Mira Kirshenbaum, I Love You But I Don’t Trust You
Unfaithful partner
You feel you’ll win if you try to convince your partner of how unreliable they are.  You’ll soon be talking to your partner as if you thought they were completely evil.
You will feel you’ll win if you can convince your partner how anxious they are. You’ll be talking to your partner as if you thought they were completely insane.
Betrayed partner
“I thought I could trust you and now I can’t.  In fact, I can’t trust you for anything.  You are a cheater and a liar. This is a big deal!”
I know I screwed up but I don’t think I’m a screw up. I said I was sorry.  When are you going let this go?  Stop making this a big deal!
Safety vs Trust
​There are two parts of us. There’s a trust-hungry part and there’s a betrayal-vulnerable part.
  • We are wired to trust. If we don’t have a reason not to trust, then we will trust. Even in betrayal a part of us will still want to trust.
  • When the betrayal-vulnerable part gets triggered it gives us reason not to trust and then wreaks havoc trying to seek safety.
  • For trust to heal quickly, nothing should trigger the betrayal-vulnerable part of us, but that is impossible.
  • Anger is a natural protective part that shows up to help us feel safe. Mistrust can heal – it’s the anger that prevents it from healing.
  • The reactive things we do to make us feel safe will work, if our only goal is to put up a wall that we can live behind. But it won’t restore trust and repair the relationship.
  • Our safety needs want certainty that we will not be hurt again. But trust is a feeling based on evidence, not on certainty, because we can never have certainty.
Rebuild Trust AND Feel Safe
  • You can only regain trust if you let go of some of your need for safety. It can be more than a little scary. It requires taking some risks and carefully, slowly, focusing less on safety.
  • In order for the betrayed partner to be willing to take that risk, the unfaithful partner needs to provide evidence they are trustworthy by offering understanding and repair when triggers occur. This is what rebuilds trust and calms emotional upheaval.

STAGE 2 - MEANING

 Create a Formulation of How the Betrayal Occurred
  • Seeking more coherent narratives and context for why the betrayal happened
  • More thorough narrative helps injured partner reevaluate and reconstruct their disrupted beliefs about their relationship and help both partners develop a more balanced view of each other.
  • Knowing why can help prevent future betrayal
  • New understanding might help the betrayed partner to have more empathy and compassion for the unfaithful partner
  • Provide a road map for recovering trust and intimacy.
  • Reestablish security
Help the Couple To Examine Contributing Factors
  • Review the history of the addiction
  • Acquire a more balanced view of the unfaithful partner that promotes understanding of how they could do such a hurtful thing
  • Develop a shared understanding of the betrayal is central to gaining a new set of assumptions
Examine Relationship, Individual and Outside Factors
  • Develop and implement individual and relationship changes to reduce factors that undermine the relationship
  • Focus shifts from the past to the present and future
Emotional Impact/Restitution
Betrayed Partner
Emotional Impact
Share the impact of deception, infidelity and disclosure
After emotions have stabilized
Focus on your own thoughts and feelings without blame or judgment
Unfaithful Partner
Emotional Restitution
Seek understanding
​Validate feelings and experience
Express empathy
Own your behaviors
Classifications of sex addiction
Paula Hall, Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples and Those Who Help Them
Opportunity Induced
Developing self control
Managing difficult feelings
Secrets and shame
Poor sex education
Adolescent loneliness
Attachment Induced
Turns to addiction for comfort rather than to a person
Soothing relational pain
Difficulties in adult relationships
Trauma Induced
Sex becomes a way of coping with emotional and physical pain
May replicate the initial trauma
Addiction Explanation/Acknowledgment
Paula Hall, Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples and Those Who Help Them
Betrayed Partner
Addiction Explanation
  • Exposure to pornography
  • Impact of childhood on attachment
  • Childhood abuse or neglect
  • Shame experiences
  • Progression of compulsive sexual behavior
  • Triggers to acting out
  • Inner conflict in acting out during the relationship
Unfaithful Partner
Addiction Acknowledgment
  • ​Seek understanding
  • Validate feelings and experience
  • Express empathy
  • Acknowledge any areas where you contributed to your partner’s negative feelings such as communication, not fully present, too controlling, etc.

EXPLORE THE RELATIONSHIP

Frequent or intense conflict
  • Frequent conflicts, nit-picking, or unresolved tensions
  • Escalation of misunderstandings into major arguments
  • Disagreements lasting for long periods of time without resolution
Common sources of conflict
  • Money, Time, Mess, Sex, Kids
  • Relationship/family boundaries (how much time to spend alone, with each other, children, family, friends)
  • Opportunities and responsibilities (work in and outside the home)
  • Differences in preferences or values
  • Differences in personal style
Ineffective strategies for managing conflict
  • Excessive anger or emotional detachment
  • Differences in emotional and cognitive style
  • Differences in timing
  • Efforts to win; insisting on being right or winning an argument
 Feeling emotionally disconnected
  • Difficulty in sharing emotional experiences or feeling understood
  • Differences in attachment style
  • Not working together as a team
  • Not sharing visions or dreams for the future
  • Not setting aside enough time to play together
Feeling physically disconnected
  • Insufficient touches, hugs, or other nonsexual physical closeness
  • Differences in level of sexual desire
  • Low frequency of lovemaking
  • Dissatisfaction with quality of sexual intimacy
  • Difficulties in talking about sex
  • Barriers to sexual intimacy
Dissatisfaction with respective roles
  • Unhappiness with responsibilities related to work outside the home
  • Dissatisfaction with roles in the home as a partner
  • Unhappiness with roles as a parent
The relationship from a larger perspective
  • What initially attracted you to each other?
  • Why did you marry or make a long-term commitment?
  • How have you both helped each other grow as individuals?
  • How have you brought out the best or the worst in each other?
  • How has your relationship grown to accommodate new or difficult challenges?
  • What are your best achievements as a couple?
  • What would you miss most if you ended the relationship?
  • What have been the most difficult times you have faced together in the past?
  • How did you get through those times?
  • In what ways did it make you stronger or leave you feeling hurt?
  • How have you reconnected in the past after feeling hurt?
  • Has your partner been truthful in the past before this betrayal?
  • Before this betrayal, was there more good in the relationship than bad?

STAGE 3 - MOVING ON

Address Forgiveness

  • Couples who move on after betrayal achieve four goals:
    1. They gain a balanced view of the partner and their relationship.
    2. They commit not to let their hurt or anger rule their thoughts and behavior toward the partner or dominate their lives.
    3. They voluntarily give up the right to continue punishing the partner for his or her actions or demanding further restitution.
    4. They decide whether to continue in the relationship based on a realistic assessment of both its positive and negative qualities.

Barriers to Moving On

  • Continued hurtful actions or inactions of your partner
  • Incorrect beliefs about forgiveness
  • Fear of being hurt again
  • Trust requires acting on faith based on evidence without knowing for sure
  • Reluctance to give up status as the injured partner
“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past.
Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”
Anne Lamott

False Beliefs About Forgiveness

  • I need to forgive someone who apologizes.
  • Forgiving someone means excusing what they did or saying what happened is okay.
  • Forgiving someone for hurtful or wrong actions requires compromising my own values about what is right.
  • Some behaviors (for example, affairs or violence) shouldn’t be forgiven.
  • To forgive someone means no longer thinking about what they did.
  • Forgiving someone means leaving myself open to being hurt again.
  • If I forgive someone, I need to stay in a relationship with that person.

Blocks to Forgiveness

Paula Hall, Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples and Those Who Help Them
BETRAYED PARTNER
Wanting safety - they fear that if they stop hurting and act normal that their partner will betray them again
Wanting justice - what happened wasn’t fair, they stay in the victim position
Wanting control - control is a safety seeking behavior to continue to protect from hurt
Wanting the moral high ground - refusing to forgive allows them to demonstrate they are better than their partner
UNFAITHFUL PARTNER
Wanting to feel bad - shame prevents them from being able to forgive themselves because they don’t deserve to feel better about themselves
Wanting sobriety – believing that staying in shame will help them stay sober fearing that if they forgive themselves they will forget the pain they caused.
Wanting sympathy – if they stay in shame, their partner will feel sorry for them and be more compassionate and forgiving
Wanting security – holding resentment for how their partner treated them after discovery. Not forgiving yourself feels like a way to protect you from this negative behavior.
 ​

True Forgiveness

Forgiveness isn’t
Approving or excusing what they have done
Forgetting about the offense or no longer hurting.
An immediate or one-time event
Forgiveness is
A process
A decision not to be dominated by negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors that stand between the two of you

Steps to Moving On

  • Recognition:
    • The unfaithful partner develops and expresses a clear understanding of the betrayal and its consequences.
  • Responsibility:
    • The unfaithful partner takes full responsibility for decisions and choices related to the affair.
  • Remorse:
    • The unfaithful partner expresses genuine feelings of deep sadness, mourning, or even pain from the hurt they have caused.
  • Restitution:
    • The unfaithful partner engages in positive actions intended to reduce the hurt and related negative consequences from their actions.
  • Reform: 
    • The unfaithful partner provides reassurance and a commitment to the betrayed partner by:
    • Pledging not to hurt them in the same way again
    • Addressing conditions that contributed to the betrayal
    • Acting differently when confronted with similar situations in the future
  • Release:
    • The betrayed partner commits to a process of “letting go” or moving on, giving up the right to continue punishing their partner for the betrayal or demanding further restitution.
  • Reconciliation:
    • Both partners commit to rebuilding a relationship based on mutual trust and caring.