Secure Functioning Principles

  1. We protect the safety and security of our relationship at all times.
  2. We never threaten the existence of our relationship.
  3. We protect each other in public and in private from harmful behaviors, including our own.
  4. We jealously protect our primacy as partners from third things, third tasks, and third people that threaten our safety and security.
  5. We base our relationship on collaboration and cooperation, remembering that all decisions and actions must serve both a personal AND mutual good.
  6. We share power; we are both bosses.
  7. We are in each other's care.
  8. We do nothing without the other in mind.
  9. We take care of each other at the same time.
  10. We master the ways of seduction, influence, and persuasion, and avoid the use of fear or threat.
  11. We are fully transparent with each other and tell each other everything.
  12. We are the go-to persons for all matters, making certain we are both the first to know—not second, third, or fourth—in all matters of importance.
  13. If one of is in distress, we drop what we’re doing and minister to that partner.
  14. We correct all perceived errors, including injustices and injuries, at once or as soon as possible, and without stated excuses, intentions, or explanations.
  15. We always greet each other with good cheer.
  16. We put each other to bed each night and greet each other in the morning.
  17. We gaze lovingly upon our partner daily and make frequent and meaningful gestures of appreciation, admiration, and gratitude.
  18. ​We strive to become experts on each other.
✅ ​We protect the safety and security of our relationship at all times

At its core, this principle is about mutual responsibility and prioritization of the relationship as a shared entity. It's not just about protecting your own feelings or interests, but about acting as custodians of the relationship — that both partners tend and protect.
Tatkin often frames this as "The couple bubble" — a mutual agreement that both people will operate in a way that preserves felt safety, trust, and emotional security for each other at all times.

Why Is This Important? (Neuroscience & Attachment)
  1. Our brains are wired for safety. When we feel unsafe in a relationship — emotionally or physically — we shift into fight, flight, or freeze responses.
  2. Insecure attachment dynamics (e.g., anxious or avoidant styles) can lead to unpredictability, ruptures, and chronic dysregulation.
  3. When a relationship provides predictable safety, our nervous systems calm down, allowing for better communication, sex, creativity, and overall well-being.

What It Looks Like in Practice
Protective Behaviors (Examples):
  • Repair quickly after a rupture (no stonewalling or ghosting).
  • Avoid threats to the relationship, like flirting with others, secrecy, or playing "devil's advocate" in emotionally charged moments.
  • Maintain transparency around things that could trigger insecurity (e.g., travel, finances, past partners).
  • Regulate your own emotions so that your reactions don’t become dangerous or destabilizing to your partner.
  • Advocate for your partner in public and private. No throwing them under the bus, even as a joke.
  • Make decisions as a team — if something affects the relationship, both people get a say.
❌ Insecure Functioning (Opposite Behaviors):
  • Acting unilaterally (“I do what I want, you deal with it”).
  • Prioritizing individual needs or outside relationships at the expense of the couple.
  • Withholding information or using information as power.
  • Leaving the relationship vulnerable in moments of anger (e.g., “Maybe I should just leave”).

It’s a Mutual Pact, Not a One-Way Street
Tatkin emphasizes that secure functioning only works if both people are committed. This is not about one person being the protector or regulator of the relationship. It’s a two-person psychological system, in which:
  • Both people are equally responsible for protecting the “couple bubble.”
  • Each partner takes the other into account when making decisions.
  • There is an understanding that what’s bad for you is bad for me, and what’s good for you is good for me.

How to Apply It (Practically)
  • Make agreements explicitly: “If either of us is upset, we agree to stay connected and repair quickly — we don’t go to bed angry.”
  • Pre-decide how to handle stress/conflict: Have a shared game plan when emotions run high (e.g., “We take a break, then circle back within 20 minutes”).
  • Use language that signals safety: “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. We’re in this together.”
  • Regular check-ins: Ask, “Are we good?” “Is there anything that feels off between us?” — and respond with curiosity, not defensiveness.
  • Treat the relationship as sacred: That means protecting it even when angry, scared, or tempted.

Final Thought
Tatkin's model challenges the cultural idea of “me first” or “you’re responsible for your own happiness.” Instead, it invites couples to think like co-regulators and mutual protectors — a mindset that increases trust, emotional resilience, and long-term relational stability.
✅ ​We never threaten the existence of our relationship.

Core Concept
Tatkin teaches that safety and security are prerequisites for intimacy, vulnerability, and growth. If the relationship is constantly at risk, no one can relax into it, trust it, or invest in it wholeheartedly.
This principle says:
  • The relationship is never on the table.
  • We don’t weaponize leaving, divorce, or breaking up — even in anger or pain.
  • We operate from an assumption that we are in this together — and will work through difficulty, not threaten to escape it.

Why This Matters (Psychology + Attachment)
  • Threats create chronic insecurity.
    • When one person says “Maybe we should just break up” — even in passing — the nervous system of the other partner goes into survival mode. Repeated threats fracture the foundation of trust and emotional safety.
  • Insecure attachments are marked by unpredictability.
    • If a partner doesn’t know whether you’ll stay or go, they can’t co-regulate with you. They can’t be vulnerable. They can't even disagree safely.
  • Attachment systems need stability to grow.
    • If your partner constantly fears abandonment or rejection, even subtle ones, their system stays activated — hypervigilant, anxious, or shut down. The relationship becomes a threat, not a refuge.

❌ What This Isn’t
  • It’s not “We never leave each other no matter what.”
    • (That would deny abuse, betrayal, or true incompatibility.)
  • It’s not pretending everything is fine.
    • It’s how you talk about what’s not fine — without using exit threats.
  • It’s not a gag order.
    • It’s an agreement to bring up issues from within the safety of commitment, not as a way to test or punish.

What Violates This Principle
  • “If you don’t change, I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
  • “Maybe we made a mistake getting married.”
  • “I should’ve never stayed with you.”
  • “I’m done” (without follow-up repair or grounding)
  • Stonewalling and disappearing without explanation
Even if unspoken, the threat of abandonment creates a rift. Tatkin says this is relationship terrorism — because it destabilizes the couple bond just to gain leverage.

What It Looks Like in PracticeDuring Conflict:Instead of:
“I don’t know if I want to do this anymore.” Try:
  • “I’m angry and hurt right now, and I need space to process. But I’m not going anywhere — I just need us to slow down and reconnect later.”
  • During Disconnection:“Even though we’re struggling, I want you to know I’m still committed to us. Let’s work this through together.”
  • If You Do Have Doubts:Being honest doesn't mean threatening:
  • “I’m feeling overwhelmed and confused. Can we make time to talk about what’s going on for both of us, from a place of care?”

How This Builds Secure Functioning
This principle:
  • Protects the couple bubble — preserving the idea that "we" are a team even in hard times.
  • Allows both partners to bring up conflict safely — knowing the relationship won't be destroyed for it.
  • Creates long-term reliability — the knowledge that we don't use fear, distance, or ambiguity as a weapon.
Tatkin says secure couples fight hard, but never dirty — and threats are dirty fighting.

This principle is a line in the sand:
“We will never use the destruction of the relationship as a tool for power, punishment, or escape.”

Final Thought
Threats destroy the very thing they’re trying to fix. Real strength says:
“I’m furious, I’m scared, I feel alone — and I still choose us.”
✅ ​We protect each other in public and in private from harmful behaviors, including our own

​Core MeaningThis principle says:
  • We actively defend each other’s dignity and safety — not only from outsiders, but also from ourselves.
  • We do not allow our own reactivity, shame, or defensiveness to become weapons.
  • We step in to stop harm — even when we’re the ones causing it.
In Tatkin’s words:
“Your partner is your shelter from the world — not a source of threat.”

What This Looks Like in Practice
Protecting Your Partner in Public
  • Not allowing others (family, friends, coworkers) to criticize, mock, or shame them in your presence.
  • Speaking up if your partner is being dismissed or undermined — even subtly.
  • Never joining in on “partner-bashing” conversations.
  • Never exposing your partner’s vulnerabilities or mistakes as a joke or a story.
Example:
“I know we joke, but I’m not comfortable laughing about her like that. She’s not here to speak for herself — and she deserves respect.”

Protecting Your Partner in Private
  • Not humiliating, degrading, or name-calling in arguments.
  • Owning your own capacity to cause harm — even unintentionally — and committing to stop and repair.
  • Interrupting yourself when you notice you’re escalating:
    • “I can feel myself getting mean. I need to pause so I don’t hurt you.”
  • Holding boundaries around your behavior — especially if trauma, addiction, or unhealed parts are driving you toward damaging patterns.

❌ What Violates This Principle
  • Criticizing your partner in front of others, even subtly (eye rolls, sarcasm, “teasing”).
  • Failing to defend them when others attack or shame them.
  • Using private knowledge (insecurities, trauma, past mistakes) to wound them in arguments.
  • Blaming your reactivity on them (“You made me act like this”).
  • Staying silent while others ridicule or mistreat them.

Why This Principle Is Crucial (Attachment + Neurobiology)
  • Safety is the foundation of attachment.When your partner experiences you as unpredictable, shaming, or unsafe — especially in their most vulnerable moments — their nervous system moves out of connection and into self-protection.
  • Intimacy without protection is trauma.If someone opens themselves emotionally, sexually, or psychologically, and gets hurt in return, it’s not just painful — it’s wounding.
  • Secure-functioning means taking radical responsibility.
Tatkin often says:
“You are responsible for your partner’s sense of safety with you.”
This is not co-dependence. It’s healthy interdependence.

How to Practice This Principle
  • Create a Shared Agreement
    • ​“Let’s agree: We don’t use each other’s vulnerabilities against each other — not in public, not in private, not ever.”
  • Pause and Check Yourself
    • Ask: “Will this make my partner feel safer or more attacked?”
    • Learn to stop mid-pattern: “I’m getting defensive, but I don’t want to go down that road.”
  • Repair When You Miss the Mark
    • ​“I spoke harshly in front of your sister. That wasn’t okay. You deserve protection from me — always.”

Final ThoughtReal love doesn’t mean never making mistakes. It means:
“Even in anger, I remember who you are to me — and I protect you.”
✅ ​We jealously protect our primacy as partners from third things, third tasks, and third people that threaten our safety and security.

This principle isn’t about possessiveness or exclusion — it’s about fierce mutual protection of the couple bond against forces that compete with or destabilize it. Let's unpack what this means and how it's practiced.

Core Meaning
"Jealously protect" doesn't refer to insecurity or controlling behavior — it means both partners actively prioritize the relationship as sacred.
Your relationship is your primary attachment bond — and any “third” (external person, activity, belief system, job, hobby, substance, device, etc.) that consistently competes with that primacy must be named, discussed, and contained.
You don’t let anything come between you — literally or figuratively.

What Are “Thirds”?
Tatkin refers to anything outside the couple system that can wedge itself inside. Some examples:
  • Third People
    • Exes, friends, coworkers, children, parents
    • Therapists (yes, even therapists)
    • Crushes, “work spouses,” secret admirers
    • Anyone who threatens the attachment system
  • Third Tasks
    • Workaholism
    • Parenting without partnering
    • Overcommitment to causes, projects, volunteer work
  • Third Things
    • Phones, video games, social media
    • Alcohol, drugs, pornography
    • Religion, fitness obsessions, even therapy if misused
The issue isn’t that these are bad — it’s that they can become primary, displacing the relationship from the center.

Why This Principle Matters
  • The couple bubble is fragile if left unguarded.If you don't intentionally protect your bond, other forces will pull you apart — not maliciously, but inevitably.
  • Human attachment needs exclusivity and predictability.If your partner turns to someone or something else first — when sad, excited, or in need — you become second. That erodes trust and belonging.
  • Many betrayals begin as unprotected thirds.Most affairs, addictions, and emotional exits begin not with evil intent, but with neglect of this principle. The third grows in secrecy and significance because the couple isn’t protecting their primacy.

What This Looks Like in Practice
  • Verbal Affirmation:
    • “You are my person. Nothing comes before this bond. If anything threatens us, I’ll address it with you first.”
  • Behavioral Boundaries:
    • Turning off phones during couple time
    • Defining limits with exes, coworkers, or even parents
    • Addressing “secret” activities or emotional affairs early
  • Team Agreements:
    • "We tell each other about emotionally significant interactions with others."
    • "If either of us feels displaced by a third, we talk — not accuse, not hide."

❌ What Violates This Principle
  • “It’s just work, stop being so sensitive.”
  • “You’re jealous for no reason. I’m not doing anything wrong.”
  • “My mom needs me right now. You can handle this on your own.”
  • “Why should I have to give up texting her? We’re just friends.”
Even when nothing technically inappropriate is happening, if your partner feels like a third wheel in your life, the couple bubble is broken.

Secure Functioning Response to Thirds
“If something — or someone — is pulling my attention, affection, or loyalty away from you, and you feel that, I will take it seriously. Even if I don’t see it the same way at first, your safety with me matters more than my ego or independence.”
Tatkin calls this “taking each other’s pain seriously” — it’s a requirement for safety.

Final Thought
This principle is not about control — it’s about prioritization.
If you're both secure-functioning, the question isn't, "Can I get away with this?" but rather:
"Does this serve both of us — or is it coming between us?"​
✅ ​We base our relationship on collaboration and cooperation, remembering that all decisions and actions must serve both a personal AND mutual good.

What This Principle Means
Tatkin is clear: a secure-functioning couple doesn’t operate like two separate individuals negotiating territory — they operate as a two-person system, governed by principles, agreements, and mutual benefit.
This principle means:
  • No unilateral decisions that impact the relationship.
  • All actions are vetted for how they serve both partners and the bond itself.
  • Power is shared, not hoarded.
  • Decisions are made not by dominance or appeasement, but by collaboration — aiming for a win-win.
“If it’s bad for you, it’s bad for me.
If it’s good for you, it has to also be good for us.”

What This Requires
  • Mutual Regard
    • You don't just advocate for your needs — you equally advocate for your partner’s, even when those needs differ. There's an assumed goodwill: “We’re on the same team.”
  • Shared Authority
    • There’s no “one person in charge” — emotionally, financially, sexually, or logistically. All areas of life are approached as shared domains, not individually owned territories.
  • Third Entity Thinking
    • Tatkin often refers to “the couple bubble” — a concept where you both protect the relationship as its own entity. Every decision gets run through two filters:
      • Does this work for me?
      • Does this work for us?
      • If either answer is no, the conversation isn’t over. You go back to the table — together.

What It Looks Like in Practice
  • Shared Decision-Making
    • “Before I commit to this trip, I want to talk through what it means for both of us.”
    • “I’m leaning toward taking the promotion — can we weigh how it would impact our time, stress, and goals?”
    • “You want more alone time. I want more connection. Let’s figure out something that gives both of us what we need.”
  • Relationship as a Shared Project
    • You’re not just pursuing individual goals — you’re also building something together (the relationship).
    • Every major choice (money, family, time, intimacy, repair) is made with us-ness in mind.

❌ What This Principle Is Not
  • It’s not compromise by sacrifice, where one person consistently gives in to avoid conflict.
  • It’s not codependency, where individuality is erased.
  • It’s not scorekeeping, where fairness is calculated rigidly.
Tatkin’s model rejects both rigid independence and enmeshed fusion. It’s about interdependence — where two whole people make choices that benefit the system, not just themselves.

What It Looks Like in Real Life
  • Big Decisions
    • Wrong approach: “I accepted a new job in another city — I hope you’ll support it.”
    • Secure-functioning: “I’ve been offered a job that could be great for me. But I won’t consider it unless we both feel good about how it would impact us. Let’s talk through what it would mean for both of us.”
  • Daily Logistics
    • Wrong approach: “I booked a trip for us — hope you’re free that weekend.”
    • Secure-functioning: “I’d love to plan a trip together. Want to look at dates and options that work for both of us?”
  • Conflict Repair
    • Wrong approach: “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m over it.”
    • Secure-functioning: “I want to be done with this too, but not until we both feel okay again. What would help you feel settled?”

Guiding Questions for Collaboration
  • “How can we make this decision in a way that feels good to both of us?”
  • “Is there a version of this plan that honors what we both need?”
  • “If this only serves me (or you), what would it take to bring balance?”
  • “Are we solving this for our relationship or just for one of us?”
Why This Matters (Neuroscience + Attachment)
  • The brain needs predictability and fairness in relationships. Unilateral or self-centered behavior creates uncertainty, threat, and resentment.
  • Attachment security increases when partners know:
    • “You won’t just do what’s best for you — you’ll do what’s best for us.”
  • Cooperation activates the social engagement system (ventral vagal) — promoting trust, calm, and connection.

Sample Agreements or Scripts
Collaborative Language:
  • “Let’s slow this down so we can both feel good about the decision.”
  • “What would make this feel fair and good for both of us?”
Conflict Repair:
  • “I realize I made that decision without thinking about how it might affect you or us. Can we circle back and do this together?”

Final Thought
Collaboration isn’t always easy. But in secure functioning, it’s the default — not because it’s efficient, but because it’s sacred.
“We don’t move forward until we both feel good about the direction.”
✅ ​We share power; we are both bosses.

What This Principle MeansIn a secure-functioning relationship:
  • There is no dominant partner and no subordinate.
  • Each person has equal authority, equal voice, and equal responsibility for the well-being of the relationship.
  • Power is never used over the other — only with the other.
Tatkin calls this a two-person psychological system: both partners function as co-regulators, co-decision-makers, and co-leaders of their shared life.

Why Shared Power Is Critical
  • Unequal power breeds resentment and insecurity.
    • If one person dominates emotionally, sexually, financially, or logistically, it erodes trust and creates an unbalanced dynamic where one partner may feel controlled, dismissed, or infantilized.
  • Shared power creates fairness — and fairness creates safety.
    • The brain is exquisitely attuned to fairness. When power is shared, both partners feel respected and seen, which calms the nervous system and reduces conflict.
  • Secure-functioning is mutual, not unilateral.
    • You don’t get to say “we’re fine” unless both of you say you’re fine. Shared power ensures that both realities matter equally.

​❌ What It Is Not
  • It’s not 50/50 every moment. It’s about equal authority, not equal tasks. One partner may cook more; the other may manage finances. But neither partner has more say or more entitlement in the relationship.
  • It’s not “taking turns being in charge.” Secure-functioning isn’t a rotating monarchy — it’s co-ownership.
  • It’s not dominance disguised as leadership. If one partner says, “Trust me, I know what’s best for both of us,” and shuts the other down — that’s not shared power.

What It Looks Like in Real Life
  • Shared Power in Action:
    • Decisions about money, parenting, sex, and time are made together — not “approved” by one person.
    • Both partners feel they can influence outcomes — and that their influence is welcome.
    • If either partner feels overruled or disregarded, that’s a rupture that must be repaired.
  • Power Imbalance Warning Signs:
    • “You’re too emotional to talk about this right now.”
    • “I already made the decision.”
    • “I bring in the money, so I get the final say.”
    • “You always overreact, so I just didn’t tell you.”
Tatkin would say: anything that disenfranchises the other partner violates secure-functioning.

Tools for Sharing Power
  • “Two Yeses, One No” Rule
    • If a decision affects both partners, it must be a mutual yes. If one partner says no, the decision is paused — not overridden.
  • Check-ins on influence
    • Ask each other:
    • “Do you feel like you have equal say in our relationship? Where do you feel under-voiced or overburdened?”
  • Collaborative problem-solving
    • Approach conflict as partners against the problem, not adversaries against each other.

Final ThoughtTatkin often says:
“If one person wins and the other loses, the relationship loses.”
Being “co-bosses” means we both matter, always — and neither of us gets to make decisions that don’t include the other.
✅ ​We are in each other’s care

Core Meaning
“We are in each other’s care” means:
  • We don’t leave each other alone in pain, fear, or confusion.
  • We don’t see each other as adversaries — even during conflict.
  • We treat the relationship as a two-person system where each person’s state of being affects the other, and we act accordingly.
  • We assume mutual custodianship — not just for each other’s happiness, but for each other’s nervous system.
Tatkin says:
“We are not responsible for each other’s childhoods, but we are responsible for how we treat those injuries in the present.”

Why It Matters (Attachment + Brain Science)
  • Attachment isn’t about independence — it’s about co-regulation.Human brains are wired to feel safe through attuned connection — not solo coping. If your partner is anxious, hurt, or flooded, it is your business.
  • We impact each other whether we want to or not.The myth of “you take care of you, I’ll take care of me” doesn't work in intimate bonds. If one partner is in pain and the other doesn’t respond, the system becomes unsafe, even if no “wrongdoing” occurred.
  • Secure functioning is based on reliability and attunement.Your partner can’t thrive if they don’t know whether you’ll show up for them emotionally.

What It Looks Like in Practice
  • In Moments of Distress:
    • “I can see something’s off. I’m here — want to talk or just sit with me?”
    • “You matter more to me than winning this argument. Let’s take care of each other right now.”
  • In Daily Life:
    • “You seemed off after that call — just checking in.”
    • “I know this week is heavy for you. I cleared space so we can decompress together.”
  • In Conflict:
    • “This is hard for both of us. Let’s try to stay close while we work through it.”
    • “I want to take care of you and tell you how I feel — can we do both?”

❌ What Violates This Principle
  • “That’s your issue to deal with.”
  • “You’re overreacting.”
  • “I don’t want to deal with your feelings right now.”
  • Ignoring your partner’s distress or expecting them to regulate alone
These frames break the shared responsibility agreement. Even if no harm was intended, they signal:
“You’re on your own.”
And that’s the opposite of secure attachment.

✨ Final ThoughtThis principle redefines love from a feeling into an action:
“You are not alone in this life. I have you. You have me. We are in each other’s care.”​
✅ ​We do nothing without the other in mind

Core Meaning
  • Every decision, action, or behavior that could affect your partner or the relationship is made with full awareness of their likely experience.
  • You don’t act unilaterally or impulsively in ways that bypass, surprise, or disregard your partner.
  • You take emotional, physical, and relational impacts into account — not later, but from the start.
This isn’t about asking permission — it’s about moving as a team.
Tatkin says:
“You don’t belong to each other, but you do belong with each other. And that means you operate with mutual regard at all times.”

Why It Matters (Attachment, Trust, and Regulation)
  • The brain craves predictability in relationships.When you’re taken into account, your nervous system feels safe. When you're left out or blindsided, your system encodes danger.
  • It builds earned trust.Not because you’re perfect — but because your partner knows:
  • “You are always thinking of how your choices impact us — not just you.”
  • It protects against emotional abandonment.Even minor unilateral decisions (e.g., booking plans without checking in, making big purchases, venting to others about private matters) can signal:
“You’re not my primary person.”
Secure-functioning couples eliminate that ambiguity.

What It Looks Like in Practice
  • Daily Decisions
    • “I was invited to dinner next Friday — let’s check our plans together.”
    • “Before I say yes to this work trip, I want to talk to you about what it might mean for us.”
  • Emotional Awareness
    • “I want to bring something up that might be sensitive. I’ve thought about how it could land for you.”
    • “I shared something personal about you with a friend — I realized afterward I should have asked first. I won’t do that again.”
  • During Conflict or Stress
    • “Even though I’m upset, I’m trying to speak in a way that doesn’t scare or hurt you. I’m keeping you in mind even as I express my needs.”

❌ What Violates This Principle
  • “I didn’t think it mattered — I just went ahead and did it.”
  • “I figured you’d be fine with it.”
  • “I don’t need to ask for your opinion — I’m doing what’s best for me.”
Even if the outcome is harmless, the exclusion is the injury.

Final Thought
“Love isn’t just how you feel. It’s how you take someone into account — moment by moment.”
When you do nothing without the other in mind, your partner doesn’t have to guess where they stand.
They know:
“You see me. You factor me in. I matter.”
✅ ​We take care of each other at the same time

Core Meaning
“We take care of each other at the same time” means:
  • No one has to go last, or sacrifice themselves to keep the peace.
  • You don’t wait your turn for care — you co-create safety in real time.
  • The relationship operates as a two-person psychological system, where both people regulate, attune, and respond to each other simultaneously — especially during moments of distress, conflict, or stress.
Tatkin teaches:
“If it’s bad for one of us, it’s bad for the relationship.”
“If it’s good for the relationship, it must be good for both of us.”

Why It Matters (Attachment + Regulation)
  • Most couples operate on a delay — one partner gets care, the other waits.
    • This creates power struggles, resentment, and misattunement. Secure-functioning couples stay in sync, rather than alternating between caretaker and reactor.
  • Real-time mutual regulation creates emotional safety.
    • When both people work to soothe and support each other simultaneously, it accelerates recovery and deepens trust.
  • This eliminates the victim/persecutor dynamic.
    • Instead of “You hurt me, so you need to fix this,” it becomes: “We got off track — let’s get back together.”

What This Looks Like in Practice
  • During Conflict:
    • “We’re both hurting right now. Let’s slow down and take care of each other before we go further.”
    • “I know you’re upset. I’m upset too. Can we sit together and hold hands while we talk this through?”
  • During Stress:
    • “You’re overwhelmed and I am too. Let’s make tea and figure this out together.”
    • “We don’t need to figure it all out now — we just need to come back into connection.”
  • In Daily Life:
    • “I want to do what you need — and I also need [X]. Let’s find a plan that works for both of us.”
    • “I’m not okay until we’re both okay.”

❌ What Violates This Principle
  • “It’s your turn to take care of me — I did it last time.”
  • “Why do I always have to put your needs first?”
  • “I’ll help you feel better when you stop making me feel bad.”
  • “Let me fix you before we deal with my stuff.”
These frames individualize the distress and delay connection — when what the nervous system wants is co-regulation now.

How to Practice It
  • Learn Your Partner’s Care Language
    • Do they need space and contact?
    • Do they want eye contact, or gentle words?
    • Are there phrases that restore safety quickly?
      • e.g., “I’m here. We’re in this together.”
  • Use the “Let’s Come Back Together” Cue
    • When conflict or misattunement arises, say:
      • “Let’s stop, sit close, and take care of each other first.”
  • Don’t Make One Partner Wait
    • If both are dysregulated, use brief mutual care:
      • “I’m sorry. I know we’re both hurting. Want to sit for one minute and breathe together?”

​Final Thought
Stan Tatkin calls this “the highest form of relational intelligence.”
It’s not always easy — but when practiced well, it creates a bond that is:
  • Safe
  • Fast to recover
  • Resistant to toxic blame
  • Capable of deep healing and intimacy
“I’m not okay unless you’re okay — and we’re both in this, now.”
​✅ ​We master the ways of seduction, influence, and persuasion, and avoid the use of fear or threat

Core Meaning
​Tatkin is clear: secure-functioning relationships do not operate through fear, pressure, guilt, or threat. Instead, partners learn how to:
·       Persuade through curiosity and clarity.
·       Influence through transparency and warmth.
·       Seduce through loving invitation and emotional intelligence.
In other words:
We get what we want by being safe and desirable — not by being scary, punitive, or dominant.

Why It Matters (Attachment, Safety, and Influence)
  • Fear erodes safety.When a partner feels manipulated, coerced, or pressured, the relationship stops being a sanctuary — and becomes a threat. This creates avoidance, reactivity, or compliance-with-resentment.
  • Attachment needs require consent and choice.True connection comes from wanting, not obliging.
  • Tatkin teaches that persuasion is about attunement — knowing how to speak your partner’s language so that they feel seen and safe while being influenced.
  • Intimacy dies under control.Power moves — like stonewalling, shaming, or withdrawal — may get short-term compliance, but they destroy long-term desire, openness, and mutuality.

What It Looks Like in Practice
  • Seduction
    • Making what you want attractive and mutually beneficial
      • “You’ve been working so hard — what if we carved out a night just for us?”
      • “I was thinking about how hot it was the last time we…”
    • Using pleasure and anticipation instead of pressure
      • “You don’t have to decide now — just imagine how good it could feel.”
  • Influence
    • Expressing your needs directly, but with care and timing
      • “I’d love your help thinking this through — your opinion matters to me.”
  • Persuading with mutual benefit
    • “What if we tried it this way, so it works for both of us?”
  • Emotional Intelligence
    • Reading your partner’s mood, stress level, and openness before approaching a sensitive topic
      • “You seem a little tired. Want to talk about this tomorrow when we’re both clearer?”
Listening to your partner’s values, needs, and fears — and incorporating them into your request

❌ What Violates This Principle
  • “If you loved me, you’d do it.”
  • “Do what you want — but don’t expect me to be happy about it.”
  • “Fine. I’ll just do it myself.”
  • Using silence, guilt, or rejection to control the outcome
  • Repeatedly raising your voice or interrupting until your partner agrees
These are coercive tactics — and they foster fear-based compliance, not authentic collaboration.

How to Practice This
  • Name the Difference Together
    • “Let’s commit to getting what we want through seduction and persuasion — not pressure or fear.”
  • Make Influence a Ritual
    • Take turns once a week practicing mutual influence:
    • “Here’s something I want. Can I try to sell you on it?”
    • “What’s something you’d like me to be more open to?”
    • Treat it as a dance, not a debate.
  • Create a "No-Fear" Agreement
    • If either partner feels coerced, you pause and recalibrate.
Final ThoughtTatkin would say:
“We don’t get our way by scaring our partner — we get our way by making our way desirable.”
This principle isn’t about being manipulative. It’s about being emotionally intelligent, relationally safe, and exquisitely attuned.
​✅ We are fully transparent with each other and tell each other everything

What Does This Principle Mean?
Tatkin’s principle of full transparency means there is no hidden personal domain when something could impact the relationship or the other person’s sense of safety.
It’s not about confession or surveillance — it’s about creating an environment of radical honesty, where nothing important is concealed, especially if:
  • It would affect your partner’s sense of security,
  • It relates to the past, present, or future of your bond,
  • Or it has emotional meaning for either of you.
It’s about removing ambiguity and secrecy, which fuel insecurity, especially in attachment-wounded systems.

Why Is Transparency So Important?
  • The brain hates uncertainty — especially in attachment relationships. When partners hide or “filter” information, it activates threat detection systems, particularly for anxiously attached individuals.
  • Secrets damage secure functioning. Even small omissions (“omissive dishonesty”) can destabilize the relationship if discovered later.
  • Trust thrives in predictability. Knowing that your partner is not hiding anything allows your nervous system to settle — creating emotional safety and allowing deeper intimacy.

What It Is (Healthy Transparency)
  • Voluntarily disclosing:
    • Desires, doubts, triggers, needs, and struggles.
    • Interactions that may seem sensitive (e.g., running into an ex).
    • Financial decisions, emotional boundaries, or personal changes.
  • Offering context, not just facts.
    • Not just “I met someone new at work” but “I noticed I felt drawn to them in a way that made me uncomfortable. I want to tell you that, not because I did something wrong, but because I don’t want even a hint of secrecy.”
  • Giving your partner a clear window into your inner world — your motives, intentions, even your confusions.

❌ What It’s Not (Misconceptions to Avoid)
  • Invasive monitoring: It’s not "I demand to read all your messages."
  • Confessional dumping: It's not about guilt-dumping every intrusive thought.
  • Permission-seeking or dependency: Transparency doesn't mean you lose autonomy or become codependent.

The Cost of Withholding
Even what seems small can cause harm:
  • “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to worry you.”
  • “I didn’t think it mattered.”
  • “I knew you’d get mad.”
Tatkin would say: If you're anticipating a negative response, it’s even more important to share. Otherwise, the relationship becomes fragile, filled with blind spots, and eventually… unsafe.

Psychological Impact
  • With transparency:
    • The partner feels chosen, respected, safe.
    • The system has clarity and resilience.
    • Mistrust doesn't build in the shadows.
  • Without transparency:
    • Your partner starts to “sense” something’s off, even if they can’t name it.
    • Mistrust grows faster than you can repair.
    • It often leads to betrayal trauma — not just from infidelity, but from the rupture of assumed intimacy.

Scripts for Practicing Transparency
  • Preemptive Transparency:
    • “Hey, something came up today I want to talk to you about, even though it might seem small. I value openness between us.”
  • Disclosing Vulnerability:
    • “I’ve been feeling confused about something, and I wasn’t sure whether to share it, but I want you to be in the loop.”
  • Repair After Withholding:
    • “I held something back that I now realize I should have shared. I think I was trying to protect you, but I see now that’s not how secure relationships work.”

How This Builds Secure Functioning
It reinforces the "couple bubble": We’re each other’s primary people, and there are no hidden rooms in this house.
  • It reduces the potential for “bad surprises.”
  • It lets each partner feel respected enough to handle the truth, even when it's messy or complex.
  • It shifts the relationship from performance and image to truth and depth.
✅ ​We are the go-to persons for all matters, making certain we are both the first to know—not second, third, or fourth—in all matters of importance.

Core Meaning
In secure-functioning, both partners agree to be each other’s first call, first share, and first point of emotional contact— not out of obligation, but because the relationship is prioritized as the primary attachment bond.
This means:
  • You don’t find out something important from someone else.
  • Your partner doesn’t discover meaningful life news after friends, coworkers, or family.
  • Both of you experience the relationship as a mutual front line, not a fallback position.

Why This Principle Matters (Neurobiology + Attachment)
  • Predictability creates safety.Your brain needs to know: “If something important happens — good or bad — my person will come to me first.” That predictability helps the nervous system settle.
  • Primary attachment figures matter most in regulation.When someone else (a parent, therapist, sibling, or friend) becomes your go-to for emotional processing, your partner is bypassed, and the relationship loses its secure function.
  • Being the “last to know” is a rupture of emotional trust.Even if it’s unintentional, learning something important secondhand can feel like betrayal, because it breaks the implicit contract: “I come first with you.”

What It Looks Like in Real Life
  • In Daily Life:
    • You get a job offer → You tell your partner first, not your best friend or mentor.
    • You’re upset about a conflict → You process it with your partner, not your sibling or therapist, first.
    • You’re navigating a health scare, financial stress, or family issue → Your partner is in the loop immediately, not after the fact.
  • In Conflict:
    • Even if you’re mad, you don’t go “vent to others” before resolving with your partner.
    • If something is emotionally significant, you bring it home first.

❌ Violations of This Principle
  • “Oh, didn’t I tell you? I already talked to my mom about it.”
  • “I had to process it with my friends first — I didn’t know how to tell you.”
  • “It didn’t feel like a big deal, so I didn’t think you needed to know.”
These are often signs that:
The relationship is not being centered, or a part of the person is afraid of conflict, rejection, or vulnerability and seeks safety elsewhere.

A Secure-Functioning Response
“You’re my person. I want you to be the first to know what’s going on inside me and around me — even when it’s hard to talk about. I never want you to feel like you’re getting leftovers or secondhand news.”
This creates a protective emotional container around the relationship, where each person knows:
  • "You trust me with your truth.”
  • “You turn to me first, not last.”

Final ThoughtTatkin’s secure-functioning relationships don’t leave each other gussing.
Being your partner’s go-to isn’t just romantic — it’s essential for trust, safety, and co-regulation.
“If it matters to you, I want to be the first to know — because you matter to me.”​
✅ If one of us is in distress, we drop what we’re doing and minister to that partner.

What Does This Principle Mean?
When one partner is in distress, the other partner immediately prioritizes their care — not later, not when convenient, but now.
Tatkin uses the language of “primary attachment figures.” In a secure-functioning relationship, each person becomes the other’s first responder, emotional regulator, and safe haven.

What Does “Ministering” Mean in This Context?
​It doesn’t mean fixing or taking over. It means:
  • Attuning (sensing something is off, even subtly)
  • Regulating (helping the distressed partner calm, feel safe)
  • Prioritizing (treating their pain as urgent)
  • Staying present (emotionally available, physically near, attuned)
  • Taking co-responsibility for emotional repair
This is how we embody:
“You never have to face pain or fear alone again. I’m your person.”

Why This Is Essential (Brain + Attachment)
  • Human distress is interpersonal before it is intrapersonal.
    • We are wired to co-regulate — babies need it, adults do too. When we feel emotionally flooded, we can’t think clearly, regulate on our own, or solve problems.
  • The faster the response, the deeper the safety.
    • Delaying or minimizing your partner’s distress signals "You're alone in this," which damages trust, especially for people with insecure or trauma-based attachment histories.
  • Neglecting this moment creates long-term insecurity.
    • When a partner in pain is met with distance, silence, or distraction, their system encodes:
      • “I can't rely on you. I’m not safe with you.”
That’s a betrayal of the secure base.

What It’s Not
  • It’s not codependency or enmeshment — the goal is not to merge but to attune.
  • It’s not indulgence — you’re not enabling unhealthy behavior, you’re soothing distress so your partner can re-access their own Self-energy and clarity.
  • It’s not a demand for constant availability — but it is an agreement that when distress hits, the relationship takes priority over all else for a moment.

What It Looks Like in Practice
  • Your partner texts, “I’m spiraling after that meeting” — and you step out to call.
  • They walk in with a look you recognize — you pause what you’re doing and ask, “What’s going on? I’m here.”
  • You notice a change in tone or body language — and instead of retreating, you lean in.
  • Sample Language:
    • “You matter more than what I was just doing.”
    • “Tell me what’s going on — I’m with you now.”
    • “Let’s sit down for a minute. I want to help you feel safe again.”

Common Objections — and Tatkin’s View
  • "But what if I’m in the middle of something important?"
    • Tatkin would say: “There is nothing more important than protecting the safety and security of the relationship.”
    • You don’t have to abandon your life — but you do pause. The signal matters more than the size of the gesture.
  • “Shouldn’t people self-soothe?”
    • Yes — but not in place of attachment repair. Tatkin’s model doesn’t ask:
“What’s fair?”
It asks: “What keeps us secure, bonded, and resilient?”

It’s not one-way. It’s an ongoing, mutual emotional contract — "When you’re down, I show up. When I’m down, I know you will too."
✅ ​We correct all perceived errors, including injustices and injuries, at once or as soon as possible, and without stated excuses, intentions, or explanations

​What Does This Principle Mean?
  • ​This principle commits both partners to:
    • Take perceived injury seriously — even if you don’t agree with the interpretation.
    • Repair the wound quickly and cleanly, rather than explaining why you didn’t mean it or why your partner “shouldn’t feel that way.”
    • Skip justification, and instead validate impact and take responsibility for relational safety.
“You don’t have to be wrong for me to care that I hurt you.”

Why It Matters (Attachment + Brain Science)
  • Attachment injuries are time-sensitive.
    • ​When repair is delayed, the injured partner’s brain doesn’t resolve the threat — it encodes danger.
  • Defensiveness increases injury.
    • ​When your partner says “that hurt,” and you respond with “I didn’t mean to,” their system hears:
    • “You care more about being right than about me feeling safe.”
  • Secure functioning prioritizes impact over intent.
    • ​This doesn't mean intent is meaningless — but repair comes before explanation, not after.

What This Looks Like in Practice
  • Acknowledge the Injury“
    • That landed wrong for you. I can see you’re hurt.”
    • Repair Immediately“I’m really sorry I said that.”
    • “You didn’t deserve to be spoken to that way.”
    • “I can see that felt dismissive. That matters to me.”
  • Do Not Explain Yet
    • Avoid:
      • “I didn’t mean it.”
      • “You’re misinterpreting me.”
      • “You’re too sensitive.”
      • “You should know I’d never hurt you.”
      • Follow Up Later (if needed) Once safety is restored:
      • “Can we talk about what was going on for me too, when you’re ready?”

❌ What Violates This Principle
  1. Insisting your partner “misunderstood” you before acknowledging harm
  2. Prioritizing your own discomfort over their injury
  3. Refusing to repair unless you’re convinced they’re “right”
  4. Withholding an apology until they prove their case
Tatkin would say:
“Secure-functioning people fix the damage before discussing the mechanics.”

Scripted Example
  • Partner A: “That comment really hurt. I felt shut down.”
  • Partner B (Secure-functioning):
    • “I’m sorry. That wasn’t okay. I want you to feel heard and safe with me.”
    • Not:
      • “I didn’t mean it that way!”
      • “You always take things the wrong way.”
      • “Well you started it…”

Final Thought
​This principle doesn't require perfection. It requires humility and speed.
“When you’re hurt, I stop — not to defend myself, but to care for you.”
​✅ ​We always greet each other with good cheer

The way you reunite sets the tone for the entire relationship.
Tatkin refers to this as part of the “rituals of connection” — reliable behaviors that signal you matter, we’re safe, and we’re in this together.

This principle says:
  • We treat each reunion as significant — not perfunctory.
  • Whether it’s been a day, a few hours, or just a night’s sleep, we show warmth, welcome, and goodwill.
  • We resist the urge to lead with stress, coldness, resentment, or distance — even when tired or triggered.
  • It’s not about pretending to be happy — it’s about signaling:
“You matter. I’m glad to see you. Our connection is more important than my mood right now.”

Why This Is So Important (Attachment + Neurobiology)
  • Reunions are psychologically loaded.
    • The brain treats separation and reunion as attachment tests — especially for anxiously attached or trauma survivors. A cold or distracted greeting triggers insecurity, doubt, or fight-or-flight.
  • Predictable warmth calms the nervous system.
    • Just like babies need a parent's delighted face to feel safe, adults need their partner’s warm re-entry to regulate. It’s a moment of co-regulation that says:
    • “You are not alone in the world.”
  • Micro-moments become macro-patterns.
    • Daily greetings may feel small, but they shape the emotional climate of the relationship. Warm reunions build safety. Cold ones accumulate into mistrust or disconnection.

What “Good Cheer” Looks Like
  • A warm smile
  • Eye contact and a kind tone
  • A gentle touch or hug
  • “Hey, it’s so good to see you.”
  • “I’m glad you’re home.”
  • Pausing what you’re doing to fully acknowledge your partner’s presence
  • It doesn't have to be over-the-top. It just has to say:
“You matter more than this task, this mood, or this moment of stress.”

❌ What Violates This Principle
  • Ignoring your partner when they enter the room
  • Staying on your phone or laptop without acknowledgment
  • Leading with complaints or criticism
  • Greeting with sarcasm, eye rolls, or flatness
  • Passive-aggressively signaling disapproval or resentment
Tatkin would say:
“Don’t let your partner walk into an emotional firing squad.”

How to Practice This (Even When It’s Hard)
  • Make it a ritual. Literally stand up, look at your partner, and greet them intentionally — even for 15 seconds.
  • Don’t lead with stress. Save “we need to talk” or “you won’t believe my day” for after the warm contact is made.
  • Be consistent. Warm reunions matter most when things are strained. They're a sign of secure functioning, not just good moods.

Final Thought
​Greeting your partner with good cheer isn’t about mood — it’s about priority.
It says:
“You are not just another person in my day — you are the person in my life. And I will show up like that matters.”
✅ ​We put each other to bed each night and greet each other in the morning.

It reflects the attachment needs of the adult nervous system, providing bookends of emotional safety that regulate, bond, and stabilize the relationship daily.

Putting Each Other to Bed at Night
Why It Matters
  • Going to bed is a vulnerable transition — the body slows down, defenses drop, and unresolved tension can linger in the nervous system.
  • If you go to bed disconnected, your brain encodes threat, even unconsciously.
  • Ending the day in connection tells the body: “I am safe, loved, and secure.”

What It Looks Like in Practice
  • Lying down together, even briefly, regardless of when you fall asleep.
  • Sharing a few moments of physical contact (hand-holding, cuddling, foot-touch).
  • Speaking tender words:
    • “I’m glad we’re together.”
    • “Sleep well. I’ll see you in the morning.”
    • “Thank you for today.”
    • If you’ve had tension:
      • “I know we’re not totally resolved, but I love you and I want to stay close tonight. Let’s keep talking tomorrow.”
The goal is not perfection — it’s presence.

Greeting Each Other in the Morning
Why It Matters
Morning is a re-entry into relational consciousness. The way you greet each other shapes the tone for the whole day.
Secure-functioning couples say:
“You’re the first person I orient to, not my phone, my to-do list, or the news.”

What It Looks Like in Practice
  • Waking up and making first contact with each other, not with a screen.
  • Greeting each other before getting out of bed:
  • “Good morning, love.”
  • “How did you sleep?”
  • “Anything on your mind for today?”
  • Physical affection: even 30 seconds of touch raises oxytocin and lowers stress hormones.
  • Brief check-in:
    • “What’s your day look like?”
    • “Is there anything you want or need from me today?”

Ritual Adjustments (For Different Routines)
  • Different bedtimes or wake times?
    • Still do a brief tuck-in or goodbye ritual:
    • “I know you’re staying up later, but I want to tuck you in with a kiss.”
  • One partner travels or works late shifts?
    • Use video/voice messages with goodnight or good morning messages.
  • Not sleeping in the same room (post-conflict or otherwise)?
    • Still exchange an intentional emotional connection before sleep and after waking — even by text or across rooms.

Final Thought
This principle isn't about being sweet. It's about being secure.
By putting each other to bed and greeting each other in the morning, you're saying:
“You are my home base. And I will return to you — every night and every morning — no matter what.”
✅ ​​We gaze lovingly upon our partner daily and make frequent and meaningful gestures of appreciation, admiration, and gratitude

Core MeaningThis principle invites couples to:
  • Use loving eye contact as a daily form of emotional attunement and regulation.
  • Regularly express specific admiration, appreciation, and gratitude — out loud, not just internally.
  • Reinforce the value and primacy of the partner through consistent, visible gestures of affection.
  • It’s about cherishing your partner — not just when you feel inspired, but as a daily practice of emotional intimacy.

Why This Matters (Neuroscience + Attachment)
  • Loving gaze is biologically regulating.Sustained, soft eye contact activates the social engagement system and helps the nervous system feel safe and seen. It releases oxytocin, reduces cortisol, and strengthens attachment bonds.
  • Gratitude and admiration foster relational resilience.When admiration is active, partners are more forgiving, generous, and less prone to negative interpretations.
  • Positive interactions must outnumber negative ones.According to research by John Gottman, stable relationships maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Tatkin would say:
“Daily appreciation is not fluff — it’s preventive care.”

What This Looks Like in Practice
  • Daily Loving Gaze
    • A few seconds of warm, uninterrupted eye contact while holding hands or cuddling
    • Looking at your partner’s face with soft eyes, not just glancing
    • Pausing during the day to really see them:
    • “Hi. I love this face.”
    • “It’s good to see you.”
  • Spoken Admiration and Gratitude·       “You’re so thoughtful with how you handled that.”
    • “I love how your mind works.”
    • “Thank you for taking care of that today — I saw it, and I appreciate you.”
    • “You’re the person I’d still choose. Every time.”
  • Gestures of Appreciation
    • A surprise note, small treat, or gentle text
    • Physical gestures: a kiss on the forehead, a lingering hug
    • Making their coffee, turning down their side of the bed, or anticipating a small need
These don’t have to be big — but they must be meaningful.

❌ What Violates This Principle
  • Taking your partner for granted (“They know how I feel.”)
  • Only giving praise when they “earn” it
  • Using sarcasm or teasing in place of sincere warmth
  • Never slowing down to really see or touch them
Even secure relationships wilt when appreciation dries up.

Rituals to Support This Principle
  • 60-Second Gaze Ritual: Sit face-to-face, hold hands, and gaze silently for 60 seconds once a day. Then exchange one thing you appreciate.
  • Gratitude Journal Exchange: Once a week, share 3 things you noticed and appreciated about your partner — big or small.
  • Admiration Jar: Write appreciation notes and place them in a jar for the other to read when needed or at the end of each week.
Admiration & Gratitude Prompts
(Use these to inspire meaningful, heartfelt appreciation. Rotate daily or weekly.)
  • Admiration Prompts
    • “One quality I deeply admire in you is…”
    • “You have a strength I really respect, and it’s…”
    • “Something I saw you do recently that impressed me was…”
    • “You make me feel proud when you…”
    • “I love the way you handle…”
  • Gratitude Prompts
    • “Thank you for doing ___ — I know you didn’t have to.”
    • “I noticed when you ___, and I felt really cared for.”
    • “I’m grateful that you show up for me by…”
    • “You make my life better when you…”
    • “I felt appreciated by you when…”
  • “Just Because” Warmth
    • “You’re the person I’d still choose — every time.”
    • “Being with you makes me feel lucky.”
    • “Looking at you still makes me smile.”
    • “Even when we struggle, I’m so grateful we’re us.”

Loving Gaze + Gratitude Ritual Guide
When: Once daily (morning, bedtime, or anytime you can be present)
Where: Sit face-to-face, eye level, no distractions(Phones off. Lights dimmed or soft.)
  • Step-by-Step Ritual (5 Minutes)
    • Step 1: Loving Gaze (1–2 minutes)
      • Sit in silence and hold eye contact.
      • No talking. Just breathing and seeing.
      • Let your expression be warm, curious, and relaxed.
      • (“I see you. I choose you. I’m here.”)
    • Step 2: Speak One Admiration or Gratitude
      • Each partner takes a turn:
      • “Something I admire/appreciate/grateful for today is…”
    • Step 3: Gentle Touch (optional)
      • Hold hands, place a hand over the heart, or share a short hug.
    • Step 4: Affirm the Bond
      • One sentence to reaffirm connection:
      • “I love being in this with you.”
      • “We’re okay. We’re us.”
      • “Thanks for being my person.”
✅ ​​We strive to become experts on each other

In Tatkin’s model, love is not a feeling — it’s a practice of attunement. Secure-functioning partners don’t just coexist or tolerate differences — they take deep interest in each other’s inner worlds, needs, patterns, fears, joys, histories, and triggers.

Core Meaning
  • Becoming an expert on your partner means:
  • You understand their nervous system and attachment needs better than anyone else.
  • You anticipate and care for their triggers, vulnerabilities, and rhythms.
  • You don’t leave their healing up to chance — you partner in it.
  • You read their moods, shifts, and signals with sensitivity and respect.
Tatkin says:
“You should be the world’s leading expert on your partner’s mind and body.”

Why It Matters (Attachment, Co-Regulation, and Safety)
  • Love without attunement feels lonely.
    • ​Your partner may feel unseen even if you're “nice.”
      • Expertise says: “I know what calms you, scares you, delights you — and I respond accordingly.”
  • Predictability creates safety.
    • ​When your partner knows that you know them — that you’re tuned in — they can let their guard down and feel fully at home.
  • Misattunement is inevitable — but repair is faster when you know your partner’s blueprint.

What It Looks Like in Practice
  • You Know:
    • What soothes them when they’re flooded
    • Their relationship with sleep, food, and physical touch
    • Their greatest insecurities and how they want you to respond when they surface
    • What lights them up and makes them feel alive
    • Their family history, trauma patterns, and relationship wounds
  • You Say Things Like:
    • “This feels like that part of you that got abandoned as a kid — want me to sit with you through it?”
    • “I know mornings are hard for you. Want me to check in after your meeting instead?”
    • “You’ve been pulling away a bit — are you needing space, or are you feeling scared?”
    • “I know that tone of mine triggers you — I’m really trying to catch it.”

❌ What Violates This Principle
  • “I don’t know what you want — just tell me.”
  • “You’re so complicated.”
  • “That’s your stuff to deal with — not mine.”
  • Ignoring patterns you already know frustrate or hurt your partner
Tatkin would say:
“If you know your partner gets activated when you raise your voice and you raise it anyway, you’re not in secure functioning.”

How to Practice Becoming an Expert
Create a Partner Profile
Take turns answering:
  • What helps you feel safe when you’re upset?
  • What’s one thing I should know about your family’s impact on your relationship style?
  • What’s your most vulnerable trigger in conflict?
  • What’s your ideal way of reconnecting after we argue?
  • What makes you feel most loved and appreciated?
  • Do this every few months — people evolve.

Keep a Mental “Owner’s Manual”
Tatkin recommends tracking:
  • Preferred times of day for connection
  • Conflict recovery style
  • Love languages
  • Sensitivities (e.g., tone, criticism, unpredictability)
  • Regulation tools (touch, space, reassurance)

Speak With Care — Using What You Know
Apply your expertise in real time:
  •  “I remember you said you feel unsafe when I go quiet — I’m pausing to gather my thoughts, not to shut you out.”
  • “You said acts of service make you feel loved — I took care of that errand you hate.”

Final Thought
“To love someone well is to study them with reverence.”
Becoming an expert on your partner doesn’t mean controlling or fixing them. It means:
“I know you, I care to keep knowing you, and I choose to love you in the way you feel loved.”
✅ ​Partner Profile Worksheet
A tool for mutual attunement, curiosity, and connection
Use this to explore each other’s inner world — how you experience stress, what helps you regulate, how you want to feel loved, and what your nervous system needs to feel safe and seen.
Tip: Revisit every 3–6 months. People evolve. So should your knowledge of each other.

Emotional Regulation & Soothing
  • When I’m stressed, the best thing you can do is: 
  • When I’m overwhelmed, I usually need (circle or add):
    • ☐ Space
    • ☐ Reassurance
    • ☐ Physical touch
    • ☐ Gentle words
    • ☐ Problem-solving help
    • ☐ Quiet presence
    • ☐ Distraction/fun
    • ☐ Other: ___________
  • What soothes me quickly: 
  • What makes things worse when I’m upset: 

Love Language & Affection
  • I feel most loved when you: 
  • My primary love languages are (rank or describe): 
  • I like physical affection when: 
  • I struggle with physical affection when: 

Conflict Style
  • When I’m in conflict, I tend to: 
  • What I need most during conflict: 
  • What I need most after conflict to reconnect: 
  •  A sign that I’m shutting down is: 
  •  A sign that I want to re-engage is: 

Triggers & Wounds
  • I get activated when I feel: 
  • One common trigger I’d love you to know about: 
  • Something from my past that still affects how I relate: 

Growth & Encouragement
  • A part of me I’m working on: 
  • How I’d like to be supported in it:
  • One thing I’m proud of that I want you to notice: 

Relational Rhythms
  • Best time of day for connection or hard conversations: 
  • Worst time of day for that:
  • How I like to start the day together: 
  • How I like to end the day together: 

What to Do When in Doubt
  • If you’re not sure how I’m feeling, the best thing to say is: 
  • If you’re not sure what I need, try:
  • If I go silent or pull away, here’s what’s probably happening: