Compulsive Sexual Behavior

The symptoms of sex addiction (also referred to as compulsive sexual behavior, hypersexual disorder, or out-of-control sexual behavior) typically involve a persistent pattern of intense, repetitive sexual thoughts, urges, or behaviors that feel difficult or impossible to control—despite negative consequences.
While it is not formally recognized as a distinct disorder in the DSM-5 (American Psychiatric Association), it is recognized in other diagnostic systems like the ICD-11 under Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD). Clinicians often assess it similarly to other behavioral addictions.

Core Symptoms of Sex Addiction / Compulsive Sexual Behavior
  1. Preoccupation with sex
    • Obsessive sexual thoughts or fantasies that intrude on daily functioning
    • Constant planning or seeking of sexual activities
  2. Loss of control
    • Inability to stop or reduce sexual behaviors despite repeated attempts
    • Escalating behaviors (e.g., more frequent, risky, or extreme activities to achieve the same satisfaction)
  3. Compulsive behaviors
    • Engaging in sexual activities as a way to regulate mood (e.g., stress, anxiety, boredom, shame)
    • Feeling compelled to act out even when one doesn't want to
  4. Negative consequences
    • Relationship problems, secrecy, or betrayal (e.g., infidelity, lying, hiding use of porn or sex workers)
    • Legal or occupational issues (e.g., public indecency, inappropriate behavior at work)
    • Financial distress from paying for sex or related services
    • Exposure to sexually transmitted infections due to risky sex
  5. Emotional consequences
    • Feelings of shame, guilt, self-loathing, or despair afterward
    • Mood swings, especially if behavior is interrupted or not acted on
    • Emotional numbing or disconnection from intimacy
  6. Neglect of other responsibilities or interests
    • Prioritizing sexual behavior over work, family, health, hobbies, or goals
  7. Failed attempts to stop
    • Repeated unsuccessful efforts to reduce or control the behavior
    • Periods of "acting out" followed by remorse and promises to stop

Examples of Specific Behaviors That May Be Part of Sex Addiction
  • Excessive use of pornography, often escalating in time or intensity
  • Masturbation that interferes with daily life or causes physical harm
  • Compulsive use of sex workers
  • Serial infidelity or multiple simultaneous sexual partners
  • Engaging in anonymous or high-risk sex (e.g., public sex, unsafe sex)
  • Repeatedly using chat rooms, dating apps, or webcams for sexual stimulation

Important Distinctions
  • Not just high libido: A strong sex drive alone does not constitute sex addiction unless it causes distress, loss of control, or harm.
  • Subjective distress matters: What distinguishes addiction is the compulsive nature of the behavior and its impairing effect on a person’s life.
  • Trauma link: Many people who meet criteria for sex addiction also have histories of trauma, shame, neglect, or attachment wounds. The behavior often serves as a coping mechanism.

When to Seek Help
​Professional help may be needed when:
  • The behavior is causing distress or interfering with relationships or daily functioning
  • There is a cycle of secrecy, shame, and acting out
  • Attempts to stop have repeatedly failed

What Causes Compulsive Sexual Behavior?

The cause of sex addiction is multifactorial, meaning it arises from a complex interplay of biological, psychological, relational, and developmental factors. While there’s no single cause, research and clinical experience point to a pattern of early-life experiences, emotional regulation deficits, trauma, and attachment wounds that drive the behavior.

🔍 Core Causes and Contributing Factors of Sex Addiction1. Childhood Trauma or Attachment Wounds
  • Many individuals with sex addiction report histories of:
    • Emotional neglect (not feeling seen, soothed, or safe)
    • Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
    • Parentification (taking care of others instead of being cared for)
    • Inconsistent caregiving that creates anxiety or hypervigilance
  • These early experiences often result in:
    • Insecure attachment styles (e.g., anxious, avoidant, disorganized)
    • Difficulty regulating emotions or feeling safe in intimacy
    • Shame-based beliefs (“I’m not good enough,” “I’m unlovable”)
Sexual behavior becomes a way to soothe or escape emotional pain.

2. Emotional Regulation Difficulties
  • Sex addiction often functions as a coping mechanism:
    • To escape boredom, stress, anxiety, shame, loneliness, or rage
    • To feel powerful, desired, soothed, or numb
  • The behavior becomes repetitive and compulsive because it reliably changes the emotional state—even if only temporarily.

3. Early Sexual Exposure or Conditioning
  • Early exposure to:
    • Pornography (especially before the brain can process it)
    • Sexualized environments or behaviors in the home
    • Sexual abuse or exploitation
  • Can result in:
    • Hypersexuality or sexualized coping mechanisms
    • A link between arousal and anxiety, fear, or pain
    • Miswiring of pleasure with danger or secrecy

4. Neurobiological Factors
  • Repeated sexual acting out (porn use, masturbation, fantasy) triggers dopamine surges similar to drug use.
  • Over time, the brain:
    • Builds tolerance (needing more or riskier behavior to feel the same "high")
    • Experiences withdrawal-like symptoms when behavior is stopped
    • Forms compulsive feedback loops in the reward system (especially in limbic structures)
Some researchers suggest similarities with behavioral addictions like gambling or compulsive eating.

5. Lack of Healthy Intimacy or Identity Development
  • Individuals often never learned how to:
    • Form secure emotional bonds
    • Express vulnerability or ask for needs
    • Understand and own their authentic sexual selves
  • Instead, sex is used to:
    • Create a pseudo-connection or escape loneliness
    • Reclaim a sense of power, control, or validation
    • Avoid real intimacy, which feels threatening or unfamiliar

6. Cultural and Societal Influences
  • Highly sexualized media and widespread access to porn
  • Conflicting messages about sexuality (e.g., shame vs. overindulgence)
  • Myths around masculinity, conquest, or emotional repression
These can create distorted expectations about sex, performance, and self-worth.

7. Co-occurring Disorders
Sex addiction is often not an isolated issue. It may occur alongside:
  • Depression
  • Anxiety disorders
  • Substance use disorders
  • Obsessive-compulsive traits
  • Personality disorders (especially narcissistic or borderline traits)
  • PTSD or Complex PTSD
Treatment needs to address the whole person, not just the behavior.

Summary: The Core Dynamic
At its heart, sex addiction is not about sex—it’s about pain.
The compulsive sexual behavior serves to:
  • Regulate unbearable emotional states
  • Distract from shame, fear, grief, or emptiness
  • Reenact unresolved trauma
  • Provide a fleeting illusion of connection, power, or control

Purity Culture

The influence of purity culture on sexuality is significant and multifaceted. While experiences vary across denominations and individuals, many researchers, therapists, and former adherents report both positive intentions and harmful consequences, particularly when it comes to shame, identity development, and sexual functioning.

🔍 Core Beliefs Purity Culture
“Purity culture” refers to a movement, especially prominent in the U.S. in the 1990s and 2000s, that emphasized:
  • Abstinence from sex until heterosexual marriage
  • Sexual thoughts, desires, and behaviors outside of marriage as sinful
  • Modesty codes—especially for women—as a way to “protect” men from lust
  • Spiritual value linked to sexual behavior, often using metaphors like “used gum,” “chewed candy,” or “a rose with its petals torn off”
  • The idea that remaining “pure” would guarantee a good marriage and fulfilling sex life

Negative Psychological and Sexual Effects (Commonly Reported)
1. Sexual Shame and Anxiety
  • Individuals may internalize that sexual desire is dangerous or sinful
  • Even after marriage, people often report:
    • Difficulty enjoying or initiating sex
    • Associating arousal with guilt
    • Struggling to shift from repression to openness
2. Dissociation from the Body
  • Strong focus on spiritual over physical self can lead to:
    • Detachment from bodily sensations
    • Poor sexual communication or awareness of one’s needs
    • Disembodiment during sexual activity
3. Delayed Sexual Development
  • Avoidance of sex-related conversations or education can result in:
    • Lack of knowledge about anatomy, consent, or emotional intimacy
    • Difficulty identifying personal boundaries or recognizing abuse
4. Gender Inequality
  • Teachings often emphasized female responsibility for male purity
  • This can lead to:
    • Women feeling overly responsible for men's behavior
    • Men not learning to regulate their own desire or respect boundaries
    • Reinforcement of patriarchal gender roles in relationships
5. Unrealistic Expectations About Marriage
  • Purity teachings often promised that:
    • Obedience = marital happiness
    • Virginity = guarantee of a loving, passionate sex life
  • Many people felt betrayed when reality didn’t match those promises
6. Difficulty Healing After Sexual Harm
  • Survivors of sexual abuse or assault often feel extra shame, believing their worth is diminished—even though they were not at fault
  • “Virginity” is seen as a spiritual and moral status rather than a concept informed by consent

Potential Positive Impacts (as reported by some adherents)
  • Clear values and structure during adolescence
  • A sense of spiritual identity tied to bodily integrity
  • Avoidance of high-risk sexual behavior during youth
  • Emphasis on commitment and fidelity in marriage
However, even people who appreciate aspects of their upbringing often report needing to deconstruct rigid teachings to form a healthy adult sexuality.

Research and Expert Perspectives
  • Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers (“Sex, God, and the Conservative Church”) found that many people raised in purity culture develop what she calls sexual shame disorders
  • Linda Kay Klein (“Pure”) compiled hundreds of interviews from people harmed by purity messaging, often dealing with PTSD-like symptoms around sexuality
  • Therapists note parallels between purity culture and religious trauma, especially when core teachings shame natural human development

Reclaiming Sexuality After Purity Culture
Many people raised in purity culture go through a process of sexual deconstruction and healing, which might involve:
  • Re-educating themselves about anatomy, pleasure, and consent
  • Identifying internalized shame or moral judgment toward sexual desire
  • Using IFS, somatic work, or religious trauma therapy to reconnect with the body
  • Learning that sexuality can be ethical, sacred, joyful, and chosen, rather than controlled

Reclaiming Sexual Wholeness

Reclaiming sexual wholeness is a deep, multi-layered healing process. It involves deconstruction, re-education, embodiment, and often grief work—not just about sexuality, but about autonomy, identity, and spirituality.
Here is a step-by-step roadmap, drawing from trauma therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), somatic healing, and the work of clinicians like Tina Schermer Sellers, Linda Kay Klein, and Jay Stringer.

Step-by-Step Healing Model: Reclaiming Sexual Wholeness After Purity Culture
Step 1: Acknowledge the Impact
​This means facing—honestly and without minimizing—how purity culture shaped your beliefs, emotions, and experiences.
Questions to explore:
  • What messages did I receive about sex, bodies, desire, or gender?
  • What emotions do I associate with sexual thoughts or activity (e.g., fear, shame, guilt)?
  • How do I feel about my own body or pleasure?
  • Was sexuality ever linked to moral value, worth, or godliness?
This step often includes grief: for lost years, repressed experiences, or unmet expectations.

Step 2: Externalize the Shame (IFS + Religious Trauma Work)
Using an IFS-informed lens, you can begin to separate from the parts of you that:
  • Police your thoughts
  • Feel “dirty” for being aroused
  • Panic at the idea of sexual expression
  • Believe your body is a stumbling block
These are protector parts, shaped by fear and religious programming—not your true Self.
IFS Exercise:
"Can I turn toward the part of me that feels shame around desire… and ask, what are you afraid would happen if you didn’t suppress me?"
The goal is compassion, not erasure. These parts were trying to keep you “safe” from sin, rejection, or spiritual loss.

Step 3: Re-Educate Yourself Sexually (Without Shame)
Many people raised in purity culture lack accurate or affirming sex education. Begin to learn about your body and sexuality from trusted, shame-free sources.
Topics to explore:
  • Anatomy and arousal (e.g., vulva/clitoris/penis physiology)
  • The sexual response cycle (desire, arousal, orgasm, afterglow)
  • Boundaries and consent
  • Pleasure as a form of embodied autonomy
  • Ethical sexuality (vs purity-based morality)
Resources:
  • Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
  • Sex, God, and the Conservative Church by Tina Schermer Sellers
  • Pure by Linda Kay Klein
  • Rethinking Sexuality by Dr. Juli Slattery (more moderate Christian lens)
  • Healing the Wounded Heart by Dan Allender (for sexual trauma survivors)

Step 4: Reclaim Your Body Through Embodiment Practices
Many people in purity culture were taught to ignore, suppress, or distrust their bodies. Healing requires reclaiming bodily connection and safety.
Practices may include:
  • Mindful touch (non-sexual to start)
  • Sensate focus exercises (exploring sensation without performance pressure)
  • Breathwork, yoga, or movement meditation
  • Mirror work: looking at your body with compassion and curiosity
  • Trauma-informed pelvic floor therapy (if there’s pain or disconnection)
The goal is to rebuild trust with your body—it’s not a source of temptation, but a vessel of wisdom and joy.

Step 5: Redefine Your Own Sexual Ethics and Values
Let go of inherited moral frameworks that don't align with your lived truth. Replace them with integrated, chosen values, such as:
  • Consent
  • Mutual respect
  • Emotional honesty
  • Curiosity over fear
  • Holiness as wholeness, not repression
Ask:
  • What does integrity look like for me sexually?
  • Can I honor both my desire and dignity?
  • How do I define sacredness—not based on shame, but presence and connection?

Step 6: Explore Sexuality Safely and Slowly
If and when you’re ready, begin to experiment with sexual expression at your own pace. This might mean:
  • Reading or writing erotic material without shame
  • Exploring self-pleasure with mindfulness
  • Engaging in sexually expressive art, dance, or fantasy
  • Trying intimacy with a partner, slowly and with clear boundaries
  • Naming your preferences and desires—without judgment
Key: You are not performing for anyone. You are listening inward.

Step 7: Integrate Your Story – Body, Spirit, Sexuality
This is about healing the false split purity culture created between:
  • Spirit and body
  • Sacred and sexual
  • Virtue and desire
You may find new ways to integrate spirituality and sexuality, such as:
  • Reclaiming God as present in the body and pleasure
  • Embracing a theology of incarnation and embodiment
  • Meditative or prayerful approaches to intimacy
  • Letting go of binaries like “pure/impure” in favor of “whole/integrated”

Final ThoughtReclaiming your sexual self is not just about sex.
It’s about reclaiming your voice, body, and right to belong to yourself.
You don’t need to replace purity with promiscuity. You need freedom to choose—to live, feel, and love from your own center, not someone else’s fear.

Sexual Health

Doug Braun-Harvey and Michael Vigorito propose a sexual health foundation to provide effective and ethical treatment for men with Out of Control Sexual Behaviour (OCSB). 

Consent
Is a “voluntary cooperation” and the permission to reach sexual satisfaction and intimacy with oneself and willing partners.  Safe, consensual sex is a human right and the essential sexual health principle that makes mutually positive sexual interactions possible. Consent is a very big issue. Was there a yes, or no? Learn about consent on this 4 minute video.

Nonexploitation
A person can increase the likelihood of nonexploitative sex when he or she remains highly motivated to ensure he or she is not taking unfair advantage to gain access to a sexual partner or sexual activity. What, if any, are the power imbalances? Is information being withheld from one partner?

Protected from STIs and unintended pregnancy
Those involved in sexual activity must be capable of protecting themselves and their partners from an STI and unintended or unwanted pregnancy. Have you ever had a safe sex talk beforehand?

Honesty
Sexual health involves direct and open communication with oneself and one’s partners. Honesty is a crucial building block for sexual relations with others and is necessary for effective communication to uphold all of the sexual health principles. How transparent are you with your partner? Are your wants and desires expressed? Do you keep your agreements?

Shared values
Sexual relations between partners involve clarifying underlying motives, sexual standards, and the meaning of specific sexual acts for each person. This principle promotes conversations between sex partners to clarify their consent for sexual relations, discuss their sexual values and articulate motivations for having sex. The other safe sex talk – What does having sex mean to you?

Mutual pleasure
This prioritizes the giving and receiving of pleasure. Each moment of heightened pleasure can have many meanings that can change over time and with different partners. Valuing the pleasure of sex as a positive and life-enhancing aspect of sex is vital for ensuring mutual pleasure. Mutually pleasurable sexual activity invites clients to consider their bodily, erotic, and emotional sensualities for themselves and their partners. Is the experience on balance satisfying for both, or is it a one way street?