Check Ins
A check in is an intentional meeting with your partner to stay connected. The more stress you have in your life, the more important it is to stay connected. The primary agenda is to provide a space for each of you to be seen and understood and share your thoughts and feelings about each of you and your relationship. The goal is to check how you are doing adhering to secure functioning principles. Other reasons to check in could be to keep each other informed, refine or make new agreements, repair injuries, manage stress, plan time, and many others. Try not to do too much in one check in. Agree on a limited time. If during the check in you find that you need more time for a specific issue, schedule a separate meeting to follow up on that issue. Here is a daily share you can begin with that includes only 4 items.
During a check in it is important to be present. Take a minute to calm all distractions and focus on your partner and the task at hand.
If one of you needs to share something that was hurtful, here is some information on how to apologize along with a guide for the repair process.
This is a list of questions organized by topic to get you started that you can adapt to fit the needs of your relationship. So give space to each other’s input on which items are important to each of you and feel free to add something that isn’t listed.
Feeling right now
Affirmation
Today/This Week
Future
Requests
Addiction Recovery
Growth
Connection
During a check in it is important to be present. Take a minute to calm all distractions and focus on your partner and the task at hand.
If one of you needs to share something that was hurtful, here is some information on how to apologize along with a guide for the repair process.
This is a list of questions organized by topic to get you started that you can adapt to fit the needs of your relationship. So give space to each other’s input on which items are important to each of you and feel free to add something that isn’t listed.
Feeling right now
- The emotion that I am feeling right now.
- The physical sensation that I am feeling right now.
Affirmation
- What I loved most about you this week.
- What I was most thankful about you this week.
- One thing that I appreciate about you right now.
Today/This Week
- Something I really enjoyed.
- What made me laugh or smile.
- What I enjoyed doing at work.
- Something really challenging for me.
- Something that has been bothering me.
Future
- Something I’m looking forward to in the next 30 days.
- Something I’m anxious about in the next 30 days.
- Something I hope will happen in the next XX days/months
- One hope for our relationship right now.
Requests
- What I need from you right now.
- One way that you can support me in my healing.
- What can I do for you to make your life a little easier?
Addiction Recovery
- Since our last check-in, the nature of my triggers. (more/less frequent, deeper/shallower, absent, etc.; what’s triggering me)
- One thing that I feel about my healing/recovery process.
- Any relapses or slips since last check-in.
Growth
- One thing I’ve done for our relationship since our last check-in.
- One thing that I’ve “let go of” since our last check-in.
- One thing that I continue to nurture since our last check-in.
- One thing that I am still processing since our last check-in.
- One thing that I’ve done for myself since our last check-in.
- Issues related to my trauma that I am working on.
- Issues related to my vulnerability and emotional connection that I am working on.
- A new insight about my healing that I’ve become aware of.
- What I need to work on next week to be a better person.
Connection
- For the following items, use a 0-10 scale and discuss what can be done to improve.
- How safe do I feel with you?
- Emotional connection
- Intellectual connection
- Spiritual connection
- Social connection
- Our friendship and ability to have fun and enjoy each other’s company
- Our sexual intimacy