Check Ins
Most couples wait until there is a problem before they talk about the relationship. By then, stress, resentment, misunderstandings, and disconnection have often been building for days or weeks.
A check in is an intentional meeting with your partner to stay connected. The more stress you have in your life, the more important it is to stay connected. The primary agenda is to provide a space for each of you to be seen and understood and share your thoughts and feelings about each of you and your relationship. The goal is to check how you are doing adhering to secure functioning principles.
Other reasons to check in could be to keep each other informed, refine or make new agreements, repair injuries, manage stress, plan time, and many others. Try not to do too much in one check in. Agree on a limited time. If during the check in you find that you need more time for a specific issue, schedule a separate meeting to follow up on that issue.
Think of a check-in as preventive maintenance for your relationship.
Before You Begin
Agree to the following:
Step 1: Appreciation (3–5 Minutes)
Begin by sharing what you appreciated about your partner this week.
Examples:
Step 2: Personal Update (5 Minutes Each)
Share what is happening in your world.
Here is a daily share you can begin with that includes only 4 items.
Step 3: Relationship Check-In (10 Minutes)
Discuss the relationship itself.
Instead of:
"You never listen."
Try:
"I felt alone when we talked about that."
Step 4: Repair and Rewind
If either partner felt hurt, misunderstood, or disconnected, this is the time to address it.
The goal is not to determine who was right.
The goal is to understand what happened and create a different experience moving forward.
Reflect - "What might have been happening for me that contributed to the problem?"
Repair - "I can see how that impacted you."
Rewind - "Can we try that conversation again?"
Both partners can explore how they contributed to the cycle.
Here is some information on how to apologize along with a guide for the repair process.
Step 5: Requests and Agreements
Discuss practical needs for the upcoming week.
Step 6: Looking Ahead
If You Get Stuck
Pause.
Take a breath.
Slow down.
Return to curiosity.
Ask:
"Help me understand."
Remember: A successful check-in is not one where nobody gets triggered. A successful check-in is one where both partners are able to recognize the trigger, repair the disconnection, and find their way back to each other.
A check in is an intentional meeting with your partner to stay connected. The more stress you have in your life, the more important it is to stay connected. The primary agenda is to provide a space for each of you to be seen and understood and share your thoughts and feelings about each of you and your relationship. The goal is to check how you are doing adhering to secure functioning principles.
Other reasons to check in could be to keep each other informed, refine or make new agreements, repair injuries, manage stress, plan time, and many others. Try not to do too much in one check in. Agree on a limited time. If during the check in you find that you need more time for a specific issue, schedule a separate meeting to follow up on that issue.
Think of a check-in as preventive maintenance for your relationship.
Before You Begin
Agree to the following:
- We are allies, not adversaries.
- The goal is understanding, not winning.
- We will be curious before defensive.
- We will focus on creating a win/win outcome whenever possible.
- If either of us becomes reactive, we will reflect, repair and rewind to the conversation.
- During a check in it is important to be present. Take a minute to calm all distractions and focus on your partner and the task at hand.
Step 1: Appreciation (3–5 Minutes)
Begin by sharing what you appreciated about your partner this week.
Examples:
- Something they did that helped you.
- A quality you admire.
- A moment when you felt loved, supported, or understood.
- What did I do this week that you appreciated?
- When did you feel most connected to me?
- What would you like more of?
Step 2: Personal Update (5 Minutes Each)
Share what is happening in your world.
- How have you been feeling emotionally?
- What has been stressful this week?
- What has brought you joy?
- What support do you need?
Here is a daily share you can begin with that includes only 4 items.
Step 3: Relationship Check-In (10 Minutes)
Discuss the relationship itself.
- How connected have you felt to me this week?
- Did anything create distance between us?
- Is there anything unresolved we should talk about?
- Is there anything you have been hesitant to bring up?
Instead of:
"You never listen."
Try:
"I felt alone when we talked about that."
Step 4: Repair and Rewind
If either partner felt hurt, misunderstood, or disconnected, this is the time to address it.
The goal is not to determine who was right.
The goal is to understand what happened and create a different experience moving forward.
Reflect - "What might have been happening for me that contributed to the problem?"
Repair - "I can see how that impacted you."
Rewind - "Can we try that conversation again?"
Both partners can explore how they contributed to the cycle.
Here is some information on how to apologize along with a guide for the repair process.
Step 5: Requests and Agreements
Discuss practical needs for the upcoming week.
- What do you need from me this week?
- Is there anything we need to coordinate?
- Are there any expectations that need clarification?
- Do we need to update any agreements?
Step 6: Looking Ahead
- What are we looking forward to?
- How can we intentionally create connection this week?
- When will our next check-in be?
If You Get Stuck
Pause.
Take a breath.
Slow down.
Return to curiosity.
Ask:
"Help me understand."
Remember: A successful check-in is not one where nobody gets triggered. A successful check-in is one where both partners are able to recognize the trigger, repair the disconnection, and find their way back to each other.