Check Ins
A check in is an intentional meeting with your partner to stay connected. The more stress you have in your life, the more important it is to stay connected. The primary agenda is to provide a space for each of you to be seen and understood and share your thoughts and feelings about each of you and your relationship. The goal is to check how you are doing adhering to secure functioning principles. Other reasons to check in could be to keep each other informed, refine or make new agreements, repair injuries, manage stress, plan time, and many others. Try not to do too much in one check in. Agree on a limited time. If during the check in you find that you need more time for a specific issue, schedule a separate meeting to follow up on that issue. Here is a daily share you can begin with that includes only 4 items.
During a check in it is important to be present. Take a minute to calm all distractions and focus on your partner and the task at hand.
If you aren’t ready to answer a question, tell your partner and let them know when you think you will be able to respond. At the end of a share thank each other for sharing and listening.
If an issue emerges that needs more time to process, here are some guidelines to create a safe space to communicate clearly and respectfully.
If you are the one talking:
If you are the listener:
This is a list of questions organized by topic to get you started that you can adapt to fit the needs of your relationship. So give space to each other’s input on which items are important to each of you and feel free to add something that isn’t listed.
Feeling right now
Affirmation
Today/This Week
Future
Requests
Addiction Recovery
Growth
Connection
During a check in it is important to be present. Take a minute to calm all distractions and focus on your partner and the task at hand.
If you aren’t ready to answer a question, tell your partner and let them know when you think you will be able to respond. At the end of a share thank each other for sharing and listening.
If an issue emerges that needs more time to process, here are some guidelines to create a safe space to communicate clearly and respectfully.
If you are the one talking:
- Focus On One Issue Only - Before you begin, get clear on your main concern. Check your partner’s readiness. Stay on track with this one issue. Describe how you’ve been feeling and what you want.
- Express Your Feelings & Thoughts - Feelings are often complex and can even be contradictory. Go beyond simply expressing one feeling. Look for the vulnerability that may be underneath your initial feeling (sadness, jealousy, hurt, guilt, etc). If you are expressing a hurt, resist analyzing your partner and stay with how you are feeling and what you are needing. “When you do that it makes me feel this.”
- Avoid Blaming, Accusing or Name Calling - Tell your partner how you feel without hurting them or making them feel bad. Risk being vulnerable and give them the opportunity to hear you and respond.
- New Agreement - Work with your partner in helping them make a change if necessary.
If you are the listener:
- Seek Understanding - Don’t defend yourself, argue or cross-complain. Develop an interested and curious state of mind. The questions you ask are designed to understand your partner’s experience.
- Recap - Repeat back to your partner as accurately and completely as you are able, what you’ve understood. Check it out with your partner to see if it’s complete and accurate. Stay curious until you fully understand and it makes sense.
- Empathize - Do your best to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Respond with empathy. If an apology is needed, make a repair.
- New Agreement - Commit to making any changes that you agree to.
This is a list of questions organized by topic to get you started that you can adapt to fit the needs of your relationship. So give space to each other’s input on which items are important to each of you and feel free to add something that isn’t listed.
Feeling right now
- The emotion that I am feeling right now.
- The physical sensation that I am feeling right now.
Affirmation
- What I loved most about you this week.
- What I was most thankful about you this week.
- One thing that I appreciate about you right now.
Today/This Week
- Something I really enjoyed.
- What made me laugh or smile.
- What I enjoyed doing at work.
- Something really challenging for me.
- Something that has been bothering me.
Future
- Something I’m looking forward to in the next 30 days.
- Something I’m anxious about in the next 30 days.
- Something I hope will happen in the next XX days/months
- One hope for our relationship right now.
Requests
- What I need from you right now.
- One way that you can support me in my healing.
- What can I do for you to make your life a little easier?
Addiction Recovery
- Since our last check-in, the nature of my triggers. (more/less frequent, deeper/shallower, absent, etc.; what’s triggering me)
- One thing that I feel about my healing/recovery process.
- Any relapses or slips since last check-in.
Growth
- One thing I’ve done for our relationship since our last check-in.
- One thing that I’ve “let go of” since our last check-in.
- One thing that I continue to nurture since our last check-in.
- One thing that I am still processing since our last check-in.
- One thing that I’ve done for myself since our last check-in.
- Issues related to my trauma that I am working on.
- Issues related to my vulnerability and emotional connection that I am working on.
- A new insight about my healing that I’ve become aware of.
- What I need to work on next week to be a better person.
Connection
- For the following items, use a 0-10 scale and discuss what can be done to improve.
- How safe do I feel with you?
- Emotional connection
- Intellectual connection
- Spiritual connection
- Social connection
- Our friendship and ability to have fun and enjoy each other’s company
- Our sexual intimacy