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The Attachment Project came out of the need to educate people about one of the most essential foundations of psychology, attachment theory.
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Attachment is an emotional bond that forms in early childhood when we are 10 to 20 months old based on our parents’ behavior. Unconscious patterns become set in place by the time we are two years old. Our attachment styles shape the way we approach, communicate in, and effect our relationships. It might even predict the quality and duration of those relationships. The influence of attachment styles, however, spreads beyond that. It impacts the way we cope with stress, the way we interact in various social contexts (even at work), and most importantly, the way we feel about ourselves.
AVOIDANT
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SECURE
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ANXIOUS
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Wired for Love: Are You an Anchor, Island, or a Wave?
Renowned couples’ therapist Stan Tatkin explains how three “attachment styles”
affect our relationships and how we can become more secure with our partners.
affect our relationships and how we can become more secure with our partners.
If you’ve ever fallen in love, then you know it feels pretty wacko in the beginning. You can’t sleep, you barely eat, and your beloved is all you think about. Your body and brain are flooded with a cocktail of chemicals, including dopamine, noradrenaline, testosterone, oxytocin, and vasopressin.
As it happens, other traits of the first blush — obsessiveness, compulsivity, anxiety, and panic — are shared by many mental disorders. There’s a reason we call it “lovesick.”
Yet humans keep falling in love anyway. How peculiar. And how romantic.
While falling in love is enticing enough to make us take leave of our senses, staying in love is how we enjoy the real rewards: mutual trust, regular affection, consistent support. For most of us, what really counts is what happens after the infatuation phase, when we demonstrate our ability to be there for one another, no matter what. And even if that capacity doesn’t come naturally, we can learn and nurture it.
I am a couples’ therapist by training, and I have developed and use a psychobiological approach in my clinical practice. For 25 years, I’ve observed how much something called “attachment style” influences our ability to participate in a loving relationship. This is because our early experiences with attachment create an instructional blueprint that remains stored in our bodies; that blueprint determines our basic relational wiring and sense of safety.
In a nutshell, these incidents program some of us to be fundamentally secure in our primary relationships, while others of us become insecure. And insecurity can make us distant, or ambivalent about relating.
But this can be changed. Partners can make love and avoid war when the security-seeking parts of the brain are put at ease. I explore this concept at length in my book Wired for Love. This is a summary of a few of the ideas found there.
Three Styles of Relating
The success of long-term relationships depends in part on partners acting as each other’s “whisperers,” in the animal sense. This means respecting each other’s vulnerabilities and knowing, without necessarily being told, what the other person needs when he or she is upset. Each partner communicates his or her needs and desires without resorting to threats, guilt, force, or manipulation.
This isn’t to say we should remain at the mercy of each other’s runaway moods and feelings. Rather, as competent “managers” of our partners, we can become expert at moving, shifting, motivating, influencing, soothing, and inspiring one another.
For some of us, this partner-whispering comes more naturally than for others.
In my work with couples, I refer to the three main styles of relating as “anchors,” “islands,” and “waves.” Each style has its own strengths and weaknesses, though anchors generally have the easiest time in relationships.
Most of us exhibit more than one style over a lifetime, though we probably fall back on the one we developed in childhood unless we’ve made a conscious effort to change. These are the three styles in detail:
Anchors (62%) are notoriously easygoing, and mostly unencumbered by fears of abandonment or loss of autonomy. They are collaborative and cooperative by nature, and they’re comfortable with physical and emotional intimacy. They can maintain that closeness for extended periods without anxiety.
They usually developed these traits because they had a secure relationship with a primary caregiver, and they’re able to bring that acquired sense of security into their adult relationships. I call relationships between two anchors “secure functioning,” because both partners relate in mutually beneficial ways.
Islands, (23%) in contrast with anchors, have a hard time staying connected to their long-term romantic partners. In therapeutic language, we call this the “avoidant” type.
On the bright side, islands are often independent, highly creative, and accomplished adults. But they frequently feel trapped in primary romantic relationships — especially when the going gets tough. They prize solitude and fear being subsumed by another person’s wishes and needs.
Islands are threatened by conflict and drama; they’re more likely to withdraw, keep secrets, and fear being exposed by partners who encroach on their privacy. As a result, their companions often feel neglected, unimportant, and burdensome.
Though islands can seem antisocial or selfish, they are often reacting to early experiences when they felt neglected by their caregivers. Experience taught them to self-soothe rather than risk depending on anyone else for support.
Islands often want close relationships but are afraid of the responsibilities of another person; they fear being needed but not really wanted. Their defensiveness is largely unconscious, driven by the conditioning of their nervous systems and brains.
Waves, (15%) on the other hand, deeply desire connection with a partner. They’re usually generous people, and their passionate intensity can make them fun to be around. Yet most waves believe that true intimacy is not really possible, and they live in fear of abandonment, withdrawal, rejection, and punishment. While islands have a fear of dependency, the primary issue for waves — sometimes called “angry resistant” individuals — is dashed hope.
The partners of waves often feel like their relationships are roller-coaster rides. Waves tend to cling to their companions while also behaving in ways that can be hostile and distancing. Separations and reunions may trigger pushing their partners away, even as they want connection. This comes from fearing deeply what they most want: a truly intimate relationship.
As children, waves often experienced role reversal with at least one parent, who was likely to have been depressed, anxious, dependent, overwhelmed, or angry. They were charged with caring for that adult’s emotional well-being, and this meant their own needs for connection went unmet. So, as adults, when they reach out for connection, they expect to be disappointed. Their reflexive negativism is a defense against that disappointment. I call this an “allergy to hope.”
Style Update
We can all develop a more “anchored” way of relating, though it involves a shift in thinking for waves and islands, who tend to put their own needs first — out of insecurity. Anchored relating requires mutuality, or putting your partner and the relationship first. Secure-functioning couples create a social contract, implicitly or explicitly, that ensures fairness, equality, and sensitivity to each other’s needs.
Let’s look at one hypothetical couple. Jerome and Chris are in their early 30s with two young children. Both parents work, although Jerome is less likely to fulfill his share of the household responsibilities. His tendency to think of his own needs first is characteristic of an island. He’s frequently secretive about his needs and plans, while Chris’s reactions to their impasses are often fast and furious. This is typical of waves, who want connection yet expect disappointment.
Here’s a typical encounter: Chris tells Jerome after breakfast that he’ll have to pick up the kids that afternoon because of an unexpected meeting at work. Jerome refuses, speaking evasively about other plans, and finally admits — under pressure — that he has plans to golf with friends. Chris explodes and complains loudly of feeling neglected and disrespected, while Jerome snaps back and leaves the house, retreating — island-style — from any further drama.
This situation might sound hopeless, and it may not be realistic to think the relationship can be healed instantly, but there is a path to success for this couple.
For starters, they could find a more relaxed time to talk, with the goal of establishing some shared principles for their relationship — such as “we’re in this together” and “everybody’s time is valuable.” These principles can guide them toward more supportive ways to interact the next time they have conflicting needs.
The point is to learn to be there for each other instead of putting their individual needs into competition. Even if Jerome continues to have an island-like love of independence, and Chris remains passionate and intense, their interactions can move toward an anchor style. It might go like this:
A shared sense of purpose will give you something to rely on when difficulties arise; it will help you stay connected when you’re tempted to push each other away. Becoming each other’s anchor is worth the effort. It will make life’s stormy seas much easier to navigate.
3 Questions for Any Couple
As you discuss your relationship, with the goal of becoming more secure-functioning, ask each other three questions:
Shared principles of partnership. When choosing your own principles, both of you must buy in and commit to follow-through, regardless of circumstances or feelings in a given moment. In other words, your agreed-upon principles must serve both a personal and a mutual good. For instance, my spouse and I have a shared principle that if either of us is in distress, the other will drop everything and help. We know how to pick each other up when we’re down and how to settle the other when unsettled, so we’ve agreed to do this without question.
Exclusive benefits. The third question sounds the most complex, but it’s probably the easiest to answer. What do you do for each other that no one else can do? There are as many answers for this question as there are couples in the world. So have fun with it.
This originally appeared as "Anchors, Islands, and Waves” in the June 2019 print issue of Experience Life.
As it happens, other traits of the first blush — obsessiveness, compulsivity, anxiety, and panic — are shared by many mental disorders. There’s a reason we call it “lovesick.”
Yet humans keep falling in love anyway. How peculiar. And how romantic.
While falling in love is enticing enough to make us take leave of our senses, staying in love is how we enjoy the real rewards: mutual trust, regular affection, consistent support. For most of us, what really counts is what happens after the infatuation phase, when we demonstrate our ability to be there for one another, no matter what. And even if that capacity doesn’t come naturally, we can learn and nurture it.
I am a couples’ therapist by training, and I have developed and use a psychobiological approach in my clinical practice. For 25 years, I’ve observed how much something called “attachment style” influences our ability to participate in a loving relationship. This is because our early experiences with attachment create an instructional blueprint that remains stored in our bodies; that blueprint determines our basic relational wiring and sense of safety.
In a nutshell, these incidents program some of us to be fundamentally secure in our primary relationships, while others of us become insecure. And insecurity can make us distant, or ambivalent about relating.
But this can be changed. Partners can make love and avoid war when the security-seeking parts of the brain are put at ease. I explore this concept at length in my book Wired for Love. This is a summary of a few of the ideas found there.
Three Styles of Relating
The success of long-term relationships depends in part on partners acting as each other’s “whisperers,” in the animal sense. This means respecting each other’s vulnerabilities and knowing, without necessarily being told, what the other person needs when he or she is upset. Each partner communicates his or her needs and desires without resorting to threats, guilt, force, or manipulation.
This isn’t to say we should remain at the mercy of each other’s runaway moods and feelings. Rather, as competent “managers” of our partners, we can become expert at moving, shifting, motivating, influencing, soothing, and inspiring one another.
For some of us, this partner-whispering comes more naturally than for others.
In my work with couples, I refer to the three main styles of relating as “anchors,” “islands,” and “waves.” Each style has its own strengths and weaknesses, though anchors generally have the easiest time in relationships.
Most of us exhibit more than one style over a lifetime, though we probably fall back on the one we developed in childhood unless we’ve made a conscious effort to change. These are the three styles in detail:
Anchors (62%) are notoriously easygoing, and mostly unencumbered by fears of abandonment or loss of autonomy. They are collaborative and cooperative by nature, and they’re comfortable with physical and emotional intimacy. They can maintain that closeness for extended periods without anxiety.
They usually developed these traits because they had a secure relationship with a primary caregiver, and they’re able to bring that acquired sense of security into their adult relationships. I call relationships between two anchors “secure functioning,” because both partners relate in mutually beneficial ways.
Islands, (23%) in contrast with anchors, have a hard time staying connected to their long-term romantic partners. In therapeutic language, we call this the “avoidant” type.
On the bright side, islands are often independent, highly creative, and accomplished adults. But they frequently feel trapped in primary romantic relationships — especially when the going gets tough. They prize solitude and fear being subsumed by another person’s wishes and needs.
Islands are threatened by conflict and drama; they’re more likely to withdraw, keep secrets, and fear being exposed by partners who encroach on their privacy. As a result, their companions often feel neglected, unimportant, and burdensome.
Though islands can seem antisocial or selfish, they are often reacting to early experiences when they felt neglected by their caregivers. Experience taught them to self-soothe rather than risk depending on anyone else for support.
Islands often want close relationships but are afraid of the responsibilities of another person; they fear being needed but not really wanted. Their defensiveness is largely unconscious, driven by the conditioning of their nervous systems and brains.
Waves, (15%) on the other hand, deeply desire connection with a partner. They’re usually generous people, and their passionate intensity can make them fun to be around. Yet most waves believe that true intimacy is not really possible, and they live in fear of abandonment, withdrawal, rejection, and punishment. While islands have a fear of dependency, the primary issue for waves — sometimes called “angry resistant” individuals — is dashed hope.
The partners of waves often feel like their relationships are roller-coaster rides. Waves tend to cling to their companions while also behaving in ways that can be hostile and distancing. Separations and reunions may trigger pushing their partners away, even as they want connection. This comes from fearing deeply what they most want: a truly intimate relationship.
As children, waves often experienced role reversal with at least one parent, who was likely to have been depressed, anxious, dependent, overwhelmed, or angry. They were charged with caring for that adult’s emotional well-being, and this meant their own needs for connection went unmet. So, as adults, when they reach out for connection, they expect to be disappointed. Their reflexive negativism is a defense against that disappointment. I call this an “allergy to hope.”
Style Update
We can all develop a more “anchored” way of relating, though it involves a shift in thinking for waves and islands, who tend to put their own needs first — out of insecurity. Anchored relating requires mutuality, or putting your partner and the relationship first. Secure-functioning couples create a social contract, implicitly or explicitly, that ensures fairness, equality, and sensitivity to each other’s needs.
Let’s look at one hypothetical couple. Jerome and Chris are in their early 30s with two young children. Both parents work, although Jerome is less likely to fulfill his share of the household responsibilities. His tendency to think of his own needs first is characteristic of an island. He’s frequently secretive about his needs and plans, while Chris’s reactions to their impasses are often fast and furious. This is typical of waves, who want connection yet expect disappointment.
Here’s a typical encounter: Chris tells Jerome after breakfast that he’ll have to pick up the kids that afternoon because of an unexpected meeting at work. Jerome refuses, speaking evasively about other plans, and finally admits — under pressure — that he has plans to golf with friends. Chris explodes and complains loudly of feeling neglected and disrespected, while Jerome snaps back and leaves the house, retreating — island-style — from any further drama.
This situation might sound hopeless, and it may not be realistic to think the relationship can be healed instantly, but there is a path to success for this couple.
For starters, they could find a more relaxed time to talk, with the goal of establishing some shared principles for their relationship — such as “we’re in this together” and “everybody’s time is valuable.” These principles can guide them toward more supportive ways to interact the next time they have conflicting needs.
The point is to learn to be there for each other instead of putting their individual needs into competition. Even if Jerome continues to have an island-like love of independence, and Chris remains passionate and intense, their interactions can move toward an anchor style. It might go like this:
- Chris could let Jerome know about the change in the day’s plans in a more soothing way that acknowledges both of their needs, such as: “Honey, I just got a text from my boss asking me to be on a call this afternoon. I’m afraid that means I can’t pick up the kids like we planned.”
- Jerome could show that he is able to read his partner and be there for Chris by saying, “You must really be annoyed!”
- Chris could encourage mutuality by acknowledging that the change is a disruption for them both.
- Jerome could be honest and direct about his needs, noting his preexisting golf plans.
- Chris could show a desire to be there for Jerome — maybe by offering to ask to be released from the meeting.
- Jerome could explicitly invoke the shared principles of their relationship and offer to do his part by canceling his golf plans.
- He might also vocalize his love for Chris, knowing that doing so is foundational to their ability to take care of each other.
A shared sense of purpose will give you something to rely on when difficulties arise; it will help you stay connected when you’re tempted to push each other away. Becoming each other’s anchor is worth the effort. It will make life’s stormy seas much easier to navigate.
3 Questions for Any Couple
As you discuss your relationship, with the goal of becoming more secure-functioning, ask each other three questions:
- What is our purpose as a couple?
- What principles of partnership do we both believe in?
- What do we do for each other that no one else could do?
Shared principles of partnership. When choosing your own principles, both of you must buy in and commit to follow-through, regardless of circumstances or feelings in a given moment. In other words, your agreed-upon principles must serve both a personal and a mutual good. For instance, my spouse and I have a shared principle that if either of us is in distress, the other will drop everything and help. We know how to pick each other up when we’re down and how to settle the other when unsettled, so we’ve agreed to do this without question.
Exclusive benefits. The third question sounds the most complex, but it’s probably the easiest to answer. What do you do for each other that no one else can do? There are as many answers for this question as there are couples in the world. So have fun with it.
This originally appeared as "Anchors, Islands, and Waves” in the June 2019 print issue of Experience Life.
From Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Stan Tatkin, (Jan 2, 2012)
ISLAND (Avoidant)Independent and self-reliant
Take good care of themselves Productive and creative, especially when given space Low maintenance |
ANCHOR (Secure)Secure as individuals
Willing to commit to fully share with another Generally happy people Adapt easily to the needs of the moment |
WAVE (Anxious)Generous and giving
Focused on taking care of others Happiest when around other people Able to see both sides of an issue |
ARE YOU AN ISLAND?I know how to take care of myself better than anyone else could.
I’m a do-it-yourself kind of person. I thrive when I can spend time in my own private sanctuary. If you upset me, I have to be by myself to calm down. I often feel my partner wants or needs something from me that I can’t give. I’m most relaxed when nobody else is around. I’m low maintenance, and I prefer a partner who also is low maintenance. |
ARE YOU AN ANCHOR?I’m fine by myself but I prefer the give-and-take of an intimate relationship.
I value my close relationships and will do what it takes to keep them in good condition. I get along with a wide variety of people. I love people, and people tend to love me. My close relationships aren’t fragile. Lots of physical contact and affection is fine with me. I’m equally relaxed when I’m with my partner and when I’m alone. Interruptions by my loved ones do not bother me. |
ARE YOU A WAVE?I take better care of others than I do of myself.
I often feel as though I’m giving and giving, and not getting anything back. I thrive on talking to and interacting with others. If you upset me, I have to talk in order to calm down. My partner tends to be rather selfish and self-centered. I’m most relaxed when I’m around my friends. Love relationships are ultimately disappointing and exhausting. You can never really depend on anyone. |
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP YOUR PARTNER IF THEY ARE AN ISLAND
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Vulnerability
Feeling intruded upon
Feeling trapped, out of control
Fear of too much intimacy
Fear of being blamed
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Antidote – what to do or say to your partner
Approach quietly, rather than calling your partner by name.
If your partner is busy, say, “I need to talk with you in a couple minutes." “Let me know if you’re ready." “I need a few minutes of your time, and then you can get back to what you’re doing.”
“I can see you’ve had enough. Run along and we’ll continue later.” “You have a couple of choices here.” Pay attention to your partner's discomfort of the level of intimacy. Ease into closeness.
“Do you want me to stop?” “Is this annoying you?” “I so appreciate what you did, but you were out of line in this case.”
“I understand why you did what you did. Your heart was in the right place.” “Look, it’s not (all) your fault. And if it were, that wouldn’t matter to me.” |
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP YOUR PARTNER IF THEY ARE A WAVE
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Vulnerability
Fear of being abandoned by you
Being separated from you
Discomfort being alone for too long
Feeling he or she is a burden
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Antidote – what to do or say to your partner
“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. You couldn’t get rid of me if you wanted to.”
“Please stay close to me. I want to be in close contact today.” “You are my tether.” Make use of technology, such as text messaging. Nothing elaborate, just “hi” or “loving you” or “ugh, bad meeting” or any pithy comment that suggests “I’m thinking about you.”
“I’m looking forward to our dinner together tonight. I can’t wait to hear about your day.”
“Call me if you need to talk.” “I promise I’ll call you as soon as we land, even if it’s too late.” “You’re no more of a burden to me than I am to you!”
“I love that we know exactly what to do to take care of each other.” “You are one burden I’ll always enjoy carrying.” |
From Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love
by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (Jan 5, 2012)
by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (Jan 5, 2012)
AVOIDANT (ISLAND)You are somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; you find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow yourself to depend on them. You are nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want you to be more intimate than you feel comfortable being.
You feel uncomfortable when things become too close and intimate and value your independence and freedom more than the relationship and don’t tend to worry about your partner’s feelings or commitment toward you.
You feel deep-rooted aloneness while in a relationship. You connect with romantic partners but always maintain some mental distance and an escape route. Feeling close and complete with someone else – the emotional equivalent of finding a home – is a condition that you find difficult to accept.
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SECURE (ANCHOR)You find it relatively easy to get close to others and are comfortable depending on them and having them depend on you. You don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to you.
You feel comfortable with intimacy with your romantic partner and don’t obsess much about the relationship or about your partner’s ability to love you back, but coast along with it.
You find it easy to accept your partners, flaws and all, to depend on them, and to believe that they’re special and unique.
You’re very reliable, consistent, and trustworthy. You don’t try to dodge intimacy or go nuts over your relationships. There’s very little drama in your romantic ties – no highs and lows, no yo-yos and roller coasters to speak of. You are attuned to your partner’s emotional and physical cues and know how to respond to them. Your emotional system doesn’t get too riled up in the face of threat (anxious) but doesn’t get shut down either (avoidant). You expect your partner to be loving and responsive and don’t worry much about losing your partner’s love. You feel extremely comfortable with intimacy and closeness and have an ability to communicate your needs and respond to your partner’s needs. |
ANXIOUS (WAVE)You find that others are reluctant to get as close as you would like. You often worry that your partner doesn’t really love you or won’t want to stay with you. You want to merge completely with another person and this desire sometimes scares people away.
You crave intimacy and closeness but have a lot of insecurities about where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does tend to set you off.
You possess a unique ability to sense when your relationship is threatened. Even a slight hint that something is wrong will activate your attachment system. You are unable to calm down until you get a clear indication from your partner that he or she is truly there for you and that the relationship is safe.
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If your partner is
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If your partner is
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If your partner is
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Attachment Style Cheat Sheet
AVOIDANT (ISLAND)Sends mixed signals
Values his/her independence greatly. Devalues you (or previous partners). Uses distancing strategies – emotional or physical Emphasizes boundaries in the relationship. Has an authentically romantic view of how a relationship should be. Mistrustful – fears being taken advantage of by partner. Has rigid view of relationships and uncompromising rules. During a disagreement, needs to get away or “explodes.” Doesn’t make his/her intentions clear. Has difficulty talking about what’s going on between you. |
SECURE (ANCHOR)Reliable and consistent
Makes decisions with you. Flexible view of relationships. Communicates relationship issues well. Can reach compromise during arguments. Not afraid of commitment or dependency. Doesn’t view relationships as hard work. Closeness creates further closeness. Introduces friends and family early on. Naturally expresses feelings for you. Doesn’t play games. |
ANXIOUS (WAVE)Wants a lot of closeness in the relationship
Expresses insecurities – worries about rejection Unhappy when not in a relationship. Plays games to keep your attention/interest. Has difficulty explaining what’s bothering him/her Expects you to guess. Acts out. Has a hard time not making things about him/herself in the relationship. Let’s you set the tone of the relationship. Is preoccupied with the relationship. Fears that small acts will ruin the relationship, believes s/he must work hard to keep your interest. Suspicious that you may be unfaithful. |
What does a baby's attachment style look like?
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When mommy leaves the room, the avoidant baby acts as though nothing has happened. Upon her return, she remains unmoved, ignores her mom, and continues to play indifferently. But this façade doesn’t tell the whole story. In fact, inside, baby is neither calm nor collected. Researchers have found that these babies’ heart rates are actually just as elevated as other babies who express immense distress, and their cortisol levels – a stress hormone – are high.
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The secure baby is visibly distressed when mommy leaves the room. When mother returns, he is very happy and eager to greet her. Once in the safety of her presence, he is quick to be reassured, calm down and resume play activity.
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The anxious baby becomes extremely distressed when mommy leaves the room. When her mother returns, she reacts ambivalently – she is happy to see her but angry at the same time. She takes longer to calm down, and even when she does, it is only temporary. A few seconds later, she’ll angrily push mommy away, wriggle down, and burst into tears again.
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AVOIDANT (ISLAND) ATTACHMENT STYLE
DE-ACTIVATING STRATEGIES
Methods to disengage from your partner. Behavior or thought to squelch intimacy.
Methods to disengage from your partner. Behavior or thought to squelch intimacy.
- Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit” but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years.
- Focusing on small imperfections in your partner: the way s/he talks, dresses eats, or _______, and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings.
- Pining after an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend.
- Flirting with others – a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship.
- Not saying, “I love you” while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person.
- Pulling away when things are going well (not calling for several days after an intimate date)
- Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as someone who is married.
- “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking to you.
- Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy to maintain your feeling of independence.
- Avoiding physical closeness (not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.
Thought Patterns That Leave You Out in the Cold
Mistaking Self-Reliance for Independence
Belief in self-reliance – and feeling alone because of it – is closely linked with a low degree of discomfort with intimacy and closeness. Avoidant individuals are found to have a great deal of confidence about not needing anyone else, but this belief comes with a price tag. They scored lowest on every measure of closeness in personal relationships; they were less willing to engage in self-disclosure, less comfortable with intimacy, and also less likely to seek help from others. Even though it’s important for each of us to be able to stand on our own two feet, if we overrate self-reliance, we diminish the importance of getting support from others, cutting ourselves off from an important lifeline. It forces you to ignore the needs of your partner and concentrate only on your needs.
Seeing the Worm Instead of the Apple
Avoidant types tend to see the glass half empty instead of half full when it comes to their partner. This pattern is driven by a generally dismissive attitude toward connectedness. When something occurs that contradicts this perspective – such as their spouse behaving in a genuinely caring and loving manner – they are prone to ignoring the behavior, or at least diminishing its value.
Having an avoidant attachment style can make you feel like you can’t figure out how to read your partner. You’re not strong at translating the many verbal signals you receive into a coherent understanding of your partner’s mental state. Along with your self-reliant attitude, you also train yourself not to care about how the person closest to you is feeling. You figure that this is not your task; that they need to take care of their own emotional well-being. This lack of understanding leads partners of avoidants to complain about not receiving enough emotional support. It also leads to less connectedness, warmth and satisfaction in the relationship.
The Phantom Ex
One of the consequences of devaluing your romantic relationship is that you often wake up long after the relationship has gone stale, having forgotten all those negative things that annoyed you about your partner, wondering what went wrong and reminiscing longingly about your long-lost love. Once at a safe distance, the threat of intimacy is gone and you no longer feel the need to suppress your true feelings. Sometimes you do try to resume the relationship, starting a vicious cycle of getting closer and withdrawing. Other times, you may not get back together but continue to think about him or her incessantly. This fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships because it blocks you from getting close to someone else,
The Power of “The One”
After you have been with someone for a while whom you think is amazing, you may become overwhelmed with the feeling that s/he isn’t actually so hot after all. You start to notice little things that you don’t like. You feel suffocated and want to take a step back. This is in reality a deactivating strategy, unconsciously triggered to turn off your attachment needs. You conclude that you’re just not in love enough so you pull away. Your partner is crushed and protests, but this only strengthens your conviction that s/he is not “the one.” You continue your search for a mate believing that if you find “the one,” you’ll effortlessly connect at a totally different level.
Mistaking Self-Reliance for Independence
Belief in self-reliance – and feeling alone because of it – is closely linked with a low degree of discomfort with intimacy and closeness. Avoidant individuals are found to have a great deal of confidence about not needing anyone else, but this belief comes with a price tag. They scored lowest on every measure of closeness in personal relationships; they were less willing to engage in self-disclosure, less comfortable with intimacy, and also less likely to seek help from others. Even though it’s important for each of us to be able to stand on our own two feet, if we overrate self-reliance, we diminish the importance of getting support from others, cutting ourselves off from an important lifeline. It forces you to ignore the needs of your partner and concentrate only on your needs.
Seeing the Worm Instead of the Apple
Avoidant types tend to see the glass half empty instead of half full when it comes to their partner. This pattern is driven by a generally dismissive attitude toward connectedness. When something occurs that contradicts this perspective – such as their spouse behaving in a genuinely caring and loving manner – they are prone to ignoring the behavior, or at least diminishing its value.
Having an avoidant attachment style can make you feel like you can’t figure out how to read your partner. You’re not strong at translating the many verbal signals you receive into a coherent understanding of your partner’s mental state. Along with your self-reliant attitude, you also train yourself not to care about how the person closest to you is feeling. You figure that this is not your task; that they need to take care of their own emotional well-being. This lack of understanding leads partners of avoidants to complain about not receiving enough emotional support. It also leads to less connectedness, warmth and satisfaction in the relationship.
The Phantom Ex
One of the consequences of devaluing your romantic relationship is that you often wake up long after the relationship has gone stale, having forgotten all those negative things that annoyed you about your partner, wondering what went wrong and reminiscing longingly about your long-lost love. Once at a safe distance, the threat of intimacy is gone and you no longer feel the need to suppress your true feelings. Sometimes you do try to resume the relationship, starting a vicious cycle of getting closer and withdrawing. Other times, you may not get back together but continue to think about him or her incessantly. This fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships because it blocks you from getting close to someone else,
The Power of “The One”
After you have been with someone for a while whom you think is amazing, you may become overwhelmed with the feeling that s/he isn’t actually so hot after all. You start to notice little things that you don’t like. You feel suffocated and want to take a step back. This is in reality a deactivating strategy, unconsciously triggered to turn off your attachment needs. You conclude that you’re just not in love enough so you pull away. Your partner is crushed and protests, but this only strengthens your conviction that s/he is not “the one.” You continue your search for a mate believing that if you find “the one,” you’ll effortlessly connect at a totally different level.
EIGHT THINGS YOU CAN DO TO STOP PUSHING LOVE AWAY
- Learn to identify deactivating strategies
- Don’t act on impulse.
- Are all those small imperfections you are noticing really your attachment system’s way of making you step back?
- You need intimacy despite your discomfort with it.
- De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support.
- When your partner feels s/he has a secure base and you don’t feel the need to distance, you’ll both be better able to look outward and do your own thing.
- You’ll become more independent and your partner will be less needy.
- Find a secure partner.
- People with secure attachment styles ten dot make their anxious and avoidant partners more secure as well.
- You’ll experience less defensiveness, less fighting, less anguish.
- Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.
- Negative views of your partner’s behaviors and intentions infuse bad vibes into the relationship.
- Remind yourself that you chose this partner and you’re better off trusting that they do have your best interests at heart.
- Make a relationship gratitude list.
- Remind yourself on a daily basis that you tend to think negatively of your partner.
- Your objective should be to notice the positive in your partner’s actions.
- Every day list at least one way your partner contributed to your well-being and why you’re grateful they’re in your life.
- Nix the phantom ex.
- When you find yourself idealizing that one special ex-partner, stop and acknowledge that he or she is not a viable option.
- Admit that you were leery of committing and stop using him or her as a deactivating strategy and focus on something new.
- Forget about “the one.”
- You have to be an active party in finding your soul mate.
- Don’t wait until “the one” who fits your checklist shows up and then expect everything to fall into place.
- Make them into your soul mate by choosing them out of the crowd, allowing them to get close and making them a special part of your life.
- Adopt the distraction strategy.
- As an avoidant, it’s easier to get close to your partner if there’s a distraction.
- Focusing on other things (taking a hike, going sailing, preparing a meal) will allow you to let your guard down and make it easier to access your loving feelings.
ANXIOUS (WAVE) ATTACHMENT STYLE
ACTIVATING STRATEGIES
Thoughts and feelings that compel you to seek closeness with your partner.
Thoughts and feelings that compel you to seek closeness with your partner.
- Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other things.
- Remembering only their good qualities.
- Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents and abilities and overestimating theirs.
- An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them.
- Believing this is your only chance for love. “I’m only compatible with very few people – what are the chances I’ll find another person like him/her?” “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.”
PROTEST BEHAVIOR - LETTING YOUR ATTACHMENT SYSTEM GET THE BEST OF YOU
Protesting behavior is any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention.
Protesting behavior is any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention.
- Excessive attempts to reestablish contact:
- Calling, texting, or e-mailing many times, waiting for a phone call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in hopes of running into him/her.
- Withdrawing
- Sitting silently “engrossed” in the partner, literally turning your back on you partner, not speaking, talking with other people on the phone and ignoring him/her.
- Keeping score
- Paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting just as long to return theirs; waiting for them to make the first “make up” move and acting distant until such time.
- Acting hostile
- Rolling your eyes when they speak. Looking away, getting up and leaving the room while they’re talking (acting hostile can transgress to outright violence at times).
- Threatening to leave
- Making threats –
- “We’re not getting along. I don’t think I can do this anymore.
- “I knew we weren’t really right for each other.”
- “I’ll be better off without you”
- All the while hoping s/he will stop you from leaving.
- Making threats –
- Manipulation
- Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t.
- Making him/her feel jealous
- Making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going out with friends to a singles bar, telling your partner about someone who hit on you today.
ANXIOUS ATTRACTED TO AVOIDANT – THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER
An avoidant person’s subtle indicators of uncertainty and unavailability will make you feel insecure. Every time you get mixed messages, your attachment system is activated and you become preoccupied with the relationship. But then he gives you attention and your elated. But soon the messages become mixed again. You live in suspense, anticipating the next small remark that will reassure you. You start to equate this cycle (anxiety, preoccupation, obsession, bursts of joy) with love. You equate an activated attachment system with passion. You become programmed to get attracted to those very individuals who are least likely to make you happy.
An avoidant person’s subtle indicators of uncertainty and unavailability will make you feel insecure. Every time you get mixed messages, your attachment system is activated and you become preoccupied with the relationship. But then he gives you attention and your elated. But soon the messages become mixed again. You live in suspense, anticipating the next small remark that will reassure you. You start to equate this cycle (anxiety, preoccupation, obsession, bursts of joy) with love. You equate an activated attachment system with passion. You become programmed to get attracted to those very individuals who are least likely to make you happy.
IF YOU ARE ANXIOUS (WAVE)You want closeness and intimacy.
You are very sensitive to any signs of rejection (vigilant attachment system). You find it hard to tell them directly what you need and what’s bothering you (effective communication), and use protest behaviors instead. You need to be reassured and feel loved. Your need to know exactly where you stand in the relationship. |
AVOIDANT (ISLAND) RESPONSEThey want to maintain some distance, emotional and/or physical.
They send mixed signals that often come across as rejecting. They are bad at reading your verbal and nonverbal cues and don’t think it’s their responsibility to do so. They tend to put you down to create distance as a means to deactivate their attachment system. They prefer to keep things fuzzy. Even if your relationship is very serious, some question marks still remain. |
SECURE (ANCHOR) RESPONSEThey are comfortable with closeness and don’t try to push you away.
They are very consistent and reliable and won’t send mixed messages that will upset you. If you become distressed, they know how to reassure you. They see your well-being as a top priority and do their best to read your verbal and nonverbal cues. They feel comfortable telling you how they feel, very early on, in a consistent manner. They are very stable; they also feel comfortable with commitment. |
SECURE (ANCHOR) ATTACHMENT STYLE
- Great conflict busters – During a fight they don’t feel the need to act defensively or to injure or punish their partner and so prevent the situation from escalating.
- Mentally flexible – They are not threatened by criticism. They’re willing to reconsider their ways, and if necessary, revise their beliefs and strategies.
- Effective communicators – They expect others to be understanding and responsive, so expressing their feelings freely and accurately comes naturally.
- Not game players – They want closeness and believe other want the same, so why play games.
- Comfortable with closeness, unconcerned about boundaries – They seek intimacy and aren’t afraid of being “enmeshed.” Because they aren’t overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted (as are the anxious) or the need to deactivate (as are the avoidants), they find it easy to enjoy closeness, whether physical or emotional.
- Quick to forgive – They assume their partners’ intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive them when they do something hurtful.
- Inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one – They don’t need to create distance by separating the two (by being close either emotionally or sexually but not both).
- Treat their partners like royalty—When you’ve become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect.
- Secure in their power to improve the relationship – They are confident in their positive beliefs about themselves and others, which makes this assumption logical.
- Responsible for their partners’ well-being – They expect others to be responsive and loving toward them and so are responsive to others’ needs.