7 DAYS TO BETTER FIGHTS by Stan Tatkin
Day 1: Face to face and eye to eye
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You'll learn how to:
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You'll need:
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Welcome to Day 1 of How to Fight Well. Ready to get started? Before we jump into the exercise below, I want to congratulate you both for fighting for your relationship and doing what it takes to repair the couple bubble that surrounds the two of you.
Your partner is in your care. It is your job to observe and take care of your partner and adjust your behavior so you can be better understood, soothe your partner, and ensure their emotional safety.
When you and your partner are in conflict, go face to face in close proximity to one another so you can read facial and body cues alongside your partner’s words. This helps us constantly and continuously detect when you and your partner misunderstand and misperceive each other.
We make more of these errors when we are under more stress. We become legally blind on the sides of our eyes and, because we have visually-oriented brains, we should remain directly in front of one another in order to read each other’s social-emotional cues in real time (which is really very fast).
Also, the threat areas of our brain trigger more vigorously when we see faces at a glance or from the side. The visual field can help correct communication errors that occur with just speech and vocal cues alone. Under stress, partner error rate will still go way up due to changes in the brain and body.
Though the idea may seem counter-intuitive, keep your eyes up and in the lightning fast “game” in front of you. No time to drop out, go into your head, and lose track of your stressed partner.
Your partner is in your care. It is your job to observe and take care of your partner and adjust your behavior so you can be better understood, soothe your partner, and ensure their emotional safety.
When you and your partner are in conflict, go face to face in close proximity to one another so you can read facial and body cues alongside your partner’s words. This helps us constantly and continuously detect when you and your partner misunderstand and misperceive each other.
We make more of these errors when we are under more stress. We become legally blind on the sides of our eyes and, because we have visually-oriented brains, we should remain directly in front of one another in order to read each other’s social-emotional cues in real time (which is really very fast).
Also, the threat areas of our brain trigger more vigorously when we see faces at a glance or from the side. The visual field can help correct communication errors that occur with just speech and vocal cues alone. Under stress, partner error rate will still go way up due to changes in the brain and body.
Though the idea may seem counter-intuitive, keep your eyes up and in the lightning fast “game” in front of you. No time to drop out, go into your head, and lose track of your stressed partner.
The Exercise
Your object of meditation is your partner’s moment-by-moment facial shifts and changes. If your mind wanders to thoughts (about the past, the present, or the future), bring your attention back to the visual, noticing of any and all changes in your partner’s face:
After about a minute or two, use your index finger to note any sign of change in your partner’s face by gently tapping on your own thigh. Do not be obvious about this. Doing so will affect your partner. Tap every time you notice even the slightest change.
Do NOT interpret what you see! Just notice and tap: change...change...change. If you find yourself not tapping for a while, consider that your mind has wandered. Simply bring it back and continue to tap every time to notice a change.
If your partner’s face appears unchanging, just keep focusing your eyes and notice the stillness, or, look more closely. If your partner is alive, something is changing in the above areas. Consider this: with each thought, our face changes, muscles tense, blood flow is altered. Your job is to notice.
Try this exercise multiple times. It should become mutually relaxing after an initial period of arousal, self-consciousness, or other amplification of emotion.
- Spend at least 5-10 minutes on this meditative exercise.
- Use a timer with a gentle alarm.
- Choose any time to practice this.
- Sit facing each other 3-4 feet apart in good lighting and at similar eye level.
Your object of meditation is your partner’s moment-by-moment facial shifts and changes. If your mind wanders to thoughts (about the past, the present, or the future), bring your attention back to the visual, noticing of any and all changes in your partner’s face:
- Skin coloration (blood flow)
- Muscular tightening or loosening
- Facial controls (fixed expression, jerkiness, unusual stillness)
- Eye movements
- Pupil constriction/dilation
- Blinking
After about a minute or two, use your index finger to note any sign of change in your partner’s face by gently tapping on your own thigh. Do not be obvious about this. Doing so will affect your partner. Tap every time you notice even the slightest change.
Do NOT interpret what you see! Just notice and tap: change...change...change. If you find yourself not tapping for a while, consider that your mind has wandered. Simply bring it back and continue to tap every time to notice a change.
If your partner’s face appears unchanging, just keep focusing your eyes and notice the stillness, or, look more closely. If your partner is alive, something is changing in the above areas. Consider this: with each thought, our face changes, muscles tense, blood flow is altered. Your job is to notice.
Try this exercise multiple times. It should become mutually relaxing after an initial period of arousal, self-consciousness, or other amplification of emotion.
- DO work with your own discomfort with sustained eye contact.
- DO stay with your partner and keep your eyes focused.
- DO enjoy this exercise while also taking it seriously.
- DON’T break the rules of this exercise.
Day 2: Building Resistance to Stressful Language and Expressions
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You’ll learn how to:
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You’ll need:
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Congratulations, you made it through Day 1. Let’s now build on what you learned yesterday to strengthen your conflict resolution skills.
We would all like to control external forces to maintain a constant sense of peace, calm, safety, and ease. Yet, the external world is mostly noncompliant with our wishes. It’s cold when we want to be warm. It rains when we want to remain dry.
Like the weather, our partner exists in the outer world and, as such, often fails to meet our internal requirements, particularly when it comes to small-t threats. Big-T threats amount to physical, verbal, emotional abuse. And if that is your situation, I implore you to seek help -- here are some resources.
Small-t threats are more commonplace words, phrases, facial expressions, gestures, postures, and movements we perceive as threatening. Most often, perceived small-t threats are recent, mid- to long-term, and memory-based. These threat cues range in intensity depending upon one’s current state of mind.
The following practices allow both partners to experiment working somatically (with the body) when presented with preplanned and expected threat cues. A threat cue -- whether through visual, auditory, or kinesthetic sense perception -- can be experienced as a clapper striking a bell. The body experiences the initial attack through the senses and then, if the mind remains attentive and accepting, the body will experience the subsequent waves until they fade.
Think of these exercises as a laboratory for working with your emotional reactions, so be patient with yourselves.
We would all like to control external forces to maintain a constant sense of peace, calm, safety, and ease. Yet, the external world is mostly noncompliant with our wishes. It’s cold when we want to be warm. It rains when we want to remain dry.
Like the weather, our partner exists in the outer world and, as such, often fails to meet our internal requirements, particularly when it comes to small-t threats. Big-T threats amount to physical, verbal, emotional abuse. And if that is your situation, I implore you to seek help -- here are some resources.
Small-t threats are more commonplace words, phrases, facial expressions, gestures, postures, and movements we perceive as threatening. Most often, perceived small-t threats are recent, mid- to long-term, and memory-based. These threat cues range in intensity depending upon one’s current state of mind.
The following practices allow both partners to experiment working somatically (with the body) when presented with preplanned and expected threat cues. A threat cue -- whether through visual, auditory, or kinesthetic sense perception -- can be experienced as a clapper striking a bell. The body experiences the initial attack through the senses and then, if the mind remains attentive and accepting, the body will experience the subsequent waves until they fade.
Think of these exercises as a laboratory for working with your emotional reactions, so be patient with yourselves.
The Exercise:
During a period of calm, each of you make a brief list of words or phrases your partner uses that causes you distress. When you are finished with your list, give it to your partner. This is NOT a time to discuss the lists.
STEP 1:
STEP 2:
Sit face to face and go eye to eye as you did in your Day 1 exercise. This time, decide which of you will be Partner A and which will be Partner B. (The first part of this exercise is to avoid arguing over this matter ) Set the timer for 5-10 minutes.
STEP 3:
Take the first two or three minutes (at least) to settle as you both remain silent, still, and outwardly focused. Your object of this meditation is your partner’s face and eyes. Continuously scan your partner for any shifts and changes.
At the same time, scan your own body for any tensions that are present and, as best you can, soften or relax or let go...or simply allow tension to exist. If your mind wanders to thoughts about the exercise, about yourself, about the past or the future, bring your attention back to your partner’s face and eyes.
STEP 4:
After a few minutes of settling into this meditation, take each other's lists and begin the following one-word activity. Remember, despite the lack of conversation, you are still in each other's care!
Partner A: Say ONLY the first item on your partner’s list. When speaking the word or phrase, do so without reading from the list. In other words, keep your eyes on your mate. Say the word/phrase and then WAIT and WATCH your partner closely. Notice every change -- pupils, blinking, eye movements, skin coloration, muscle tightening/loosening, muscle twitching...anything and everything. Do NOT speak further!
Partner B: When hearing your partner’s spoken word/phrase, KEEP YOUR VISUAL ATTENTION outward and relax your body. Scan for any body sensations or tensions that arise and, as best you can, soften those areas or simply accept and allow body sensations to rise and fade without interference. If your mind wanders into thought, images, memory, or prediction, BRING YOUR VISUAL ATTENTION back to your partner’s face and eyes while relaxing your body from head to toe. Wait for your body to reset itself back to neutral as you notice and allow body sensations to rise and fade.
STEP 5:
Partner B: If and when your body has fully reset itself to neutral, you may, if you wish, ask Partner A to say the same word/phrase as you repeat the above instruction. Just say, “Again,” to Partner A.
If you so choose, you can continue to rerun this process repeatedly until your body’s reaction to the word/phrase is felt as lessened, weaker, faded.
If you wish to stop this round, simply say, “Done.”
Partner A: When your partner says, “Done,” apologize for saying the word/phrase. Do this while maintaining visual attention and presence with your partner.
Finish this exercise by standing and BOWING TO EACH OTHER. You may think this silly…do it anyway. Trust me on this one.
Bowing is a physical expression of respect, humility, and friendliness. Try it together and experience it for yourselves. Hugging, kissing, shaking hands -- friendly though they may be -- all express starkly different sentiments than does bowing. There is a reason this simple gesture has existed for centuries between persons and toward deities. We might find ourselves able to imagine the Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote bowing out after a full day of trying to eliminate the other.
STEP 6:
Same as above but now reverse the action. Again, choose the first item on your partner’s list.
Now, you may wonder how you’re going to get through each other’s lists. This isn’t about dealing with every word or phrase that is bothersome, irritating, hurtful, or threatening (though you may choose to go through both lists if you find it helpful). The exercise is about slowing everything down, noticing the effect that words and phrases have on your partner and on you and how to work with these effects without immediately acting on them in either direction.
VARIATIONS ON YOUR DAY 2 EXERCISE
Do the very same exercise as above except, instead of words or phrases, play with facial expressions, gestures, vocal utterances, vocal volume, or vocal tone.
Each exercise should focus on one of the above nonverbal behaviors from your partner’s brief list.
Facial expressions list might include:
Gestures list might include:
During a period of calm, each of you make a brief list of words or phrases your partner uses that causes you distress. When you are finished with your list, give it to your partner. This is NOT a time to discuss the lists.
STEP 1:
- DO take the following process seriously.
- DO go slowly and follow the steps carefully.
- DO quickly repair any perceived injury or misunderstanding.
- DON’T go into your own head and be out of the moment.
- DON’T allow your eyes to wander away from your partner’s face and eyes.
STEP 2:
Sit face to face and go eye to eye as you did in your Day 1 exercise. This time, decide which of you will be Partner A and which will be Partner B. (The first part of this exercise is to avoid arguing over this matter ) Set the timer for 5-10 minutes.
STEP 3:
Take the first two or three minutes (at least) to settle as you both remain silent, still, and outwardly focused. Your object of this meditation is your partner’s face and eyes. Continuously scan your partner for any shifts and changes.
At the same time, scan your own body for any tensions that are present and, as best you can, soften or relax or let go...or simply allow tension to exist. If your mind wanders to thoughts about the exercise, about yourself, about the past or the future, bring your attention back to your partner’s face and eyes.
STEP 4:
After a few minutes of settling into this meditation, take each other's lists and begin the following one-word activity. Remember, despite the lack of conversation, you are still in each other's care!
Partner A: Say ONLY the first item on your partner’s list. When speaking the word or phrase, do so without reading from the list. In other words, keep your eyes on your mate. Say the word/phrase and then WAIT and WATCH your partner closely. Notice every change -- pupils, blinking, eye movements, skin coloration, muscle tightening/loosening, muscle twitching...anything and everything. Do NOT speak further!
Partner B: When hearing your partner’s spoken word/phrase, KEEP YOUR VISUAL ATTENTION outward and relax your body. Scan for any body sensations or tensions that arise and, as best you can, soften those areas or simply accept and allow body sensations to rise and fade without interference. If your mind wanders into thought, images, memory, or prediction, BRING YOUR VISUAL ATTENTION back to your partner’s face and eyes while relaxing your body from head to toe. Wait for your body to reset itself back to neutral as you notice and allow body sensations to rise and fade.
STEP 5:
Partner B: If and when your body has fully reset itself to neutral, you may, if you wish, ask Partner A to say the same word/phrase as you repeat the above instruction. Just say, “Again,” to Partner A.
If you so choose, you can continue to rerun this process repeatedly until your body’s reaction to the word/phrase is felt as lessened, weaker, faded.
If you wish to stop this round, simply say, “Done.”
Partner A: When your partner says, “Done,” apologize for saying the word/phrase. Do this while maintaining visual attention and presence with your partner.
Finish this exercise by standing and BOWING TO EACH OTHER. You may think this silly…do it anyway. Trust me on this one.
Bowing is a physical expression of respect, humility, and friendliness. Try it together and experience it for yourselves. Hugging, kissing, shaking hands -- friendly though they may be -- all express starkly different sentiments than does bowing. There is a reason this simple gesture has existed for centuries between persons and toward deities. We might find ourselves able to imagine the Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote bowing out after a full day of trying to eliminate the other.
STEP 6:
Same as above but now reverse the action. Again, choose the first item on your partner’s list.
Now, you may wonder how you’re going to get through each other’s lists. This isn’t about dealing with every word or phrase that is bothersome, irritating, hurtful, or threatening (though you may choose to go through both lists if you find it helpful). The exercise is about slowing everything down, noticing the effect that words and phrases have on your partner and on you and how to work with these effects without immediately acting on them in either direction.
VARIATIONS ON YOUR DAY 2 EXERCISE
Do the very same exercise as above except, instead of words or phrases, play with facial expressions, gestures, vocal utterances, vocal volume, or vocal tone.
Each exercise should focus on one of the above nonverbal behaviors from your partner’s brief list.
Facial expressions list might include:
- Flat or no expression
- Eye rolling, eyebrow lifting
- Nose flaring
- Lip pursing
- Looking down or away
- Looking distracted or looking down at your device
- Anger
- Disdain
- Disgust
- Dismissiveness
Gestures list might include:
- Waving of a hand dismissively
- Pointing a finger at your partner
- Flipping off your partner
- Putting your hands up, suggesting “Stop”
- Pushing your hands downward, suggesting “Calm down” or “Lower your voice”
- Gesturing, suggesting “I’m out of here”
- Head in hand(s), suggesting “Here we go again” or “I can’t believe this”
- “Ugh”
- “Oh God”
- “Ho boy”
- “Sigh” (big one)
Day 3: How to Construct Actionable Relief for Your Partner
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You’ll need:
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Congratulations, you made it to Day 3. You're really in the flow now, so stay with me. How well did you process and accept what your partner had to say about the words and expressions on yesterday's lists? What will each of you do today that's more caring and supportive of the other? Are you ready to feel better? Make today the day. As you both stay open and alert, you'll become more attuned to repairing and reconnecting.
Here we are learning to be honorable adults, capable of taking responsibility for ourselves and our own behavior.
This idea is not to be confused with getting our partner to take responsibility for their behavior. The fear of being humble -- to fall on our own swords, to apologize for our part -- arises out of an insecure family background and an insecure-functioning partner attachment relationship. We believe we’ve been treated unfairly or insensitively -- that the other will get away with something if we admit to our own insensitive or unjust behaviors.
The following exercise is a vital tool in your conflict resolution toolkit. But make no mistake, each of these exercises rely on a shift in attitude, a new model for interacting. Tools become worthless if their purpose is forgotten or dismissed as serving a higher meaning.
Often I hear partners say, “I don’t know how to fix things with my mate,” or “I’m not very good at apologizing.” None of these types of limiting statements are true. Our particular culture provides us guidelines on what we can and cannot do. Change the culture, behavior changes as well.
Willingness to repair or apologize for your part without adding your reasons, context, excuses, or motivations, requires humility and character.
Good luck! The exercises are getting harder, but the payoffs are growing too.
Here we are learning to be honorable adults, capable of taking responsibility for ourselves and our own behavior.
This idea is not to be confused with getting our partner to take responsibility for their behavior. The fear of being humble -- to fall on our own swords, to apologize for our part -- arises out of an insecure family background and an insecure-functioning partner attachment relationship. We believe we’ve been treated unfairly or insensitively -- that the other will get away with something if we admit to our own insensitive or unjust behaviors.
The following exercise is a vital tool in your conflict resolution toolkit. But make no mistake, each of these exercises rely on a shift in attitude, a new model for interacting. Tools become worthless if their purpose is forgotten or dismissed as serving a higher meaning.
Often I hear partners say, “I don’t know how to fix things with my mate,” or “I’m not very good at apologizing.” None of these types of limiting statements are true. Our particular culture provides us guidelines on what we can and cannot do. Change the culture, behavior changes as well.
Willingness to repair or apologize for your part without adding your reasons, context, excuses, or motivations, requires humility and character.
Good luck! The exercises are getting harder, but the payoffs are growing too.
The Exercise
For this exercise, once again, pick a time when you both feel relaxed and alert. Make sure you stay connected. Look at each other’s face, eyes, and other physical cues that evidence relief and satisfaction.
STEP 1:
Partner A will start with a minor complaint about Partner B that has occurred in the past week.
This complaint can be something Partner A has perceived as unfair, insensitive, hurtful, disappointing, aggravating, threatening -- something negative. Focus on a single, specific event that was hurtful.
STEP 2:
Partner B, the one receiving the complaint, must respond by offering 3 different apologies and options for relief to the Partner A to their satisfaction without delay, explanation, opposition, or qualification.
As in the other exercise, Partner B looks to Partner A’s face, eyes, and other physical cues that evidence relief and satisfaction. DO NOT rely on verbal replies and DO NOT ask your partner if they feel relieved or satisfied. Remember, you are learning how to read your partner better. This takes time and practice.
STEP 3:
On paper, each partner writes which answer they think was most relieving.
Partner B writes down which of the 3 options they observed the most relief from. Partner A writes down which solution was the most satisfactory to them.
The partners can compare and discuss their answers. When you are reading your partner correctly, your answers will align.
STEP 4:
Now switch roles and play by the exact same rules, repeating Steps 1-3.
STEP 5:
If you find that this exercise is particularly difficult and your choices don’t align, do it again. Do it repeatedly until it is no longer difficult and your answers align regularly.
For this exercise, once again, pick a time when you both feel relaxed and alert. Make sure you stay connected. Look at each other’s face, eyes, and other physical cues that evidence relief and satisfaction.
- DO focus on what you are doing or did wrong, not your partner.
- DO talk less and DO more to help your partner in the moment.
- DO what’s right over what feels good; the right thing emerges from your shared couple vision and shared principles of right behavior.
- DON’T explain yourself, your intentions, or your reasons.
- DON’T use phrases like, “I’m working on it,” or “I’m trying,” or “I want to do that.”
STEP 1:
Partner A will start with a minor complaint about Partner B that has occurred in the past week.
This complaint can be something Partner A has perceived as unfair, insensitive, hurtful, disappointing, aggravating, threatening -- something negative. Focus on a single, specific event that was hurtful.
- DON’T be overly general.
- DON’T bring up past issues.
- DON’T criticize a personality trait.
- DON’T get too serious with this exercise.
- Do NOT bring up more than one complaint.
- “You hurt my feelings last night when you didn’t come to bed when you said you would.”
- “I hate it when you talk on the phone when I’m sitting around waiting for you to be with me.”
- “I can’t stand it when you’re judgy about what I choose to eat.”
- “I didn’t appreciate you yelling at me this morning.”
- “I don’t feel in love with you any longer.”
- “I’m still not okay with you cheating on me.”
- “I wish you were younger/more successful/in better shape.”
- “You need to drink less.”
- “I’m unhappy with the amount of sex we have.”
STEP 2:
Partner B, the one receiving the complaint, must respond by offering 3 different apologies and options for relief to the Partner A to their satisfaction without delay, explanation, opposition, or qualification.
As in the other exercise, Partner B looks to Partner A’s face, eyes, and other physical cues that evidence relief and satisfaction. DO NOT rely on verbal replies and DO NOT ask your partner if they feel relieved or satisfied. Remember, you are learning how to read your partner better. This takes time and practice.
- Do NOT blame your partner if you become frustrated or think you’re failing. They’ll soon have their try at the same task.
- Do NOT launch into justifications, punishment, or the flip side -- as much as either partner might be tempted. The skill to practice is stopping here.
- “I’m so sorry I didn’t come to bed like I promised. No excuses. I’ll be there on time tonight and, as a bonus, rub your feet?”
- “Okay. Got it. I know it bugs you and it’s rude, I know. I’m sorry. Should we come up with a policy when either of us is on the phone and ignoring each other?”
- “Sorry about that. I know I keep doing it. How about this? Next time I act judgy, tell me to back off, and I’ll do it.”
- “I know. Forgive me. I shouldn’t have yelled. You can tell me to lower my voice next time, if you’d like. I can’t hear myself so I’ll need you to help me.”
STEP 3:
On paper, each partner writes which answer they think was most relieving.
Partner B writes down which of the 3 options they observed the most relief from. Partner A writes down which solution was the most satisfactory to them.
The partners can compare and discuss their answers. When you are reading your partner correctly, your answers will align.
STEP 4:
Now switch roles and play by the exact same rules, repeating Steps 1-3.
STEP 5:
If you find that this exercise is particularly difficult and your choices don’t align, do it again. Do it repeatedly until it is no longer difficult and your answers align regularly.
Day 4: How to Resolve Conflict Quickly and Stick to One Issue at a Time
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You'll learn how to:
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You'll need:
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We are going to pick up the pace and try something a little different today. The goal of this game is to move something forward -- get something done -- for now. If we work quickly to get something accomplished for now that relieves us both, we can move on and not have our hours, days, or weeks ruined.
In couples, we have a saying: there are no angels and no devils. Where there is one, there’s always the other. In matters of interaction, both partners are responsible for remaining orderly, staying on task, and maintaining each other’s continuous sense of safety and security.
When either you or your partner are under stress or are in distress, what I cover in Exercise 1 through 4 is absolutely vital to co-managing distress and to co-management of distress.
Let’s be clear, co-management of distress includes the effective mitigation of runaway threat perception by either partner. This responsibility is on both of you. During conflict, if your relationship car keeps going off the cliff, it’s on both of you. You are both accountable for this Groundhog’s Day recurrence. NOTE: If either of you believes the fault always lies with the other, think again.
In couples, we have a saying: there are no angels and no devils. Where there is one, there’s always the other. In matters of interaction, both partners are responsible for remaining orderly, staying on task, and maintaining each other’s continuous sense of safety and security.
When either you or your partner are under stress or are in distress, what I cover in Exercise 1 through 4 is absolutely vital to co-managing distress and to co-management of distress.
Let’s be clear, co-management of distress includes the effective mitigation of runaway threat perception by either partner. This responsibility is on both of you. During conflict, if your relationship car keeps going off the cliff, it’s on both of you. You are both accountable for this Groundhog’s Day recurrence. NOTE: If either of you believes the fault always lies with the other, think again.
The Exercise
STEP 1: Choose a Household Issue
For this exercise, choose a mutually relaxed moment and work collaboratively to choose a single household issue or annoyance around chores, day-to-day responsibilities, cleanliness, etc. Even couples who don’t live together have these issues.
STEP 2: How NOT to Do It
Let’s first look at a typical example of how many couples mishandle a fight about housework.
The fight below might feel familiar. Read through it. Picture changing the issue to the one you chose in Step 1 so you can imagine how it would go in your relationship. Don’t practice it. Don’t even read it outloud. Just find a way to relate to it.
Partner A: I’m upset that you always leave the dishes in the sink for me to clean. I’m not your maid! You’re always leaving me to do what you should be doing around the house. Like yesterday, you were watching the game all day. It was SO loud. Then you left your clothes on the floor and your water glasses around. I am not your mother! And another thing….
Why this isn’t constructive: Keeping your partner captive while saying too much, adding too many issues, and becoming tangential will certainly get you into trouble right away. Say enough -- not too much, not too little -- and stay on message. Stick to one topic!
Partner B: Yeah, but you do the same thing all the time! You leave your socks everywhere and all your stuff out on the bathroom counter. What about last week when I raked the leaves? You never give me any credit for what I do.
Why this isn’t constructive: Both partners are responsible for orderliness and remaining on topic. There isn’t a couple on the planet who -- while under stress -- can manage more than one topic without flipping over. Work together to work the problem and not each other. Get something done and quickly. The fastest wins in this particular exercise.
Before we begin the exercise, I’m going to teach you the rules for keeping a conflict short and on-topic. Then we’ll revisit what this fight would look like when following these rules.
STEP 3: The Dos and Don’ts
Let’s learn the rules of how to fight quickly and effectively:
Well-Handled Example
Partner A: I’m upset that you always leave the dishes in the sink for me to clean and put into the dishwasher. It keeps happening, and I keep complaining.
Partner B: I know, I know. I just keep assuming I’ll come back and get it done and then I don’t. I’m sorry. I know that’s irritating. Sometimes I don’t know if the dishes are clean or dirty in the dishwasher.
Partner A: Ask me or, better yet, let me show you how to tell the difference. Either way, what can we do so I’m not upset with you over this?
Partner B: Okay. I’ll take care of it. I promise. I’ll show you tonight...and tomorrow...and from now on. Okay? I really appreciate how much you do for me.
Partner A: Thank you.
STEP 4: Your turn
Now it’s your turn to try. Remember, when discussing stressful material, time is not on your side. You both must move through these periods in an orderly fashion, with both of you dashing to mutual relief/satisfaction as quickly as possible.
Review and follow our Dos and Don’ts and Well-Handled Example above before getting started.
STEP 5: Keep trying
If you cannot resolve the issue in less than 10 minutes, shelve it and agree to try again later once you have both cooled off and had time to think.
Keep repeating in 10 minute increments until you have resolved the issue.
STEP 6: Switch Roles
Switch the Partner A and B roles. Keep practicing with different issues until you can resolve any household issue in 10 minutes. Can you do it in 8? 5? 3?
Why is this important? Because you both really have no choice except to learn how to do this.
Remember: Groundhog’s Day, the cliff, mutual accountability.
STEP 1: Choose a Household Issue
For this exercise, choose a mutually relaxed moment and work collaboratively to choose a single household issue or annoyance around chores, day-to-day responsibilities, cleanliness, etc. Even couples who don’t live together have these issues.
STEP 2: How NOT to Do It
Let’s first look at a typical example of how many couples mishandle a fight about housework.
The fight below might feel familiar. Read through it. Picture changing the issue to the one you chose in Step 1 so you can imagine how it would go in your relationship. Don’t practice it. Don’t even read it outloud. Just find a way to relate to it.
Partner A: I’m upset that you always leave the dishes in the sink for me to clean. I’m not your maid! You’re always leaving me to do what you should be doing around the house. Like yesterday, you were watching the game all day. It was SO loud. Then you left your clothes on the floor and your water glasses around. I am not your mother! And another thing….
Why this isn’t constructive: Keeping your partner captive while saying too much, adding too many issues, and becoming tangential will certainly get you into trouble right away. Say enough -- not too much, not too little -- and stay on message. Stick to one topic!
Partner B: Yeah, but you do the same thing all the time! You leave your socks everywhere and all your stuff out on the bathroom counter. What about last week when I raked the leaves? You never give me any credit for what I do.
Why this isn’t constructive: Both partners are responsible for orderliness and remaining on topic. There isn’t a couple on the planet who -- while under stress -- can manage more than one topic without flipping over. Work together to work the problem and not each other. Get something done and quickly. The fastest wins in this particular exercise.
Before we begin the exercise, I’m going to teach you the rules for keeping a conflict short and on-topic. Then we’ll revisit what this fight would look like when following these rules.
STEP 3: The Dos and Don’ts
Let’s learn the rules of how to fight quickly and effectively:
- DO keep practicing until you are both able to land rightside up by or prior to 10 minutes.
- DO remain orderly by staying on task, focusing on the future, sticking to one topic only.
- DO think back to what you learned in the first three days of exercises on how to recognize if your partner is upset or soothed.
- DO show you are “a friendly” and not an enemy. Think about how you can quickly do or say something to restore your partner’s sense of safety and security when you’re not in the heat of battle. This probably requires some trial and error so don’t get discouraged.
- DO always lead with repair, as you learned on Day 3. If your partner’s face goes south -- if they make a complaint or show any sign of feeling threatened -- stop! If you don’t soothe your partner immediately, there’s that cliff ahead of you.
- DO work fast to restore your partner to safety before continuing. You don’t have time so do what’s needed and move forward.
- Use a friendly gesture, such as taking the partner’s hand.
- Move forward, tilt your head a bit, smile, or demonstrate yielding (“You’re right”).
- Say friendly things like, “I hope you know that I adore you.”
- Remember, repair, creating safety in your partner, acts of friendliness are specific to your partner. The purpose is to find and care about what works and not give up until you do.
- DO scan your body for tension and let it go as you learned in Days 1 and 2.
- DON’T ramble, hog the stage, bring up the past, or talk over each other.
- DON’T take your eyes off your partner for one second (especially while you are speaking).
Well-Handled Example
Partner A: I’m upset that you always leave the dishes in the sink for me to clean and put into the dishwasher. It keeps happening, and I keep complaining.
Partner B: I know, I know. I just keep assuming I’ll come back and get it done and then I don’t. I’m sorry. I know that’s irritating. Sometimes I don’t know if the dishes are clean or dirty in the dishwasher.
Partner A: Ask me or, better yet, let me show you how to tell the difference. Either way, what can we do so I’m not upset with you over this?
Partner B: Okay. I’ll take care of it. I promise. I’ll show you tonight...and tomorrow...and from now on. Okay? I really appreciate how much you do for me.
Partner A: Thank you.
STEP 4: Your turn
Now it’s your turn to try. Remember, when discussing stressful material, time is not on your side. You both must move through these periods in an orderly fashion, with both of you dashing to mutual relief/satisfaction as quickly as possible.
Review and follow our Dos and Don’ts and Well-Handled Example above before getting started.
- Set a timer to 10 minutes, and pay attention to the countdown. What you’re learning here is how to apply your new skills from Day 3 and lead with repair in order to clear out a single practical issue quickly.
- In relationships, there’s hardly ever resolutions of anything. The same things come up over and over again. Just spend 10 minutes at a time trying to fix it -- longer than that, you won’t get anywhere. Keep trying new angles, 10 minutes at a time. The idea that anything is fully resolved is a mythology.
- At the end of 10 minutes, you both should be able to get something accomplished that satisfies both of you at least for the time being. Think of this moving the ball forward if even a little bit.
STEP 5: Keep trying
If you cannot resolve the issue in less than 10 minutes, shelve it and agree to try again later once you have both cooled off and had time to think.
Keep repeating in 10 minute increments until you have resolved the issue.
STEP 6: Switch Roles
Switch the Partner A and B roles. Keep practicing with different issues until you can resolve any household issue in 10 minutes. Can you do it in 8? 5? 3?
Why is this important? Because you both really have no choice except to learn how to do this.
Remember: Groundhog’s Day, the cliff, mutual accountability.
Day 5: Being Your Partner's Spokesperson
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Welcome to Day 5! The end is in sight.
If either of you focus solely on your own concerns, fears, needs, and wants during a stressful engagement, you will both walk away with nothing. The only way to avoid that predictable outcome is to remember that you are a two-person system.
In order for either of you to be heard and get what you want is to simultaneously consider your partner's perspective, fears, needs, and wants. Any other approach or attitude will end badly.
If either of you focus solely on your own concerns, fears, needs, and wants during a stressful engagement, you will both walk away with nothing. The only way to avoid that predictable outcome is to remember that you are a two-person system.
In order for either of you to be heard and get what you want is to simultaneously consider your partner's perspective, fears, needs, and wants. Any other approach or attitude will end badly.
The Exercise
Dos and Don’ts
Pick a recurring skirmish (not that serious) around your social activities. Perhaps a friend one of you doesn’t like or a problem that comes up around scheduling.
STEP 2:
On a piece of paper, Partner A writes down their stance on the issue, without showing Partner B. At the same time, Partner B writes down what they would guess Partner A’s stance is on the issue.
STEP 3:
Partner A and B compare their answers. How are they similar? How are they different?
Repeat until you are writing the same thing, showing that Partner B understands how Partner A feels about this issue.
STEP 4:
Now, the same as in Step 2, Partner A writes down what they think would be an acceptable solution to this issue.
Partner B writes down what they think Partner A would accept as a solution to this issue. Compare, repeat, and practice until you agree.
STEP 5:
Switch roles and repeat Steps 1-4.
Dos and Don’ts
- DO speak for your partner as if you were their spokesperson, arguing their case, their concerns, wants, needs.
- DO put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
- DO be your partner’s advocate.
- DON’T make any reference to yourself.
- DON’T advocate for yourself.
Pick a recurring skirmish (not that serious) around your social activities. Perhaps a friend one of you doesn’t like or a problem that comes up around scheduling.
STEP 2:
On a piece of paper, Partner A writes down their stance on the issue, without showing Partner B. At the same time, Partner B writes down what they would guess Partner A’s stance is on the issue.
STEP 3:
Partner A and B compare their answers. How are they similar? How are they different?
Repeat until you are writing the same thing, showing that Partner B understands how Partner A feels about this issue.
STEP 4:
Now, the same as in Step 2, Partner A writes down what they think would be an acceptable solution to this issue.
Partner B writes down what they think Partner A would accept as a solution to this issue. Compare, repeat, and practice until you agree.
STEP 5:
Switch roles and repeat Steps 1-4.
Day 6: Bargain and Negotiate so You Both Win
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Welcome to our second to last day. Today is our last new skill and then tomorrow we learn to bring it all together.
Social-emotional maturity is evident in those individuals who strive to broker win-win outcomes with others. These people rely on attraction, friendly persuasion, seduction, bargaining, and negotiation to influence others into giving them what they want. Socially-emotionally speaking, the opposite can be said of individuals who employ fear, threat, guilt, or shame instead of the above. This latter strategy is a kind of bullying.
If you wish to fight well, co-manage stress and distress effectively, and get what you want skillfully, you both must learn to bargain and negotiate your way to win-win. If you don’t, painful memories of unfairness and resentment will simply accrue, leaving you both to suffer continuous litigations of past injustices.
Learn win-win, move together when you both are good with the arrangement, or don’t move until you work it out. Making decisions together and making things right with each other as you go will make your relationships easier, happier, and more resourced.
Social-emotional maturity is evident in those individuals who strive to broker win-win outcomes with others. These people rely on attraction, friendly persuasion, seduction, bargaining, and negotiation to influence others into giving them what they want. Socially-emotionally speaking, the opposite can be said of individuals who employ fear, threat, guilt, or shame instead of the above. This latter strategy is a kind of bullying.
If you wish to fight well, co-manage stress and distress effectively, and get what you want skillfully, you both must learn to bargain and negotiate your way to win-win. If you don’t, painful memories of unfairness and resentment will simply accrue, leaving you both to suffer continuous litigations of past injustices.
Learn win-win, move together when you both are good with the arrangement, or don’t move until you work it out. Making decisions together and making things right with each other as you go will make your relationships easier, happier, and more resourced.
Exercises
ACTIVITY 1:
Pretend your partner is in a separate location and you really want to get your partner to come to you. Without using an emergency, what are the things that would lure your partner to come be with you? What do they love, find the most exciting, the most alluring?
Each partner should write down 3-5 temptations that would attract their partner to them. Then sit across from each other.
Partner A: Take both lists and read each enticement. After stating each one, carefully observe Partner B’s facial and body language for excitement. Write down a rating that reflects your perception of Partner’s B’s excitement on a scale of 1-5, 1 being a dud.
Partner B: Write down your own rating of excitement for each option on a scale of 1-5, 1 being a dud.
Switch roles. Repeat the exercise for all 3-5 enticements.
Both Partners: Together, compare ratings. How close or far off were each partner’s ratings?
The purpose of this activity is to learn or simply remind yourself what your partner loves and excites them the most. These will be your tools in bargaining.
ACTIVITY 2:
Partners commonly find it difficult to share every activity with equal pleasure. One may like parties, the other movies or sports or opera. Instead of simply defaulting to do your own thing, get the other partner on board and do it together.
For this exercise, Partner A should pick something they typically want to do that Partner B typically doesn’t.
The partner who bargains to get the other on board with an activity must make certain that the other partner is fully on board and not faking it. The bargaining partner, in the end, may have to add, “....and you can’t complain” to ensure the deal.
ACTIVITY 1:
Pretend your partner is in a separate location and you really want to get your partner to come to you. Without using an emergency, what are the things that would lure your partner to come be with you? What do they love, find the most exciting, the most alluring?
- DO think only of attractions.
- DO be very specific.
- DON’T use someone else’s needs or wants.
- DON’T use anything that involves fear, threat, or guilt.
- DON’T offer anything you cannot provide in the immediate future.
Each partner should write down 3-5 temptations that would attract their partner to them. Then sit across from each other.
Partner A: Take both lists and read each enticement. After stating each one, carefully observe Partner B’s facial and body language for excitement. Write down a rating that reflects your perception of Partner’s B’s excitement on a scale of 1-5, 1 being a dud.
Partner B: Write down your own rating of excitement for each option on a scale of 1-5, 1 being a dud.
Switch roles. Repeat the exercise for all 3-5 enticements.
Both Partners: Together, compare ratings. How close or far off were each partner’s ratings?
The purpose of this activity is to learn or simply remind yourself what your partner loves and excites them the most. These will be your tools in bargaining.
ACTIVITY 2:
Partners commonly find it difficult to share every activity with equal pleasure. One may like parties, the other movies or sports or opera. Instead of simply defaulting to do your own thing, get the other partner on board and do it together.
For this exercise, Partner A should pick something they typically want to do that Partner B typically doesn’t.
- DO pick something reasonable (given who you both are).
- DO find enticements to make it worth your partner’s while.
- DON’T use fear, threat, or guilt.
- DON’T take an “okay” as sufficient; your partner must be good to go.
The partner who bargains to get the other on board with an activity must make certain that the other partner is fully on board and not faking it. The bargaining partner, in the end, may have to add, “....and you can’t complain” to ensure the deal.
Day 7: Practice, Practice, Practice
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Keep practicing!
There is, in fact, nothing more difficult than another person. All people are burdensome, disappointing, irritating, and messy. For proof of this, just look in the mirror. These seven exercises represent more than just a beginning or a start to co-management of distress. This is a practice for the rest of life for anyone wanting lasting relationships with important others. The adult, romantic attachment relationship has never been a cakewalk and never will be. Mastering safe and secure relationships is an ongoing achievement for those who understand human nature, the nature of being human, and perfect imperfection of human interaction.
I’m so proud of you for making it through. I hope your relationship is better for it.
There is, in fact, nothing more difficult than another person. All people are burdensome, disappointing, irritating, and messy. For proof of this, just look in the mirror. These seven exercises represent more than just a beginning or a start to co-management of distress. This is a practice for the rest of life for anyone wanting lasting relationships with important others. The adult, romantic attachment relationship has never been a cakewalk and never will be. Mastering safe and secure relationships is an ongoing achievement for those who understand human nature, the nature of being human, and perfect imperfection of human interaction.
I’m so proud of you for making it through. I hope your relationship is better for it.
The Exercise
For this exercise, pick something you both must decide to do or not do. It could be a vacation, a new home, a private school for a child, or any project or task. Though your mileage may vary, this activity may be most challenging but also most rewarding.
On a piece of paper, write the skills you’ve learned in Days 1 through 6. Make sure you use each one as you resolve this conflict. Check each as you use it.
Success is achieved if, and only if, both partners are fully satisfied with the outcome. This means, you are responsible for judging your partner’s full and complete thumbs up by carefully monitoring their face, voice, gestures, words, and so on, all in accordance with your expert knowledge of your partner. If you remain unconvinced your partner is fully on board, your task is not yet completed (and vice versa).
When finished, talk about how you both did. Remember, you are creating an agreement, a bargain, where there can be no resentment; no looking back. Be careful with the word compromise. While its meaning can be neutral or positive to some, to compromise may also mean to give something up to be fair, to keep the peace, or for some vague, future reward. Bargaining and negotiating are similar to compromising, however, the distinguishing difference is in the results. Are either of you the least bit resentful? Are either of you disappointed? Do either of you believe you got the short end of the deal? If that’s the case, go back to the bargaining table and persist.
The purpose of this exercise is to take care of business in the moment by co-creating win/win outcomes so that neither of you remember this moment, this outcome, as unpleasant.
For this exercise, pick something you both must decide to do or not do. It could be a vacation, a new home, a private school for a child, or any project or task. Though your mileage may vary, this activity may be most challenging but also most rewarding.
On a piece of paper, write the skills you’ve learned in Days 1 through 6. Make sure you use each one as you resolve this conflict. Check each as you use it.
- Day 1: Read your partner’s face and body language.
- Day 2: Relax physically, even if you don’t like what you’re hearing or seeing.
- Day 3: Lead with relief.
- Day 3: Apologize with actions, not words.
- Day 4: Keep your disagreements on one topic at a time.
- Day 4: Resolve your problem in 10 minutes or less.
- Day 5: Put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
- Day 6: Know what your partner finds compelling.
- Day 6: Find a win-win solution via bargaining, not compromise.
- DO work the problem, not your partner.
- DO stick to the task and stay on topic.
- DO come up with something that satisfies you both for the time being.
- DON’T pursue if either of you become flooded or fatigued.
- DON’T get personal.
- DON’T forget to maintain your partner’s sense of safety at all times.
- DON’T forget to repair or apologize if/when you misstep.
Success is achieved if, and only if, both partners are fully satisfied with the outcome. This means, you are responsible for judging your partner’s full and complete thumbs up by carefully monitoring their face, voice, gestures, words, and so on, all in accordance with your expert knowledge of your partner. If you remain unconvinced your partner is fully on board, your task is not yet completed (and vice versa).
When finished, talk about how you both did. Remember, you are creating an agreement, a bargain, where there can be no resentment; no looking back. Be careful with the word compromise. While its meaning can be neutral or positive to some, to compromise may also mean to give something up to be fair, to keep the peace, or for some vague, future reward. Bargaining and negotiating are similar to compromising, however, the distinguishing difference is in the results. Are either of you the least bit resentful? Are either of you disappointed? Do either of you believe you got the short end of the deal? If that’s the case, go back to the bargaining table and persist.
The purpose of this exercise is to take care of business in the moment by co-creating win/win outcomes so that neither of you remember this moment, this outcome, as unpleasant.