Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay:
A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
by Mira Kirshenbaum
A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
by Mira Kirshenbaum
THE PROBLEM
You’ve gone through a lot to get to this point. You’ve hoped that love would be enough. And you’ve worked to resolve the problems in your relationship. And you’ve tried to accept things the way they are. And you’ve agonized over the possibility of leaving. But you just haven’t known what to do. Now you’re ready to face the choice that’s been weighing on your heart.
While everyone expresses ambivalence a little differently, there’s one thing people have in common: ambivalence in your heart goes hand in hand with distance in your relationship. When you feel ambivalent about your partner you make distance from your partner. You spend less time together. You talk less, and about less important things. You stop doing things together. There’s a cool, formal, ritualistic quality to the relationship. You make distance from your partner because you’re having an emotionally intense affair with your own ambivalence.
You’ve gone through a lot to get to this point. You’ve hoped that love would be enough. And you’ve worked to resolve the problems in your relationship. And you’ve tried to accept things the way they are. And you’ve agonized over the possibility of leaving. But you just haven’t known what to do. Now you’re ready to face the choice that’s been weighing on your heart.
- To stay in your relationship, recommitting to it free of doubt, free of holding back, free at last to pour your love and energy into the relationship and get back everything there is to get from it
- To leave your relationship, finally liberating yourself from it, free of confusion, free of pain, free at last to get on with a new and better life.
- Whether the two of you really do fit together or not.
- Whether the things that bother you will get better or worse.
- How you’ll feel if they do get better and if they don’t.
- Whether you can improve the relationship on your own or with the best of therapists.
- What you’ll find if you leave and whether it’ll be better or worse than what you have now.
- How to balance the responsibility you have to yourself and to the people you care about.
While everyone expresses ambivalence a little differently, there’s one thing people have in common: ambivalence in your heart goes hand in hand with distance in your relationship. When you feel ambivalent about your partner you make distance from your partner. You spend less time together. You talk less, and about less important things. You stop doing things together. There’s a cool, formal, ritualistic quality to the relationship. You make distance from your partner because you’re having an emotionally intense affair with your own ambivalence.
THE SOLUTION
Here’s how to find your way out of relationship ambivalence. Don’t put your relationship on trial the way lawyers do. Make a diagnosis the way doctors do. That’s what we’ll do here. We’ll ask one question at a time, step by step, responsibly searching for that one fact, that one piece of evidence about your relationship that makes clear what’s best for you to do. And it’s all based on what research shows are the experiences of other people in situations like yours. At each step you’ll answer a question about an issue between you and your partner. In most cases it’ll be a straightforward, easy-to-answer, yes-or-no question. Depending on your answer, you may be able to get a clear indication right then and there of whether it’s best for you to stay or leave. You’ll have found out what’s real about your relationship without needing to go further.
All that needs to happen as you read is that you trust yourself, take things a step at a time, and think of each question as an opportunity to find out what’s real for you. Often you’ll know the answer right away, but sometimes you may have to sift through your thoughts and feelings and memories.
Here’s how to find your way out of relationship ambivalence. Don’t put your relationship on trial the way lawyers do. Make a diagnosis the way doctors do. That’s what we’ll do here. We’ll ask one question at a time, step by step, responsibly searching for that one fact, that one piece of evidence about your relationship that makes clear what’s best for you to do. And it’s all based on what research shows are the experiences of other people in situations like yours. At each step you’ll answer a question about an issue between you and your partner. In most cases it’ll be a straightforward, easy-to-answer, yes-or-no question. Depending on your answer, you may be able to get a clear indication right then and there of whether it’s best for you to stay or leave. You’ll have found out what’s real about your relationship without needing to go further.
All that needs to happen as you read is that you trust yourself, take things a step at a time, and think of each question as an opportunity to find out what’s real for you. Often you’ll know the answer right away, but sometimes you may have to sift through your thoughts and feelings and memories.
A NOTE ABOUT COUPLES THERAPY
I rarely see people in relationship ambivalence who haven’t worked hard to make things better. And that means there’s a good chance you’ve already tried some kind of couples therapy or workshop. If you haven’t worked on your relationship, though, that changes things. A really good couples therapist can sometimes change things between you that seemed horrible and unchangeable. So if some reality in your relationship points to your leaving, you always have the option of going to a couples therapist to see if you can change it. But you want to avoid falling back into relationship ambivalence.
Here’s the test. If you have confidence in your therapist and have identified what needs to change and yet there’s no change after several months, then you can feel confirmed in your sense that it’s most likely unchangeable. You’ll know you’ve done everything you could do. And that can make it easier to accept that you’ll be happier leaving the relationship.
I rarely see people in relationship ambivalence who haven’t worked hard to make things better. And that means there’s a good chance you’ve already tried some kind of couples therapy or workshop. If you haven’t worked on your relationship, though, that changes things. A really good couples therapist can sometimes change things between you that seemed horrible and unchangeable. So if some reality in your relationship points to your leaving, you always have the option of going to a couples therapist to see if you can change it. But you want to avoid falling back into relationship ambivalence.
Here’s the test. If you have confidence in your therapist and have identified what needs to change and yet there’s no change after several months, then you can feel confirmed in your sense that it’s most likely unchangeable. You’ll know you’ve done everything you could do. And that can make it easier to accept that you’ll be happier leaving the relationship.
#1: THEY WERE THE BEST OF TIMES
If, when your relationship was at its “best,” things between you didn’t feel right or work well, the prognosis is poor. I feel comfortable saying that you’ll feel you’ve discovered what’s right for you if you choose to leave.
If, when your relationship was at its “best,” things between you didn’t feel right or work well, the prognosis is poor. I feel comfortable saying that you’ll feel you’ve discovered what’s right for you if you choose to leave.
#2: WHEN IT’S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH
Physical abuse that happens more than once means you must leave the relationship. Otherwise it will happen again and again, and it will get worse, and your self-esteem will fall, and your sense of being trapped will grow, and you’ll wish you’d started the process of getting out right now, however much you love the person and whatever the pluses in your relationship. The only exception to this is when the abusive partner is currently, actively, and motivatedly participating in a program designed to treat abusive partners and stays in this program for at least a year.
Physical abuse that happens more than once means you must leave the relationship. Otherwise it will happen again and again, and it will get worse, and your self-esteem will fall, and your sense of being trapped will grow, and you’ll wish you’d started the process of getting out right now, however much you love the person and whatever the pluses in your relationship. The only exception to this is when the abusive partner is currently, actively, and motivatedly participating in a program designed to treat abusive partners and stays in this program for at least a year.
#3: ACTIONS, NOT WORDS
If you’ve actually made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that excludes your partner, then on some level you’ve already decided that you’ll be happier if you leave your relationship. Most people who’ve done this are not happy when they stay. It’s as if you’d already advised yourself to leave.
If you’ve actually made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that excludes your partner, then on some level you’ve already decided that you’ll be happier if you leave your relationship. Most people who’ve done this are not happy when they stay. It’s as if you’d already advised yourself to leave.
#4: “IF IT WERE UP TO GOD ...”
Imagine how you’d feel if God or some omniscient being said you had permission to leave your relationship if you wanted to. If this suddenly gives you a strong sense that it’s all right for you to end your relationship, you’ll most likely feel you’ve discovered what’s best for you if you choose to leave.
Imagine how you’d feel if God or some omniscient being said you had permission to leave your relationship if you wanted to. If this suddenly gives you a strong sense that it’s all right for you to end your relationship, you’ll most likely feel you’ve discovered what’s best for you if you choose to leave.
#5: STAYING ALIVE
If there’s even one thing you and your partner experience together and look forward to (besides children) that reliably feels good and makes you feel close, there’s the possibility you’ll be able to clean out the crap between you and have a viable relationship. If you had just met, there’d be the possibility of your falling in love.
If there’s even one thing you and your partner experience together and look forward to (besides children) that reliably feels good and makes you feel close, there’s the possibility you’ll be able to clean out the crap between you and have a viable relationship. If you had just met, there’d be the possibility of your falling in love.
#6: THE NASTY-STUPID-CRAZY-UGLY-STINKY FACTOR
If you can say that right now you feel your partner’s reasonably nice, smart, sane, not ugly, and okay smelling to you, you’ve removed an important obstacle to your finding your way back to each other.
If you can say that right now you feel your partner’s reasonably nice, smart, sane, not ugly, and okay smelling to you, you’ve removed an important obstacle to your finding your way back to each other.
#7: POWER PEOPLE
Issue: Power—When the Other Person Is Bossy, Controlling, Domineering, Overwhelming.
Every single decision is fertile soil for a power struggle, because with every single decision there’s a question of who’s going to make it and whose needs are going to prevail. If you’re in a relationship with a power person, then any and all of your needs are a threat to their power. You’re not two people with ordinary needs; one of you has an inordinate need for power in and of itself.
If your partner bombards you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want, and if almost any need you have somehow gets obliterated, and if whenever you do get something you want it’s such an ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth the effort—then you’ll be happy in the long run if you leave and unhappy, if you stay.
Issue: Power—When the Other Person Is Bossy, Controlling, Domineering, Overwhelming.
Every single decision is fertile soil for a power struggle, because with every single decision there’s a question of who’s going to make it and whose needs are going to prevail. If you’re in a relationship with a power person, then any and all of your needs are a threat to their power. You’re not two people with ordinary needs; one of you has an inordinate need for power in and of itself.
If your partner bombards you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want, and if almost any need you have somehow gets obliterated, and if whenever you do get something you want it’s such an ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth the effort—then you’ll be happy in the long run if you leave and unhappy, if you stay.
#8: THE RIGHT NOT TO BE HUMILIATED
If your partner gives you a basic, recurring, never-completely-going-away feeling of humiliation or invisibility, then you’re in the kind of situation that people report they were happy they left and unhappy they stayed in.
If your partner gives you a basic, recurring, never-completely-going-away feeling of humiliation or invisibility, then you’re in the kind of situation that people report they were happy they left and unhappy they stayed in.
#9: OFF-THE-TABLE-ITIS
If your partner constantly and unyieldingly prevents you from talking about things that are important to you, so that you have a sense of being shut down and shut up, then you’re faced with a destructive problem that will not get better by itself. I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happiest if you leave.
If your partner constantly and unyieldingly prevents you from talking about things that are important to you, so that you have a sense of being shut down and shut up, then you’re faced with a destructive problem that will not get better by itself. I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happiest if you leave.
#10: TO TELL THE TRUTH
When you lose your basic trust that the other generally tells the truth, there’s a fundamental obstacle to your relationship ever being satisfying. This guideline doesn’t refer to the person who’s told one big lie, such as infidelity; it refers to the person you believe may be lying almost whenever he talks to you.
If you find yourself thinking, “He’s probably lying,” whenever your partner says anything, or even if you just find there’s a tightening in your gut that indicates you’re expecting a lie, nothing good is going to happen for you in that relationship. Everyone else in this situation is happier leaving and you’ll be happier, too.
When you lose your basic trust that the other generally tells the truth, there’s a fundamental obstacle to your relationship ever being satisfying. This guideline doesn’t refer to the person who’s told one big lie, such as infidelity; it refers to the person you believe may be lying almost whenever he talks to you.
If you find yourself thinking, “He’s probably lying,” whenever your partner says anything, or even if you just find there’s a tightening in your gut that indicates you’re expecting a lie, nothing good is going to happen for you in that relationship. Everyone else in this situation is happier leaving and you’ll be happier, too.
#11: YOU LIKE ME, YOU REALLY LIKE ME
If it’s clear to you that basically and overall you just don’t like your partner, then your love is a ghost, no matter what else you have going for you and no matter how loudly your heart cries out that you love him, and you’ll be happiest if you leave. And if your partner makes it clear to you that he just doesn’t like you, then in this case, too, you’ll be happiest if you leave.
If it’s clear to you that basically and overall you just don’t like your partner, then your love is a ghost, no matter what else you have going for you and no matter how loudly your heart cries out that you love him, and you’ll be happiest if you leave. And if your partner makes it clear to you that he just doesn’t like you, then in this case, too, you’ll be happiest if you leave.
#12: FREE GIFTS OF LOVE
In spite of how hurt and deprived you feel, if you are still willing to deliver a concrete expression of love, without expecting anything back in the near future, there’s a real chance there’s a solid core of aliveness in your relationship. If you won’t give unless there’s a clear expectation of getting something in return, that’s evidence you won’t be happy if you stay.
In spite of how hurt and deprived you feel, if you are still willing to deliver a concrete expression of love, without expecting anything back in the near future, there’s a real chance there’s a solid core of aliveness in your relationship. If you won’t give unless there’s a clear expectation of getting something in return, that’s evidence you won’t be happy if you stay.
#13: REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE
If either you or your partner has stopped wanting to touch the other or be touched by the other, and this goes on for several months without any sign of abating, then you’re making a profound statement about how alienated you are from each other, and based on the experience of other people in this situation you won’t be happy if you stay and you will be happy if you leave.
If either you or your partner has stopped wanting to touch the other or be touched by the other, and this goes on for several months without any sign of abating, then you’re making a profound statement about how alienated you are from each other, and based on the experience of other people in this situation you won’t be happy if you stay and you will be happy if you leave.
#14: GETTING PHYSICAL
If you feel a physical, sexual attraction to your partner that puts him or her in a special category for you, where you’re drawn to him or her strongly and in a way you’re not drawn to anyone else, then I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happy if you stay because most people in this situation are happy they stay, as long as there are no powerful reasons to leave.
If you feel a physical, sexual attraction to your partner that puts him or her in a special category for you, where you’re drawn to him or her strongly and in a way you’re not drawn to anyone else, then I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happy if you stay because most people in this situation are happy they stay, as long as there are no powerful reasons to leave.
#15: BEYOND DENIAL
If there’s something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, and if you’ve tried to get them to acknowledge it and they simply cannot and do not, then that problem will just get worse over time. If the thought of a lifetime with it getting worse is not acceptable, you’ll be happiest if you leave.
If there’s something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, and if you’ve tried to get them to acknowledge it and they simply cannot and do not, then that problem will just get worse over time. If the thought of a lifetime with it getting worse is not acceptable, you’ll be happiest if you leave.
#16: WILL THEY BE WILLING TO CHANGE?
The solution we’ll work with here is to separate out four different issues: • Can he acknowledge his problem? • Is he willing to change? • Can you let go of being bothered by the problem? • Is he able to change?
If there’s something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, and they acknowledges it, but are unwilling to do anything about it, and if his unwillingness has been clear for at least six months, you’ll be happier if you leave.
It really works when people come up with some specific idea of what it means for them for their partner to be willing to change and then they tell their partner what this is. They say something like, “This problem of yours makes me want to leave our relationship. You’ve said that you acknowledge that you have this problem. I’ll know that you’re willing to do something about it if you .. ,” and then they say what that something is. Your partner can’t just say he’s willing to change and then not do anything that demonstrates real willingness to you. So how do you come up with this thing that demonstrates real willingness to you that you’ll tell your partner about? Whatever you come up with has to be real and specific and meaningful and observable. It’s got to be something that’ll actually make you firmly believe your partner is genuinely trying to change. It’s got to be some action about which you can say, “I know he’s willing to change because when he does that, I know he’s really trying.”
The solution we’ll work with here is to separate out four different issues: • Can he acknowledge his problem? • Is he willing to change? • Can you let go of being bothered by the problem? • Is he able to change?
If there’s something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, and they acknowledges it, but are unwilling to do anything about it, and if his unwillingness has been clear for at least six months, you’ll be happier if you leave.
It really works when people come up with some specific idea of what it means for them for their partner to be willing to change and then they tell their partner what this is. They say something like, “This problem of yours makes me want to leave our relationship. You’ve said that you acknowledge that you have this problem. I’ll know that you’re willing to do something about it if you .. ,” and then they say what that something is. Your partner can’t just say he’s willing to change and then not do anything that demonstrates real willingness to you. So how do you come up with this thing that demonstrates real willingness to you that you’ll tell your partner about? Whatever you come up with has to be real and specific and meaningful and observable. It’s got to be something that’ll actually make you firmly believe your partner is genuinely trying to change. It’s got to be some action about which you can say, “I know he’s willing to change because when he does that, I know he’s really trying.”
#17: LETTING GO
This problem your partner has that makes you want to leave: have you tried to let it go, ignore it, stop letting it bother you? And were you successful? If you can really let go of the problem that’s most making you feel you want to leave your partner, if you can stop paying attention to it or stop letting it bother you, there’s a real chance this relationship is too good to leave.
This problem your partner has that makes you want to leave: have you tried to let it go, ignore it, stop letting it bother you? And were you successful? If you can really let go of the problem that’s most making you feel you want to leave your partner, if you can stop paying attention to it or stop letting it bother you, there’s a real chance this relationship is too good to leave.
#18: CHANGE AND THE WORLD CHANGES WITH YOU
Does your partner acknowledge the problem and are they willing to do something about it and are they able to change? If your partner shows a real sign of being able to change with respect to a problem that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, there’s a good chance there’s something healthy and alive at the core of your relationship and you won’t be happy if you give up on it at this point.
Does your partner acknowledge the problem and are they willing to do something about it and are they able to change? If your partner shows a real sign of being able to change with respect to a problem that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, there’s a good chance there’s something healthy and alive at the core of your relationship and you won’t be happy if you give up on it at this point.
#19: DRAWING THE BOTTOM LINE
If you’ve made it clear what your real bottom lines are and your partner’s violated them anyway, then by definition you will not be happy if you stay and you will only be happy if you leave.
Let me sum up what’s important for you to know about bottom lines:
If you’ve made it clear what your real bottom lines are and your partner’s violated them anyway, then by definition you will not be happy if you stay and you will only be happy if you leave.
Let me sum up what’s important for you to know about bottom lines:
- You’ve got to give yourself permission to have them, because otherwise you’re damaging and betraying yourself by going along with things that violate a bottom line that really exists.
- You’ve got to discover what they actually are for you. You learn what your bottom lines really are through experience with what you feel about what happens to you in your life.
- You’ve got to tell your partner what they are. But in doing so you can’t seem as though you’re threatening. It’s got to come across as a factual statement about what’s real for you.
- You’ve got to follow through. A bottom line is a deal breaker, not an annoyance. You and your partner can struggle over something you find annoying until the day you die. That’s normal even in satisfying relationships. But since a bottom line means the end of the line, you’ve got to let your partner know that when he gets close to it. And you’ve got to act on it when he goes over it.
#20: WHO YOU LOVE AND HOW YOU LOVE
Here are some differences people have brought to me as reasons their relationship might be too bad to stay in:
If you and your partner have passionately felt profoundly divergent preferences about how to live, and if the lifestyle you prefer is impossible with your partner, and if it’s clear that you’ll be happier living that lifestyle without your partner than living with your partner without that lifestyle, then you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
Here are some differences people have brought to me as reasons their relationship might be too bad to stay in:
- Active/ lazy. One can’t stand not getting things done; the other can’t stand doing things.
- Hot/cold. One partner is warmer, more passionate, more emotional; the other is cooler, more reserved, more intellectual-seeming.
- Optimist/ pessimist. One is happier, more hopeful; the other is negative, gloomy, depressed.
- Fast/ slow. One does things quickly; the other goes as slow as possible.
- Extrovert/ introvert. One of you likes people, parties, popularity; the other likes staying home alone.
- Physical/ sedentary. One likes to get a lot of exercise and do sports; the other just likes to sit around.
- Ambitious/ pleasure bent. One wants to accomplish things; the other just wants to enjoy life.
- Thrifty/ spendthrifty. One of you hates spending money; money seems to burn a hole in the other’s pocket.
- Rich/ poor. One either earns a lot or comes into the relationship with a lot of money; the other neither earns a lot nor has a lot.
- Practical/ dreamy. One always operates on a down-to-earth level; the other is driven by more idealistic or whimsical considerations.
If you and your partner have passionately felt profoundly divergent preferences about how to live, and if the lifestyle you prefer is impossible with your partner, and if it’s clear that you’ll be happier living that lifestyle without your partner than living with your partner without that lifestyle, then you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
#21: I MARRIED A MARTIAN
If you truly feel that your partner is like you in some way that’s meaningful and that you feel good about, there’s a real chance your relationship is too good to leave. But if there’s no similarity at all in any way that’s important to you—so that you feel as if your partner is alien—most people in similiar situations ended up being happy if they left.
If you truly feel that your partner is like you in some way that’s meaningful and that you feel good about, there’s a real chance your relationship is too good to leave. But if there’s no similarity at all in any way that’s important to you—so that you feel as if your partner is alien—most people in similiar situations ended up being happy if they left.
#22: NEW REASONS TO STAY
At the top of one sheet of paper write the words: "things I look forward to in my new life when I think about leaving." At the top of another sheet of paper write the words: "things I'm afraid of in a new life that make me think about staying." Now you have the opportunity to correct that tunnel vision. For each item on your list ask yourself, "Is this true?" "Is this likely?" Then ask yourself, "What else is possible?" "What's most likely?"
To help you develop this information, think about what awaits you by going through this checklist of issues:
At this point in the process, as you look more realistically at what it will be like for you to leave, if this fresh look clearly makes leaving seem too difficult and makes staying seem desirable, then you’ve gotten the clarity you were looking for and you know you’ll be happier staying.
At the top of one sheet of paper write the words: "things I look forward to in my new life when I think about leaving." At the top of another sheet of paper write the words: "things I'm afraid of in a new life that make me think about staying." Now you have the opportunity to correct that tunnel vision. For each item on your list ask yourself, "Is this true?" "Is this likely?" Then ask yourself, "What else is possible?" "What's most likely?"
To help you develop this information, think about what awaits you by going through this checklist of issues:
- Where will you live? How will you be able to afford it? Will you be able to commute to your job from there?
- How much savings will you have available to you after you leave? How much of your income will you have available? Will that be enough?
- What are your prospects for meeting people? This is a time to be brutally honest: do you have the characteristics that will make it relatively easy to find a new partner, should you want to? Will you want to go through the process of meeting new people?
- Is it realistically likely that you'll be lonely in your new life? How well do you cope with loneliness?
- What's going to happen with the kids? Is joint custody a possibility, and do you want it? Is not having custody likely for you; is that acceptable to you? Is having custody more likely, and have you thought through what it's like to parent kids on your own?
- What will being on your own do to your ability to work?
- Is it realistic that the friends you're counting on to be there for you will end up being there?
- How do your relatives feel about what you want to do? Will they provide moral support? Perhaps more importantly, will they actually deliver the practical or financial support they might have been promising?
At this point in the process, as you look more realistically at what it will be like for you to leave, if this fresh look clearly makes leaving seem too difficult and makes staying seem desirable, then you’ve gotten the clarity you were looking for and you know you’ll be happier staying.
#23: NEW REASONS TO LEAVE
If looking more realistically at what it will actually be like for you to leave your relationship clearly makes leaving seem easier and more attractive to you and makes staying seem like a bad idea, then you’ve gotten the clarity you were looking for and you’ll be happier if you leave.
If looking more realistically at what it will actually be like for you to leave your relationship clearly makes leaving seem easier and more attractive to you and makes staying seem like a bad idea, then you’ve gotten the clarity you were looking for and you’ll be happier if you leave.
#24: WHEN DISRESPECT GOES TOO FAR
If your partner is starting to convince you through disrespectful words and actions that you’re a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you, then he’s starting to damage the way you see yourself and your entire sense of what you’re able to do. For almost everyone in a relationship where disrespect reaches this point, they’re happy when they leave and unhappy if they stay.
If your partner is starting to convince you through disrespectful words and actions that you’re a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you, then he’s starting to damage the way you see yourself and your entire sense of what you’re able to do. For almost everyone in a relationship where disrespect reaches this point, they’re happy when they leave and unhappy if they stay.
#25: THE ATMOSPHERE OF RESPECT
If your partner is all too often too disrespectful to you and you realize that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for those times where you absolutely must interact, then the level of disrespect has spoiled the atmosphere of your relationship and you’ll be happy if you leave.
If your partner is all too often too disrespectful to you and you realize that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for those times where you absolutely must interact, then the level of disrespect has spoiled the atmosphere of your relationship and you’ll be happy if you leave.
#26: RESPECT THAT DELIVERS
If you feel that your partner shows support for and interest in the things you’re trying to do that are important to you, and does so in ways that are substantial and concrete and that make a real difference to you, then most people who’ve been in your situation have said that they’re in a relationship that’s too good to leave.
If you feel that your partner shows support for and interest in the things you’re trying to do that are important to you, and does so in ways that are substantial and concrete and that make a real difference to you, then most people who’ve been in your situation have said that they’re in a relationship that’s too good to leave.
#27: RESPECTING YOUR PARTNER
If it’s clear to you that you wouldn’t lose anything you couldn’t do without if your relationship were over, then your partner doesn’t have anything real to offer you and they are not a resource for you. Even if your partner does provide things, if what they provide are things you don’t particularly respect them for, they are not a respected resource for you. Most people in this situation were happy when they left the relationship.
If it’s clear to you that you wouldn’t lose anything you couldn’t do without if your relationship were over, then your partner doesn’t have anything real to offer you and they are not a resource for you. Even if your partner does provide things, if what they provide are things you don’t particularly respect them for, they are not a respected resource for you. Most people in this situation were happy when they left the relationship.
#28: THE WOUNDS THAT TIME CAN'T HEAL
If there continues to be a lessening in the sense of pain and hurt and fear and anger after the “crime” you or your partner committed, then there’s a good chance that your relationship can heal the damage caused by this “crime.” In that case, if this was the main reason you were thinking of leaving the relationship, the odds are in your favor that it’s too good to leave.
This question is important because people often don't even know how to begin to think about what a "crime" really means of the relationship. But merely because something bad happened is not a sign that the relationship is too bad to stay in. If you can see that healing is happening, then you can feel comfortable knowing that you're going through a healing process and that you'll survive the wound intact.
If there continues to be a lessening in the sense of pain and hurt and fear and anger after the “crime” you or your partner committed, then there’s a good chance that your relationship can heal the damage caused by this “crime.” In that case, if this was the main reason you were thinking of leaving the relationship, the odds are in your favor that it’s too good to leave.
This question is important because people often don't even know how to begin to think about what a "crime" really means of the relationship. But merely because something bad happened is not a sign that the relationship is too bad to stay in. If you can see that healing is happening, then you can feel comfortable knowing that you're going through a healing process and that you'll survive the wound intact.
#29: IS FORGIVENESS POSSIBLE?
What I'm asking is whether the person who has been injured has actually ever forgiven their partner for anything. After a period of hurt and anger, did they actually let go of their sense of grievance? Was the forgiveness genuine, And not merely words? And, equally important, did the other partner, the one who needed the forgiveness, willingly perform any active restitution or atonement or healing to earn forgiveness? Did this act make a difference?
If there’s a demonstrated capacity for genuine forgiveness, including the ability to let go of anger and hurt, the ability to feel forgiveness, and the ability in the other person to show that he feels sincerely sorry, then this relationship can survive an injury that would otherwise make it too bad to stay in. But if not, and if there’s also been no healing over time, then the damage was probably so great and the capacity for healing is so small that this relationship is too bad to stay in. In such a case, most people are happy they left and unhappy they stayed.
What I'm asking is whether the person who has been injured has actually ever forgiven their partner for anything. After a period of hurt and anger, did they actually let go of their sense of grievance? Was the forgiveness genuine, And not merely words? And, equally important, did the other partner, the one who needed the forgiveness, willingly perform any active restitution or atonement or healing to earn forgiveness? Did this act make a difference?
If there’s a demonstrated capacity for genuine forgiveness, including the ability to let go of anger and hurt, the ability to feel forgiveness, and the ability in the other person to show that he feels sincerely sorry, then this relationship can survive an injury that would otherwise make it too bad to stay in. But if not, and if there’s also been no healing over time, then the damage was probably so great and the capacity for healing is so small that this relationship is too bad to stay in. In such a case, most people are happy they left and unhappy they stayed.
STEP #30: THE ABILITY TO NEGOTIATE SOLUTIONS
If you’ve lost hope that you’ll be able to get a reasonable need met without a too-painful struggle to arrive at a solution, then I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
A relationship is supposed to be a kind of home within the home, and inner sanctum, a refuge. It's supposed to be a unique place where you and that one special person can find peace and get the things you really want in life that mean the most to you – that's the vision of a relationship we look forward to when we fall in love. So it's a terrible shock for all of us when this special refuge turns into a place of strife and deprivation, where things we want we simply can't get, or we get them only after a painful fight, or we fight and we still don't get them. Probably no experience is more common in turning a relationship we're content with into one we're thinking of leaving than the experience of constant fights and unmet needs.
These then are the four mechanisms that make people feel it’s just too hard to get their needs met. Let me briefly summarize them:
“I can do whatever I want, right?” Your partner’s making unilateral moves: doing what he wants when he wants it by himself without talking to you about it.
“It’s such an ordeal talking about the littlest thing.” This is when negotiating solutions together is virtually impossible.
“You never do what you say you’re going to do.” This is where the issue of trust comes up in relationships. When people make agreements and then break them, the relationship is not only a place of fighting and deprivation, it’s a place of betrayal.
“We’re very polite with each other.” This is what happens to people in a relationship when they’re furious and exhausted from pointless fighting, broken agreements, and unmet needs. There’s no fighting, there’s just despair.
If you’ve lost hope that you’ll be able to get a reasonable need met without a too-painful struggle to arrive at a solution, then I feel comfortable saying you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
A relationship is supposed to be a kind of home within the home, and inner sanctum, a refuge. It's supposed to be a unique place where you and that one special person can find peace and get the things you really want in life that mean the most to you – that's the vision of a relationship we look forward to when we fall in love. So it's a terrible shock for all of us when this special refuge turns into a place of strife and deprivation, where things we want we simply can't get, or we get them only after a painful fight, or we fight and we still don't get them. Probably no experience is more common in turning a relationship we're content with into one we're thinking of leaving than the experience of constant fights and unmet needs.
These then are the four mechanisms that make people feel it’s just too hard to get their needs met. Let me briefly summarize them:
“I can do whatever I want, right?” Your partner’s making unilateral moves: doing what he wants when he wants it by himself without talking to you about it.
“It’s such an ordeal talking about the littlest thing.” This is when negotiating solutions together is virtually impossible.
“You never do what you say you’re going to do.” This is where the issue of trust comes up in relationships. When people make agreements and then break them, the relationship is not only a place of fighting and deprivation, it’s a place of betrayal.
“We’re very polite with each other.” This is what happens to people in a relationship when they’re furious and exhausted from pointless fighting, broken agreements, and unmet needs. There’s no fighting, there’s just despair.
#31: GETTING THE BIG NEED MET
If you have a need that’s so important that, if you don’t get it met, looking back you’ll say your life wasn’t satisfying, and if your partner stands in the way of your getting your need met and you don’t believe that you’ll ever be able to work out a resolution, then you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
Unmet needs are one of the main causes of people being stuck in ambivalence. So face your big needs. See the difference it will make to your happiness if you don't get them met. And if you're unsure whether not getting those needs met will make your life unsatisfying, then it's not a big enough need to end a relationship over. If not getting it met will clearly make your life on unsatisfying, you're just condemning yourself and your partner to misery if you do stay.
If you have a need that’s so important that, if you don’t get it met, looking back you’ll say your life wasn’t satisfying, and if your partner stands in the way of your getting your need met and you don’t believe that you’ll ever be able to work out a resolution, then you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
Unmet needs are one of the main causes of people being stuck in ambivalence. So face your big needs. See the difference it will make to your happiness if you don't get them met. And if you're unsure whether not getting those needs met will make your life unsatisfying, then it's not a big enough need to end a relationship over. If not getting it met will clearly make your life on unsatisfying, you're just condemning yourself and your partner to misery if you do stay.
#31: GETTING THE BIG NEED MET
If you have a need that’s so important that, if you don’t get it met, looking back you’ll say your life wasn’t satisfying, and if your partner stands in the way of your getting your need met and you don’t believe that you’ll ever be able to work out a resolution, then you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
If you have a need that’s so important that, if you don’t get it met, looking back you’ll say your life wasn’t satisfying, and if your partner stands in the way of your getting your need met and you don’t believe that you’ll ever be able to work out a resolution, then you’ll be happy if you leave and unhappy if you stay.
#32: WHEN YOU GET CLOSE, YOU GET HURT
It’s normal to get hurt occasionally when you get close to someone, but if you feel that your partner’s main interest in getting close to you is making you feel their anger and criticism, then you’ll never feel close or safe in your relationship and you’ll be happier if you leave than if you stay.
It’s normal to get hurt occasionally when you get close to someone, but if you feel that your partner’s main interest in getting close to you is making you feel their anger and criticism, then you’ll never feel close or safe in your relationship and you’ll be happier if you leave than if you stay.
#33: LOOKING FOR INTIMACY
If you and your partner cannot agree about what intimacy is for the two of you and how to get it, and if holding on to your positions is more important to you than bridging your differences, then most people in your situation end up not being happy they stayed in the relationship and end up happy they left.
A partner who's had trouble getting close to you because of his upbringing (or whatever) can still say, "I understand that what it means to you for us to get close is [whatever it happens to be for you], and I'm willing to do what I can, at least a better job than I have been, and helping us get close in that way." Maybe you're still far apart, but slowly that distance can shrink and you can have the experience of that distance shrinking.
If you and your partner cannot agree about what intimacy is for the two of you and how to get it, and if holding on to your positions is more important to you than bridging your differences, then most people in your situation end up not being happy they stayed in the relationship and end up happy they left.
A partner who's had trouble getting close to you because of his upbringing (or whatever) can still say, "I understand that what it means to you for us to get close is [whatever it happens to be for you], and I'm willing to do what I can, at least a better job than I have been, and helping us get close in that way." Maybe you're still far apart, but slowly that distance can shrink and you can have the experience of that distance shrinking.
#34: ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?
If you feel that you and your partner have turned a corner where having fun together is simply not a possibility at all, and you’re living without hope of the two of you having fun together again, then most people in your situation are happy they leave and unhappy they stay. If the possibility of fun between you does seem fully alive, then that’s a sign your relationship is too good to leave.
If you feel that you and your partner have turned a corner where having fun together is simply not a possibility at all, and you’re living without hope of the two of you having fun together again, then most people in your situation are happy they leave and unhappy they stay. If the possibility of fun between you does seem fully alive, then that’s a sign your relationship is too good to leave.
#35: A REASON TO BE TOGETHER
If you and your partner share a goal or a dream for the future, if there’s something you organize your lives around and care about more than almost anything else, and if it’s something you do together in some way that not only gives you a sense of satisfaction but a sense of meaning, then for most people in your situation what you’ve got going for you means your relationship is too good to leave.
And what if you don't have this? Don't worry about it. People who are up in the tree of love without any superglue are just as happy as everyone else. Having a special share a dream or goal doesn't actually make couples happier than couples who don't have it. If you're in love and you like each other and enjoy each other, it may not be important that you don't care about anything else. It's just that for people in an iffy relationship, having a special sense of belonging can be powerful evidence your relationship is too good to leave. If you don't have it, though, it can still be too good to leave.
If you and your partner share a goal or a dream for the future, if there’s something you organize your lives around and care about more than almost anything else, and if it’s something you do together in some way that not only gives you a sense of satisfaction but a sense of meaning, then for most people in your situation what you’ve got going for you means your relationship is too good to leave.
And what if you don't have this? Don't worry about it. People who are up in the tree of love without any superglue are just as happy as everyone else. Having a special share a dream or goal doesn't actually make couples happier than couples who don't have it. If you're in love and you like each other and enjoy each other, it may not be important that you don't care about anything else. It's just that for people in an iffy relationship, having a special sense of belonging can be powerful evidence your relationship is too good to leave. If you don't have it, though, it can still be too good to leave.
#36: THE LAST STEP
Even if there were no problems, if you still don’t know whether you want to be in this relationship, then you’re indicating a deep discomfort with something about your partner or your relationship. People who felt this way were happy they left and unhappy they stayed.
A clear yes means this relationship is too bad to stay in. If your answer is no – "No, if all the problems in my relationship were solved, I'd want to stay in it" – that means this relationship is too good to leave.
That's it. Your answer to this question was either yes or no. You found the clarity you were looking for.
Even if there were no problems, if you still don’t know whether you want to be in this relationship, then you’re indicating a deep discomfort with something about your partner or your relationship. People who felt this way were happy they left and unhappy they stayed.
A clear yes means this relationship is too bad to stay in. If your answer is no – "No, if all the problems in my relationship were solved, I'd want to stay in it" – that means this relationship is too good to leave.
That's it. Your answer to this question was either yes or no. You found the clarity you were looking for.